Welcome To My Nightmare

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Greetings, kids.

This first column, admittedly, won’t be typical of my efforts. I won’t bore you with the details but it hasn’t been a good week.

Here’s what you can expect in the weeks to come:

First, I’m an opinionated SOB, and I don’t much care that you like my opinions. You certainly don’t have to agree with them. But understand this because I’m not gonna repeat it every column: I DO CARE THAT YOU CARE AT ALL. Passion is what makes our industry work. It’s the power that runs the machine. And with great power…comes clichéd catch phrases. So feel free to be vociferous whether you agree with me or not. The only thing I ask is that you respect the fact that I have my opinions and they don’t have to be just like yours. ‘Cause if you don’t, I will sneak into your room and murder your cat. And if you don’t have a cat, don’t worry, I’ll bring one for ya.

Second, what ARE my opinions? Honestly, they’re often a bit negative. And that’s because of that passion I just mentioned. I want to LOVE every comic I buy. Even Thunderbolts. But I take a look at the titles, companies, philosophies, execution, etc., and I KNOW the books could be better. I know this site gets some looks by people in the industry, and I hope they’ll understand that my criticism is not out of pure spite but out of a real desire to be dazzled again, like I was the first time I read Jim Starlin’s “The Death of Captain Marvel”, JM DeMatteis’ “Kraven’s Last Hunt”, Neil Gaiman’s “Books of Magic,” Kazuo Koike and Goseki Kojima’s “Lone Wolf and Cub,” Peter David’s run on “The Incredible Hulk”, Walt Simonson’s “Thor”, Alan Moore’s “The Watchmen,” the entire run of “Stormwatch,” Roy Thomas’ “Conan the Barbarian,” Starlin and Wrightson’s “Batman: The Cult,” and the Mark Gruenwald opus “Squadron Supreme.” The art of guys like Neal Adams, Mike Mignola, Mike Zeck, Barry Windsor Smith, the Buscema family, the Romitas, the Kuberts, Charles Vess, Michael Zulli, P. Craig Russell, Jim Aparo’s Batman stuff through the years and Rob Liefield. And yeah, Liefield dazzled me, and still does. It takes a special creator to get kicked out of a company he partly founded while never learning to draw feet, wrists, or any kind of different hairstyle. I mean, who draws boulders in a bathroom just to block feet? What, did Shaft eat burritos and fart out a fog of war…er…feet?

But I digress (Sorry, Mr. David, I know that’s your line, and for those that have never seen it, try to hunt up Peter David’s “But I Digress” column, particularly the one on Rob’s Captain America #1. Outstanding read!)…. I miss the sense of wonder, of really being excited about getting my hands on some flimsy, thrice-stapled pamphlets that gave me such joy in the past. If I can inspire just one creator to write something truly special, or one executive to challenge the status quo and take a risk or exercise a little common sense, whether they agree with what I say or want to prove me wrong, I’ll have done my job. And I’ll start all over again on the next creator. And eventually they’ll either market comics in the same breath as “Literature” like Mark Twain, John Steinbeck, and Sir Walter Scott, or my delusions of grandeur and tilting at windmills will eventually wear off. By the way, Shakespeare was a total hack.

These opinions/ideas will be given full treatments in future columns, but they include in no particular order:

1. Clones are not acceptable plot devices. Neither are random waves of ninjas, robots, or monkeys.

2. Gambit, who Jim Trabold tells us may or may not be a clone, is the dumbest character ever. Worse than Maggot.

3. Blacks and minorities on the whole need better representation in the larger comic universes. (Foshizzle.)

4. Continuity is our friend, Joe Quesada probably isn’t.

5. The Ultimate Universe is the worst thing to happen to Marvel since the hyphenation of the words “Spider” and “Man.” It’s the Gambit of Comic Universes. Start the hate mails now, suckers.

6. Casting Call! I reserve the right to do a light filler piece on a future vacation week. Besides, it’s the only part of Wizard I ever liked. And SOMEBODY has to make sure Wesley Snipes isn’t the only black hero in the Marvel Universe.

7. Hijacking the Boat: I always liked Daron’s “Missing the Boat” column and have a couple ideas of my own, so drop sail and prepare to be boarded, Dark Overlord!

8. I’ll explore the way the major companies market their wares in comic stores, book retailers, general retail, movies, television, etc.

9. Why does Fabian Nicieza continue to get work? Is he a clone of Mark Millar? No, Mark’s a clone of Warren Ellis who hatched prematurely, but that doesn’t explain Fabe’s existence.

10. Silly Rabbit, comics are for kids! Like Spawn, the Authority, Poison Elves….

11. Great Lost comic companies and much-missed universes.

12. I might even do something absolutely ridiculous, like a Word Search! Let’s see how much Daron likes editing THAT!

13. Everything else: your high praise (aka hate mail), why DC always cancels the books I really like, maybe some man-on-the-street interviews.

I might even try to convince the Dark Overlord to let me sponsor a contest in the future. He’ll spring for the prize, I’m sure (hint hint). I’m also open to suggestions, so if you fine folks want my long-winded opinion on something specific, let me know. Except for those of you who nominated Cable-Deadpool for the 2005 Year End Awards. What the hell are you thinking? Find a blind alley and drive rapidly into it until I say stop (which I won’t).

Oh yeah, I should mention that I’m not a complete Marvel Zombie–we’ve got a good bunch of Zombies here already. I grew up primarily on Marvel, but I read DC, Dark Horse, Image, Devil’s Due, Speakeasy, IDW, Dynamite and all sorts of other small press titles. No one is safe. Queue the Jaw’s music….dadum…dadum…dadum…

So this is it for now. It’ll get better, or worse depending on your opinion, which as I established earlier is both respected and irrelevant. All that matters is getting you readers to wake up and demand better from the creators and publishers. Recapture the wonder that attracted generations of readers to this industry. Vote Dennis Haysbert in 2008. Don’t go quail hunting with the vice president. Don’t believe anything Marvel puts out that says “Because YOU demanded it, Chris Claremont returns.” And with that….

Welcome to my nightmare.

Jeff Ritter