WHERE WE BEGIN…
First of all, be sure to take a gander at the new and shinier Comics Nexus right here on Inside Pulse. Yes, we have our own comic book section. See that big list of crap on the left of the page? It’ll be on there somewhere. The section is getting the big ol’ overhaul treatment (and it isn’t the only one), which includes a brand new reviewing format as seen in the groundbreaking posts by Tim Sheridan and Chris D. If you’re feeling really adventurous, you can go read mine and find out how much ass DC is kicking. Then there are the brand-new columns – Welcome to my Nightmare by Jeff Ritter, While You Were Reading The Big Two by various folks, The Ultimate Marvel Handbook by Jim Trabold, and The Nexus Files by the undisputed queen of girly-drinks himself, Will Cooling – with yet more due to be launched in the upcoming week. As if that wasn’t enough, the interview squad are getting a relaunch too. Well, a ‘launch’, really, since we didn’t really have one before. A boot up the arse, if you will. This includes yours truly getting to have a wee chat with the ultra-shiny Luna Brothers. All of this, plus the annual awards. Fast times at Nexus High… the highest praise and seven comely lasses of virtue true to our very own Dark Overlord, Daron Kappauff, for initiating these changes.
Now that I’ve trebled my link quota, let’s get back on track…
I had one of those strange, “is it just me or…” moments of sudden realisation the other day. I was reading an article about RED, the new brand for other brands to use in which various companies (Gap, Converse and American Express, among others) can peddle their wares whilst giving a nominal portion of the profits to charity. The project is being helmed by Bono, who was paid due lip service in the article by Scarlett Johansson, a spokesperson for RED. She said U2 were the epitome of cool, or something along those lines. Leaving aside the potential pitfalls of turning charity into a fashion trend, the keen Ms Johansson completely misses the point by describing U2 as being cool. The entire essence of U2 is that they are eternally and emphatically not cool. Self-righteous, whitebread, over-eager Irishmen do not make for suitable quota of cool – especially not when they are led by the inherently hypocritical Bono Vox (yes, once upon a time he had a fake surname too). Even when they created their own Zoo, dated supermodels and collaborated with super-DJs it still felt as vibrant as a government-sponsored think-tank pursuing the youth vote. Cool? They don’t know the meaning of the word. Nobody can because there isn’t one. Well, unless you’re talking about the weather but that’s a whole other pointless task to preferably not bother with, akin to fretting over the number of syllables on a random page of the dictionary. If cool does exist, it only does so as an intangible spirit that runs away when attention is given to it in order to hide in something else. Try and stamp an official seal of approval on it and you just wind up crushing the empty husk of whatever has been left behind, like Nirvana on MTV. Bono blatantly doesn’t care about any of this. His faults lie elsewhere. Young Scarlett might well pay attention at some point. WWE, on the other hand, have made it their mission in life to grab cool by the throat, steal whatever money is in its pockets, and then run it into the ground while paying no heed to warning nor consequence. Case in point: John Cena.
Is it cool to stop listening to the audience when listening to the audience was what made Austin, Rock, Foley, Angle, Guerrero and Batista into stars?
Is it cool to let Cena focus so much on extra-curricular activities when his basic wrestling skills are so questionable?
Is it cool to use the “heels don’t sell merchandise” excuse for not turning Cena when the nWo made WCW a fortune in T-shirt sales?
Is it cool to try and use Cena’s light and slight hip-hop to gain legitimacy when the audience is used to heavier material, or at least to comedic material that is actually, you know, funny?
Is it cool to continue to let him dress like an over-excited eleven year-old kid at a Halloween party for his matches?
Is it cool to have put him up against Christian, Jericho and Angle, who are all exactly the types of performers that appeal to those that dislike Cena the most?
Is it cool that Raw’s other babyface options include a nearly retired HBK, a clumsy and grounded RVD, and the impressively limited Kane and Big Show?
Is it cool that Carlito will no doubt be given a big face push this year even though it will most likely bomb?
I’ll let you lot answer those.
Meantime, here’s one from the always welcome Kevin Sunday about TNA politics…
“So I hear some rumblings on the internet that the only reason (or the biggest contributing factor) for giving Christian Cage the NWA Heavyweight title was that it was part of the deal to make ‘the jump.'”
Probably. Matt Hardy’s probably kicking himself. If he isn’t then I volunteer my kicking services and a heavy pair of boots.
“While I don’t doubt that that promise was made, Jeff Jarrett had to drop the belt sometime. Even if it is his company, I think he wanted to avoid the Triple H cheap heat boos. Those boos that come from “we’re tired of you,” instead of “we’re pretending to not like you.””
Technically, Jarrett is the Vice-President. Dixie Carter is at the top of the food chain and Panda Energy owns the majority of TNA Entertainment. If anybody important from Panda followed wrestling then perhaps Jarrett wouldn’t be able to leisurely pick up the belt at his convenience.
“I would even go so far as to argue Jay Reso is the most important man in all of wrestling right now. One point I don’t see mentioned very often is that last summer, he was the man who started the tide against John Cena when he parodied the Chain Gang Soldier with his own rap at a pay per view. The fans started to really get behind Reso (at least on the net) and the crowd would soon start hissing about Cena as the feud with Jericho built up. But then the WWE cuts off his push, and a little later, he gives TNA the publicity that a Roddy Piper guest spot on the Best Damn Sports Show could only dream of. His second pay per view with the company had him team up with one of the most beloved faces in all of wrestling. Now, he dethrones Jarrett (we’ll see for how long) and sets up a title match with Monty Brown on a very solid card. Finally, Reso’s important because he’s arguably the biggest pure babyface between the two biggest promotions.”
The biggest pure babyface? Not when compared to Batista or The Undertaker. The most important man in all of wrestling? No, that is still Vince. If we’re talking about actual wrestlers then it is still Triple H. You’re right that he was the first to noticeably draw cheers away from Cena. Jericho admitted in a recent interview that he was only thrown into the title scene at Vengeance because the company did not think Cena could get enough support against Christian by himself. Still, even though Christian is very important for TNA and very popular online, he alone is not enough to lift them to a 2.0 rating come April.
“WWE flirts face and heel with Angle, the Eddie storyline and the poison that is Randy Orton seriously slowed Mysterio’s heat, Batista’s out, Benoit’s defending a secondary title on the secondary show (though lately I’ve been more impressed with SmackDown! than Raw). TNA, meanwhile, has one solid face tag team (Team 3D), has Monty Brown booked as a heel, and AJ Styles being more of the everyman who wants to fight with Christopher Daniels and Samoa Joe for honor all the time.”
Hell, anybody that is not more impressed with Smackdown than Raw needs an urgent intelligence transplant. The problems with TNA’s tag team division have been well-documented by Eric S lately. They certainly don’t need to keep the titles on AMW, killing time until T3D eventually win them. Hell, neither of those teams need the titles. If they put them back on the Naturals, or to the Diamonds in the Rough, or to Sonjabin then they could actually have three decent tag team feuds going on simultaneously (AMW/T3D, the titles, James/LAX). When was the last time that happened in a North American promotion?
“It’s my opinion that the X-Division is for the Playstation crowd. Huge moves and incredible ability are shown off, but the crowd roots for who can do the most amazing stunt rather than root for the good guy or bad guy. That isn’t a bad thing, but I actually enjoyed Jarrett’s match with Cage just a little, little bit more than the X-Division three way at Against All Odds, simply because I didn’t know if Christian was really going to win, but wanted him to. With Joe/Styles/Daniels, you’re guaranteed a good match but does it really matter, Joe’s streak aside, who holds the X title? Alex Shelly or Jay Lethal could very well be the X Champ within the near future, and I don’t think too many people would really have a problem with it.”
Hell, no. It’s beginning to look like the Sting/Jarrett feud might even be suplanted by a Sting/Shelley feud instead, which would be wonderful news. He could then have his token, unsuccessful, title match against Christian, work his desired program with Abyss, do something with Jarrett at some point, get a singles match with Monty, and possibly fit in Raven before the year is out. As for your comments on the X Division, I tend to agree. The way the crowd behaves has made it extremely difficult for TNA to truly make anybody into a heel other than Jarrett – and we all know the reasons for his heat. It’s seeping through into WWE too, which has thrown their Project Cena for a massive loop, led to a non-existant face turn for Angle, and caused all manner of disruption for Christian. Perhaps we should scrap the ‘face’ and ‘heel’ terminology and just go with ‘cool’ and ‘not cool’ instead.
But that would just be confusing.
TOP 5 WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES FOR 2007:
1. Randy Savage
2. Ricky Steamboat
3. Ted Dibiase
4. Jake Roberts
5. The Road Warriors
THE SMALLEST GRANDADDY OF ‘EM ALL
Are you a wrestling fan? Do you have an internet connection? If you answered ‘yes’ to both these questions, chances are you have read plenty of talk about WrestleMania XXII. The word that popped up the most in all the talk was probably ‘sucks’. Yes, the crystal ball of cynicism available to any given wrestling forum has decreed that this year’s Mania is heading rapidly for Worst Mania Ever status. The card hasn’t been finalised, the build hasn’t reached its crescendo yet and we haven’t even got to Saturday Night’s Main Event but, hey, that doesn’t stop the complaints from flowing easier than a Dusty Rhodes blade-job.
There will be plenty of time to mock the card in coming weeks. For now, let’s remind ourselves of how low WMXXII will have to place its standards in order to earn that uncoveted Worst Mania Ever mantle…
WrestleMania I – Okay, this one automatically gets a free-pass from Worst Mania Ever territory simply because it set the precedent. It made the company at a time when the company was in a make-or-break situation, surpassing all expectations and becoming so successful that it leap-frogged NWA’s already established Starrcade and the WWF’s own Wrestling Classic to engrain itself in our minds as the first wrestling supercard worth bothering with. I’ve missed typing ‘WWF’. Just don’t go into it expecting any particularly good matches though, because there are none.
WrestleMania II – Two steps forward, two steps back. The three-arena concept was fairly absurd, most of the matches were dire, and the main event was an ’80s WWF cage match between a bored Hulk Hogan and a tired King Kong Bundy. However, the two tag team matches were fairly entertaining and Andre the Giant managed to get his Battle Royale schtick onto pay-per-view at long last, which makes everything just a little bit tastier.
WrestleMania III – Over 90,000 fans (a good 30,000 of which may or may not have existed/paid), body-slammed Giants, the first classic Mania match courtesy of Savage and Steamboat, hillbillies, midgets… it’s safe to say this one was pretty damn far from being the worst ever.
WrestleMania IV and V – These two have to be dealt with together, really. It was the most lucrative bit of long-term booking that the company has ever managed. Okay, WMIV is very, very boring indeed but as a part of the bigger picture it works. WMV had the first and best Hogan/Savage confrontation, with a result that was effectively the birthplace of the smark. The undercard wasn’t too shabby either, with an enjoyable Warrior/Rude bout, a stellar squash match between The Rockers and The Twin Towers, a Hennig/Owen match that is rather depressing in retrospect, and the what-the-f*ck factor that was Red Rooster vs. Bobby Heenan. All in all, well worth your time.
WrestleMania VI – It’s a one-match card alright, but what a match it was. This was Pat Patterson’s finest hour, complete with Jesse Ventura’s most solid commentary yet. I can’t fault it, really. I still remember marking out when I saw the video in the store back in the day. You can all speculate what age I was then. Andre got a nice send off from the crowd too.
WrestleMania VII – The whole event was the biggest anti-climax in Mania history but at least it had the unfathomably wonderful Warrior/Savage match. The aftermath with Liz was probably what convinced Stephanie McMahon to pursue a career as a wrestling booker though, which sours it more than a little.
WrestleMania VIII – An all-time favourite of mine, with two classic matches in Savage/Flair and Piper/Bret (which provides a great template for a potential Mysterio/Batista title match at SummerSlam, in my perfectly-booked mind). There’s also one of the biggest cock-ups in Mania history (Papa Shango’s late woddle-in) and the biggest surprise run-in, well, ever. Warrior is dead, long live Warrior.
WrestleMania IX – Oh dear gods. An event so offensive that it actually made me give up watching wrestling for over a year. I guess it is possible to enjoy this one if you’ve consumed enough mind-altering substances to be able to explain Jim Ross’ toga, Hulk Hogan’s black eye and The Undertaker’s vulture with some spontaneous, inebriated fanfic. Hmm, I feel a Madlib coming on…
WrestleMania X – And this is the one that sucked me back in, courtesy of the Hart family. Oh, and there was a ladder match, apparently. I’d call it the most overrated match in Mania history but whatever.
WrestleMania XI – Baaaaaaad. Bad, bad, bad. Not even those same mind-altering substances from 1993 can make this one work. Even worse, it was the first step on the road to Steve McMichael becoming a Horseman. Ugh, take me now Lord, take me now…
WrestleMania XII and XIII – Again, these ones should be considered together, even if the sequel to Bret/Michaels did not exactly go according to plan. It started off with the ridiculous (Warrior’s return, the Nacho Man and the Huckster) and wound up with the sublime (Bret/Austin, the greatest match of all time, if ever such a thing could exist) en route to changing the entire philosophy of the company. Plus, Sid crapped his pants. A couple of mesmerising and grandiose trainwrecks then.
WrestleMania XIV – When everything really did begin again. It trebled the buyrate of the previous Mania and marked Stone Cold’s ascendency to the highest echelons of pop culture that a wrestler could dream to reach. It wasn’t a particularly decent show but when it felt this fresh, that really didn’t matter.
WrestleMania XV – As before, only moreso now that Vince Russo had taken charge. The match quality plummeted low enough to let Shane McMahon and Sean Waltman take home match-of-the-night honours but that wasn’t enough to dampen people’s enthusiasm at the time.
WrestleMania XVI – The dawn of Attitude turning Corporate as everything began to fall into neat, commercially viable boxes (remember WWF Saturday Night Live?). In the long run it will only be remembered for the ladder match between the not-yet-TLC crew and for not doing a Rock/HHH singles match in the main event.
WrestleMania XVII – An exhilirating showcase of everything that made Raw and Smackdown so successful in the Attitude years. From top to bottom, it was perhaps the closest thing to a perfect WrestleMania as has been possible to book.
WrestleMania XVIII – Because Triple H just had to main event. And Jericho just had to dress like El Matador. And Stephanie just had to get involved. And Toronto just had to welcome back Hogan so earnestly. This was the start of a very bad year for the company, even though the match quality was never outright offensive (well, except for the mythical Japanese shampoo commerical). In terms of tone, this is actually a fairly accurate representation of what this year’s Mania will be like.
WrestleMania XIX – It tried too hard (Miller Girls? Limp Bizkit?) but Jericho/Michaels, Hogan/Vince and a monumentally stupid/brave Angle/Lesnar main event kept things on the straight and narrow. Just try to forget that Booker T was even there.
WrestleMania XX – Dude, Benoit.
WrestleMania XXI – Dude, DAVE.
Let’s see… chances are good that this year’s Mania will feature no togas whatsoever. There may very well be a Tatanka match but that alone isn’t going to be enough to produce a show quite as lame as WMIX (particularly since Hogan won’t actually be wrestling)… also, any celebrities involved in this year’s show are likely to simply be seen watching in the audience rather than being the focal point of the entire event as they were at WMXI. Seriously, who gives a f*ck if some sitcom midget could beat Bob Backlund at chess, or if Leslie Nielsen got lost backstage, or if Nash stole a couple of blondes from Michaels? Hell, they probably gave both of them the Squirrel Sanchez treatment after the show anyway… that leaves WMXVIII, which should, with a bit of luck, push this year’s event out of Worst Mania Ever medal contention by keeping bronze for itself. After all, there are at least some potentially memorable moments this year (Mysterio possibly getting the title, Shelton and Carlito possibly making themselves noted again, Cena getting audibly raped by the crowd). They might not be the moments that WWE necessarily wants us to remember but, really, we can’t be blamed for grasping at straws.
Feel free to at least attempt to enjoy it, though.
And now…
Random WrestleMania trivia!
The Big Show has gone for the Anti-Taker gimmick and has never won a match at Mania!
Kurt Angle has gone for the shinier Anti-Taker approach and has never won a title match at Mania!
Edge is 4-0!
Smackdown has won all the inter-brand Mania matches, with the exception of the hilarity given kindly to the world from Goldberg/Lesnar!
Ric Flair got fined for blading at WMVIII but Bret Hart got away with it!
If you take just the right amount and mixture of substances during the garishly coloured Doink/Crush match from WMIX, you can in fact see through space-time!
WMXVII holds the record for most title changes at Mania with five of the little buggers changing hands!
WMXX holds the record for most title matches at Mania with seven and only the Intercontinental Title missing out!
A rival promoter is rumoured to have offered Bruiser Brody a large sum of money to attack Hulk Hogan during his entrance at WMI, ruining the main event!
The Undertaker very politely convinced Shawn Michaels to drop the title the night of WMXIV when Michaels started getting rather testy about things!
Diamond Dallas Page made his Mania debut at WMVI as Honky Tonk Man’s cadillac driver!
Michael Cole gave away the ending to the WMXV main event during a pre-match pimp session for Austin and Rock merchandise!
The fan Ric Flair attacked in the build-up to his WMXVIII match was Paul London!
TOP 5 BRUCE WILLIS MOVIES:
1. Die Hard
2. Pulp Fiction
3. The Fifth Element
4. Sin City
5. Unbreakable
ANTI-NEWS:
“Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.”
TERRY FUNK was recently approached by WWE to work a match with Rob Van Dam at the next ECW show, even though Funk has apparently, finally, really-mean-it-this-time retired. Well, except that he might do that ECW match. And he might do some house-show matches with Dusty Rhodes now and then. But, yeah, definitely retired. I get the sinking feeling that Kurt Angle is going to prove to be as stubborn and as hard to get rid of as Funk. That’s even more depressing when you consider Funk is probably in better shape than Angle is. What are a few scars on your forehead when you have feeling in your hands?
*****
“Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.”
LILIAN GARCIA has a new album coming out in the summer. She’s not just doing it for herself or for the money, though. She’s doing it… for Eddie. No, really, there’s a song on the album written for him. I’ll be disappointed if there isn’t a cover of “When Doves Cry” dedicated to Viscera. Actually, no, I won’t be disappointed because I’ll be too busy not caring. Doves don’t care either, they just shit on you from great heights.
*****
“He’s my bitch.”
JAY LETHAL has officially parted ways from ROH due to his TNA commitments. Someone called Azrieal has left too, but I don’t know who that is and my curiousity has curiously been deflated by the great big dinner I just ate. Anyway, I’m not convinced that Lethal’s departure was entirely due to the TNA factor considering Joe, Daniels, Homicide, Shelley, Aries and Strong are still due to appear on ROH show in Philadelphia in a couple of weeks. Maybe they really just didn’t like his hair. It angers a lot of people, that haircut. The mere sight of it just gets them mad.
*****
“Here’s a new idea for you. I’ll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.”
SCOTT STEINER turned out to be the mystery Monday Night Wars headliner that TNA are trying to bring in for their primetime debut on Spike TV in April. Rikishi and Lex Luger had been the other names doing the rounds on the rumour mill, which has surely rusted by now. I’m sure that I don’t have to point out the flaw in hiring Steiner for a show called “Total Nonstop Action” but, hey, whatever, it’s not my money. In all honesty, the only person from the Monday Night Wars that they should bother bringing in is Eric Bischoff as soon as he is legally free to do so. I’m sure that he wouldn’t be too hard to convince considering it’s only three days work per month. Well, I guess there’s always Ted Turner but let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet…
*****
“Squeeze his ass son, you’ll like it.”
THE DICKS were apparently let go because of tension between the pair. I can’t remember their real names. Toland and Wicks, I think. Anyway, Dick #1 was apparently getting hazed by some veterans backstage (JBL, Benoit and Taker were the names mentioned… seriously, Benoit? What did he do, tickle him? Is Benoit a closet Dick tickler?) and reacted to it quite badly. Dick #2 didn’t enjoy being associated with someone who was quickly earning a negative reputation for himself. Tension mounted and then they wound up fighting during the recent Mexico tour, which ultimately cost them their jobs (though they are still working together in OVW for the 90 day no-compete period). Thankfully, the Smackdown tag team ranks are strong enough to bear the loss. Meanwhile, the Raw tag team ranks consist of the random champions and the jobber team they just recently squashed. We need two tag team titles though. No, really.
*****
“Can’t you keep your shirt on? You’re scaring the chicks away.”
MICK FOLEY has a blog on WWE.com, which you probably already knew. He used to write his entries down on paper and pass them onto WWE’s net people to type up, which they quickly got tired of and so bought a shiny computer for him. I’m sure Dewey will save it from gathering dust. Anyway, in his latest update he wrote about what happened when he wound up sitting next to mortal enemy Ric Flair on a flight back from the Philippines:
“And to just about everyone’s surprise (including my own), Ric Flair and I talked for several hours. We did discuss our differences, but we also talked about family and politics, with Ric discussing his possible run for North Carolina governor and me discussing my long-range goal of becoming United States ambassador to the Philippines … Hey, I’ll admit to not being all that comfortable at first. But I did enjoy myself, and I think Ric did, too. That’s good because upon entering United Airlines Flight No. 212 from Los Angeles to Washington, I looked at my boarding pass: 1-B. Who do you think was sitting in 1-A? Woooo!”
I hope that the person sitting in 1-A managed to keep his pants on, and that nobody from the “writing” team will get wind of this and rush a Flair/Foley feud our way in the coming months. There’s no need to give us Age in the Cage II.
Oh, and apparently Foley’s contract states that he has to agree to any storylines that WWE includes him in as part of his mandatory two annual feuds. In apparently non-related developments, the Kiss My Ass Club is open for business again…
*****
“Don’t forget your penis cream.”
JIM ROSS will apparently be offered a new contract once his existing one expires in autumn. That strange word means “the fall”, by the way. WWE really should watch itself when it comes to keeping popular and/or talented employees off-camera for several months whilst continuing to pay them to sit at home. JR will, thankfully, not be back in the play-by-play chair on either brand but would still be a far better host for Unlimited than whatever identikit metrosexual manchild happens to be lumbered with the task at the moment. Then there’s Eric Bischoff and Stacy Keibler. If you’re wondering why a charismatic onscreen figurehead/manager and the woman currently getting more mainstream press attention than anybody else on either roster are going to be allowed to finish out their contracts without returning to action then, well, you will never ever be employed by WWE.
*****
“You touch me, I bite.”
MARTY JANNETTY probably won’t be ever again either, since WWE just released him. Again. For the seventh time. First was The Rockers being briefly let go back in ’87, second was after Michaels’ heel turn since Marty was under house arrest, third was after Rumble ’93 due to Michaels’ backstage heel turn, fourth was at some point in ’94, fifth was after the New Rockers bombed in ’96, sixth was last year after getting busted again, and now this makes seven. Not even Austin can match that record. The funniest part is that the WWE.com announcement doesn’t even wish him the best in his future endeavours. No, no, they have just abruptly “broken all professional ties” with the guy. In all fairness, even though Jannnetty’s potential in-ring involvement in the Michaels/McMahons feud would have greatly increased the quality of the Mania pay-off, he is hardly the sort of person that they should be bringing into the company just as the Wellness Program is being launched. Either that or Vince is playing a massive practical joke on him by re-hiring him on an annual basis, teasing a possible contract, and then telling him to f*ck off at the last minute. Sweet evil genius. Next time, see if he would crawl around on all fours and bark like a dog…
TOP 5 THINGS STING KEEPS IN THE RAFTERS:
1. PB&J sandwiches.
2. Catcher in the Rye
3. Star Wars Lego
4. A yo-yo
5. Chimichangachimichangachimichanga
HE’S NOT THE MESSIAH, HE’S A VERY NAUGHTY BOY
Three times the H and ten times the king, WWE.com recently posted a retrospective of Triple H’s world title reigns (clicky bit). He’s managed to rack up ten of them over the past seven years, which is rather laughable when you consider it took Ric Flair a good twelve years to get that many. We really should be more impressed by the number of days that somebody manages to stay World Champion for in total, rather than the number of times they happen to have won it. Unfortunately, that requires far more effort than I am currently capable of mustering. Anyway, let’s just stick to the entirely benevolent son-in-law’s reigns for now. Here’s a look back at them all, graded with H-marks out of ten. One H means it doesn’t know how to work, ten Hs means it is such a trooper…
Reign #1 – pinned Mankind on Raw, 23.08.99 and was then pinned by Vince McMahon on Smackdown, 14.09.99
Hunter’s main event prowess was not exactly make a smooth transition from his Intercontinental days. For most of 1999 he had been trying to change his image from that of the degenerate rebel into a more acceptable, cookie-cutter headliner by joining the epically misconceived stable, the Corporate Ministry. Out went the long trunks. Out went the old music. Out went the slim physique. In came the gold, though it was one day after it should have happened since Steve Austin didn’t want to a) lose the belt to Hunter Hearst Helmsley and b) lose at all. The Greatest Transitional Champion Ever, Mick Foley, came to save the day. Given the scattershot way that the titles were being handled that year, it arguably didn’t make a blind bit of difference if he was champion or not. Losing the belt to Vince McMahon less than a month later certainly did his reputation no favours, although it did lead directly to later events that fully established Triple H. Still, it was pretty damn far from an inspiring title reign.
The Hs say – “This was the ultimate moment — finally reaching the pinnacle of the business.” No, no, that would happen when the steroids went away and Stephanie got billion-dollar pregnant.
Grade – 3 Hs
Reign #2 – won the vacant title in a Six-Pack Challenge at Unforgiven, 26.09.99 and was then pinned by The Big Show in a Triple Threat at Survivor Series, 14.11.99
Again, the title was little more than a prop around Triple H’s waist, with the man himself being little more than a bystander as the important events passed him by. He did manage to retain the belt on PPV, against Austin of all people, but it took an inadvertent assist from The Rock in order to get the job done. He still had as much championship legitimacy as Chris Jericho would later lak (probably less, actually). Fortunately for him, a spot was about to open up on top due to Austin’s neck finally calling for a time-out that kept him on the sidelines for nearly a year. This, coupled with one of the most brilliant angles the company has ever produced in his storyline marriage to Stephanie McMahon, would present him an opportunity that he was more than able to grasp. He wasn’t quite there with this reign, but he was heading in the right direction and the heat he received via Stephanie was oh-so-intense.
The Hs say – “After getting screwed out of the title, this proved it wasn’t a one-time thing. I was on the top to stay.” So how come you lost the damn thing so many times?
Grade – 4 Hs
Reign #3 – pinned The Big Show on Raw, 03.01.00 and was then pinned by The Rock at Backlash, 30.04.00
There are a lot of parallels to be drawn between the Triple H of this reign and the Edge of today. The hair, the faux-metal entrance music, the sweetheart-turned-slut at their side, the jilted onscreen love rival (Test, Kane), the jilted offscreen love rival (Chyna, Matt Hardy), the midcard comedy days (DX, E&C), the ladder matches that put them on the map (SummerSlam ’98, No Mercy ’99), the quasi-legitimate heel heat, the fact that people never expected them to be champions, the idea that a feud with Mick Foley could mould them into bona fide main-eventers… of course back then Triple H didn’t have to protect the major babyface, The Rock, as he could take care of himself. Things turned out to be rather different for poor ol’ Edge, lumbered with the Cena manchild. Anyway, this proved to be Hunter’s coming-out party as champion, thanks in no small part to a couple of classic matches with Cactus Jack. From then it was on to one of the most profitable WrestleManias of all time, where he became the first heel to walk out as champion. It’s worth pointing out that the feature attraction of Mania that year was basically the McMahon family rather than any individual wrestler, although a Rock/HHH singles match would no doubt have drawn equally well,if not better, and nobody could argue against Triple H deserving his spot now (that comes later).
The Hs say – “This was a giant win, toppling the 7-foot, 500-pound Big Show. It’s a feat not many can claim.” What, like the 165-pound Rey Mysterio?
Grade – 8 Hs
Reign #4 – defeated The Rock 6-5 in an Iron Man Match at Judgement Day, 21.05.00 and then lost it back to The Rock without being pinned during a six-man tag at King Of The Ring, 25.06.00
The collective shock at Triple H suddenly becoming a decent wrestler continued throughout most of 2000. Then we all started taking it for granted, which caused him to do the same and led to some very disappointing moments in later years. For now, however, business was great as his renewed feud with The Rock led the WWF into the stratosphere, backed by a roster and a creative team that was firing on all cylinders (particularly in comparison to the stagnant and increasingly absurd WCW). Again, it should be noted that none of this was specifically attributable to Triple H. It was very much a team effort by now, with the likes of Commissioner Foley, the TLC crew, The Radicals, Rikishi Phatu and the ascending Kurt Angle among others all helping things tick along very nicely indeed in an Austinless year. This would be Hunter’s last reign for a little while, since he would soon be preoccupied with Kurt and Stephanie in a wonderful love triangle storyline with an ending that still riles up the fanbase today. His attention would then be diverted to a feud with the returning Austin, a violent match with Austin, a tag team with Austin… and then the infamous quadricep tear that in turn kept Triple H out for a year.
The Hs say – “… This one meant a lot because not only did I beat The Rock, but I did it in a WWE 60-minute Iron Man Match � a match that most men can’t even comprehend being in.” Can’t argue with that…
Grade – 6 Hs
Reign #5 – pinned Chris Jericho at WrestleMania XVIII, 17.03.02 and was then pinned by Hulk Hogan at Backlash, 21.04.02
When the tide began to turn… The goodwill of the fans had already been sapped the previous year as the WCW invasion wound up as little more than a farce, which in turn raised anticipation for Triple H’s return to action. Unfortunately, by now it was common knowledge that he really was involved with Stephanie, whose presence had become a constant irritation to the audience due to her ‘tainting’ of ECW and cuckolding of several wrestlers. Therefore, Tripper’s sympathy pops quickly began to diminish once people realised his lengthy entrance routine, rambling promos and onscreen break-up with Stephanie were not what they wanted to see either, particularly since he could no longer bring the goods in his matches. Yes, they wanted someone to put Stephanie in her place but not when it was her real-life boyfriend. Stories should build illusions, not shatter them. With Chris Jericho’s overdue title reign getting precious little attention, an overexposed and problematic nWo turning up yet again and the crazily popular Rob Van Dam shut out of the main event scene, the fans turned their backs on it all and instead rallied behind their shared security blanket, i.e. Hulk Hogan. He wasn’t particularly entertaining either but nostalgia is always sweet in comparison to a sour present, which was all Triple H could offer.
The Hs say – “Winning at WrestleMania is the ultimate moment. But it was extra-special for me because it was the defining moment of my comeback from a career-ending quad tear.” No, the defining moment was the crazy-ass motherf*cking pop, to use the parlance of our times, that you got at MSG when you first came back. This was just dull.
Grade – 4 Hs
Reign #6 – was awarded the newly-created World Heavyweight Title by Eric Bischoff on Raw, 02.09.02 and then lost it to Shawn Michaels in the Elimination Chamber at Survivor Series, 17.11.02
The situation was now jaded enough that they literally invented titles out of thin air in order to satisfy His Tripleness. Pay no attention to anybody that tells you the World Heavyweight Title has anything to do with its WCW namesake, which had been on life support and finally passed in December ’01. This one was brand new, given to Triple H after Brock Lesnar and the WWE Championship became exclusive property of Smackdown. Now that the rosters had been separated, the plan was for Raw’s sole remaining singles title, the Intercontinental, to become its premier championship. To this end, Rob Van Dam had been busy unifying it with the superfluous European and Hardcore titles but would mysteriously drop it to Jericho, who quickly lost it to Kane, who ultimately lost it to Triple H, after which the belt went on hiatus for several months until common sense prevailed. Although the whole affair was handled poorly, Triple H was actually right not to let the IC title become the main Raw title. That one would be served better with no lineage than with one that included Chyna and Jeff Jarrett, not to mention the headaches that would then be involved with determining who had and had not essentially been a world champion. Still, there’s no excuse for simply awarding the title to someone on Raw when a PPV tournament could have happened just three weeks later, there was no excuse for continuing to present Rob Van Dam in a poor light, and there was no excuse, reason or sanity behind the Katie Vick debacle. To follow all this up by needlessly dropping the virgin title to his good buddy Shawn Michaels in Michaels’ second match in four years was the poisoned icing on the stale cake.
The Hs say – “This was Eric Bischoff basically saying what was the truth: ‘There is nobody in this business who is champion more than Triple H. He defines what being a champion is, and that’s why I made him champion.’ It’s the ultimate show of respect.” BWAHAHAHA!
Grade – 1 H
Reign #7 – defeated Shawn Michaels in a 3 Stages Of Hell contest at Armageddon, 15.12.02 and was then pinned by Goldberg at Unforgiven, 21.09.03
After reclaiming his cereal prize championship from Michaels (who had managed a solitary defence of it in the meantime by defeating, predictably, RVD), Tripper continued to run roughshod over Raw in order to establish a) the World Heavyweight Title, b) his ego, c) both. This included a feud with Scott Steiner that was hilarious for all the wrong reasons and gave us one of the crappest matches of all time at Royal Rumble 2003, not to mention his notorious victory over Booker T in a feud that proved racially offensive to many. Since he desperately needed a fresh and invigorating challenger to work with, he wound up with Kevin Nash. Um… yeah… Ultimately, the belt was prised away from him by Goldberg. Well, that was the onscreen version. The offscreen version was that he had to prepare for his wedding to Stephanie and take a nice, long honeymoon afterwards.
The Hs say – “Shawn and I have had a long history � best of friends, worst of enemies. But any time we’ve been in the ring together … it’s been magic. This one was no different.” I wish I knew how to quit you…
Grade – 2 Hs
Reign #8 – pinned Goldberg at Armageddon, 14.12.03 and then submitted to Chris Benoit at WrestleMania XX, 14.03.04
Things began to take a marginal turn for the better here, thanks in no small part to the rise of Evolution. Orton and Batista were still very green but the rationale, the music, Flair’s involvement and the fact that finally something different was happening with Trip gave cause for celebration. It certainly couldn’t get much worse, since Armageddon ’03 was one of the most poorly-received PPVs the company had presented in years. The actual title reign didn’t do anything special, since most of it was once again concerned with allowing Shawn Michaels and Trip to continue deluding themselves that their rivalry was one for the ages. Ultimately, it was all leading to a rather sweet ending with Benoit making several million people pee themselves a little with excitement by making Trip tap out. As always, however, there was a larger plan mapped out to keep his Hness happy. Curiously, it didn’t work out and he was to blame…
The Hs say – “If Goldberg was symbol of WCW at their time of greatness, then that night, I exposed WCW and Goldberg as being a fraud. Who’s next? Unfortunately for you, me.” Can someone be imprisoned for revisionist wrestling history?
Grade – 4 Hs
Reign #9 – pinned Randy Orton at Unforgiven, 12.09.04 and then lost the title when Vince McMahon declared it vacant on Raw, 06.12.04 due to a controversial finish to the previous week’s Triple Threat match involving Edge and Chris Benoit
Triple H recently criticised Kurt Angle for failing to do the proper work of a heel and get people to cheer for his face opponent. Apparently, he has forgotten this atrocious feud with Randy Orton. First, the positives – Evolution (and, again, Mick Foley) had helped Orton become a very popular heel, the fans could have accepted Orton as a heel world champion with further protection from Evolution, and the thumbs-down moment on Raw when Evolution turned on Orton was one of the few genuinely surprising events on the show in recent years. However, none of this explains why HHH decided to take the belt off of Orton so quickly, or why he seriously thought Orton could get the support of the fans as a face, or how he hoped to sustain this all the way through to Mania the following March. It took Orton over a year to get his career back on track after this farce. Before the year was out things had gotten so unbearably tedious that a huge shake-up was in order, which hardly sounds like the handiwork of a capable champion.
The Hs say – “This was showing the student who was still the master.” This master was like a sadistic P.E. teacher from a 1950s Irish Catholic school.
Grade – 3 Hs
Reign #10 – won the vacant title in the Elimination Chamber at New Year’s Revolution, 09.01.05 and was then pinned by DAVE at WrestleMania XXI, 03.04.05
Oh, in case you forgot, he pinned Orton in the Chamber. Then again at the Royal Rumble. Perhaps young Randy can share his pain with RVD, who I’m sure can offer some smokable form of pain relief. Afterwards, however, the Hs got all their working shoes on, shined them all up real nice, and went ahead to have a massively successful feud with DAVE instead, drawing nearly one million buys for their headline bout at Mania. Regardless of what The Game/Cerebral Assassin/King of Kings might claim, this reign was the only one of the ten in which he stood on his own two feet, made someone else into a bona fide star (isn’t it odd that in wrestling people can start out as superstars and hope to become mere stars?), and keep the audience entertained enough to respond with their money.
The Hs say – “The most brutal structure in the world, but won by the greatest wrestler in the world.” The most brutal structure in the world would be the Scottish Parliament. Three years later, á£300 million over budget and apparently suffering from leprosy.
Grade – 7 Hs
That works out at an average of 4 Hs. Puts things into a better perspective than WWE would, doesn’t it?
TOP 5 THINGS MOST LIKELY TO BE REVEALED ON LOST:
1. Sun was sterile but gets pregnant on the island.
2. Locke’s father is the ‘real’ Sawyer.
3. Henry Gale is the guy that was originally working with Desmond.
4. The treefrogs will be somehow linked to the ‘infection’.
5. The numbers are a big ol’ red herring.
WHERE WE END…
– JOHN TENTA updates us on his cancer treatment. Give ’em hell, John.
– NEELEY & SHAFFER conjure up their own version of WrestleMania XXII, without the use of Doink…
– BAMBI WEAVIL now has some sort of an online radio wrestling related ruckus, which lets me play around with alliteration…
– DAVID BRASHEAR remembers the Goldust and Brian Pillman feud from 1997. Poor guy.
– JACK BLACK is a luchadore. Click for details/proof.
– JEFF RITTER makes his Comics Nexus debut in style.
– WILL COOLING kept himself away from the Smirnoff Ice long enough to present this informative look at Batman: The Killing Joke.
– JASON RIVERA reviews the Chyna/X-Pac sex tape with far more photographic evidence than was strictly necessary.
– MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS may or may not have written some poetry that may or may not have been suitable for a sixteenth-century monarch. You decide.
– CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE BOOKS sucked the big one and sucked it hard and long. Now take a look at the intriguing versions that never made it onto the market.
– CANDICE MICHELLE has the front cover of her Playboy issue online. Meh. Go here instead if you’re that interested.
MSN: Zomig
AIM: KingKongBurnside
IAIN BURNSIDE is currently really f*cking sick of moving house…
