[NFL] Pancakes In the Age of Enlightenment- If You're Down With Pee, Then You're Down With Me

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How’s it going, party people?? I’ve been gone for a month, taking a break from the column since there’s nothing to talk about in the NFL in February. But now, laughing time is over, and it’s time to get back to the business of producing the only column on the web that sucks worse than Bode Miller.

If you read me during the 2005 season, welcome back, we are friends. If this is your first time reading me, welcome! I promise you my column will make your life worth living, in much the same way that American Idol does for my life. So, let’s do this thing!

SICK TO DEATH OF LABOR
Alright, labor negotiations aren’t my thing. But, they happen to be the top story in the NFL right now, so I suppose I have to address the situation.

Right now, the league and the player’s association are at loggerheads (a word you only hear in the context of labor negotiations) over whether the players should be getting a slice of the league’s revenue that comes from sources other than television and ticket sales. This, as I understand it, would include NFL merchandising, concessions, giant foam “We’re #1” Fingers, and whatever else currently goes into the coffers of NFL franchises. At this point, players don’t see any of that revenue filtered down to the league’s salary cap.

Talks to sign a new collective bargaining agreement have hit dire straits. Originally, the deadline to get an agreement signed was the start of the 2006 free agent period, which was to begin on Friday. That has since been extended to Sunday, but it remains to be seen whether that will be enough time to get a deal done.

The current agreement is in place thru 2007. If a new one can’t be agreed on, it could mean a number of things, ranging from a strike (not likely given how those have worked out for the NFLPA in the past), or the league playing the 2008 season without a CBA, which would mean they play that season without a salary cap. If there’s no salary cap in the NFL, you can say bye bye to teams like the Packers, Bills, Colts, Jaguars, etc. etc. ever being competitive again in their current cities, and the dreaded phrase “small market franchise” will make it’s way into the NFL lexicon as it has in Major League Baseball, where the Kansas City Chiefs have a better chance of winning the World Series in the next 30 years than the Kansas City Royals do.

“So what do I care about 2008?” you say, “by then I will be too busy making sex with my robot wife to care about football anymore.” Maybe so, but there are also ramifications for the more immediate future. If there is no new CBA, there won’t be a bump in the current salary cap, because accounting will change for things like signing bonuses, incentives, so on and so forth. Many teams are counting on that bump to give them relief under the current cap. There was no bump, so there are going to be a LOT of high profile, high salary players released this week, and this year’s free agent season could be very, very interesting.

WHY DON’T YOU WONDERLIC MY BALLS?

I’m sure I’m not the first to tell you that former Texas QB Vince Young reportedly scored a 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic intelligence test that most NFL draft prospects take.

Six out of 50, as you might have guessed, is very bad. Bad enough to make me wonder if he can even read. Feel shame University of Texas, feel shame.

On top of this revelation, Young’s stock has also been negatively impacted by the fact that everyone in the league is now totally gay for Vanderbilt QB Jay Cutler, who had a great combine, and has all the physical tools despite coming from a weak college program.

Those were the two big stories in the NFL this week. But I’ve got more. Much, much more. In fact, I’ve got a little something on every single team.

NFC EAST

The Giants will be in the market for a linebacker this offseason. One of the people who may be on their shopping list is Panthers LB Will Witherspoon. Witherspoon had 81 tackles and 2 INT’s for the Panthers last season, his 4th in the league.

Joe Gibbs has let it be known that he’s all ears if anyone is interested in his backup QB, Patrick Ramsey. Among the teams rumored to be interested are the Jets and Dolphins. The thing that sticks out in my mind the most about Patrick Ramsey was when he had two broken hands a couple of years ago. I keep imagining him shaving with his feet, like the guy in “My Left Foot”. Actually, I don’t think he ever actually had two broken hands, that might have just all been in my mind, which is really all that counts anyway.

You need a scorecard to keep track of all the people who may or may not be Cowboys in 2006. I just happen to have one, courtesy of an interview owner Jerry Jones gave to the Dallas Morning News, you lucky bastards. My life for you.

– Drew Brees will NOT be a Cowboy. There’ve been rumors floated around that there was interest, but Jones has stated that his QB of the future is already on the roster. Which would mean it’s either Tony Romo or Drew Henson. I weep for the future.

– La’Roi Glover will be somewhere else next season. The 32 year old DT, who had 17 sacks for the Saints in 2000, had a career low 3 last year, and was released on Friday. He, like all of us, is not getting any younger.

– LB Dat Nguyen has retired at the age of 30 following a neck injury suffered last season.

– Pats kicker Adam Vinatieri probably WON’T be a Cowboy. He’ll be an unrestricted free agent, and he got his start kicking balls for Cowboys’ coach Bill Parcell’s Patriots in 1996. Jones has said though that he wants to find an experienced kicker, but not necessarily a big money kicker, which Vinatieri will certainly be.
– And, finally, TO. I can’t make heads or tails out of this statement Mr. Jones made, “I want to say this so we don’t get something going here: There’s so many issues that I can’t today put that into the equation. … We’ve not gone down those issues. We haven’t sat down and said, ‘How do we do something like that?'” So, your guess is as good as mine. But if anyone can get something out of an aging diva wide receiver, Parcells can. He’s already done it with Terry Glenn and Keyshawn Johnson.

Terrell Owens may not be the only key offensive player the Eagles will have to try and replace in the free agent market. Longtime right tackle Jon Runyan will be a member of this year’s URFA class, and will be highly sought after. “A lot of people need a right tackle,” Runyan told the Delaware County Daily Times. “And, by the looks of it, the Eagles are going to need one. I don’t know what they’re going to do. I haven’t heard from them.”

NFC NORTH
Offseason free agent speculation in Chicago has centered on the offense, particularly on the Bears signing free agent wideout Antwaan Randle El. But don’t be surprised if the Bears choose to use their free agent dollars to make their defense stronger. One name that has been mentioned is Rams safety Adam Archuleta. Archuleta played under Bears coach Lovie Smith when Smith was the Rams D Coordinator, and if you watched the Bears depantsing in the playoffs this year, you know they need help in the secondary.

Depending on which way the wind is blowing, Daunte Culpepper either will or won’t be back as Vikings quarterback next season. You hear one thing one day and another the next. What’s really happening is the Vikings are feigning interest in paying him the $6 million bonus he’s due, hoping to bait another team into trading for him before the March 17 deadline before which the Vikings must either pay him his bonus or allow him to become a free agent. Don’t bet on him being a Purple Headed Warrior in 2006.

While we read earlier that the Cowboys deny an interest in Chargers free agent QB Drew Brees, the NFL’s very own website says that the Lions are interested in him. Apparently they didn’t check this out with beleaguered Lion King Matt Millen though, who said that the team can’t afford the cap hit Brees would bring, and is looking for a backup quarterback, not a starter. So he went out and signed Shaun King, who hasn’t thrown a touchdown pass since LFO was all over the radio.

Javon Walker’s agent has told reporters that the wide receiver is disgruntled with his $650K a year contract (which in all fairness is too low for a player of his value), and has asked to be traded. Walker, you may remember, threatened to hold out of camp last year, when Drew Rosenhaus was his agent (he’s not anymore, primarily because Drew Rosenhaus is a dipshit), only to blow out his knee a few weeks later and miss the entire 2005 season.

NFC SOUTH
The Panthers took themselves out of the running for this season’s, and possibly any season’s, biggest free agent prize, NFL MVP Shaun Alexander. They placed the franchise tag on potential free agent running back DeShaun Foster, meaning he will be back and likely be the team’s featured runner next season. Foster averaged 4.3 yards a carry for Carolina last season, and ran for 151 yards in the team’s playoff win over the Giants. Gone from Charlotte is the man he split carries with last year, Stephen Davis. Davis was a victim of the Thursday, Bloody Thursday salary cap bloodletting. He ran for 12 TDs but only 549 yards last season. He will be 32 next season. Joining him on the open market will be DT Brentson Buckner, a run stuffer with 12 years of NFL experience, and linebacker Brandon Short.

You can pretty much bank on Chris Simms entering 2006 as the Bucs starting quarterback. The team only had cap space to sign one of it’s two starting QBs from 05 (Brian Griese being the other). Griese has a larger cap number than Simms, and if you read the beginning of this column, that means he’s gone if a new CBA is not in place by the end of this week.

No NFL coach went from totally chic to totally geek faster than Jim Mora of the Falcons did at the end of last season. Many feel that he lost control of the team and himself during last season’s late season flameout that left the team out of the 05 Playoffs. If they miss the playoffs again, the 06 season will be his last in Atlanta. Of course, what was that comment that Shannon Sharpe made about Kyle Boller a few months ago, that he was just good enough of a quarterback to get a coach fired? Mora’s situation with Michael Vick kind of brings that to mind, don’t ask me why.

It’ll be interesting to see whether the Saints bring in a veteran quarterback to start ahead of either Matt Leinart or Vince Young, one of whom will probably be taken by the team with the second overall pick in the draft. Remember that Leinart’s predecessor at USC, Carson Palmer, sat and learned behind Jon Kitna for a year in Cincy before being handed the reins and becoming wildly successful.

NFC WEST
The defending NFC Champion Seahawks have a lot at stake this free agent season. Not only is their MVP running back Shaun Alexander a free agent, but his backup Maurice Morris is too. They also could lose wide receiver Joe Jurevicius and possibly guard Steve Hutchinson, who could leave the team if the Hawks refuse to match a competitive offer.

Don’t fit Marshall Faulk for his yellow Hall of Fame jacket just yet. He may still have some mileage left in him if new Rams’ coach Scott Linehan has anything to say about it. Faulk rushed for only 292 yards last season, but Linehan told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, “Up to the day he shuts it down, he’s way too valuable a player to not have the ball in his hands. For whatever reason, last year was not his best year statistically. But I would certainly like to utilize the abilities he still has, if he’s willing to put a few more years in.”

While the league’s labor woes have created bad situations for a few teams, there are also winners from this, and they are the teams that currently have a lot of room under the salary cap. The Arizona Cardinals are one of those teams. Does this mean you will see Edgerrin James or Shaun Alexander in the Valley of the Sun next season to complement the dangerous receiving corps already in place? I dunno, maybe.

Another team that is well positioned in the NFL’s pre-apocalyptic salary cap state is the 49ers. They have plenty of cap room, which they should, because they were real bad last year. They’ll need it too, because three of their top defenders, Julian Peterson, Derek Smith, and Andre Carter, will be unrestricted free agents.

AFC EAST
Remember back when the Patriots had to cut safety Lawyer Milloy, then he signed with Buffalo and everyone was all like, “Oh this is the end for the Patriots, Buffalo is the new team now..”. Yeah, that was a pretty good prediction I think. Anywho, the Bills released Milloy on Thursday in a cap move, and also bid farewell to malcontent DT, brewer, and American Patriot Sam Adams. WR Eric Moulds could be the next to go. The team has been trying to get him to take a pay cut, and for some reason he doesn’t want to do that.

The Bills weren’t the only AFC East team to dump high priced assets on Thursday. The Dolphins will have to do without 4 time Pro Bowl corner Sam Madison next year. Madison turns 32 this spring. He made his reputation during the 1998 and 99 seasons when he totaled 15 interceptions.

Jets’ DE John Abraham, who had 11 sacks last season, is very upset at being given the franchise tag for a second year in a row by the team, and wants out of New York. The Jets are trying to accommodate him with a trade.

We mentioned earlier that Pats kicker Adam Vinatieri may be employed elsewhere next year. He may have some fellow ex-Patriots in LB Willie McGinest, and WR David Givens. McGinest has 12 years of mileage on him, and his cap number is second on the team only to Tom Brady, who you know isn’t going anywhere. Givens will be 26 this season, and his coming off a season where he caught a career high 59 passes in only 13 games. He made the team as a 7th round draft choice in 2002, and now the brother’s gonna get paid.

AFC NORTH
It’s been well documented that Antwaan Randle El could be bolting the Super Bowl Champion Steelers as a free agent, but the Steelers also could be taking a hit in their secondary as well. Half of it, cornerback Deshea Townsend and safety Chris Hope, will also be unrestricted free agents this spring.

The Lord hath told Jon Kitna to go forth and become a very rich man, “I feel like I’ve been led since the middle of the season, by God, to go to free agency and see what’s out there for me,” the Bengals backup QB told the Cincinnati Post. With starter Carson Palmer’s immediate future in doubt following his grisly knee injury, and with the Bengals needing to spend free agent dollars to upgrade their 28th ranked defense rather than on an insurance policy for Palmer, the team is in a difficult situation.

Free agent QB Drew Brees is tempting, but with the Ravens likely saying goodbye to almost half of their defense this free agent season, expect the team to instead sign a second tier quarterback like Brian Griese to compete with incumbent Kyle Boller.

The Browns kicked off their offseason activity by locking up a couple of their own. They signed DT Orpheus Roye to a new contract, and keeping him from free agency. Roye is a 10 year veteran, and a run stopper who helped the Browns rank 30th in run defense last year. Good thing they signed him, or else next year they might have been 31st or 32nd. They also locked up Reuben Droughns, who succeeded as the team’s feature back last year, to a long term deal.

AFC SOUTH
The CBA impasse cost the Titans their 13 year veteran offensive tackle, Brad Hopkins. Hopkins was released Thursday. Hopkins has been with the Titans since they were the Houston Oilers. In another move, the Titans declined to pay QB Steve McNair a $50 million option bonus, instead choosing to allow him to become a free agent after the 2006 season. McNair threw 16 TDs and 11 INTs in 2005. He was NFL Co-MVP in 2003.

The hits just keep on coming for the Colts. After what seemingly was a season for the ages completely disintegrated in 2005, the team got some more bad news this week that could hurt them in 2006. A league arbitrator ruled this week that the Colts are over the salary cap, not under. At issue was accounting on the contracts of Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison. Couple this with the breakdown in collective bargaining talks, and now not only is it even less likely the Colts will be able to re-sign RB Edgerrin James, but they may have to make more significant cuts as well, including James’ backup Dominic Rhodes.

Jags’ coach Jack Del Rio is a happy man. The team ripped up the remaining two years of his contract, and gave him a new 3 year deal for considerably more money.

This week, Texans’ GM Charlie Casserly threw the possibility out there that his team might trade the first overall pick in this year’s draft, saying that the team has had discussions with teams interested in the pick. The Texans have already signed their current QB, and 2002 first overall pick, David Carr, to a three year extension. So, that would pretty much narrow the Texans’ options down to Reggie Bush and Reggie Bush.

They already have a running back, Domanick Davis, who has proven he can be a stud in the NFL. The pick is more valuable to many other teams than it is to the Texans at this point, because for good or bad it looks like they’ve cast their lot with Carr, and it’s debatable whether Bush is a big enough upgrade over Davis to justify forgoing the significant return they would get for trading the pick. Of course, the revelation this week that Vince Young is retahded may have lessened the value of that first overall pick slightly.

AFC WEST
The Broncos were among the first teams to clear cap space when the league decided to walk away from the bargaining table this week. Gone is DE Trevor Pryce, who had 4 sacks last season after missing most of 04 with an injury. Pryce turns 31 this August, and had back to back 9 sack seasons as recently as 2002-2003. Denver also says good bye to running back Mike Anderson, who ran for 1014 yards and 12 touchdowns last season. Anderson turns 33 next season, but due to the fact that he only has played 6 seasons after a stint in the Marine Corps, and has been a backup for much of that time, it’s a young 33.

Free agent Chargers QB Drew Brees has a letter from his doctor, world renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews, that his shoulder will be fully healed and rehabbed and ready to go for the 2006 season. He is expected to be the top quarterback available in this free agent class. His exit means third year understudy and high dollar first round draft pick Phillip Rivers will be handed the position by the Chargers.

KC’s one of the teams in salary cap trouble, and they were forced to jettison a number of players this week. Cornerback Eric Warfield was the most prominent one, and 11 time Pro Bowl offensive lineman Will Shields could be next.

Raiders QB Kerry Collins will likely be on the market this offseason. He’s not a free agent, but his large cap number and his poor performance last season likely adds up to him being gone. DT Ted Washington already has been released, along with starting offensive lineman Ron Stone.

That’s a wrap for me this week. I’ll see you again next week, and given the critical situation the league is in this weekend, I’m sure we’ll have a lot to talk about.