TNA: In The Zone 3/4/06


TNA: In The Zone for 3/4/06

Well, it’s March, and you’ve returned for the second installment of TNA: In The Zone. I’m Dougie, and I’d like to thank everyone who read me last week, and all those who gave me feedback on my first column. I thought I’d start this week’s edition with a little feedback that I have received.

I read your column, and I have to say that I have never seen such opinionated crap in my entire life. Your grammar was possibly the worst I have ever seen, and the overall tone over your piece just bored me to tears. You have a lot of nerve, calling yourself a journalist. I hope they take your “column” off that site. Maybe someday you’ll be able to make your father and I proud, but I doubt it.

Thanks mom, it’s always good to hear such encouraging words from the lady that brought me into this world. I have to say, though, that the restraining order DID include emails.

Anyway, welcome back. Last week I determined that Alex Shelley was In The Zone. Since then I have had a few people ask me exactly how I determine who is In The Zone, and what that really means. Well, I’m glad you asked. I actually use a pretty scientific method, that compares several statistics. This method looks at ability, commitment to character, charisma, over-ness, and natural talent. Then, when the results always seem to come up Jeff Jarrett, I just pick a guy I like. Good enough?

This week we start with the standard rundown of a few of the main storylines, but none of them really matter. We are reminded early that this is really the Jeff Jarrett show. However, the best bit in the “previously on” bit is Eric Young, and his emotive “He’s coming back…”

Once again, Mike Tenay and Don west are at the helm. The Professor is sure to plot us a good course, and Don is sure to get us stuck in Warp Drive. I wish he’d wear a red shirt sometime, really.

Tonight’s first match is supposed to be an eight-man tag match, w/ Abyss, AMW, and Double J. This is where I first figured out what I mentioned a moment ago. Tonight is destined to be the Jeff Jarrett show. This asshole gets four minutes of pyro, but the guys on the other team don’t even get their names mentioned. If these were first time curtain jerkers, that would be MILDLY acceptable, but the other team consists of a few fairly talented guys. We don’t even get to hear that Sharkboy is from the Deep Blue Sea. Hell, I hear that the guy killed and ate Sam Jackson! Cassidy Riley is still hanging in the Raven gimmick, which is fine, and Buck Quartermain is basically a glorified jobber. The biggest slight is Norman Smiley. Norman MF’n Smiley. I used to love this guy, and he’s treated like a joke this week.

TNA has been making a pretty bad mistake the last few weeks. They have taken a couple really great workers, and used them as filler. (The other one I refer to is Mike Modest. If you blinked, you missed him in action against LAX a few weeks ago. He was a part of the Border Patrol team.)

Anyway, back on the ranch, Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam, and tries to gets the pin on Smiley, but JJ pulls him off, hits the stroke, and takes the win. I can tell already (and it’s f*cking early) that JJ is going to piss me off tonight. I need one of his old t-shirts.

Okay, I see. This match was just a set up for Alex Shelley to show up with a new Sting video. He doesn’t look too happy, but JJ is, so all is right with the world. Team Canada comes out, and they all celebrate like someone just got elected.

After the commercial, we are in the back with Jeremy Borash, who is interviewing Matt Bentley and Traci. We start to hear about a great new feud between Matt and big Lance Hoyt. Traci seems excited about this new ‘Maverick” attitude that Bentley has developed, but before we can hear more, Jeff Jarrett is back on my TV again. Hmm, He’s two for two. JJ declares that there will be yet ANOTHER viewing party tonight. This is getting pretty old. Eric looks really nervous, and JJ tells Jackie to go get the room ready, but Jackie takes this opportunity to get rebellious. Jarrett hands the tape off to EY as he takes the time to threaten and berate MS. Gayda. Eric uses the distraction to disappear with the tape.

They go on to hype Destination X, with Captain Charisma headlining, defending his title against the Alpha Male. I still feel like this could be a great match. These guys have a great chemistry brewing.

Next up is Big Lance (Dallas) Hoyt. I think it sucks that he was forced to give up the name Dallas when DDP showed up for a two week stay. I am a fan of DDP, but what’s done is done. It seems Hoyt is over now, so all is right. The crowd is really into this big man. He wraps up his match against Kenny King with a new finisher that he calls the Texas Tower Bomb. It seems to be a half chokeslam, half powerbomb. It looked really good. On a side note, Kenny King seems to be coming into his own. I mean, he got totally squashed by the “Ticked off Texan,” but Kenny has shown a lot of heart, and luckily has the ability to match. Maybe once he’s done paying his dues here, we might see him get a pretty serious push. Maybe a tag-team type thing with someone like Rhino. That would be a great speed/power duo.

After the match, Machete, Konnan and Homicide come out with a captive BG James. Of course Kip comes out for the save. This bit seemed kinda shoved in here. This is what happens when you try to put this much story in a one hour show. I like this angle. Like I said last week, this is a GREAT retirement party for Bullet Bob. He really deserves it. However, if it’s going to be rushed or squashed, then maybe it should be re-thought. If you can’t do something right…

For the record, we saw no Jeff Jarrett during this segment.

We are “treated” to a music video by The Truth. This is sooo the wrong direction for this dude. He needs to be built up as an original, not just left out as a stereotype. I really like this guy, and I think he deserves better than this. I have to say that the rapping itself sounded awful. Really cliché. TNA, please give Ron Killings the respect he deserves.

Next up is a six-man tag match featuring a bunch of X-division guys versus Team Canada. I guess I asked for this last week when I complained that they had so much unused talent, but having a bunch of multi-man tag matches might not be the right answer. Maybe there is a comfortable medium. Here we find Petey Williams, Eric Young, and Bobby Roode versus Chris Sabin (HAIL SABIN), Sonjay Dutt, and the awesome Jay Lethal.

Lethal is on the receiving end of a great big push right now, and for my part, I think he deserves it. I can’t wait to see this young athlete develop. He is really over with the crowd, and shows off his agility in this match.

Oh look, Jarrett is back out. There are a lot of really nice X-Division type moves going on, and I actually get to see them halfway, with the camera constantly swinging back to Jarrett trying to get into Eric Young’s pants. Did I mention that he hid the video tape there? That piece of information is kind of important to the previous statement. At least I get to see Petey hit the Canadian Destroyer. Damn I love that move.

Next up Christian Cage is supposed to speak out! Well, he tries, but gets interrupted by Abyss and James Mitchell. Blah blah, stole our title, blah blah, want a match. I thought Abyss was supposed to be working a program with Rhino. With such little time to develop stories, they need to maintain more focus than this. Monte decides to break things up, and he and Christian fight out to the ring (Abyss vanishes). Oh, I see where Rhino fits in. He gets to save Christian from Monte, after CCCC gets pounced off of the stage.

Finally, the event I’ve been waiting all night for. I finally get to see Jeff Jarrett’s viewing party. At least they didn’t make it the main event this week. We get more Sting footage, and more great commentary by Alex Shelley. The Beatles bit makes all of this worthwhile. John, Paul, George, and Stingo. This rules. I wonder if this guy is writing his own dialogue. It’s like we’re watching the Stingwitch Project. We find out that Sting will NOT be at Destination X, but Steve Borden will be. Film a man’s family, will ya? The whole group (AMW, Team Canada, Shelley, and Jarrett sell it like they just got hit with the Stinger Splash. Jackie looks happy (and bouncy. Bad Dougie, no biscotti !)

Finally we get to the main event. We get The Prince of Punk teaming with the Deadly Samoa Joe to take o AJ Styles and the Fallen Angel. I’m really digging the use of Shannon Moore here. He has really put a lot into this POP bit. My one problem is that his ring music is generic hip-hop. He should be coming out to Sex Pistols or something. Hell, even Green Day would fit better. There is a great story building in this match, building to Ultimate X.

The great thing about this match is that Jarrett doesn’t show up. Of course that doesn’t stop Don West and Mike Tenay from going on and on about him, and his reaction to the viewing party.

The crowd here is SOOO into Joe, but he refuses to go face. Joe murders Daniels with a clothesline for the three. Yeah, he beats the guy with a clothesline. Afterwards AJ hangs the X Division belt up on the Ultimate X cables (which have been up all night. Now we know why). Ahh, they found Joe’s weakness. He doesn’t like heights.

Of course, we get to wrap up the show with JJ in the back. D’Amore can’t say anything other than “We’re screwed!” over and over again, but Jarrett tells Gail that he has an idea, and that his idea is on speed dial.

Well, that’s it for the Jeff Jarrett show… Oh, I mean TNA: iMPACT. Listen, I get that J controls what happens in TNA. That doesn’t mean we have to watch him masturbate every week. Jeff lost the title, so this is the perfect time for him to get “injured” and take little vacation. Earlier I said that multi-person tag matches wasn’t the answer. Maybe keeping Jarrett off the screen would give some of the other guys a chance to shine. Nah, that’s crazy talk.

Which brings us to the question, who is In The Zone. There are a few candidates this week, but I have to say on guy carried his story through everything he did tonight. Tonight, Eric Young is In The Zone. Don’t agree? Let me know.