Smack YOU! Smackdown Review 3rd March 2006

Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

Sorry for the delay but I’ve been seriously busy this weekend. I think I’ve spent as little as 4 hours of conscious time in my house over about 50 hours so needless to say it’s been hard to find time for this. Still better late than never eh?

Also, I must tell you all of my trip to Amsterdam but I can save that beauty for another rant.

We’re in wherever USA tonight

Your hosts are that guy who used to be a wrestler and a guy who got his commentating degree from the university of lameness. HA Pwned!

This is clearly a double taping so I bet the fans are good and angry after sitting through Raw. Although, the Smackdown audiences have been reduced to coma like silence recently.

Booker T w/ The Annoying Frog Woman Vs Tatanka
This has to be a bad joke of some kind. Heel Booker T Vs Tatanka roughly puts us around 1994 which is a lot more recent than WWE has been recently. They work over the arm here as the crowd discusses the recent raising of prices for dry cleaning as that’s more interesting than this stuff. Sharmel is on commentary I should mention and she’s annoying the f*ck out of me, just thought I’d add that as talking about this match is about as exciting as reading War and Peace upside down. Anyway they trade some chops and Tatanka gains the advantage from that. Booker gets Tatanka in the corner but jaws with the ref and that costs him the advantage. A Stun Gun lays Tatanka out and Booker gets a big super kick for two. Booker goes to a chin lock as he shares the same genetics with Stevie Ray as this match continues to be so hot that it would burn your tongue like a McDonald’s Apple Pie. Tatanka does his usual comeback, which he was doing in 1992 except it was over, and gets some boos from the fans who are no doubt insulted they have to watch Tatanka in 2006. Booker gets a big kick in on Tatanka as he comes down from the top and that makes him a face with the crowd. Booker gets the Scissors Kick and then The Boogeyman shows up and stalks Sharmel. Tatanka uses the distraction to get a roll up for the win

WINNER – TATANKA

No Rating – It wasn’t terrible or anything but I was just insulted I had to watch it.

Randy Orton Vs Super Crazy
Orton has some seriously bad shouty metal music now and it’s so bad it makes me crave for Burn in my Light. If Super Crazy wins clean without any screwiness I will give every Mark Henry match a ***** review from now on. Come on Orton I f*cking dare you! Orton gets a dropkick to start and unloads in the corner. Yes this will be a squash. I don’t have anything particularly against squash matches but there’s no reason to use mid carders for them, all that does is make the whole mid card look inferior. There’s no reason in a star Vs star match to assume one guy has no chance. Jobbers were invented for this for a reason, they didn’t have to come back to TV next week but the mid carders do. That’s a shame too as Super Crazy is pretty popular with the fans due to his natural charisma and exciting move set. Speaking of which Crazy does all sorts of high risk stuff and the fans are popping for it but they never really buy into Crazy getting the win. Orton gets a clothesline and RKO finishes it.

WINNER – RANDY ORTON

¾* – Some good stuff from Crazy but you never bought the idea of him winning and really he shouldn’t have won but the match shouldn’t have happened anyway.

Really cool Chris Benoit video that truly showcases his awesomeness.

They show clips of last week where Benoit supposedly injured JBL’s hand so as a result it’s Benoit Vs JBL at Wrestlemania. Should be quite fun

WWE Tag Team Champions
(C) MNM w/ Melina Vs Matt Hardy and Road Warrior Animal
Matt you should have gone to TNA when you had the chance man. They would have pushed you to the moon but you went for the money so now you have to tag team with past it veterans instead of working with AJ Styles, Samoa Joe and Christian. Your loss I guess no one forced you at gun point to sign that WWE contract. Matt and Mercury start us out and Matt gets a quick two count and works the arm. Backslide gets two for Matt as does another roll up. MNM stomp a double mud hole in the corner and Nitro gets his cool break dancing leg drop. Matt makes the tag to Animal who beats both MNM guys down outside but a distraction by Melina leads to a big super kick from Nitro. MNM get a double Russian Leg Drop and work Animal over with their usual array of good double teams. Matt finally gets a hot tag and takes MNM out. Matt gets a cool Nova like double DDT and a Side Effect on Nitro. Twist of Fate on Mercury but Nitro saves at two. Animal comes in and Matt calls for the Doomsday Device but Nitro stops that and Snap Shot ends it

WINNERS – MNM

*1/2 – I enjoyed that it was a good solid tag match which followed the normal formula. Post match Animal lays Matt out and goes after his knee. An Animal heel turn? That’s one of the most pointless things they could do right now.

Finlay Vs Lashley
It’s the battle of the surnames! Lock up leads to Finlay getting some kicks and upper cuts in but Lashley fires back with a spine buster and suplex. Lashley has really got the Bob Sapp thing going here except that Sapp really is much more charismatic in there but Lashley does really well for his experience level and ability. Finlay throws some chairs in and that leads to a big brawl and double DQ. They do the “Two guys fight and security splits them up” routine as the fans chant “let them fight”

Swashbuckling Paul Burchill is backstage and William Regal shows up and asks Burchill to stop this pirate nonsense. Burchill doesn’t agree and cuts off Regal’s tie.

World Heavyweight Championship
(C) Kurt Angle Vs Undertaker
Excuse me Triple who? I find it supremely laughable that Triple H said that Kurt Angle wasn’t a good enough heel to face Cena which is why Cena got booed. Cena got booed because he was getting a huge main event push and not backing it up in the ring while Kurt Angle is perhaps the most respected guy in the whole WWE. I hope the fans cheer Triple H all the way through this feud so that it shoots his little theory down. The crowd is pumped for this one. Taker bags Angle into the corner to start but Angle fights back. Taker gets some big rights in but runs into an elbow and Angle goes to an arm bar. Taker goes to his own arm bar and Angle tries punching his way out but that doesn’t work and Taker elevates the hold so Kurt is about 10 feet in the air. No shit. Taker stays on the arm and withstands some kicks to the leg, pounding Angle back into the corner. Angle fights off the Old School Rope Walk and stomps a mud hole but Taker goes back to the arm. That’s a smart strategy as you can’t ankle lock someone is your arm is f*cked. Angle goes for the 10 count in the corner but he gets dropped on the top rope and kicked off the apron to the outside by Taker was we go to a commercial

Commercial

We’re back with Taker and Angle fighting outside the ring and over by the announcers table. Taker gets a mega lariat on the outside and does his trademark guillotine leg drop on the apron targeting the bad neck of Angle. Taker gets two from that back inside and stays on the neck. The fans do the TNA duelling chants thing as Angle gets a power slam out of nowhere. Seriously, is there a type of wrestling this guy can’t do? Power wrestler, brawler, technical he does it all baby! Angle goes to a side rear naked choke with a body scissors but Taker is able to power out and nail some right hands. Taker sends Angle to the corner and tries a high knee but Angle dodges and he goes flying onto the apron. Taker fights Angle off on the apron and heads up top which leaves him open to the pop up suplex. Taker swats Angle away but Angle is persistent and gets a superplex for his efforts and that gets a two as we go to a commercial.

Commercial

We’re back with Angle riding Taker in a chin lock but Taker fights out so Angle fires off some mount punches. The fight spills outside and Taker gets send knee first into the steps and flips over. I love that bump it looks devastating. Back inside the slugfest starts up and Taker obviously gains the better in that situation. Taker gets the Snake Eyes but Angle ducks the big boot and fires off a German Suplex. Taker shifts his weight on an Angle Slam and gets a two from a big boot. Taker goes for a Choke Slam but Angle counters with the Ankle Lock. Taker kicks Angle away and goes for the Tombstone and they both take turns countering that. Angle counters with an Angle Slam for two and then pulls down the straps. The announcers go on about how Taker has never tapped out but I’m very sceptical about that. Didn’t he submit to Angle in that double count in 2002? Anyway Angle goes to the Ankle Lock but Taker turns that into a Triangle Choke. Angle tries the pin counter from the pay per view but Taker is ready for it this time and avoids the pin. Angle holds on and makes the ropes to save his title. Taker goes for the leg drop but Angle catches him in the Ankle Lock. Taker is able to kick Angle away and counters the Angle Slam with a Dragon Sleeper but Angle counters THAT with a DDT. It’s counter city tonight folks! Angle heads up for the Moonsault but Taker dodges it and gets the Tombstone but Mark Henry runs in for the DQ to set up the Wrestlemania match that no one wants to see save Vince McMahon and Henry’s immediate friends and family.

WINNER – UNDERTAKER BY DQ

***3/4 – Fucking WWE. That was one of the best TV matches they’ve had in 4 f*cking years and they ruined it with a shitty run in. Post match Henry gets a fat splash of death through the announce table on Taker.

Well this weeks show was something I was ready to like. But they killed it with run ins and stupid finishes. I know that this weeks offering may have been on the negative side and I’d like to mention something Sting said about us internet writers in general. He asked why we watch a show only to be so negative about it and said that we watch it because we love it so we should talk about that aspect of it. Now I do love wrestling and that’s an honest fact that I will not deny but I draw the line at when they have a great match and ruin it to further the career of one of the single shittest wrestlers of the last 10 years in Mark Henry. Nothing personal Mark but I hate watching you wrestle. I’m sure you’re a nice guy and stuff and all that junk and my goal isn’t to hurt your feelings. I know your following orders and Vince McMahon is giving you the big push and you’d be a fool to turn down the chance to work in big matches BUT you have to be prepared to take criticism from guys like me and if you don’t like that either quit wrestling or learn to f*cking work. I can’t work so I’m not on TV every week boring the shit out of people who just want to watch wrestling. And Sting if you don’t like this negativity then get out of your cushy TNA contract and call up Vince McMahon saying “Vince I just HAVE to work with that Mark Henry kid. The guys on the internet are saying mean things about him!”

See you all next week