The Retrofix!

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Sorry for missing last week and running on fumes this week. I got bronchitis from PK so it’s been pretty crappy. I figured I’d throw this up for you to enjoy until I (hopefully) get back to form next week. Until then, enjoy bitches!


We all know the build that went into Wrestlemania. In all likelihood, you watched Raw and Smackdown last week in preparation for the big event. So there’s really no need for me to do the membranes for them last week. If you didn’t check them out, go do so here for Raw and here for Smackdown. Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t wish PK all the best. He’s put a ton of work into the Raw Live Coverage/Recaps over the years, and he deserves a hand for it. Good luck to Raven, as he has some big shoes to fill. You know what they say about guys with big shoes? They have small action figures! OH SNAP! On with the show…

The Matches and My Thoughts

Let me start off by saying this: I taped this and watched it until 4 in the morning, when I wrote all of this. However, I taped this over a copy of In Your House 4…yea, remember when they had no names? Sadly, I will never again see that vaunted main event of Diesel vs. British Bulldog. Or that emotional moment when Shawn Michaels forfeits the Intercontinental Title to Dean Douglas. So…sad…ok Wrestlemania 21 time…graded by thumbs…from the Fonz…

Rey Mysterio def. Eddie Guerrero

This was one of those good thing/bad thing matches. Good thing was that they actually gave the guys some time to work. Bad thing was they didn’t get the most out of it. We all know Eddie and Rey can work a mind-blowing match against each other, so watching this was hard. I’m not saying the match was bad, it was good for what it was. But when you’ve seen these guys go toe to toe before and you know what they can do with each other, you expect so much. Unfortunately, they looked nervous. Rey looked like he was having problems with his mask (Doesn’t he know by now that the straps on the back of the head masks suck for him?). Eddie seemed to be trying to carry Rey, but couldn’t keep up because Rey was his normal fireball self. Good match, but I’d like to see them try it again.

.25

Money In The Bank: Edge Wins

Whoa. For all of us who thought we’d seen the last of these matches being spectacular, these 6 guys showed us we were wrong. Kane was Kane, you can’t really expect too much from him, but his dive to the outside was cool. Christian and Edge, the seasoned vets of these things, showed that they could make it work with people whose names don’t end in “z”. Benoit’s highlight had to be the head butt on Kane and the nasty look of his stitches coming out. That was friggin’ sick. Jericho worked his ass off, per usual. But the one who got made, in my opinion, was Shelton Benjamin. Pulling off the exploder from the ladder and his run up the ladder to clothesline Jericho off were big highlights. Also, if you listen somewhat closely, after the clothesline, you could hear the first “Shelton” chant that I can remember. Maybe this will help people start caring about the IC Title again. Probably not, but if and when Shelton breaks out, you can point to this as the start.

Eugene/Hassan/Hogan

When I saw him limp out, I wondered how they let PK get that close to the ring. HA! Seriously, I had a couple of feelings. First, does anyone else think Hassan’s music is somewhat catchy? When I hear it in local bodegas I think it sucks, but it sound cool. WWE Remixes rule! Secondly, I really think they could have used Hogan better. For the nostalgia it was alright, but it would’ve been used better somewhere else. Like Piper’s Pit. Maybe William Regal and Tajiri could’ve saved Eugene, setting up a fresh tag team feud. Regardless, love him or hate him, it’s fun to see Hogan’s act every now and then. Also, his daughter is hot.

Nostalgia thumb…also, thanks to WWE for letting PK play.

The Undertaker def. Randy Orton

This was surprisingly good. I was surprised because I thought that The Undertaker would drag this match straight to hell and leave Orton as a pile of dirt by the end of it. Although he didn’t do the job that you and I will agree he should have, he definitely worked a good match with Orton. As for Randy, it seems as though he’ll be out for a while. Hope we see a draft soon (April 18th at MSG?), because Raw is thin on heels right now. HHH and Edge and…who knows? Orton will be out for a while so it’s time to build a little bit. Also, Undertakers “floating” entrance made me want to see Shane Douglas come out on a skateboard.

.50

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg

This…this was special…HA! Just wanted to see who was paying attention.

Triple Stratus def. Christy Hemme

Ok, so I thought this would surprise us and it didn’t. It was particularly good and Christy looked very nervous…and hot. Trish wore suspenders, making her Irwin R. Stratus for a little while.

.75

Kurt Angle def. Shawn Michaels

Since January at the Royal Rumble I’ve said “I’m there” for this match. Well, I showed up to watch this (albeit on tape), and these two showed up big time. I’m not a huge work rate freak, but this match blew my mind. I would have paid $50 just for the privilege of seeing this match. The Angle Slam into the ring post, the springboard moonsault onto the table, and the finishing sequence were all awesome. Kudos to these guys, who made an audience previously enthralled with a ladder interested in wrestling again. Yes, Taker/Orton and Christy/Trish got some reaction, but this brought the crowd to a peak. The great thing is that you can hate him for prior shit, but Shawn Michaels, developing bald spot and all, can still go better than half the roster. And Kurt Angle, who at one time had no interest in this stupid rasslin’ stuff, will go down as one of the top 5 performers of all time. After this match, the crowd seemed as deflated as they were after Rock/Hogan. Sucks to be a Sumo Match or John Cena.

Piper’s Pit

This is where I would deviate from the script a tad. Although I liked the interaction with Piper and Austin, I would’ve had some other than Carlito come out. For one thing, Carlito isn’t exactly setting the world on fire and for another; this isn’t the place to put him. I would’ve had Austin talk trash about selling out more arenas and all that stuff. Have Hogan interrupt, saying that he and Piper went coast to coast and had more asses in the seats than anyone in history. Have The Rock come out (he went to the afterparty, he had to have been there) and run his mouth about him and Austin back in the day. They all brawl and you have a nostalgia/dream tag match for down the line. Whatever, that’s probably why I write for the Internet and not WWE.

Sumo Match: Akebono def. Big Show

Yea, these guys are a dietician’s nightmare. Combined, they weigh more than the entire Women’s Division. All that and I didn’t even give a shit about this thing. I can push people too…I just don’t set up a circle that I try to push them out of. That’s stupid.

.25

WWE Title: John Cena def JBL

Anyone else hear crickets? Maybe the fans still had visions of HBK/Angle dancing through their heads, but the reaction for this, in my opinion, was very bad. I didn’t hear too much until the end and I could kind of tell why. This was a very basic match. There wasn’t anything special to it. This is also where the brand split hurts the product. When you try to mega push two guys at the same time and one of them gets way over and the other one is in a shitty angle, what do you expect? Fans buy into Batista and his bad ass gimmick. They enjoy Cena’s act. See the difference? The main thing they have to do now is decide whether or not Cena will be a movie star or a wrestler. Because quite honestly, he can’t be both. In his recent interview with The Wall Street Journal, Vinnie Mac mentions having “brands” for the superstars (i.e. the ‘Batista’ brand). I hope I’m wrong, but that shit will never work. Little girls go and buy Mary-Kate and Ashley’s stuff, they buy Britney Spears’ crap. I’m not about to go into Macy’s or something and ask for the “Thuglife Edu Toilet” or the “Chaingang Hairgel.” Just figure out if Cena will wrestle. Then teach him how to carry a match if he wants to wrestle.

World Title: Batista def. Triple H

So you’re telling me that Triple H had to steal Rey Mysterio’s gimmick and come through a trap door? C’mon! And as much as I like Dave, that weird dance thing he did on the ramp freaked me the f*** out. I’m sitting there half expecting to hear Victoria’s music hit and see her giving him lessons. Regardless, it’s Dave’s time to shine now, ain’t it? A good match that had some great emotion behind it. The fans bought into it, and once again you close off a Wrestlemania with Triple H jobbing the belt. Scott Keith is probably so proud. The show had already been stolen, and these two didn’t have the tools to steal it back, so they created their own show, which worked. Although I feared Warrior syndrome when Batista started shaking the ropes near the end of the match. The drama of Batista breaking the pedigree and the Demonbomb to end it were eaten up by the crowd, which makes this match a keeper.

.75

The Other Stuff

– With Bischoff being somewhere in the arena, didn’t you think he’d have Shelton come back out and job the IC Belt to David Arquette?

– Adam Sandler looked reeeeal excited to be in *coughpromotingmoviecough* attendance at this show. Which brings me to this: As a person who has been in a movie with Sandler, like myself (Anger Management, I’m in Yankee Stadium), I wonder why, if he didn’t want to be there, he couldn’t have given his ticket to a real fan. If WWE wants these people there so bad, get 1 skybox and put all of them in it. Don’t screw the fans who pay over 500 dollars for tickets that are 10 rows behind Sandler and one of the guys from ZZ Top.

Overall

I paid for it and I would pay for it again. WWE always raises the bar for Wrestlemania and makes you expect more. They deliver again this year. As wrestling fans, we’ve become accustomed to knowing nothing is ever perfect with this product. Wrestlemania 21 wasn’t perfect, but it was damn good and probably the best show we’ll see this year. Off to Chicago next year.


She really hasn’t ruled in quite some time. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I saw her. So I’m just kind of laughingly trying to keep this together.
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com


Well, Christy lost her match at Wrestlemania 21. She didn’t put up that good of a fight either. Yea, she kicked Trish in her grundel (does that even hurt?) and got in some shots, but overall she got whooped. But hey, with the division being what it is, she’ll get 4 more shots in the next 2 days.

Visit Christy at ChristyHemme.com


Austin vs. Hogan

NO! They’re too old! That’s the sentiment of people when they hear that this match may just take place. Here is my response: F*** that put them in the ring. Would they put on a ***** star classic that would have the work rate freaks drooling and saying “They must be part Canadian!”? No, they wouldn’t. But let me tell you this: You, you and yes, you, my third reader (I’ve lost some) would all mark out like little girls if these two squared off. Imagine the build for the match, the two of them nose to nose, Hogan says some shit and Austin’s head turns and he does that little smirk. They get into a pull apart brawl. THIS is the dream match we never got to see. Will it be the same dream match it could have been 5 years ago? OH HELL NO! But none the less, it would be classic. Put them in the ring and let them go at it. Fuck the star ratings, f*ck the work rate, watch this match and enjoy.

My personal message to Vince McMahon: Do it. Forget all the shit from the boys in the back. You know you want this match. Also, Hogan said you were a bitch if you didn’t do it. I swear…I heard him…he told me. Called you bitch…not just bitch though, it was like megabitch..like BIATCHAAAHHH!. Make it happen Vinnie Mac.


News & Thoughts

– Only one thing and it’s hot off the presses, per usual here at InsidePulse.com (cheap pop). WWE has got a new cable deal apparently. We all new they’d be back on USA, but the addition of all those perks is interesting. Hopefully Vince doesn’t get a bright idea and try to open a WWE Theme Park. That would suck. “Step right up to the barbed wire bat throwing contest!” F***ing Doink and Dink running around and shit. I’d flip.


Shit, almost forgot the crowns…

Raw:

– Draft is announced for April 18th at MSG.
– HHH demands a rematch.
– Victoria wins the Women’s Title
– Benoit turns heel

Smackdown:

– JBL demands a rematch.
– Rey Mysterio turns heel.
– Mae Young gets her feeding tube removed.
– Orlando vs. Booker T for the US Title.


My Top 5 Workers All Time
1. Ric Flair
2. Bret Hart
3. Chris Benoit
4. Kurt Angle
5. Shawn Michaels

If you disagree, I have the right to tell you to shut up. HA! I love this gig!


Bad ‘Brand’ Ideas

– Triple H Nose hair Clipper: Extra long to reach those hard to get places!
– Mae Young Douche Bag: Because Vince is a sick bastard.
– You Can’t See Me Condoms: “Whatchu mean the bitch is pregnant?”
– Big Show Diapers: That was nasty at Wrestlemania.
– Latino Heat Switchblade: Cut the vato.
– Ask Stone Cold – The Dating Advice Column: “Just smack the bitch! Now get me a beer!”
– Nostalgia – The Hogan Scent: “Nostalgia’s all I got left, brother!”
– Rey Mysterio Condoms: “If I could just keep this damn mask on…”
– Chris Benoit First Aid Kit: “Fuck stiches, I’ll do the headbutt from the balcony.”
– Undertaker Loss Prevention Kit: It’s a no seller!
– Lita Home Pregnancy Test: White for Matt, Blue for Edge, Black for Viscera…
– Matt Hardy Toilet: Flushing feces time and time again.
– Vince McMahon Go-Cart: Just to make those run-ins a lot easier.
– Stephanie McMahon-Levesque Floaties: Only $4000 each side!
– Christian’s Bondage Kit: Just asking…
– Eugene Cereal: Start your day off the retarded way…

If you have any stupid brand name ideas, send them to danhevia@4sternstaging.com.


Enjoy the week and, just a little tidbit of info, if the season ended right now, the Yankees would win the division. Got Rings?

Adios!