Tommy P’s Raw Coverage 3/6/06

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Evening all. I’m Thomas J Pandich, your wrasslin guru for this evening. I’m joined by Matthew Michaels who is handling WWE Unlimited stuff tonight. The introduction is short tonight as we’ve got Triple H vs Kane and The Big Show against John Cena in what’s being called a Wrestlemania Rewind night. Also my favorite Raw Diva, Maria tries to avoid getting a staph infection in a match with Lita and Ric gets a rematch for the IC title. Plus Shawn Michaels kissed Vince’s ass last week. Has Shawn finally found his smile again through Vince? We’ll find out all this and more on Raw… NEXT

We start out with a montage of last week’s big kiss my ass ceremony complete with Shawn taking one of the weakest chair shots in the history of professional wrestling. Vince announces Shane-o-Mac against Michaels at Saturday Night Main Event and Vince vs Shawn at Wrestlemania.

No fireworks and we are live from Birmingham AlaBAMA! Vinnie Mac comes down with Shane-o-Mac and about a thousand security guards. Sign of the night is “Vince needs Jesus”. Vince relates the Oscars ass kissing last night to Shawn Michael’s ass kissing last week. Vince does an acceptance speech for all of the people that made last week’s ass kissing possible complete with goofy music.

In short order, here’s who is thanked.

-The Spirit Squad: For inspiring Vince to drop his pants.
-Chris Masters: For his Masterlock for which he and Carlito will get a shot at the tag titles at Wrestlemania.
-Marty Jannetty: For his courageousness in sticking to his values (which he will never get a WWE contract for now)
And finally, Shane McMahon for helping Shawn Michaels face “Crash” into Vince’s naked ass.

A hug between father and son and lots of boos. Vince unveils that he’s on the cover of this month’s Muscle and Fitness. He bids the crowd adieu and Shawn’s music hits. All of the security guards and Shane go to the ramp and Shawn attacks from the crowd. Shawn gets a few shots in on Vince then a few on Shane before security stops the mini-beatdown. Vince announces Shane against Shawn later tonight, and we go to commercial.

We’re back and I’m almost out of radishes! The slam of the week, presented by V for Vendetta, is Shelton nailing Ric Flair with the oxygen tank. In the back, Shane doesn’t want to fight Shawn, but Vince doesn’t care. Here comes Shelton.

Shelton Benjamin vs Ric Flair: Intercontinental Championship Rematch

WOO! Flair comes out in black and teal and he is styling and profiling. Shelton attacks Ric before the bell and is after him. Backdrop gets two. Samoan drop gets two. Delay vertical suplex gets two. Shelton tosses Ric into the corner, argues with the ref, and runs into Flair who’s chopping like a lumberjack on speed. Flair drops Shelton and Shelton tries for an eye poke but hits the ref. Flair locks on the Figure Four leg lock and Shelton taps. The ref calls for the bell and it’s over”¦ by DQ!

Winner by DQ: Ric Flair

Flair continues the post match beat down on Shelton and beats Shelton with the oxygen tank. Oh man, Wrestlemania Rewind matches tonight. Big Show/John Cena from nearly two years ago! HHH/Kane (from WM XV) is next.

Matthew Michaels is keeping us up to date on WWE Unlimited. On WWE Unlimited RVD is interviewed by Todd Grisham but is interrupted by Teddy Long. Teddy Long says that the Money in the Bank match this year is interpromotional and Smackdown’s qualifying matches will be Friday night. RVD doesn’t care who he’s facing because he’s ROB”¦ VAN”¦. DAM.

We’re back, Wrestlemania is 27 days away, we get a WWE Unlimited Recap and here comes The Game.

Triple H vs Kane: The King of Kings vs The World’s Deadliest Dentist

Triple H is on Conan O’Brien Thursday night. Kane comes out and we start out with a stare down. HHH starts out with an eye gouge but runs into a big boot. Kane takes over and hits a big clothesline. He charges for a second one but Triple H hits a rising knee. Kane zombies up and decks Triple H. He hits a backdrop and goes up top, but Triple H takes out Kane’s legs.

Triple H tries for a suplex, but Kane blocks it twice and then send Triple H for a ride with his own suplex. Kane hits some rights but Triple H hits his kick and then his wham but not his Pedigree. Kane destroys Triple H with a clothesline. Kane goes off the top and here comes Masters. Kane nails Masters with a big boot on the apron, but Triple H send Kane over the top with a clothesline. Kane lands on his feet and grabs Triple H’s ankle. Triple H grabs the ref and tries to drag him out too. Carlito hits the outside and spits apple in Kane’s face. Kane gets tossed into the steel pole on the outside then the two toss Kane inside. Kick, wham, Pedigree. It’s all over.

Winner: Triple H

It’s amazing how much Triple H has been letting his ass be kicked in recent matches. On WWE Unlimited Carlito and Masters have a plan for tonight”¦ a “cool” plan. Do I smell a run in on the Big Show? I think I do.

We’re back and we get a preview of tonight’s matches between Maria and Lita, Shawn Michaels and Shane McMahon, and Candice Michelle’s Playboy spread. In the back Torrie and Victoria are trying to protect Candice’s Playboy cover. Torrie is sad that Candice hasn’t apologized yet. Victoria promises that after tonight, these three will be the Three Amigas. Torrie corrects her about the dog being a fourth.

Todd goes into the back to interview Shawn and here comes Pregnant STEPH Steph comes to apologize on behalf of her, Shane, Vince, and her unborn CHILD! Steph fakes labor pains and then DRUGS SHAWNS WATER! Wow”¦ can you say bad taste? I mean good lord, you just announced your f*cking drug program. Can we avoid tossing drugs into the face of the audience? Shawn takes a big swig of his drugged water as we go to commercial.

On WWE Unlimited Coach, King, and Styles talk about the Playboy spread and the bitchslapping of Torrie last week? Remember when she took her clothes off and was the big girl on Smackdown? Yeah, me too.

We’re back and we’ve got Candice Michelle’s photo shoot. Check Eric S’s column tomorrow as he’s posting the pictures from the photo spread. Victoria and Torrie Wilson unveil the cover in the ring. The display raises up and there’s Candice Michelle looking skanky. Oh, now she’s talking. Good lord. Where’s a f*cking hammer and a nail when you need it? Candice rips on Stacy Keibler and then goes after Torrie Wilson saying that she’s the hottest WWE Diva to pose for Playboy. Candice is told that she’s acting like the biggest bitch to ever pose for Playboy.

Candice apologizes for being a bitch. They hug once, they hug twice, Victoria bitch slaps Torrie Wilson. Candice proceeds to hit the Stroke on Torrie. Did we really have to bring up that whole Al Michaels angle? Victoria and Candice share a little something something going out of the ring.

Meanwhile Shawn finishes his water and has officially lost his smile once again. Poor Shawn, he gets back together with Vince and now he’s gone back to drugs again. I guess someone isn’t passing the WWE Wellness Program random screening next week.

On WWE Unlimted Todd Grisham is an idiot and we get to see some signs. Woo. Also Shawn super kicks a security guard who also is apparently Trish’s boyfriend. Nice that he got a job.

Vince and Shawn are down in the ring and it’s match time!

Shane McMahon vs Shawn Michaels: Sunny days are here again!

Shawn and Shane go at each other right from the bell. Shane bails and Shawn gives chase. Shane takes over but Shawn gets things going. He hits progressively weaker chops and then tries for a shoulder block but collapses. Shawn tries for kip up but almost falls over. Shane hits some punches and Shawn falls over. Two WWE health officials comedown to ring side and Shane hits a few more punches before winning with a pinfall.

Winner: Shane McMahon

Shane calls Lillian into the ring and a second match is announced for right now!

Shawn Michaels vs Vince McMahon: Dom vs Sub

Vince pins Shawn. Woo.

Winner: Vince McMahon

Here comes the Spirit Squad! Celebrations abound as we go to commercial.

We’re back on Raw and Peter Gabriel’s Greatest Hits CD is plugged. We also get a recap of the Angle Advancement Matches we just saw.

The Spirit Squad is still in the ring and here comes Eugene!

Eugene vs Kenny: Dead silence

The Spirit Squad plays keep away from Eugene with the air horn. The arena is dead. Not even boos. Echoing shouts of the Spirit Squad are the only sound in this arena. This is pretty surreal. This is just as bad as the Tyson Tomko/Steven Richards match. The match is awful, awful, awful.

Eugene retards up in what seems like an hour into the match. Eugene hits the airplane spin and gets two after dropping Kenny. Eugene hits a Rock Bottom on Kenny but then is taken out by Johnny with a spin kick. Kenny hits a leg drop off the top rope, and it is, thankfully, over.

Winner: Kenny

Edge and Lita are in the back getting ready for Lita’s match. We get a rewind of Maria and John Cena’s victory over Lita and Edge before going to real commercials.

WWE 24/7 does a “This Week in WWE History” from the first ever Saturday Night Main Event. In it, King Kong Bundy attacks Hogan and hits him with three Avalanches “breaking” one of Hogan’s ribs. This is followed up by the Hulkster beating King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania 2.

WWE Unlimited had Kiss Cam during the break.

Here comes my girl!

Maria vs Lita: Princess vs Scullery Maid

Maria is all sparkly tonight. Maria wants to talk it over with Lita but Lita clothesline Maria. :-( Maria gets choked out and the Alabama crowd turns on the match. Lita goes over for a kiss of Edge, but Maria gets a roll-up”¦. FOR”¦. 2″¦. Aww. Lita beats Maria up a bit more and a HOOOOOOOOEEEEEE chant starts up. If only Duggan could team with the Godfather, we’d have the most popular team ever. Maria gets tossed into the corner, gets a boot up, misses a clothesline, and eats a huge DDT.

Winner: Lita

Edge is going to go for a spear on Maria, but here comes Foley. Foley gets”¦. beat down like he always does. He eats a spear, he eats a chair shot. A huge Cena chant breaks out and Foley eats a one man conchairto. Edge accepts Foley’s challenge. Foley is laid out and Edge and Lita celebrate in the ring.

Up next we go alllll the way back to 2004 where John Cena and the Big Show brought the house down with”¦ a curtain jerking performance at Wrestlemania XX.

Here’s your Wrestlemania card right now:

-Triple H vs John Cena for the WWE Championship
-Rey Mysterio vs Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle for the World Heavyweight Championship
-Ric Flair vs Rob Van Dam vs Shelton Benjamin vs ??? vs ??? vs ??? for a Money in the Bank Title Shot
-Kane and the Big Show vs Carlito and Chris Masters for the World Tag Team —Championship
-Chris Benoit vs JBL for the US Championship
-Vince McMahon vs Shawn Michaels
-Edge vs Mic Foley

On WWE Unlimited, Foley is helped to the back by the refs.

Stone Cold is inducting Bret Hart, Benoit, Chavo, and Rey are inducting Eddie, and Mean Gene is being inducted by Hulk Hogan.

The next inductee is”¦..

The Sensational Sherri Martell is announced as the fourth inductee to the Hall of Fame. A great video package of her wrestling, her with Shawn, Harlem Heat, and The Million Dollar Man, and some great interviews.

In the back, Trish and Mickie have another little awkward lesbian situation. Trish tells Mickie off and Mickie looks like a confused puppy. We get a look at Saturday Night Main Event.

On WWE Unlimited, Trevor Murdoch was disappointed that Brokeback Mountain didn’t win best picture yet when “that little Asian fella” won Trevor felt “touched” and “special”. Oh WWE”¦

We’re back with the Smackdown Rebound. We get a look at Angle and the Undertaker’s big title rematch. Kurt misses the moonsault and Undertaker hits the Tombstone. He looks like he’s going to win, but Mark Henry hits the ring and nails a splash through the announcer’s table on the Undertaker.

Here comes the Big Show.

Big Show vs John Cena: Dizavid versus Goliath

This is the most pro-Cena crowd we’ve seen in months. Cena and Big Show jaw a little bit, lock up, and Cena is powered down. Cena hits a few kicks and punches on Big Show but runs into a boot. He eats a headbutt and two big chops. Big Show stands on Cena drawing some heat and then Cena gets launched. Big Show tosses Cena into the ropes and punches him in the lower back. A scoop slam is followed by the Big Show walking on Cena and kicking him. Cena fights his way up but gets side slammed for two. The Big Show picks up Cena and puts him in a bear hug.

Cena fights out of the move by boxing Cena’s ears. The Big Show charges Cena but Cena pulls down the ropes on him. The crowd has officially turned on Cena. Triple H comes from the back with his sledgehammer and that takes us to our final commercial break of the evening.

On WWE Unlimited, Cena gets distracted by Triple H allowing the Big Show to take over. We join the match in progress with Cena getting dumped by a huge suplex. Cena puts his foot on the ropes breaking the count at two. Our replay of the break is the Big Show charging into the steel pole on the outside. Big Show hits another suplex for two and then a leg drop for two.

Big Show pulls Cena up, Cena fights him off, Big Show tosses Cena into the corner and eats a leg. Cena jumps off the second rope with a crossbody but gets slammed. Big Show goes to the top and here comes Carlito and Masters followed by Kane. Big Show gets distracted and caught on the top rope. Huge suplex off the top for two, and here comes Triple H. Cena is distracted and eats a clothesline. Cena is up for a chokeslam, but he counters with a DDT. Cena keeps trying to take down Big Show but runs into a second chokeslam. He floats through and gets the Big Show up for the FU. Boom. It’s over. 1, 2, 3.

Winner: John Cena

We end with a stare down between Cena and HHH to close the night. Big thanks to Matthew Michaels for covering the WWE Unlimited side of things tonight. The check’s in the mail”¦”¦.. Yep, just keep checking your mailbox and one of these days a check will come. I promise. Night all.