THE RABBLE IS HERE NOW!
WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT?
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
…damn right…
Ok – This week – The Wan Files for Dani – Next week – This week – A new feature!
Those who remember her – she’s appeared here before a few times, and as time as gone on she and I have gone back discussing everything from Wrestlemania matches – to the hotness of Maria. She is a fellow Maria junkie and a Canadian Lesbian (like that should matter…) she is PENNY with our new editorial column:
Mickey the referee and Mickie the psycho involved in the same match got me thinking.
Frankie and I knerw the sight of Vince’s ass was coming up, so that surreal “Two
Mickeys” moment reminded to drink AT LEAST two mickeys each before subjecting
ourselves to that.
And we STILL weren’t drunk enough.
Frankie says she’s been scarred for life and is too traumatized to eat me out
tonight. So if you hear about a crazed chubby lesbian assassinating Vince tommorrow
you’ll know why.
Speaking of eating out, I know they can only go so far on Live TV, but you’d think
Mickey would know you can only do so much through ugly cargo pants like Trish had
on. And addressing last weeks “Foreshadowing” comment of mine, we timed it. It took
Trish 12 seconds to push Mickey off once her face went below Trish’s beltline. So
this is how we figure it’ll go.
Trish will “come out” at WM22 and give in to Mickey’s advances, only for whatever
OVW chick is hottest right now and ready to be called up to come running out of the
crowd to kick the living shit out of Trish, then grab a mic and cut a promo about
how Mickey broke her heart and she’ll be damned if she lets a whore like Trish have
the woman she loves.
Oh…. f*ck…. sorry James, we forgot, in order for THAT to happen, “Creative”
would have to actually be… you know, CREATIVE.
(Agree… disagree… Email me at jhatton@comicsnexus.com and I’ll make sure she gets it.)
NOW! TO THE RABBLE!
So last week – Marty might have kissed Vince’s ass…
He might not have…
He didn’t.
SHAWN DID THOUGH!
“That looks like it’s a slobberknocker… Vince with no pants. Shane with a chair.” – Bill
“Vince liked that too much..” – Chris
“He always does..” – Me
But it is time now for what’s going on now – and here we are Vinnie and Shane coming right down to the ring with the po.. the law… Johnny Law!
“Is that the new Spirit Squad?” – Bill
“They are coming down like they are out of Madeline..” – Bill
So Vince has a podium and mic set up as he discusses the Oscars, the crowd starts ‘You Sucking’ and he discusses how they are in the Bible Belt – kinda funny. He now compares the Vince Asskissing to the Oscars… which is almost apt.
“Jon Stewart, kissing Vince’s ass next!” – Bill
“36Mafia – 1 — Vince McMahon – 0” – Me
Vince is now going to give his acceptance speech for this asskissing. The music rises as he thanks the Spirit Squad. He thanks Masterpiece. He and Carlito will face Big Show/Kane at Wrestlemania… thanks for that. Vince thanks Marty for being courageous – and because of it he will NEVER appear in a WWE ring again…
“…foreshadowing…” – Bill
He also thanks the little people for letting their bosses walk all over them, as it helps keep people like him going. He thanks Shane finally to a mixed bin of cheers and jeers. I don’t care… I cheer. He then makes a ‘Crash’ pun. Wheee. Not a bad opening bit…
So now Vince discusses that the security is here for Shawn’s own protection. As he is about to leave – Shawn’s music chimes up, and the security bails to the aisleway, Shawn runs on in through the back.
“Shawn is mauling Vince!” – Coach
“So does that make them… maul security?” – Bill
“The first step Bill is admitting you have a problem.” – Chris
So Shane is facing Shawn tonight. Nice.
COMMERCIAL
So there ain’t no stopping him or SOMETHIN’!
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. NATCHA BOY!
Intercontinental Rematch
“Bible Belt means Flair Country…” – Me
So it starts up and Shelton tosses Ric corner to corner and a back body drop from Shelton for two – and a samoan drop for two. Benjy picks up Ric… suplex set up… standing – and nice for two. Shelty tosses Ric to the corner – but Ric chops out of it and drops Shelton. Fights him into the corner and punches and kicks him down.
“Oh those are stif…. no they aren’t.. nevermind.” – Me
The ref runs in to check on Shelton – and the dumbass thumbs him in the eye!
Ric grabs Shelton and figure fours him… Shelton Taps! THE BELL RINGS AND!!!
…screw job.
WINNER BY DQ: RIC FLAIR
Ric heads to the outside, grabs Mama’s Oxygen and WHACK! EL KABONG! WHIFF! Flair has won the battle… but not the war. Flair Woos the hell out of the arena, but Shelton holds onto the title.
Tonight: WWF WRESTLEMANIA REWINDS.. yes..
WWF… WWF… WWF!!!!!! THEY ARE USING THE WWF LOGO!
YES YES YES YES YES!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I have hated calling it the WWE forever and a day – and now (seemingly due to a possible appeal) they are using the ol’ WWF logo again. Blessed be my naked dancing forest dwelling hippy tree huggers. WWF! Ahem.
Anyway.
Tonight – Two Wrestlemania Rematches:
From Wrestlemania XX – CENA vs. BIG SHOW
From Wrestlemania XV – TRIPLE H vs. KANE
COMMERCIAL
During The Commercial – Teddy Long has come to talk to RVD for a major announcement.
“I hate jews.” – Chris
It seems that the Money In The Bank match is InterPromotional! The qualifiers will be on Smackdown this week…. NEAT!
“Is it time to play the game?” – CHris
“In like fifteen minutes.” – Chris
“What’s the point of these rewind matches?” – Dani
“It’s to give them something to do til Wrestlemania…” – Me
“It’s to show continuity, but does anyone remember the last time they fought?” – Hernandez
“No… and I think I was there!” – Me
KANE vs. TRIPLE H
…why not!?…
Match starts with a firm eye gouge from Triple H.
“Aww look guys, you two are in the same political spots you were five years ago.” – Hernandez
Kane throws Trips around a few times. Then Kane gets drop toed into the center turnbuckle. He sits up and punches Trips down. Tosses Trips and then gets a one armed back body drop.
“Then applauds himself…” – Bill
“I’m awesome!” – Chris
Trips stops him as he runs up to the top rope. Kane blocks a suplex… and Kane hits his own. They go fist to fist… Trips hits the ropes, but eats the knee lift from Trips. Kick to the gut. Pedigree set up—- BACK BODY DROP.
“THis is an ugly match…” – Chris
“As a note – Kane has had most of the offensive. One Pedigree – Done.” – Me
Big clothesline from Kane. Throws him to the corner, follows up with clotheslines back and forth.. side slam and to the turnbuckle again. He hits the big clothesline.
“Who’s going to interfere?” – Hernandez
“Masters..” – Me
There he is! Trips clotheslines him over the top. He lands on his feet and Masters and Carlito spit in Kane’s eye.. throw him back in. Pedigree… done.
“So is Carlito the Big Red Delicious?” – Bill
“That is going to be the rustiest match ever…” – Chris
“And it starred two main eventers!” – Me
COMMERCIAL – Note: V FOR VENDETTA LOOKS AWESOME!
In the back – Victoria is hanging with Torie with her fluffy dog. They discuss Torie’s slapping.
“That dog.. is dead.. they put a hat on it to make it look alive.” – Bill
“Are they in a competition to wear the smallest shirt. I approve.” – Chris
Also in the back.. Shawn drinks some water. Todd wants to talk to him, but Stephanie is here and wants to talk to Shawn and get something off her chest.
“Maybe about 30 lbs…” – Me
“Kick her.. Kick her..” – Hernandez
Stephanie admits that what her brothers are doing is wrong. She just hopes that things work out, and he accepts her apology.
“And your child… oop!” – Hernandez
So she holds her belly and looks like she’s going to have a kid!
“Baby’s gonna do a run in” – Hernandez
So as Shawn runs to go get help, she slips a roofie in his drink.
“The blue drink of champions!” – Me
Shawn gets her some water – drinks his spiked water… and there we go.
COMMERCIAL
We come back to see Candice discussing her Playboy cover. I’ve seen the cover – it’s not that impressive.
“BLINDING!” – Hernandez
“With SCIEN… I MEAN BREASTS!” – Me
In the ring, Victoria and Torie introduce…
“The Red Curtain” – Hernandez
…her playboy cover.
“Is she asian?” – Dani
So they have a box of the cover – and they raise it up….
“What are they doing.. retiring it?” – Hernandez
And she’s inside!
“Let me guess.. she’s gonna spin in a circle.” – Dani
She spins in a circle. They give her the mic. We wish they wouldn’t have. So she wants Torie to admit that her cover is hotter than Torie’s covers. Torie calls her a bitch. OOOoooo SNAP!
“I like that they tried to give Victoria a makeover and it failed.” – Dani
“They can’t hide the beard….” – Jenna
So Candice goes and hugs Torie to apologize… then Victoria grabs Torie and drops her face first.
“Hey there’s a Jesus Saves sign” – Dani
“There’s a Space Mountain sign..” – Hernandez
“There should be a Jesus Saves Space Mountain” – Bill
In the back … Shawn looks a bit queezy.
COMMERCIAL
We get a replay of last week’s asskissing.
“I like that Shane always acts surprised, like he’s hearing this first time.” – Bill
HERE COMES THE MONNNEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE COMES THE MONNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I want a Shane O Mac Jersey” – Dani
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. SHANE MCMAHON
Here comes the monnneyyyyy
We all discuss how surprising it is that this is the 10pm match, but with the drugged up gimmick it might be ok.
“I want to see Shawn fall to his knees to pray.. then pass out.” – Me
“…falls backwards into the pyro…” – Bill
Shawn runs in and the bell rings.
Shawn begins by kicking down the mini-mcmahon and then chasing him in and out of the ring. Shawn hits the apron and Shane punches him square. Then with Shawn in the ring – he punches him down. Shawn is selling his daze.
“IT was ecstasy.. he LOVES those punches…” – Hernandez
“They dropped in some Jannety-Blood” – Bill
“That is PURE shit right there” – Hernandez
Tosses Shane into the ropes, reversed sends Shawn in – and then the crossbody. The kick up is wobbly. Shane with the continued beatdown. There seem to be doctors down at the outside.
“Think they are going to use the new drug policy in angle.” – Hernandez
So Shawn looks dumb and dazed – and one big haymaker drops Shawn.
There’s the pin.
WINNER: SHANE O MAC
So now as a preview of Wrestlemania… Vince goes and rings the bell and gets the pin.
And here comes the Spirit Squad.
“Shane AND the Squad… Could this night get any better?” – Dani
They run down and hold up Shane and Vince and they are winners! True American Winners.
COMMERCIAL
So the Spirit Squad are in the ring…. and here comes Eugene.
“This is all to make me feel better. I get Spirit Squad. I get Shane. Now I get EUGENE?!?! This is awesome.” – Dani
“HE’S GOT THE HIV… DON’T TOUCH HIM!” – Hernandez
So Eugene is wrestling ‘Kenny’ tonight. So they all mock EUgene for awhile, hiding an air horn from him. They give it to him…. and ..err.. it’s shameless.
Now the bell rings and Kenny hits a HUGE flying elbow for two. Bodyslam from Kenny. Solid. A big elbow drop for two. Kenny is seemingly only 19 years old.
Stomp on Eugene and a pin for two. Kenny goes for the chinlock. Eugene fights out of it. Sitting dropkick from Kenny… then a nice suplex.
“THis guy is solid.” – Me
“Expect him to not be in the Spirit Squad for a long while…” – Chris
Kenny stands over Eugene and Eugene gets the roll up for two. Then Kenny drops fists… or as Styles pits it ‘dropping the boom’. Snapmare.
“Does the Spirit Squad have a finishing move together?” – Bill
“Yes, you get absorbed into them…” – Me
Kenny slams Eugene to the turnbuckle.. and it’s time for the Tard Up! Punch. Block. Left right left.. big circular right. Airplane Spin. Both are dizzy…. Kenny against the ropes. Kenny goes for a hiptoss.. reversed by Eugene into a faceslam. Eugene gets distracted on the ropes by the other SS members. Roll up reversed with a bridge from Eugene for two.. very nice.
A long pause then a ROCK BOTTOM from Eugene… and he sets up for the People’s Elbow. ‘Johnny’ comes in with a HUGE spinning heel kick! Kenny hits a top rope LONG DISTANCE LEG DROP!
“They have names?” – Dani
“Yes, in the Spirit Squad we are all known as Kenny…” – Me
“They did that so Jamie stops calling them the ‘SS'” – Bill
In the back Lita is coming with Edge.
“Hello Pinstripes.” – Bill
“Yes, she wears pinstripes to distract from her lack of wrestling ability..” – Me
COMMERCIAL
THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY: 1986 – Hulk Hogan faced Don Muraco!
“And ruined another shirt…” – Bill
“DOn’t worry.. he had more.” – Chris
So Hulk wins it with the standard moveset, but Heenan stops the pin and he’s interrupted by King Kong Bundy! This all leading to Wrestlemania II.
Back now though – let’s talk about something important. HERE COMES MARIA!!!!
“CM Punk watches with baited breath” – Hernandez
“His breath already smells like…. nevermind.” – Me
“This is going to be an interesting match..” – Dani
“In the same way Hiroshima was an interesting evening.” – Me
LITA vs. MARIA
Maria!
Maria tries to discuss things with Lita – and wants to shake her hand in her lil white t-shirt and hot pants.
Lita clotheslines Maria down in response. Knee to Maria’s gut, and then drops her on the bottom rope.. followed by big kicks… a big suplex.
Lita goes for a kiss from Edge, but a roll-up from Maria gets two. Clothesline from Lita sends Maria down. Why do they keep flashing to Edge? Stop that.
Lita slaps the hell out of Maria, big punch to her fist. Big ‘Hoo’ chants from the crowd. Amusing. Spinning faceslam from Lita.
“Lion-O is in the audience saying ‘THIS IS MY NIGHT!” – Bill
Lita charges into Maria and she eats a kick! Maria then misses with a clothesline, and eats a big DDT. That’s that.
WINNER: LITA
Lita now grabs Maria by the hair and sets her up for the Spear. Here runs in Foley! Big fists to Edge’s face.
“What is Mick Foley doing here?” – Coach
“Collecting a paycheck.. what else?!” – Hernandez
So Foley eats a spear and Edge runs in with two chairs. QUANK! Foley’s out. Sets the man’s head on the chair. One-Man-Conchairto! Now Edge gets the mic. The crowd actually chanting for Cena?!
Edge accepts Mick’s hardcore match at Wrestlemania…
“It’s so sad, Mick looks like a fallen Ewok.” – Bill
“That was sad when they died…” – Chris
**All of us stare at him**
“If I can’t say outrageous things… why live?” – Chris
COMMERCIAL
So who is inducting Bret Hart? STONE COLD!
Who will be Inducting Eddie? Chavo, Rey, and Benoit
Who will be Inducting Gene? Hogan
Who else is being inducted? Sherry Martel!
I approve.
“And somewhere… Rick Martel cries..” – Me
In the back Trish wants to talk to Mickey James. Trish announces that Mickey is in fact.. too much. Trish wants some time apart from Mickey. Mickey whimpers. Poor kid.
In the back Big Show does a push-up.
COMMERCIAL
Hey… it’s time for a show that might be big…
“One Half? He’s like two thirds the world tag team championships” – Bill
BIG SHOW vs. JOHN CENA
Blargh…
Big lock-up and down goes Cena.
“White Rapper needs food.. badly.” – Me
Big fists from Cena get booed. Big boots get cheers! Headbutt from Big Show. Big chop. Big Big Big! Elbow to the back of Cena’s head. Huge air off of a hiptoss from Big Show.
“It’s the shoes…” – Bill
“CAN’T BUY A BUCKET!” – Me
Clubbing blows… Bodyslam.
“…that didn’t hurt….” – Me
Cena tries to fight out of it. But a sideslam drops that.
“…….that didn’t hurt……..” – Me
Bear Hug.
“MAIN EVENT BEARHUG!” – Hernandez
“…ok.,.. that hurt…” – Me
Cena now claps his hands over Big Show’s ears…
“A fan of Zeus…” – Hernandez
“SONIC BOOM!” – Me
Show hits the ropes, and Cena drops the top rope dropping Show off the top. Trips is standing at the top of the key with a sledgehammer.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back and Show is still dominating Cena. Huge standing suplex. During the break Hernandez and I were discussing how this match isn’t bad even given it’s slow pace. Show is working like you would expect him to, and Cena is selling the hell out of him. Another chop to his chest…. huge suplex for two.
“…the champ…. is in … paaainnnn…” – Me
Standing legdrop from Show for two. Cena now punching. Punches to the head. Tosses Show to the corner, but reversed and Cena hits Show with some boots…. He leaps into Show, but he is caught. SLAMMED! HARD! OUCH! Here runs down Carlito and Masters..
“Here come the troops!” – Hernandez
Kane runs and double clotheslines them down.
“FUCK THE TROOPS!” – Hernandez
Now Show is on the top turnbuckle…….. Cena suplexes Show off the top rope!!! DAMN! Cena gets.. TWO! Trips is now sauntering down.
“Advertising his new t-shirt.. how sexy..” – Hernandez
Cena watching Trips – and doesn’t notice the big clothesline. Big chokeslam gets DROPPED into a DDT…. Shoulderblock x3 into Show drops him to a knee. On #4, eats a chokeslam – and HITS THE F.U! HITS THE F.U. NICE!
Triple H is noted as mouthing ‘no f*cking way’….
WINNER: JOHN CENA
Cena points up towards the Wrestlemania sign… straight up…
“Owen?” – Hernandez
“And our contractual obligation has been met…” – Me
So – to editorialize – both of our competitors got their asses kicked, hit their finishers.. and won their match.
“Difference is.. Cena had to really work for his…” – Bill
So there we go kids.. that’s Raw. Not a horrible show – with a couple good matches. Fun stuff from us at least….
