[Editor’s Note: This article was originally to run this past weekend, but most of it was lost on my computer on Saturday afternoon. I basically said, “Fuck it,” threw a shit fit and decided to try and pick up the pieces on Monday. The following is a condensed version of what was originally to run. Enjoy.]
If I say someone looks like a camel, he looks like a camel.
(Cam’ron, referring to Jay-Z, 1/25/06)
HA! A camel! That’s… f*cking… GENIUS! I only wish that I’d have thought of it first, sort of like Ja Rule looking like a catfish, which he most certainly does.
Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
A team of American-led divers has discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday.
Scientists said the animal, which they named Kiwa hirsuta, was so distinct from other species that they created a new family and genus for it.
The divers found the animal in waters 7,540 feet (2,300 meters) deep at a site 900 miles (1,440 kilometers) south of Easter Island last year, according to Michel Segonzac of the French Institute for Sea Exploration.
The animal is white and just shy of 6 inches (15 centimeters) longâ€â€about the size of a salad plate.
(The Associated Press, 3/7/06)
Yes, and I’m sure that when served on said salad plate, the Kiwa hirsuta would taste quite scrumptious with a side of lemon butter, corn on the cob, and scalloped potatoes.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
I originally had a pretty decent “Dramatis Personae” segment written up, with a Celebrity Deathmatch-type theme. I’ll redo it for my next edition. In the meantime, read everyone on the site, including (but not limited to) Mike Eagle, Gloomchen, Mathan, Kyle David Paul, D’Estroyer, DP Wieland, Trevor, M(S^2), and all of the reviews. Sorry I couldn’t provide hyperlinks, guys, but I’ve got a news column to reassemble…
NEWS TO USE
After having settled last year with Sony-BMG and Warner-Elektra-Atlantic in his “payola” investigation, New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has shifted his focus to the radio stations. He recently filed a lawsuit against Entercom Communications Corp., alleging that the company, which owns more than 105 radio stations across the nation, has received payola from many major record labels in exchange for playing songs by their artists. Spitzer cited e-mail communications between Entercom-owned stations and several record labels, saying that they prove that the parties had secret agreements, which saw Entercom executives accepting cash, trips, and other gifts from the labels. An e-mail from a programmer at WKSE in Buffalo, N.Y., to a Columbia Records exec, dating back to 2003, read, “Do you need help on Jessica [Simpson] this week? … if you don’t need help I certainly don’t need to play it.” Another probe showed that stations had accepted up to $1,000 per play for songs like “Don’t Tell Me,” by The Repugnant Cunt, which aired a whopping 109 times in a single week on WQZQ in Nashville, Tenn. In his lawsuit, Spitzer adds that by accepting payola to play certain songs, Entercom “falsely [promoted] records up the music charts,” rigging Billboard charts, among others, which absolutely helps in increasing sales. It makes you think, if it weren’t for payola, would wastes of skin like Lil Jon and Fred Durst even have a career? Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag on that, I’d like to reveal that Widro let Seth Monroe have a column on 411mania only because Ashish was accepting gifts from the GOP, the National Alliance, and the Church of the Creator. Come on, guys, where do you think Ashish got all of those Fabergé eggs from? You heard it here first. I report, you decide.
Brad Sharmell Sullivan has received the most nominations for the 41st Annual Academy of Country Music Awards, which will be broadcast on May 23, in the categories of top male vocalist of the year, album of the year for Time Well Wasted, single and song of the year for “Alcohol”, vocal event of the year, and video of the year for “When I Get Where I’m Going,” a duet with Dolly Parton. Also receiving a respectable amount of nominations were Brooks & Dunn (5), Sugarland (5), and Carrie Underwood (4). Speaking of Dolly Parton, I just recently found out that after she was beaten by the guy who wrote the theme for Fame, at the 1981 Academy Awards, for Best Song from a Motion Picture or whatever, she stood up and stuck her boobs out while he was trying to get out into the aisle (because they were in the same row), blocking him in on purpose. That’s awesome! So was my run-on sentence!
Bruce Springsteen has been added to the lineup for the New Orleans Jazz Festival, which already has scheduled performances by Etta James, Herbie Hancock, Dave Bartholomew, and Warren Haynes. Apparently, nobody told Bruce Springsteen that he is not a jazz musician. No, he’s not. Not even close. Just like Alice in Chains without Layne Staley does not an Alice in Chains reunion make.
Quick Bits
U2 has been forced to cancel the Asia-Pacific leg of its “Vertigo” world tour (which was slated to include performances in Japan, Hawaii, New Zealand, and Australia) as a result of, according to a representative of the band, “the illness of an immediate family member of one of the band.” The 10 shows have not yet been rescheduled.
Grammy-winning African musician Ali Farka Toure died on Tuesday, at his home in Bamako, Mali, after a long bout with cancer. His exact age was not specified, although it is estimated that he was in his late 60s.
Placido Domingo was among several vocalists that performed at “A Night for New Orleans,” the re-opening ceremony/Hurricane Katrina benefit concert at the New Orleans Arena. I suck at Sudoku.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
Beth Orton – Comfort of Strangers
Beth is finally here! Her tour of the US starts this Sunday, March 12th in Washington DC at the 930 Club. There are 17 US dates and 3 in Canada with Willy Mason supporting at all shows. Tickets are going fast – a few shows are already sold out including the final date on the tour at Webster Hall in New York City. If you were one of the 5,000 people who entered the Comfort Contest you could have won tickets to meet Beth in NYC or San Francisco – winners will be contacted and posted shortly!
Next week Beth will be headlining the Astralwerks show at South By Southwest in Austin, Texas – come one down! She will be playing at 11pm at Antones. But that is just the beginning of the treats she has planned – she’ll be performing live on KGSR and KUT Radio on Thursday and then on Friday it’s a signing and performance at Waterloo Records and on to a No Depression Magazine party – come on down y’all!
In the midst of her US shows she will take a slight detour – to perform “Heart of Soul” on the TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO!! Tune in to see your favorite songstress belt out this gem of a tune Friday, March 31st!
You can read reviews and articles all over the place – including a 3 1/2 star review in Rolling Stone! Check out Nylon, Harp, Bust, Jane, New York Times, No Depression, People, Entertainment Weekly among many others. And you can still link to the David Letterman show to see her play “Conceived”.
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Marilyn Manson, “I Don’t Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)”
Mousse T v. Hot ‘n’ Juicy, “Horny”
St. Germain, “Land of…”
Elvis Presley, “Viva Las Vegas”
Bush, “Greedy Fly”
Cypress Hill, “Rock Superstar”
Apoptygma Berzerk, “Unicorn”
Hybrid, “Theme from Wide Angle“
Timo Maas, “Hash Driven”
The Only Band That Matters, “I’m So Bored With the U.S.A.”
Amon Tobin, “Slowly”
Foo Fighters, “I’ll Stick Around”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Three 6 Mafia won a f*cking Oscar.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I just lost another loan to Ditech!
Cheers
-JF2k6!
