This week we start a new feature. After the Winter Games, I’m sure we all know who Bode Miller is. If you don’t, he is an overhyped skier that acts like he’s too cool for the room, acted like he was auditioning for the role of “Dickhead Frat Guy #3” in Revenge of the Nerds Part 4 during the Olympics, and who didn’t win a single stinkin medal in Torino, or Turin, or Italy. So, in my book, he’s the gold standard of sucking. But are there people who suck worse? I pose the rhetorical question of:
WHO SUCKS WORSE, BODE MILLER OR…….?
Jesus Jones?
Yesterday at the gym, I saw the video for “Right Here Right Now”, a song that sucked balls in 1990, and is not any better 16 years later. If you haven’t heard it, you’re probably wrong, you have heard it, you just don’t know it.
Then, today I get in my car at lunch, and there it is again. Why do I keep hearing this shitty song? If there is ANYONE..on this Earth..that has any sort of desire to hear that song anymore..they need to be chemically castrated to make that desire go away. It’s kind of like that girl on American Idol who sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” last week, there are just some songs that nobody needs to hear again, and should be banished to the land of wind and ghosts.
Ah, 1990, you gave us Jesus Jones, EMF, and Vanilla Ice. What a time to be alive.
SALARY CRAP
After much hand wringing, weeping, and gnashing of the teeth, the league owners finally agreed to accept a proposal put forth by the players union that will extend the league’s collective bargaining agreement through 2011, and ensure labor peace in all the football land.
There will be a $102M salary cap in 2006, and $109M in 2007. The $102M is up from the current $94.5M, and means that a lot of the roster purging that teams feared they may have had to do if no agreement is reached, will now be pretty much unnecessary.
There is also a revenue sharing provision that requires the 15 highest revenue teams to pay into a fund that will contain close to a BILLION dollars that will be redistributed to the 15 lowest revenue teams. This system has been in place for a while in the league, and is what allows teams like the Jacksonville Jaguars, Buffalo Bills, Green Bay Packers to exist, and keeps the Pittsburgh Steelers from being as uncompetitive as the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Now it’s once again time for the league’s owners to return to lighting cigars with 1000 dollar bills and eating condor egg omelettes.
AFC EAST
The new labor agreement didn’t keep the Pats from releasing LB Willie McGinest. McGinest is a 12 year veteran that has played in 4 Super Bowls with the Patriots, and at 34 was still very productive last year, with 6 sacks and 5 tackles for losses. Don’t rule out McGinest returning to the Pats at a lower salary though. He has indicated that returning to the team (at as small a pay cut as possible) would be his first choice.
Chargers free agent QB Drew Brees may be the top prize currently available in this year’s free agent class. The Dolphins are one of the teams that have been in discussions with the Vikings about a trade for QB Daunte Culpepper, but so have a few other teams. They are also very interested in Brees but as of right now reports have the Saints as having offered him the most money. If they fail to land either Brees or Culpepper, then they’re down pitching woo to the Josh McCowns of the world, and that’s a no gouda.
The new labor agreement means that the Bills will have the cap room to retain WR Eric Moulds. The question now is whether they want to. Moulds is slated to earn $7.1 million dollars next season, and the Bills need help in a lot of areas. The Bills tried to get him to take a pay cut, and Moulds was all like, “Riiiiight.” Moulds has been a Bill for all of his 10 year career. He was one of many malcontents on the Bills last year, and was suspended for a time for conduct detrimental to the team. He also caught 81 passes for 816 yards and 4 TDs, despite being on an awful team, so he can still play.
The Jets this week released six time Pro Bowl center Kevin Mawae. Mawae is 35 years old, and missed the last six games of last season with a torn triceps muscle. Before that injury, however, he had answered the bell for 177 consecutive starts, which is just insane.
That means that there likely will be a new center next year, but a new guy leaning over that center’s buttocks. That man will most likely be Redskins’ backup QB Patrick Ramsey. The Jets have been working diligently on a trade to land him, offering a mid round draft pick this year, or a conditional pick next year.
AFC NORTH
Part of the chain reaction of events sure to follow from the increase in salary cap is that it is no longer a fait accompli that Antwann Randle El will be leaving the Steelers. With the new cap number, the team now has room to sign him, and with the team thin at the wide receiver position, look for them to make a concerted effort to keep him in the black and yellow.
The Bengals were one of only two teams to vote against the new CBA (Buffalo was the other). The organization didn’t feel that the agreement does enough to help small market clubs like themselves.
Ravens’ coach Brian Billick shot down reports that his star linebacker, and face of the franchise, Ray Lewis, wants out of Baltimore. “Has anyone heard from Ray himself? I’ve talked to Ray and he is about winning and always has been,” Billick told the Baltimore Sun, “I believe that’s where his focus is now. I believe he thoroughly understands our situation and his. I have no reason to believe that Ray is going to be anything but what he has been before: a huge part of this team and the consummate professional in practice, in the classroom and on game day.”
Count the Browns as one of the early winners in this free agent season, they swooped in and stole Pro Bowl center LeCharles Bentley from the Eagles, who many Philly reporters had all but signed sealed and delivered to Andy Reid. Bentley signed a contract Saturday morning that is worth $36 million over six years, with $12.5 million in guaranteed money. They also landed Falcons’ starting left tackle Kevin Shaffer.
AFC SOUTH
Pretty much everything has sucked for the Colts beginning when their run at an undefeated season ended with a home loss to the Chargers last December. Things will probably continue to suck when free agent season begins on Saturday, and running back Edgerrin James bolts Indy. LB David Thornton will also be available in free agency.
The Jaguars could lose talented young linebacker Akin Ayodele in free agency. Ayodele made things happen for the Jags on defense last year, forcing 4 fumbles. He would be a lower priced option at linebacker for teams that don’t want to pay the steep price for LaVar Arrington or the Niners’ Julian Peterson.
Titans’ corner Pacman Jones had the assault charges filed against him by nightclub manager Robert “Big Daddy” Gaddy dropped this week. Jones was one of the top 10 picks in last year’s draft. His play in his rookie season can be generously described as not so good.
There has been much agonizing and debate over who the Texans should take with the first overall pick in next month’s draft, or if they should use that pick at all. My theory is, no matter who they pick, they can’t lose. After all, they can’t boof up having the first overall pick any worse than they did the last time, when they picked David Carr in 2002. “David Carr”, by the way, is Texan for “Tim Couch”.
AFC WEST
The Broncos are targeting former Jets DE John Abraham as their guy to get in this free agency season. Abraham had 10 ½ sacks last season, and six forced fumbles. He’s also seemingly just about to hit the peak of his career at age 27. Abraham would be an upgrade at defensive end over Trevor Pryce, who the team released in a cap move a couple of weeks ago.
Some are saying that the Chiefs and coach Herman Edwards seem like a logical fit for free agent corner Ty Law, who had 10 interceptions playing for Edwards’ Jets last season. The Chiefs have indicated though that they are more interested in using their money under the cap to lure Terrell Owens once he is released by the Eagles.
The Chargers are rarely big players in the free agent market, but they do seem ready to bolster their secondary by signing Panthers’ safety Marlon McCree. McCree had 3 interceptions last season, and 87 tackles.
The Raiders did their weekly ritual of releasing Kerry Collins again this week. I didn’t know you can release the same guy 8 different times, but here we are. They deny they are pursuing a trade for Vikings QB and boating enthusiast Daunte Culpepper. So I guess that means we are back to Marques Tuiasosopo again next year then.
NFC EAST
Veteran corner Sam Madison is the newest member of the NY Football Giants. The 31 year old veteran has agreed to a four year $7.4 million contract. Now Big Blue sets its sites on recently released Redskins LB Lavar Arrington, who would luuuuuuuv to get a shot at his former team twice a year.
Speaking of Arrington’s former team, the Redskins are hot and heavy after Niners free agent WR Brandon Lloyd. Lloyd is a restricted free agent, so the Niners have the right to match any offer made to him. He somehow managed to gather 733 receiving yards and 5 toudchdowns playing on an epically awful SF offense last season.
The Cowboys aren’t very exposed in this free agent season, but next year could be a different story. Among the players who could be members of the 2007 free agent class are WR Keyshawn Johnson, and S Roy Williams, two of the team’s best players.
There’s going to be backlash in Philly after the team had Pro Bowl center LeCharles Bentley pulled out from under them by the Browns. It was reported that Bentley had agreed to a deal with the Eagles before the 12:01 am Saturday start of free agency. In fact, the headline of a story in the Trenton (NJ) Times read “Eagles Add Star Caliber Center Bentley”. How did this switcheroo happen? Details aren’t available yet, but I promise them next week.
NFC NORTH
Last year, the Bears were among the first teams to make a signing when they inked WR Muhsin Muhammad to a big money contract on the first day of the free agent period. Muhammad did not play up to that contract last year, and the Bears will likely be a little more cautious in their pursuit of their wideout target for this year, Antwaan Randle El.
It’s well known that the Vikings are actively trying to deal QB Daunte Culpepper, who wants out of Minnesota. Oakland was the rumored destination, but that appears to be off now. So, the teams officially in the running are now supposedly Miami, Detroit (don’t bet on that being that they are a division rival), and Arizona (don’t bet on this either, since they just signed Kurt Warner to an extension). So, by process of elimination, I am predicting Daunte Culpepper will be a DOLPHIN in 06, returning to the state where he played his college ball at UCF.
The Lions could lose DE Kalimba Edwards in this free agent season. Edwards was the team’s second round pick in 2002, and matched his career high with 7 sacks last season, his best total since his rookie year.
WR Javon Walker has let it be known that he wants out of Green Bay, telling reporters, “I just don’t like the way the organization runs itself. They want players to come up there and play hard and work hard, but when it comes time to be compensated, it’s like, ‘We forgot what you’ve done.'” The same is not true of DE Aaron Kampman. The Packers retained this potential free agent, signing him to a long term extension hours before the free agent deadline. Kampman had 82 tackles and 6.5 sacks last season.
NFC SOUTH
The Panthers did their new feature running back DeShaun Foster a solid by removing the transition tag from him, and signing him to a three year, $14.5 million dollar contract. Now maybe that asshole can buy himself his own hat, instead of stealing other people’s. He knows what I’m talking about.
Brian Griese was released by the Bucs, as expected, but the team has given him an open invitation to return to the team at a reduced salary. The team also signed FB Mike Alstott, who has been with the team since they were wearing the Dreamsicle uniforms, to remain a Buc for one more year. Alstott showed he still had a little left last season by scoring 6 TDs in short yardage situations. This was a good way for the team to repay the loyalty shown to them by LB Derrick Brooks, DT Booger McFarland, and RB Michael Pittman, who all agreed to restructure their contracts to clear up cap space.
Among the first free agents to sign elsewhere was Falcons OT Kevin Shaffer. Shaffer ascended from being a 7th round draft pick in 2002, to starting 38 of the last 39 games at left tackle for the Falcons. He bolted on Saturday, signing with Cleveland. The team has shown an interest in six time Pro Bowler Brad Hopkins, released weeks ago by Tennessee, as a replacement.
Nobody’s been working harder than the Saints to land free agent QB Drew Brees. He met with the team in New Orleans on Saturday, and all reports have both sides being close to a deal.
NFC WEST
With Shaun Alexander locked up for the rest of his career, the most prominent Seahawk free agent is now WR Joe Jurevicius. Jurevicius caught 10 TD passes for the Hawks last year, and the Eagles top the list of teams in pursuit of the 8 year veteran.
Isaac Bruce, one of the original St. Louis Rams, was briefly no longer a St. Louis Ram after the team released him earlier this week. He was brought back at a lower salary though, and likely will finish his career where he started it. The Rams also signed DT La’Roi Glover this week. The 10 year vet had a subpar season in Dallas last year, but in the 5 seasons prior to that racked up 39 sacks, including 17 in 2000 with the Saints.
Edgerrin James is in Arizona RIGHT NOW..AS I WRITE THIS…meeting with the Cardinals. We’ll see how that works out.
As bad as the Niners were last year, they could be even worse next year. Two of their top defensive players, LB Andre Carter, who had 13 sacks in 2002 but whose play has tailed off in recent years, and LB Julian Peterson, who the Sporting News ranked as the #1 outside linebacker in the NFL heading into the 2005 season, are both on the free agent block. Meanwhile, the quest goes on to build a time machine to go back to April 2005, so they can not take Alex Smith with the first overall pick.
PIMPS UP HOS DOWN
Ok that’s it for me this week. Until next week, check out these fine writers:
The Rokk says, read his column for some boxing news! And a great picture of “The Southern Dandy” Homer Simpson.
Omar has your NHL.
Patrick rules.
Steve Price eulogizes the man who helped beat his Braves in 91.
Ok then that’s a wrap.
