TNA: In The Zone 3/11/06


TNA: In The Zone for 3/11/06

Welcome to what the TNA execs claim is going to be another 60 minute adrenaline rush. At least that’s the tag line. I’m Dougie, and tonight I’m sitting here, writing this, tempting death by sugar shock. Yes, it’s that time of year again. Time for the marshmallow Peeps and Bunnies. This year I mourn the passing of one of my favorite jokes. Question: Why don’t they make the Bunnies with blue sugar? Answer: So they don’t look like they’re suffocating under the cellophane! I loved that joke. Now, I can feel my eyes tear up as I eat the blue bunnies. Damnit. I have to find a way to modify the joke. Maybe if I run through the supermarket with a package, screaming “Dial 911! They are suffocating!!!”

Anyway, welcome back to TNA: In The Zone. Last week I felt like Eric Young was In The Zone. This week’s show doesn’t leave me long to realize that he’s shoved back into the role of Generic Heal #3. More on that in a bit.

I notice as we begin that the Ultimate X cables are still up this week. I wonder if they are going to be put to some really cool use this week. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. They start out the night by building Ultimate X, at Destination X, with the return of Sting X… Wait, that’s not right. Actually, they make a big deal about Sting being gone, leaving only Steve Borden. Frankly, unless the worker in question is Mick Foley, they shouldn’t be attempting to make such distinctions.

The First match of the night is for the Tag Team Championship. Pretty cool, if you ask me. The Naturals (Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas) come out, and these kids are looking great. They have their unified look, and it really works for them. In fact, most of the official teams in TNA are actual themed teams. The big guys up north should take note, this is how you run a Tag Division. AMW come out with Our Girl Gail, who is looking particularly plastic this week.

Now, I like Gail, but lately she seems to really be phoning this crap in. She’s much better than this. I just hope she gets her crap together soon. I know she has the ability, I just hope TNA gives her the chance to show that she is more than just the chick that distracts the referee.

You’d almost forget that we have a championship match going on. Don West and Mike Tenay seem more interested in Sunday’s PPV than they are in the action. I wouldn’t mind so much if the action wasn’t so damn good! These four guys are leaving all out in the ring, and the announcers are ignoring them.

Time for a mini-rant. This just bugs me a little bit. The announcers have a very simple job. They are supposed to translate the stories that the workers are telling with their bodies. Lately they don’t even call most of the moves. They might mention the finishers, but that’s it. I expect as much from West, but Mike Tenay is supposed to be “The Professor.” This guy has forgotten more about these moves than most of these wrestlers know. Back in WCW he could give you the name of a move, which revolutionary grappler invented it, and six different variations that the Mexican Luchadors gave it. Note to TNA, give us our professor back!

Whew. Okay, I finish ranting in time for Gail to be the girl that distracts the referee. Fuck. In come Bobby Roode and Eric Young, for the interference. Well, Eric goes from being In The Zone to being a grinning idiot. This guy has so much potential. Apparently, I am not the only one who noticed, thus the return to his previous character. Frankly, I am getting tired of this old NWA type of booking. The bad guys win by someone distracting someone, and . It’s getting really old. Can the Ref not see handcuffs and broken glass?

On a side note, the writers are getting so slim on new material that they actually reference Brokeback Mountain in this match. They just can’t quit us.

The Naturals were explosive during this match. They remind me of Chris Benoit when he was younger and more flexible. The Wolverine is still among my favorites, and these two guys show the potential to someday be that good. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for The Naturals.

Mmm… Blue Marshmallow Bunny…

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, In The Zone. We see a great promo for Ultimate X, with AJ pulling out the old “Prove Me Wrong” line. I am so looking forward to a full on heel turn by this guy. Maybe claiming that he has outgrown the X-Division, and how he is now better that. It doesn’t hurt that the previous statement is true.

We head backstage for face time with Larry Zbysco. Borash has him, and asks where the champ, Christian Cage is, and for that matter where is Mont Brown. The Living Legend says that the two of them have been banned from the iMPACT Zone. Wow, whose idea was it to ban the champ from his own show? We do find out that Earl Hebner has been taped for referee duties in the match and Destination X. I wonder how wise this move is. I mean, isn’t one of these wrestlers Canadian? Coach D’Amore interrupts, but seemingly for no reason other than to insult big Z. Yeah, I didn’t understand this bit, either. Maybe there is a big payoff building. God, I hope so.

Next up is a three way match. They like these, because it allows more TV time for the guys. Again, I wish Spike was giving TNA more than an hour. This Time we get Alex Shelley, Sonjay Dutt, and Chris (HAIL) Sabin. Wow, two faces, one heel, all OVER. This should be a good match. I think I’ll just sit back and enjoy this one. Since I’m not doing play-by-play (that’s the other guy’s job), I just let this match flow over me, enjoying every spot these three want to throw. Zbysco even comes out to watch. This match is the perfect example of why I love TNA. Yeah, there is a heavyweight division, and a tag division. All right. However, these X-Division guys really lay it all on the line. They really are the stars of the show. I was hoping to see some use of the Ultimate X wires in this match, but no such luck. Oh well, I can’t complain. This match was that good.
As an aside, Alex Shelley (who was the first person that I named In The Zone) has really come a long way since being a Baby Bear. I really want to see a belt on this guy. He spent this match dropping people on their heads with Piledrivers and Brainbusters. Damn he rules. (And his music was awesome, too.)

Though Sabin won the match (via Cradleshock), we all won, watching this match. TNA did the right thing here, giving these guys all quality TV time.

Well, it had to happen. Jarrett finally shows up to talk about Sting. Wake me when he’s through.

Is he done? No, now he’s talking about Steve Borden.

Is he done? No, he’s the King of the Mountain.

Is he done? No… Oh wait, he actually is. Okay.

Jarrett does inform us that he has a secret guy to combat Sting. I swear to god, if Warrior pops out of a giant cake…

Never mind what I would do if that happens. Even JJ couldn’t be that stupid.

We get more stuff regarding the White Sox and Dale Torborg. Maybe another match coming up? Eh, why not? I really believe Torborg could have been somebody, if he hadn’t gotten shoehorned into the Kiss Demon role. I’m just glad that he’s happy doing the baseball thing.

We finally do get to see Monte and Christian, but they are “Live via satellite.” Hell, the camera makes them look like they are in the same room. This interview is supposed to be building heat for their title match, but it feels more like he build up to an eighth grade brawl. These two can get it done in the ring, but damn, this interview sucked.

Okay, our main event is an 8 man tag. Are you guys detecting a pattern? DO I need to say it again?

One side brings power. Team 3D, Rhino, and The Truth.

On the other side of the ring you get a little bit of talent, but it’s all talent that’s been jobbed out. We have “Maverick” Matt, which is a great gimmick, but an AWFUL name. We also see the Diamonds in the Rough (Again, an AWFUL name), and the Prince of Punk, Shannon Moore. (Okay, I dig the POP)

By the way, is it just me, or does Simon Diamond look more like Vince Vaughn with every passing week. If they’d give him lines like Vince’s I’d really buy into this guy. Also, am I the only one who thinks that Rhino and Shelley would make a great tag team, balancing power and style?
I’d like to know who Skipper pissed off to get so de-pushed. This guy has shown how talented he is, but getting stuck in the Diamonds? Shit. Partnered with a dude who spends his whole income on tattoos.

During this match, the Suntanned Superman seems to be firing on all cylinders. I really don’t know how he makes his body do some of the tings it does, but the dude has talent. He even helps Ray and Devon hit the What’s Up of Traci!!! That moment was worth waiting the whole week for. Nope, I was wrong, the next moment is even better. Devon and Truth making Ray get the tables, and Ray acting petulant. That was some funny shit. These guys really entertain. Anyway, good triumphs over evil, and we go immediately to the run-down of Destination X.

And the PPV? It looks to be a good one. AT least they want us to think so. Of course, that is their job! BTW, did anyone notice that Jackie was nowhere to be seen this week? Crap.

It’s really hard to pick one guy, and say “This guy is In The Zone.” So many guys this week really went all out. I guess I’m going to go with a pair of guys. These two really have their act together, and deserve a great big push. Andy and Chase continue to impress, and have huge futures ahead of them.

The Naturals are In The Zone.

Thanks for reading, disagree with me? Let me know. The marshmallow bunnies say I’m right, but I’d like to hear your feedback anyway!