The Velocity Report


Sorry about the Velocity Report being a day late this week. My Friend had this thing on and when I got home, about eight hours later than I expected to, I remembered how bad SmackDown was and how great sleep sounded. Sympathize with me, I’ve got to revisit SmackDown land in a matter of minutes. Anyways.

Opening Contest : Simon Dean verses Super Crazy
Before the match, Dean gets on the microphone and insults Super Crazy. Sigh. Nothing note worthy, as usual. Lock up to start and Dean works the arm. Crazy flips around and reverses the arm bar. Dean gets a headlock which leads into a irish whip moment, and we all know how sick of them we should be. Crazy with a few hiptosses and a springboard dropkick for a two. Dean gets the upper hand with a high kick to the shoulder and an elbow drop for two. Dean works the face with some fore arms and a foot, before taking it to the corner and nailing a drop toe hold and rolling Crazy around the ring a bit before locking on . . some move, which Romero calls a figure four. Right. Romero’s wrong. Crazy gets some right hands but Dean slams him into the ground and looks to be setting up for a surfboard, but slams Crazy’s face into the ring. Nice. Dean gets a two count. Crazy begins to mount a comeback with kicks and punches, before nailing a rather nice dropkick which is followed by a spinning heel kick. Crazy with a dropkick to a sitting down Dean for a two count. Crazy takes Dean to the corner and begins climbing up for a Moonsault, but Dean begins punching Cray. Dean goes to throw Crazy off the turnbuckle but Crazy nails a Sunset Flip Powerbomb for the victory.
Winner : Super Crazy

Nothing special, but very good for the opening match of Velocity, which is what it gets judged as. A lot better than what the opening match normally is, actually. Nine out of Ten. And you know the funny thing? This beat the majority of SmackDown in about four minutes of wrestling.


Recap of Finlay / Lashley. Not so much a recap as nearly the entire damned thing.

Sherri Martel Hall Of Fame video. I haven’t seen much, if anything, of Sherri Martel, but she seems really cool. Though, did anyone else think she was really a man?

Commercials. I’m already sick of the f*cking Commonwealth Games, it’s been advertised every ten damned minutes on Foxtel. Bastards.

Second Contest : Kid Kash and JAMIE ‘BY GAWD’ NOBLE verses Scotty Too Hotty and Funaki
FINALLY, JAMIE NOBLE HAS RETURNED! Matthews and Romero talk about Kash and Noble’s ruthlessness beforehand saying that Hotty and Funaki can be ruthless as well . . . Sure, idiots. Kash and Funaki start. Lock up and Funaki goes behind with the armbar. Kash gets a headlock which leads into the irish whip, with Kash getting an elbow. Kash runs but Funaki trips him and gets a quick pin count, thankfully, without the three count. Funaki with a hiptoss and dropkick, dropkick to Noble, tag out to Hotty. Hotty looks to have lost a bit of weight, actually. Kash tags out to Noble. Hotty knocks Kash off the turnbuckle, boot to Noble’s face, before Kash trips Hotty. Funaki distracts the referee as Noble gets a knee to the neck of Hotty, some stomps, before nailing a neckbreaker for two. Noble knocks Funaki off the apron and Noble tags out to Kash, who lays the boots to Hotty. Tag back oout to Noble. Hotty gets a quick sunset flip pinfall over Noble after a failed double team irish whip splash, which is promptly broken by Kash.Kash goes for a pinfall, but the refereee takes him out. Leg drop and two count for Noble. Tag back out to Kash. Kash goes to the top turnbuckle and attempts a moonsault, but Hotty gets the knees up. Tag out to Noble and Funaki. Funaki jumps in with a crossbody on Noble, punch to the gut of Kash and shoulder toss to Noble, enziguri to Kash and scoop slam to Noble. Funaki goes up top and jumps off with a crossbody on Noble with a pinfall which is broken by Kash. Hotty bulldogs Kash and begins to set up the Worm. Noble tries to stop the worm, only to get superkicked down, and Kash tosses Hotty out of the ring. Funaki dropkicks Kash out of the ring. The Samoan Gutbuster by Noble gets the victory!
Winners: Kid Kash and Jamie Noble

Another perfectly entertaining match for Velocity. Another that kicked the majority of SmackDown. Eight out of Ten.

Commercials. “What is this smut you’ve been listening to?” “It’s NOT smut, it’s radio disney!”

Recap of Paul Burchill verses William Regal. I don’t see any reason why this couldn’t have been put on Saturday Night’s Main Event. The part of the match they showed was the much more fairly matched part, as opposed to the Regal kicking Burchill’s ass part.

Out of nowhere, we get a “Don’t Try This At Home” vignette. It’s a new one, too.


Third Contest : Tatanka verses Frankie Kiatsu
Oh, yay, Tatanka. Well, he’s had two watchable matches lately, but those were actual matches. Not friggin squashes. I think it’s Kiatsu, I have no idea, Chimmel and Romero said it differently. Kitasu attack from behind, but Tatanka brings out the chops. Tatanka shoulders down Kiatsu a few times before nailing a hiptoss. Scoop slam on Kiatsu, followed by a Elbow drop. Suplex by Tatanka! DROPKICK by Tatanka! Wow! Another scoop slam followed by a leg drop. Tatanka takes Kiatsu to the corner and nails some kicks followed by the chops. Kiatsu gets some shots in, but Tatanka obviously gets the shots back in. Clotheslines by Tatanka followed by another Scoop SLam. Atomic Drop by Tatank. Shoulder toss by Tatanka. Trail’s End by Tatanka gets the victory.
Winner: Tatanka

Rather obvious squash match, but ten times better than what I had expected by Tatanka. One out of Ten because I was surprised at what Tatanka actually could do, but it was still extremely simple. Now if only they stop feeding him jobbers, we get the damned point already.

Commercials. Man I hate Ian Thorpe.

Recap of Kurt Angle and Rey Mysterio verses Mark Henry and Randy Orton. We begin from Mark Henry taking out the referee and Daivari getting the table. Yeah, that’s a great recap of the match guys.

Main Event: MNM with Melina verses Brian Kendrick and Paul London
I’m going to love this match, baby. Nitro, London, Kendrick, Oh My! London and Nitro start. Nitro attacks right away and gets a headlock. Irish whip BS, and London trips Nitro. Hiptoss into armbar by London, who tags in Kendrick. Kendrick and London whip Nitro and nail a double team hiptoss followed by a double team elbow drop and then a double team dropkick on Mercury. Kendrick and Nitro are finally alone. Irish whip by Nitro and Melina grabs Kendrick’s leg. Kendrick yells at Melina, who goes to slap him, but while the referee is distracted by London, Mercury nails a boot to the head of Kendrick. Nitro gets a one count. Tag out to Mercury. MNM whip Kendrick into the corner, before Mercury nails a Northern Lights for two. Mercury punches Kendrick down before nailing some mounted punches . . and Melina squeals. Damn. Tag out to Nitro. MNM flip Kendrick into the corner. Sweet. Nitro chokes Kendrick at the ropes, while Melina takes a photo of her in front of it. Ha! Tag out to Mercury. Double team delayed suplex. Sweeet. Two count by Mercury. Another two count. And another. I’ve never understood that. Tag out to Nitro. Nitro gets a punch into the ribs of Kendrick before Mercury throws Kendrick down. Nitro stomps on Kendrick a bit before nailing that dancing leg drop and posing for a bit for a two, broken by London. Sleeper hold applied by Nitro. Kendrick tries to escapes with a Northern Lights and tags in London but, surprise surprise, the referee is distracted by Mercury! London goes to attack Nitro but the referee stops him, as MNM stomp away on Kendrick. MNM pick up Kendrick and go for a double team atomic drop but Kendrick flips back, and does some gymnastics and tags in London! London elbows MNM down, dropsault to Mercury! Shoulder toss to Nitro! Hurricanrana to Mercury! Dropsault on Nitro, with London landing on Mercury for a two! Nitro sends London throat first into the top rope, as Mercury gets a School Boy for a two! MNM go for the Snapshot but Kendrick knocks down Nitro! London brings down Mercury for a Small Package, but the referee is distracted by Kendrick! London looks to go for an Eziguri on Mercury but gets a SWEET Small Package, but Melina distracts the very stupid referee! London with a Belly to Belly on Mercury before he goes up top, but Melina throws him off into a Superkick by Nitro, followed by the Snapshot for the victory!
Winners: MNM

My one problem with this match? It wasn’t for the titles. Ten out of Ten for something that would get an instant Eight out of Ten on Pay Per View.

This is one of those special times where you realize just how stupid the WWE is. They could have had a perfectly good SmackDown this week if they had thrown the two Tag Team Matches on the card. Sigh, oh well. For Velocity This Week . . .

Super Crazy verses Simon Dean; 9 / 10
Kid Kash and Jamie Noble verses Scotty Too Hotty and Funaki; 8 / 10
Tatanka verses Frankie Kiatsu; 1 / 10
MNM verses Paul London and Brian Kendrick; 10 / 10
Velocity 11 / 03 / 2006; 28 / 40.

Pretty darn good Velocity, if you ask me. And you are reading MY report of it, after all. Til Friday, Ciao Yáll!