Looking Ahead
Welcome one; welcome all, to the latest edition of Looking Ahead, the column with more spunk than a spunky monkey.
In the words of Dr. John Dorian… What’s Crackin, Playa?
News… in the Present!
Chris Klucsarits, the person who plays the wrestling character “Chris Kanyon” comes out of the closet.
And the World continues not to really care. I hate people who make a big f*cking deal about being gay. If you’re gay, you’re gay. There’s no need to justify yourself by shouting it from the rooftops, it just makes you look like you “came out” for the attention, not because you love the cock.
Taboo Tuesday gets renamed to Cyber Sunday.
Cyber Sunday. That sounds like a cyber sex convention. Not that I’d know about those sort of things…
Anyhoo… I’m interested to know where Survivor Series will be this year. I hope that because the venue is TBD, it means that there’s a slight chance it’ll be held in the U.K. That would rock.
Stevie Richards is scheduled to be back on Smackdown after Wrestlemania, according to Meltzer.
And the “Let’s bring back people who used to be in ECW so we can get a few more buys for the 2nd ECW One Night Stand” plan comes to fruition.
World Wrestling Entertainment has come to terms on the releases of the following talents (Mascarita Sagrada, Tsuki, Pequeno Violencia, Octagoncito, Piratita Morgan and Super Porky) that make up the SmackDown Juniors division. WWE wishes them all the best in all their future endeavours. – WWE.com
Gutted.
The Nearest WWE PPV
WrestleMania 22 (RAW & SmackDown!)
2nd April, 2006
Chigaco, IL.
The Card So Far
WWE Championship
John Cena vs. Triple H
Triple Threat Match for World Heavyweight Championship
Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio
Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair
Mr. McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels
Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
Hardcore Match
Edge vs. Mick Foley
United States Championship Match
Chris Benoit vs. JBL
World Tag Team Championship Match
Kane & Big Show vs. Chris Masters & Carlito
WrestleMania Predictions / Fantasy Booking / Etc…
WWE Championship
John Cena vs. Triple H
It’s hard for me to give a firm answer just yet about the winner of the match, however I’m leaning towards Cena. You have to think that this feud will run for a good 4 to 5 months, and having Triple H win the title at ‘Mania wouldn’t make sense from a business standpoint. Normally title switches are saved for the middle of a feud to keep things fresh, so having Cena lose wouldn’t be the best idea.
That’s of course assuming the feud does indeed run for 4 to 5 months. With Tubby S and Triple H having a baby around that time, it would be a perfect opportunity for HHH to disappear after losing the title to Cena again. (Making him a 3 time World champ….. *shudders*)
Triple Threat Match for World Heavyweight Championship
Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio
I’m swinging towards Orton winning the title, as he needs it to cement his Main Event status right now. In my eyes, he’s still the one-time champ who looked weak when he lost to Triple H after only a month’s reign. Having Orton win the title would make him look a lot stronger.
Saying that, Angle’s only held the title for a few months so him keeping the belt wouldn’t be a bad move either. Then we’ve got Rey, who if there ever was a time when he had a chance of winning the World Title, this would be it.
Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair vs. ? vs. ? vs. ?
Lashley and Finley are dead-certs to be in this match, as I’m pretty sure the Lumberjack match this week on SmackDown will again result in another No-Contest. So I’m guessing Teddy Long might make an announcement that both men will be in the match.
So that leaves one other guy to be entered. My pick is my new favourite superstar in the WWE… Pirate Paul Burchill!
Seriously though. Although he is my new favourite guy (just ahead of Helms), there’s little chance of him being involved in the match unfortunately. Although Burchill and Regal will get to battle it out against Hardy vs. Animal as the match that will grace “Heat” before WrestleMania.
Mr. McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels
This is where Bret Hart makes his comeback, costing HBK the match and revealing to the World that he was inline with old Vinney-Mac all along, that he knew about his “screwing”, and that he hated HBK so much that he wanted to cause him years of guilt and shame about the whole thing.
You just watch…
Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
And the Career of Mark Henry in the WWE comes to a close, by the closing of a casket lid.
Question. Remember back in the day, when they used to show skits of Taker carving and building his opponents caskets? Why don’t they do that anymore? That was some cool shit right there.
Hardcore Match
Edge vs. Mick Foley
Let the brutality commence! My pick is Edge, because he’s got less to lose. How weak would he look losing to Triple F (Fat Fuck Foley… seriously, how fat is the guy now?), especially since Edge needs a tick in the ‘win’ column more so than ever, since his loss to Cena.
United States Championship Match
Chris Benoit vs. JBL
After talking to Eric S, and a few other people who don’t have columns to link, about the possibilities of a JBL win, I just can’t see Benoit losing the US strap just yet.
I feel that if they want this feud to continue for a while, they need to have JBL lose the match at WrestleMania, then have him become incensed that he didn’t win. That would give him the drive and the anger to beat Benoit at a later date, finally capturing the US title.
World Tag Team Championship Match
Kane & Big Show vs. Chris Masters & Carlito
Can you smell that? No, not your feet… nor your hand that’s just been scratching your balls.
It’s the smell of NEW TAG CHAMPS BABY! And I couldn’t be happier. FINALLY, we get the belts of Show & Kane and can use them for something other than shoulder pads when walking down to the ring. They can be used to elevate Chris Masters and Carlito, and give both wrestlers more credibility. Raw is lacking in the upper mid-card scene (as well as the tag scene, but that’s by the by), so by having Carly and Masters as the tag champs, it gives them a slight boost in the casual fans eyes when they see a title belt strapped around their waists.
I know, I know… f*ck the casual fans. But even the WWE needs to try and capture the casual fan’s attention sometime.
Where I’m going with this, I’ve no idea, so I’ll stop now.
The following matches haven’t been announced, but they’re what I think we’ll be seeing…
Women’s Title Match
Trish vs. Mickie vs. Candice
I guess the talk of Candice being the Women’s Champ come ‘Mania was complete crap, so let’s just go with the better, more satisfying match of Trish vs. Mickie.
Oh, and Mickie will win. Probably.
Bra & Panties Match
Stacy & Torrie vs. Candice & Victoria
WTF happened? Candice was turned face, then a double turn happened a week later and we’ve now got Torrie face and Candice heel again? Maaaaaan… these crazy storylines… I just can’t keep up with them. It might have something to do with the fact that I don’t give a monkeys’ left testicle about 80% of the women in the WWE, so I just change the channel when they come on, thus not seeing what went down. I know. Shame on me. Get Stacy back on my screen and then we’ll talk.
Boogeyman vs. Booker T
It will be interesting to see if this last’s longer than a minute. I want to see if they let Booker get some offence on Boogey, and to see if he sells it.
I’ve a bad feeling Booker will bail from the ring and head towards the exit, getting counted out in the process. What this solves is beyond me, but they’ve not had Boogeyman loose yet and he’s also yet to properly “WRESTLE” a match. Hopefully we’ll see just what the face-painted-freak can do.
Cruiserweight Title Match
Gregory Helms vs. ?
I’m still stumped as to how Helms will be involved in WrestleMania. He’s being pushed too hard for him to be left off the card, however they’ve eliminated any possible contender for him to face. They might throw him into the MITB match (which would be awesome) but it will probably be a crappy invitational match with Funaki, Scotty, Simon Dean, and any other cruiser’s I’ve forgot about in the match.
WWE Tag Title Match
MNM vs. The Mexicools vs. London & Kendrick vs. Gymini
Might as well get as many people on the card as possible, and this would be a fine way for the Mexicools to squeak out a victory. Although MNM could do with some more time as champs, as they seem to hot-shot the belt on and off them every so often.
Draft Lottery
Every week until whenever they do the draft, I’ll be bringing you a recommendation for somebody to be moved.
This week, it’s Cena. Guy REALLY needs to go back to SmackDown, or bring his A game and learn a few more moves; otherwise the fan backlash will continue.
Yeah, he’d be on the “B” show, but he would get his matches edited again, meaning only the fans at the live event would see him f*ck up/hear the crowd bury him. The fans at home would be none the wiser, thanks to the technology of drowning out the crowd feed and replacing it with a more “happier” crowd.
Looking Behind
Some stuff you should really go read:
The Sopranos Preview – Tony Soprano
Contradicting Popular Opinion: 9.3.06
Tim Stevens’ Reviews
The Anti-Pulse
Pancakes In the Age of Enlightenment
You Complete Bar Steward!
The aura is fading…
Right, that’s all you’re getting this week. Cheers!
Danny Wallace.
The ‘Sponsored Sound’ for this week is: Dirty Pretty Things – Bang Bang, You’re Dead
