Okay, so Tommy had some real life stuff intrude rather rudely into his usual coverage. (Trust me, I can relate: wife, two kids, job with insane levels of responsibility and technical hoo-hah — good thing I work from home on Tuesdays, eh?). So, tonight – you get me, your usual Friday Night Smackdown Live guy. (Yeah, I know – you don’t read that either.) So sit back and enjoy, as we find out what kind of outrageous sh*t Vince & Co. tries to pull on us tonight.
(And hey – do you watch TV? Do you get HBO? If so, you better be watching “The Sopranos” – check my character background on Tony below. And tune in every Monday morning from here on out for my official Sopranos review on the TV section.)
Checking on the USA channel just before 9pm, we come upon “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”. This show would be so much better if Vincent D’Onofrio would pull out his character from “Men in Black”. Or even better, from “The Cell” (that Jennifer Lopez flick — this is even better if you got the DVD, and have watched the deleted scenes).
“Last Monday on USA” — a quick recap of the HBK/McMahons deal. “Will Shawn get revenge?” Mmmmmmm.. maybe?
“Last Monday on Raw” — HBK and Steph (w/roofie); Shane vs. HBK (w/drug-induced reaction time). I just love that HBK/Steph scene: “Children change your life, Shawn.” Really, Steph? Here’s a nice question — wanna tell the TV audience who the father is? And here’s another question — how many vials of drugs could she have fit in her cleavage anyway? Enough to dope the entire lockerroom? Stadium? Eastern seaboard?
Union Underground hits the airwaves (that song’s available on iTunes, if you were curious), and we get our usual credits and pyro.
TONIGHT: RVD vs. Shelton (oh, there is a God after all), and the Contract Signing for Cena and HHH (oh – nevermind).
And we are LIVE (actually live, not just plausibly live like on Friday nights) in Beaumont, TX. Texas, eh? Well,that leaves open some possibilities…
“No Chance in Hell” starts up, and we get Vince, Shane-O-Mac (yay!), a guy in a lab coat (uh-oh), and some security (meh). As they round the corner, I notice that Lab Coat Boy is holding a vial. Oh, no – please, no. Tell me they are NOT going to work the new drug policy into a freaking storyline. I know it was talked about last week, but I didn’t think they’d go this low. *sigh* I guess after Katie Vick, everything is considered “above the board”.
Vince and Shane talk a bit, and bring up the fact that “Shawn Michaels is on drugs!” (That just struck me as hilarious to hear that from Vince’s lips. Wonder why…) “Shawn Michaels has besmirched the good reputation of WWE, and everybody in it.” Oh c’mon now — there’s just too many jokes that write themselves here.
Vince calls HBK out to the ring, and “Sexy Boy” breaks out on the speakers. Shawn does his patented “serious, subdued entrance” down to the ring. Then, I spend five minutes why anyone would put HBK in an opening-show interview, and NOT give him a mike. Jeezus. Shane calls him “a junkie”, and Vince spouts out: “Kids, if you’re a user – you’re a loser.” And a little part of me dies inside….
HBK actually steps behind a modified screen with the doc, does the motions, and they walk out with a vial of (alleged) urine for Shane’s drug test. Shawn finally gets ahold of the mic, asks the McMahons if they’re enjoying all of this (me? not so much), and reminds everyone of a good classic line: “It’s better to be pissed off, then pissed on.” And, in the move we saw coming for the last few minutes — toss his “urine” on Vince and Shane. They, of course, act like they’ve been hit with sulfuric acid, and Shawn walks out of the ring, smirking like only he can.
We go.. To COMMERCIAL…
And we’re back with a recap of the piss-tossing (hey, how many times do you get to type that line? well, unless you’re covering The Scottish Games, or something). Vince announces a match tonight: HBK vs. the Spirit Squad. (Umm, done that?) “All four guys!” (Umm, done that? And aren’t there 5?) “At the same time! In a steel cage!” (Oh. Well, okay – that’s new.) Hey – I *heart* the Spirit Squad, and HBK is my favorite in-ring performer of the last 10 years. So – all good with me. No idea how this match is going to go down, though.
Trish vs. Victoria: and this is our first match of the night, starting at 9:22pm EST. And it’s a lovely little four minute match, between two competitors that definitely know what they’re doing. I’d say more, but c’mon – it’s a four minute match, for Pete’s sake. The End Game comes when Trish goes for the Stratusfaction, but Candance jumps up on the ring apron. Victoria takes advantage and goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Torrie runs in and hits the Nose Job (X-Factor). Trish nails the Chick Kick (still can’t believe they call it that), and we get our 1-2-3. Afterwards, Victoria tries to say something over the mic — but the mic craps out. Oops – the wonders of live TV.
To COMMERCIAL…
During the commercial, Victoria announces that Torrie will pay “Big Time”. Gosh, how subtle.
And now, Cowboy Troy saunters out (if you don’t know who he is – country singer, host of the country-music version of “American Idol”) and takes a seat with the announcers. He seems to get along with Coach well- hey, good for him. And then Coach announces the new video for Mick Foley (meanwhile, Joey Styles is flipping through what looks to be his script, mouthing “What??”).
“The following Superstar has been rated O for OverRated”. Okay – this is fairly amusing. Mick takes bump, after bump, after bump — showing definitive proof that he was always one of the best at taking a great ass-kicking. Ya know, if enough wrestlers today recognized what a truly great skill that was, sports entertainment would be in a MUCH better place. (And hey – GET OFF MY LAWN, you damn kids…) And this segues straight into..
Edge (w/Lita, w/great zebra-striped top and *horrible* hair-do) vs. Golddust (w/no entrance – gee, guess who wins?) Bleh match. Golddust pulls out his standard 90’s offense that he’s been using since he started the character, and sets Edge up for the Shattered Dreams. But, Lita distracts him, Edge gets the spear, 1-2-3, please drive through. thank you.
Afterwards, Edge shows his own video, basically pronouncing his own greatness: TLC, Money in the Bank, never lost at Wrestlemania, scene of his greatest triumph, blah blah blah. We do get a great line when he’s referred to as “The most watched champion of the past five years.” Wow – how did Triple H ever let *that* line get through the WWE censors? Edge announces that we’ll be seeing the return of “The Cutting Edge” on Saturday Night’s Main Event, with Mick Foley as his guest. Okay then.
To COMMERCIAL…
Our Wrestlemania BIG TIME moment is the 1989 Piper’s Pit with Morton Downey Jr. Mort blows smoke in Roddy’s face a few too many times, and eats a fire extinguisher as a result. Was kinda funny then, and VERY dated now. (My fingers kept trying to type “Robert Downey Jr. back there — granted, that would have been a much different interview, then and now.)
Backstage, we see Maria working out on some crappy POS based on the belief that rubber bands will give you a consistent resistence over time (it’s called physics, kids — READ A BOOK). But, the working pose is admittedly nice – the Rabble will be pleased. Trish comes by, looking for Torrie, and eventually finds her in the “Divas Locker Room”, laid out on the floor. I know this because Trish calls out: “Torrie’s been laid out!” (HA!)
Okay, so Tommy had some real life stuff intrude rather rudely into his usual coverage. (Trust me, I can relate: wife, two kids, job with insane levels of responsibility and technical hoo-hah — good thing I work from home on Tuesdays, eh?). So, tonight – you get me, your usual Friday Night Smackdown Live guy. (Yeah, I know – you don’t read that either.) So sit back and enjoy, as we find out what kind of outrageous sh*t Vince & Co. tries to pull on us tonight.
(And hey – do you watch TV? Do you get HBO? If so, you better be watching “The Sopranos” – check my character background on Tony below. And tune in every Monday morning from here on out for my official Sopranos review on the TV section.)
Checking on the USA channel just before 9pm, we come upon “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”. This show would be so much better if Vincent D’Onofrio would pull out his character from “Men in Black”. Or even better, from “The Cell” (that Jennifer Lopez flick — this is even better if you got the DVD, and have watched the deleted scenes).
“Last Monday on USA” — a quick recap of the HBK/McMahons deal. “Will Shawn get revenge?” Mmmmmmm.. maybe?
“Last Monday on Raw” — HBK and Steph (w/roofie); Shane vs. HBK (w/drug-induced reaction time). I just love that HBK/Steph scene: “Children change your life, Shawn.” Really, Steph? Here’s a nice question — wanna tell the TV audience who the father is? And here’s another question — how many vials of drugs could she have fit in her cleavage anyway? Enough to dope the entire lockerroom? Stadium? Eastern seaboard?
Union Underground hits the airwaves (that song’s available on iTunes, if you were curious), and we get our usual credits and pyro.
TONIGHT: RVD vs. Shelton (oh, there is a God after all), and the Contract Signing for Cena and HHH (oh – nevermind).
And we are LIVE (actually live, not just plausibly live like on Friday nights) in Beaumont, TX. Texas, eh? Well,that leaves open some possibilities…
“No Chance in Hell” starts up, and we get Vince, Shane-O-Mac (yay!), a guy in a lab coat (uh-oh), and some security (meh). As they round the corner, I notice that Lab Coat Boy is holding a vial. Oh, no – please, no. Tell me they are NOT going to work the new drug policy into a freaking storyline. I know it was talked about last week, but I didn’t think they’d go this low. *sigh* I guess after Katie Vick, everything is considered “above the board”.
Vince and Shane talk a bit, and bring up the fact that “Shawn Michaels is on drugs!” (That just struck me as hilarious to hear that from Vince’s lips. Wonder why…) “Shawn Michaels has besmirched the good reputation of WWE, and everybody in it.” Oh c’mon now — there’s just too many jokes that write themselves here.
Vince calls HBK out to the ring, and “Sexy Boy” breaks out on the speakers. Shawn does his patented “serious, subdued entrance” down to the ring. Then, I spend five minutes why anyone would put HBK in an opening-show interview, and NOT give him a mike. Jeezus. Shane calls him “a junkie”, and Vince spouts out: “Kids, if you’re a user – you’re a loser.” And a little part of me dies inside….
HBK actually steps behind a modified screen with the doc, does the motions, and they walk out with a vial of (alleged) urine for Shane’s drug test. Shawn finally gets ahold of the mic, asks the McMahons if they’re enjoying all of this (me? not so much), and reminds everyone of a good classic line: “It’s better to be pissed off, then pissed on.” And, in the move we saw coming for the last few minutes — toss his “urine” on Vince and Shane. They, of course, act like they’ve been hit with sulfuric acid, and Shawn walks out of the ring, smirking like only he can.
We go.. To COMMERCIAL…
And we’re back with a recap of the piss-tossing (hey, how many times do you get to type that line? well, unless you’re covering The Scottish Games, or something). Vince announces a match tonight: HBK vs. the Spirit Squad. (Umm, done that?) “All four guys!” (Umm, done that? And aren’t there 5?) “At the same time! In a steel cage!” (Oh. Well, okay – that’s new.) Hey – I *heart* the Spirit Squad, and HBK is my favorite in-ring performer of the last 10 years. So – all good with me. No idea how this match is going to go down, though.
Trish vs. Victoria: and this is our first match of the night, starting at 9:22pm EST. And it’s a lovely little four minute match, between two competitors that definitely know what they’re doing. I’d say more, but c’mon – it’s a four minute match, for Pete’s sake. The End Game comes when Trish goes for the Stratusfaction, but Candance jumps up on the ring apron. Victoria takes advantage and goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Torrie runs in and hits the Nose Job (X-Factor). Trish nails the Chick Kick (still can’t believe they call it that), and we get our 1-2-3. Afterwards, Victoria tries to say something over the mic — but the mic craps out. Oops – the wonders of live TV.
To COMMERCIAL…
During the commercial, Victoria announces that Torrie will pay “Big Time”. Gosh, how subtle.
And now, Cowboy Troy saunters out (if you don’t know who he is – country singer, host of the country-music version of “American Idol”) and takes a seat with the announcers. He seems to get along with Coach well- hey, good for him. And then Coach announces the new video for Mick Foley (meanwhile, Joey Styles is flipping through what looks to be his script, mouthing “What??”).
“The following Superstar has been rated O for OverRated”. Okay – this is fairly amusing. Mick takes bump, after bump, after bump — showing definitive proof that he was always one of the best at taking a great ass-kicking. Ya know, if enough wrestlers today recognized what a truly great skill that was, sports entertainment would be in a MUCH better place. (And hey – GET OFF MY LAWN, you damn kids…) And this segues straight into..
Edge (w/Lita, w/great zebra-striped top and *horrible* hair-do) vs. Golddust (w/no entrance – gee, guess who wins?) Bleh match. Golddust pulls out his standard 90’s offense that he’s been using since he started the character, and sets Edge up for the Shattered Dreams. But, Lita distracts him, Edge gets the spear, 1-2-3, please drive through. thank you.
Afterwards, Edge shows his own video, basically pronouncing his own greatness: TLC, Money in the Bank, never lost at Wrestlemania, scene of his greatest triumph, blah blah blah. We do get a great line when he’s referred to as “The most watched champion of the past five years.” Wow – how did Triple H ever let *that* line get through the WWE censors? Edge announces that we’ll be seeing the return of “The Cutting Edge” on Saturday Night’s Main Event, with Mick Foley as his guest. Okay then.
To COMMERCIAL…
Our Wrestlemania BIG TIME moment is the 1989 Piper’s Pit with Morton Downey Jr. Mort blows smoke in Roddy’s face a few too many times, and eats a fire extinguisher as a result. Was kinda funny then, and VERY dated now. (My fingers kept trying to type “Robert Downey Jr. back there — granted, that would have been a much different interview, then and now.)
Backstage, we see Maria working out on some crappy POS based on the belief that rubber bands will give you a consistent resistence over time (it’s called physics, kids — READ A BOOK). But, the working pose is admittedly nice – the Rabble will be pleased. Trish comes by, looking for Torrie, and eventually finds her in the “Divas Locker Room”, laid out on the floor. I know this because Trish calls out: “Torrie’s been laid out!” (HA!)
To COMMERCIAL…
The announcers talk about Torrie, and mention “the obvious calling card” of the Playboy issue laid on top of Torrie. And, since they noticed it and mentioned it, that obviously means the attack was really done by.. Micki. Geez, I hate when they make it obvious.
The new induction into the WWE Hall of Fame: Verne Gagne, inducted by Greg Gagne. Wow, didn’t see that coming.
Coach announces that the contract signing for the WM main event is coming up, and heads to the ring.
To COMMERCIAL…
Trip walks down, takes a seat, and kicks his feet up on the desk. Cena comes down, sits straight up, and stares a hole into HHH. We then get an amusing bit: HHH informs Cena that normally, he’d flip the table over, grab his slegehammer, and beat Cena half to death: but he doesn’t have to do something like that with Cena, because he doesn’t need to. Cena laughs, and says he thinks the reason Trip didn’t try that was because Cena would stick that sledgehammer straight up Trip’s ass (nice pop from the crowd). Trip doesn’t take it well, and we look to move to fisticuffs.. but then Big Show’s music hits. Oh — and Kane. But, Carlio and Masters run out (and let me state now: *I* was the first one to call this — check Eric S’s columns for proof, biatches). We get a bit of a cluster-f’, but Vince comes out to settle it all down, and announces a 6-man tag tonight. Cool.
To COMMERCIAL…
We come back to the lowered STEEL cage.
HBK (w/grimace) vs. The Spirit Squad (w/airhorns). The Squad (I am *NOT* typing “the SS”) make me smile by coming into the cage by climbing over top separately. HBK starts with some basic punches and clothelines, but the numbers overwhelm him, and the Squad pull some impressive double-, triple-, and quadruple-teams on him. HBK makes the comeback, and one of the Squad members takes the best DDT bump I have *ever* seen (seriously, the guy looked like he should have crushed two vertebrae). HBK knocks out all 4 in the ring, steps to the door, knocks out the fifth member outside, steps back in to take care of someone still on their feet.. and then gets caught from behind by Shane. HBK is dragged in, Shane pulls a Squad member over him… 1-2-3. Eh – still somewhat entertaining, since we knew we were dealing with a 1-on-4. The beatdown continues afterwards — the cage gets lifted up, Shane sets HBK for a Van Terminator… (Joey: “I’ve never seen this live before!” WHAT? Oh, you mean, done by Shane.) HITS IT. I don’t care who’s pulling it off – still nice. And HBK is a bloody mess.
To COMMERCIAL…
Trish gets interviewed by Creepy Todd, who says Torrie isn’t available Saturday, and Victoria & Candace are nowhere to be found. Micki James walks in, and asks Trish to be her partner (gee, convenient). So, SNME is slightly modified — hey, if it brings in 3 wrestlers in the match instead of 2, I’m okay with it.
We get a new video for Stone Cold, apparently called “Sometimes I Drink a Little Beer”. Sounds like the lead singer is the guy from Rage Against the Machine: guess he got desperate for work after Audioslave turned out to be successful. Gee, poor guy.
Vince announces that “Good Ole J.R.” is coming back to announce Shane’s match against HBK. Shane, however, threatens that if things don’t go his way, he’ll leave JR “a bloody mess just like Shawn Michaels”. Okay – what f*cking pod did this Shane walk out of, and where did the guy that I actually liked go to?
To COMMERCIAL…
Ric “The Man” Flair comes down to ringside, shakes hands with the King and Styles, but gets blown off by Coach. And he’s here to observe…
Shelton Benjamin (w/no Mama) vs. RVD (w/flippy-flippy): Mama is apparantly getting heart surgery tonight. Ooookay. Well, look – these are two of my favorite guys in the WWE now, so I’m just going to say: awesome match. Plenty of bumps, plenty of “wow” moments (including when Benjamin pulls a pop-up, springboard overhead suplex off the top rope in the corner, and ), and just a great match between two guys who gel together REALLY well. If there’s any justice in the world, these two will eventually settle into a months-long fued over.. well, anything – a title, respect, whatever. End Game: RVD his a side-kick to Benjamin on the apron, followed by a pescado. Benjamin rolls in and right back out, grabs the IC belt, and begins to climb back in the ring. Flair jumps up, grabs the belt, gets hit by an RVD flying forearm, and Benjamin gets the roll-up, with help from the ropes — 1-2-3. (Grabbing the ropes warmed my heart – I share Scott Keith’s opinion on heels using the ropes for ALL pin attempts, when possible).
To COMMERCIAL…
Saturday Night’s Main Event looks like this thus far:
- HBK vs. Shane in a Street Fight
- The Cutting Edge with guest Mick Foley
- The Boogeyman vs. Booker T
- Beer Drinking Contest: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. JBL
- Trish & Micki James vs. Victoria & Candice Michelle
- John Cena & Triple H vs. Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, & Rey Mysterio Jr.
All in all – looks like a good show, depending on what they do with the storyline sideshows. HBK/Shane should steal the evening (even with them blowing the Van Terminator spot tonight), while I expect Stone Cold to get the biggest face pop of the night (despite the IWC’s current opinion on him, he’s STILL the top moneymaker of all time, and still the biggest name to every single mark in the audience – bigger than Hogan, bigger than the Rock, bigger than ANYBODY).
At 10:52pm EST, we begin the intros for the final match. At 10:59pm EST (yup – 1 minute before the “official” end of show), we get the actual start of the match for:
Carlito, Chris Master, and HHH vs. The Big Show & Kane (no entrance, gotta pay the bills) and John Cena (w/female pop): I appreciate what they were trying to do with this match, and they succeeded. I am telling you all this now, and I had this pegged months ago: Carlito & Masters will be taking the Tag titles from TBS & Kane at WM — that is your stone cold lock of the year. But they did a great job of building up separate fueds with this match: TBS kept his monster image; Kane, Cena and Masters did most of the work (I know – I’m as shocked as you), and they did enough to tease the “Cena vs. HHH” matchup that it kept the audience popping the entire time. The End Game came when TBS & Kane went for a double-chokeslam on HHH, but Carlito & Masters hit them in the back with chairs. Of course, that had no effect other than to get those 4 out of the picture (back up the ramp), leaving Cena in the ring to challenge HHH. Trip seemed to be ready to meet his challenge, when we go… Randy Orton? Out of the crowd, with the RKO on Cena. In the most surprising move of the night, Trip then *chased* Randy out of the ring, and looked kinda pissed. Randy, as is his wont, just posed in the crowd. We end with Cena writhing in pain, and HHH grinning at his newfound situation..
So – how will the face/heel and Raw/SD dynamic come down at SNME? Guess we’ll find out. See you then, folks.
