Til Wrestlemania
Now though…
Shawn faces Shane?
We’re soaking in it….
Welcome once again to the wrestling report that answers back. It is time for Hatton, and the bots to once again hang on the Satellite of Loathe and get down with…
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight for Rabbleaction is:
Day Of The Tentacle – Dani
Fate of Atlantis – Bill!
Full Throttle – Chris!
Grim Fandango – Hernandez!
Loom – Jenna!
Sam & Max Hit The Road – Michael!
…and your Lucasart’s Host Of Millions – ME, James Hatton
Tonight: Rob Van Dam meeting up with Shelton for the IC Title.
Tonight: The John Cena versus Triple H contract signing
First though – it’s time for:
FOR THE RABBLE
Shane needs to break off and go run TNA. Vince would be dead inside 2 years. I mean
come on! You can SEE it on his face just being involved with this buyrate killing
crap makes him queasy. Did anyone else see how he had to practicly force himself to
punch Shawn at the end of that match?
Damn it! Nobody made a you killed Kenny joke at the Kenny Eugene match? I’m very
disappointed in all of you.
Maria…. I told James this before but he forgot toprint it, so here’s my take on
Maria.
The other Divas? Trish, Candice, Melina, well, my wife and I envision clothes
ripping off, lewd posturing, wet smacking noises… but Maria? Maria is just too
damned cute. We see her and we want to bring her home and braid her hair while we
bake cupcakes for her.
And finally, Trips is visibly seen mouthing No Fucking Way on live national tv.
Frankie laughed when we read the Rabble and saw that she wasn’t the only one to
notice. It almost looked like Trips was breaking character with genuine awe from
seeing something cool. When the marking fan-boy in Trips comes out, everyone wins.
When Steph’s baby comes out with a high forehead and 6 pounds of bling, we’ll all
win even more.
Yeah I know, I ramble.
Until next week I’m a fat angry Canadian lipstick lesbian, and you, thank god, are not.
(Two notes:
One – This was cut down from a full page as Penny was commentating on each segment, and I barely remember what I had for breakfast let alone each segment. This will be worked out throughout the coming weeks
Two – The opinions of Penny are Penny’s alone. Any email you have for her can be sent through me at link at the bottom of this very report!)
Starting the show is Vinnie Mac and Shane with some doctor guy..
“Is that the fifth guy who said ‘don’t use Trident?” – Michael
“He gets around…” – Bill
And as predicted by THE RABBLE the last week – it seems they are going to use Vince’s drug program for this angle. Cute.
So last week Vince and Shane beatdown Shawn. Vince has it documented, that after his match became disoriented. He couldn’t stand up. He was slurring.
“It was like the 80s all over” – Me
“He was speaking in tongues.” – Bill
Shawn Michaels is on drugs!!!
“We call it the Scott Hall Syndrome.” – Hernandez
So tonight – Shawn must be subjected to a public urination test. Shane is concerned that he wants to make sure that Shawn is clean.
“..no… he’s a dirty dirty boy..” – Michael
Shawn has seemingly besmirched the name of the WWE.
“A high bar to reach there…” – Michael
So here comes Shawn.
“With a pitcher of Cranberry juice..” – Me
“Or a condom of urine pinned to his underwear” – Michael
“..hey, it works.” – Me (True story)
Vince wants to know what Shawn’s explaination is going to be. He wonders…
“He wah-wah-wah-wah-wahnders…” – Me
Shane feels that Shawn is nothing but a bad bad bad bad.. junkie.
“We’ll be testing you for.. junk.” – Michael
So now ‘Dr. Feldman’ lets Vince inspect the cup they are going to use. Shane seems to believe that they can’t believe a junkie. The doctor must not only administer the test, but observe the collection in a booth set up in the middle of the ring. So while Shawn is peeing, Vince gives the kids a public safety announcement.
So they drop the booth and Shawn has filled … FILLED that cup with pee.
“That pee has a head on it…” – Michael
“SOOO WARRRM” – Chris
“Whose gonna take money that the cup is going to end up on someone tonight?” – Randy
So they give Shawn the mic to apologize, and he is quoted as saying, “It’s better to be pissed off … than pissed on.”
“It tastes like drugs, he’s guilty!!!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
So in the back Vince and Shane are washing up.
Now though it’s time for breasts. Trish Stratus coming down in a tank top number.. not so bad.
Now coming down is Victoria with Candice – and Candice is so far winning as it’s just see through thingies…. so far.. Candice is winning.
TRISH vs. VICTORIA
I promise – no Victoria is a man jokes here…
So in the match – Trish Thesz presses Victoria, she runs at Victoria and gets dripped to the second rope. A two count pin from Victoria – and now Vic just beating her all around.
“Out of nowhere, Trish with a Canadian Destroyer…” – Bill
Victoria picks up Trish for a spinning sideslam..
“That was almost a swing dancing move” – Michael
“Jump Jive and..” – Hernandez
“Ow.” – Michael
“..then you wail” – Michael
So a throwdown by the hair from Victoria, and a backslam using her hair. Goes for it again, but Trish backflips over Victoria and gets tossed out. Vickie brings her in for a two count. V picks up Trish now – spins her around, but Trish turns it into a tiltawhirl headscissors. Then the following double clothesline.
“What is that wand for?” – Michael
“She’s wishing for a better career.” – Chris
“And wishing that her five minutes isn’t over.” – Me
So a twisting hea scissors from Trish as they get to their feet.. a spinning exchange back and forth and Trish is about to go for the finisher – but Candice distracts her. Victoria sets up the Widow’s Peak – but in comes Torie – a faceslam to Victoria and Trish hits the big kick (No, it is NOT the chick kick) for three.
WINNER: TRISH STRATUS
And we learn afterwards that the move is called… the nose job… we are all filled with hate.
COMMERCIAL
So during the commercial – Victoria stood in the middle of the ring and screamed.
“STELLA!” – Chris
“I GOT THE MIC WORKING!” – Hernandez
So coming down to the ring is… Cowboy Troy? From some thingie that’s on USA… and they are going to let him talk on the mic.
So now it’s time for a smearjob commercial for Mick Foley, which once again proves the power of the WWE’s video package team.
Now it’s time for Edge. Wearing a zebra corsetty bra thingy… Lita.
“Who has been rading Brutus Beefcake’s waredrobe.” – Hernandez
In the ring already. Golddust.
“Just squatting there since the beginning.” – Michael
“..of the show” – Me
EDGE vs. GOLDDUST
Former World Champ in the ring….
Edge pushes Dust to the corner – a few punches and slaps – and as Edge is mocking Golddust he gets a good slap to the face – but Edge goes after him with a vengence with big big slap and a big boot. Edge fists him to the corner… so to speak.
Golddust crawls up and punches Edge in the gut followed by a powerslam out of nowhere.
SIGN JUST NOTICED: Cowboy Troy Sucks!
They fight to their feet, and Golddust gets ahead with a few hits – drops to his back for the slap. A reverse atomic drop and a clothesline drops Edge. Brings Edge to the corner and the top buckle ten fists. Sets him up for the shattered dreams.
“Which is much better than Golden Globes.” – Hernandez
“After this he’ll be the Rated PG-13 Superstar” – Michael
Golddust goes after Lita as she gets on the turnbuckle… Edge hits the spear.
“HE CAN HI THAT FROM ANYWHERE!” – Bill
WINNER: Edge
So Edge mocks Cowboy Kurtis.. and then rolls his OWN movie trailer promotion. Again, pretty damn funny.
“The most watched champion of the last five years..” – His trailer
COMMERCIAL
So Roddy Piper is our Wrestlemania Moment with the late Morton Downey Jr.
Sweet. Wrestlemania V. I had a ‘Wrestlemania Birthday Party’ that year.
….ok so I’ve been at this awhile…
In the back – HELLO! Maria is doing chest presses using the Boflex Extreme II
“CHACHING” – Bill
“That’s 150,000 for people playing the GM Mode” – Chris
So Trish … ok…. Maria wins. Maria just wins. Fucking Game Over.
WINNER OF THE LECH AWARD FOR THE REST OF MY GOD GIVEN LIFE: MARIA
Trish finds Torie laid out with a Playboy on her chest.
“A CLUE!” – Bill
“Torie’s a lesbian!” – Michael
“She died masterbating!” – Hernandez
“Just like Michael Hutchens” – Michael
So now we learn that Sherie is being inducted by Ted DiBiase (nice!)
So who else is being inducted this year? Verne Gagne!
Jerry makes a point to mention he was the last AWA World Champion.
“Shut up King, how come you never talk about wrestling the silly comedian in his underwear?” – Michael
COMMERCIAL
After the contract signing – Shawn in a Texas Tornado Steel Cage match! Sweet!
Now though… Coach introduces the challenger…
“Tony Blair!” – Michael
It’s all about the … oh you know what it’s all about….
“You know Lemmy should wear chops lik… nevermind.” – Michael
Now though, the champ is heeeah….
They sit across from each other and Coach wants to know if either has a question. Nobody answers, so Coach asks Trips to sign. Trips grabs the mic.
“That’s a mic, not a pen” – Bill
Trips wants to know if anyone saw Raw last week. He wants to know if anyone saw Cena do the F-U to Big Show. Doing that would kill a normal man, but not John Cena.
“John Cena is ten ninjas” – Bill
“He is wearing a truss, though.” – Michael
Trips explains that no matter how amazing it was, it just doesn’t matter. Wrestlemania is a formality.
“It’s now just a Countdown to Pedigree” – Bill
So Trips signs. Cena takes it. Signs it. Slaps it down. Trips grabs the mic again… ‘and just like that, it was over. This is the point in time where…’
“Greedo pulls the gun out” – Michael
‘…I know it’s signed, I get up and I grab a sledgehammer and pummel your brains in. I don’t need to do that with you John. You are already at a supreme disadvantage.’ – Triple H
Cena grabs the mic and laughs. Because if Triple H was to do that, Cena would take that hammer and stick it up Hunter’s ass.
Wait… hold on…. here comes the Big Show and Kane…. and Triple flips the table for the sledgehammer. Cena tells him to bring it. Big Show and Kane get into the ring and Carlito and Masters stop them as they are crawling in. It’s clustertime… but we’re stopped by Vince telling us that they will have a six-man tag match tonight.
In the ring though, Cena and Triple are still facing off as we fade to commercial.
COMMERCIAL
Shawn’s new shirt.. is HBK surrounded by a crown of thorns.
“So it’s either really religious – or really hardcore!” – Me
“How come he never turns the other cheek” – Michael
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. THE S.S.
TRAMPOPOLINE IN A CAGE!
Now though – it’s time for THE SPIRIT SQUAD! They do a human pyramid to get in… then as Shawn leaps after the first to hit the top – they each hit a different wall to climb. NEAT!
Shawn though flying leaps onto whomever hits the ring first. Then all four grab and gangrape him in the ring. Four corners they grab him – heave Shawn up.. and drop him down.
“The SS… and Vince’s new team… the Luftwaffe” – Bill
“And all the black wrestlers are under the Tuskeegee Development COntracts?” – Hernandez
So three of the SS make a pyramid, the fourth leaps off them to clothesline Shawn. It’s all SS pummeling now. Another human pyramid – but Shawn moves and hits face to turnbuckle and Shawn breaks the pyramid. He hits the crossbody on one of em…. and Kenny goes for the big leg drop, but Shawn rolls out of the way! Now Shawn goes and starts clearing house on each of the SS.
He goes to climb up the cage. Hits the elbow on SS #3. Now he tunes up the band.
J E S U — tosses one into the cage… tosses TWO into the cage.. a 3rd! And Shawn goes for the door.
The Spirit guy on the outside slams the door, but Shawn catches it – takes a step in – Superkicks a Spirit Squader – steps out to leave and WHAM Shane hits him straight in the spine with the chair and he’s out….
Shane drags Shawn in and throws one of the SS on him for the three count.
WINNER: SPIRIT SQUAD!
So after this is done Shane tosses Shawn into the cage. Opening him up wide. Has the cage lifted up, and sets a garbage can on the red faced Shawn Michaels.
Shane goes for the top turnbuckle. HE LEAPS. HE DROPKICKS… HE HIT IT!!!!
“..but he hurt himself pretty bad…” – Me
No actually he didn’t – he shakes off whatever hurt and he yells at Shawn some more.
COMMERCIAL
In the back Trish discusses that Torie was stricken with a concussion…
“She’s got Krispy Kreme tits..” – Bill
…so she won’t be able to fight on Saturday.
And here comes Mickey James wanting to be her partner in Torie’s stead.
“I bet… SHE did it! GASP!” – Michael
So Dani comes in.. and no shit.. a Stone Cold video package. Since he will be in a … drinking contest with JBL!? Oh for whatever…
In the back Shane is standing with blood on his shirt. Vince is loving it.
“Piss, blood, what other liquids are they going to get on them tonight?” – Hernandez
And who is going to commentate on the match. A former member of the Vince Kiss MY Ass Club.
“STEPHEN REGAL!!!!??” – Me
J.R.
“Oh.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Ric Flair is joining us in the commentating booth for the RVD/Shelton.
AIN’T NO STOPPING HIM NOW! Hey – it’s Shelty.
“The Injured-Continental Champion?” – Michael
So Mama isn’t here, and Shelty blames Flair. He’s going to beat the hell out of anyone…
“Anyone? The match is signed?!” – Hernandez
And hey – RVD comes on down…
“..well ladies and gentlemen – there’s the whole damn show..” – Bill
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. RVD
Oooo match of the night
They fight to the corner then press out. Then they lock up and a hammer lock takedown from Shelty. RVD then does the same with Shelty. Shelton slams down RVD, and throws him to the corner. RVD leaps to the top rope, and Shelty runs in and a top turnbuckle powerslam! OUCH!
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring, Shelty has RVD in a sidearm lock of somesort. RVD fights out of it. Shelty slams RVD down though. Benj grabs RVD’s hair and a couple stiff punches to RVD’s head. Shelt tosses RVD to the ropes – he grabs the ropes, and Shelt misses his dropkick….
RVD tosses Shelt to the corner – running heel kick – rolling thunder – 2 count!
RVD goes and hits the monkeyflip – and then a big kick to Shelty’s gut as he lands on his feet. Shelton climbs to the out of the apron – top turnbuckle – kick to his face. To the apron he goes.
In the ring RVD is talking to the ref, Shelton grabs the belt – IN RUNS RIC FLAIR! Ric goes and grabs the belt away from Shelton in time for RVD to run and leap… SHELTON DUCKS!
Ric gets hit and RVD gets rolled up with a handful of tights.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
COMMERCIAL
Hey – Carlito’s here! And he got a haircut.
And now Bill clears his throat….
“I’m so glad I came home just in time for this…” – Dani
“POWWDERRRED TOOASST MAAAAAAAN” – Bill
“He lost definition.” – Hernandez
“They airbrushed” – Bill
And of course – Time To Do The Thing….HooHahooooohahaohooo…
COMMERCIAL
Show starts with Carlito – and that sounds like a bad idea… but really I don’t know who starting with Big Show would have been a good idea. Big chop spot from Show, and Kane gets in on the action and the clotheslines go corner to corner. Sideslam and he tosses out Kane. A tag to Triple H.
A tag to Cena.
Oh.
Long tease pause – and then H blindtags Carlito in again. CLothesline Clothesline and three miles of air on a back body drop – a belly to belly to Masters.
A club to the back of Cena’s head, and Carlito gets a ddt and tags in Masters. Now Masters is keeping Cena in the corner – standing vertical suplex…. drags him into the corner. Tag to Carlito and an elbow to the back of his head… Cena now fights to his feet. Carlito hits his rock bottom – and a two count.
He sends Cena to the corner. Another corner, but Cena leaps out of the way. Tags Show! Big powerslam from Show! Two count gets stopped by Masters and in runs Kane to stop him! Now in runs Triple H for a full press slam – Ouch!
In run Carlito and Masters with chairs for the DQ ending.
The Show/Kane Connection bail with Masters/Carlito – leaving Cena in the ring.. and Triple H right outside the ring.
Cena raises the roof.
“I FEEL THE POWER OF THE WARRRIORRSSSS” – Me
This is our nose to nose shot.. in three… two…. ORTON! ORTON! ORTON! RKO drops Cena and Hunter is left in the ring with a knocked unconscious Cena.. grinning.
Hmm.. interesting ending.
What did the Rabble thing?
“shrug” – Chris
“I’m watching Law & Order” – Bill
*I hit mute*
“It was alright.” – Bill
“It’s nice to see the Spirit Squad do something.” – Michael
“My ice cream was really yummy” – Dani
“shrug..to be continued for Saturday Night Main Event” – Hernandez
So where the Rabble seems kind of tepid – but it wasn’t that bad of a show honestly. Some good some bad. So that’s that. Hope you all enjoyed.
