Welcome to A.M. Raw! You know you have made it as a wrestler when the WWE is willing to take clips of you from their flagship show and replay them when a tenth of the audience is watching!
We start with the WWE programming video package. Triple H is the last image shown, just like at the end of the WrestleMania 22 commercials and the WWE 24/7 commercials. He is everywhere you want to be, making sure you know that he is better than you in every way. He is Wrestling Jesus.
We are not as live as we were on Monday from Birmingham, AL!
We start of with more McMahons than you can count. Well, actually, it’s two, of the Vince and Shane variety. They are accompanied by many an out of work indy wrestler dressed as security guards. Glad to see there is a spot for all of that TNA talent if the company ever folds. Vince is here to discuss the Oscars, of all things. The crowd seems fairly indifferent to the whole situation at the moment. Wait a minute, there goes the “You Suck” chant for Vince. Vince comments back, “I’d like to remind you that we’re in the Bible Belt. Thank you.” Vince thinks the Oscars are just a lot of ass kissing, and that they could never compare to what happened last week, what with Marty and Shawn and the kissing and the thong and such. He goes into an acceptance speech, though it is never clear what he is accepting. Hopefully it is applications for writers. They even have the generic Oscar music humming along in the background. He thanks Shawn for the thrill of kissing his ass. He thanks the Spirit Squad for giving him a cheer that inspired him to drop his pants. Do they have to be there when he and Linda are “intimate”? He thanks Chris Masters for his “breathtaking” Masterlock on Marty Jannetty, and rewards the oaf and Carlito with a tag team title match against Red and Slow at WM. He thanks Jannetty for sticking to his convictions, going so far as to call it a courageous act. Then Vince says Marty-boy will never step foot in a WWE ring again. Does that mean he is bringing back WCW?! Probably not. The crowd boos a bit so Vince makes false promises, telling the audience, “This will get better.” Not too likely. Finally, Vince wraps up by thanking Shane with a homoerotic “Crash” reference, what with Shawn’s face crashing into Vince’s ass. “I love you, son.” How touching. Jesus, this will not end. Vince then unveils the Muscle & Fitness cover which he graces, complete with pyro! Sadly, he does not ask the pyro what its real name is. Vince quips, “Not only do I have a magnificent ass, but a magnificent physique to match.” So Shawn’s music hits, security runs up the ramp, Shawn attacks from the crowd (couldn’t they, just once, have security line the barriers, knowing everyone ALWAYS attacks from the crowd), Vince makes a Shane verses Shawn match tonight (well, Monday night). Vince is pissed. Shane is pissed. Shawn is pissed. The audience is a little “meh” about the whole think.
We have WrestleMania Rewind this week, as John “YJ Stinger” Cena will face Big Show in a WrestleMania XX rematch (where it all began…again). Also, We get Kane verses Triple H, from Mania XV (the Ragin’ Climax or some such nonsense that Vince Russo cooked up while planning to let the Undertaker hang the Bossman).
Commercials appear, as we learn that evil Starbursts and the Sopranos rule. Truth commercials, not so much.
Only 22 measly days until WrestleMania. Didn’t you just crap yourself a little bit from the excitement?!
We are back with Shawn Michaels, who is about to be interviewed by Todd Grisham, who is told by Shawn No, No I will not answer your questions. Stephanie McMahon interrupts. Damn she is pregnant! How far along is she, anyway? Steph wants to talk, but Shawn doesn’t want to listen. Isn’t that just like a man? Steph says she is pregnant (Really, you are kidding? No way can you tell.) and that this has made her a changed woman. The Jesus in Shawn forces him to listen as she apologizes for her family’s actions. Did she call Bret Hart up to do the same? She then holds her stomach and asks Shawn to get her some water. It was a ruse! She drugs Shawn’s water! Shawn comes back and Stephanie waddles off, telling Shawn the baby was thirsty. Ok then. Shawn takes a swig of the drugged up water, which I am sure will lead to hilarity in the near future.
Hellfire and Brimstone and the like, as the Devil Dentist himself, Kane, heads to the ring. He even has is WWE replica belt for some title they used to have on the show. Triple H is already in the ring, because they can’t have ten minutes of an hour long show taken up by an intro. Trip gouges Kane’s eyes to start in his continued effort to become Ric Flair without the domestic violence accusations. Kane tosses Mr. Stephanie into a corner, then runs into him with a big red elbow. Kane tosses him to the opposite corner and lands a running clothesline, but Trip comes back with a high knee lift. Kane then proceeds to hit a back body drop. Seriously, couldn’t Kane have been an evil dentist in his movie? Kane goes up top but misses whatever the hell he was planning to do, but is able to reverse a suplex by Trip into one of his own. Kane gets a couple of rights on the mug of the Game, but telegraphs the Irish whip and eats the set-up knee. I now know why I don’t remember this match from WM XV. Triple H goes for the Pedigree but has it reversed. I miss fat ass Triple H from 2003-04. My best friend called me one time when he was fighting Shawn Michaels on Raw and asked, “Who the hell is the fat ass fighting Michaels?” I had to explain that it was Mr. HHH, and he couldn’t believe it. Double Stuffed HHH rocked the party that rocked your body. Plus, he could out eat Viscera on a good day.
Anyway, Kane hits a sidewalk slam. He goes for the choke slam, but Masters runs out and is on the apron. Shenanigans! Trip clotheslines Kane out of the ring, where Carlito has appeared and spits the deadly apple chunks into Kane’s eyes! The monster now knows fear! On a side note, Fat Trip would never spit food out. That would be wasteful. Kane back in to take a Pedigree. You know the drill.
Commercial time! Cowboy Troy has a dream. That dream has nothing to do with Grammies or musical accomplishments. No, that dream is to appear live on Raw next Monday! See, dreams do come true. Didn’t this country stuff end with the death of TNN? I thought this was USA?
We are back with Shane in the ring. And here comes the Heartbreak Kid himself. Since Macho Man probably won’t do it, they should have Shawn induct Sensational Sherri into the Hall of Fame, then have him use the original Sherri version of “Sexy Boy” for his match with Vince at WM. Then she can run down and hit Vince with her shoe. That would be fun. Shawn starts out by punching Shane in the head, then stomping on him for good measure. Shane books it out of the ring, with Shawn in hot pursuit. Uh oh, the drugs are kicking in. Back in the ring, Shane is just punching a defenseless Michaels in the face. Damn that jezebel Stephanie! Lawler points out that there is indeed something wrong with Shawn, but Coach hits the line of the night with, “Shane-O-Mac is what’s wrong with Shawn!” Shawn fights back a bit, hits a couple of chops. Shawn falls down again and tries to do his jump up, but just doesn’t have the mustard. We get the Shane dance, complete with trash talking. “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE MESSING WITH? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” Oh Shane, you are a hilarious one.
So Shane wins. Shawn’s eyes are glassy, which probably means Hall and Nash are in the back, enjoying there favorite pastime with some of their old buddies. Wellness policy be damned! Vince gets in the ring and orders a second match, right now, between Shawn and himself. Lillian tries the “I’m confused” voice when she announces the match. I miss the Fink. Vince pins Shawn, after which the Spirit Squad runs down and lifts both McMahons up on their shoulders. WWE stockholders everywhere shed a silent tear.
Edge and Lita are headed to the ring next. Lita will be in action against Maria, which sends Jerry Lawler from poor man’s J.R. mode into lecherous old man mode. He demands to know, “What kind of action? WHAT KIND OF ACTION?”
More commercials. Who the hell gave Larry the Cable Guy a movie? When did this become a good idea? What, did Carrot Top not have time in his schedule for another leading role?
WWE Rewind time. Edge spears Lita and Maria gets the pin. This was back when Edge was, you know, relevant. Here comes Edge and Trampy. Wait, Lita has here own music? Really? Maria is in the ring already, so let the festivities begin. What is the over/under on the number of matches before Lita breaks her neck again? Talking to start, as Maria does not want to touch something that might give her the Super Clap. Lita doesn’t give her an option, as she pushes Maria down. The crowd gets an “Edge Sucks” chant going, which is never good for a person’s self-esteem. Lita strangles Maria on the bottom rope. Maria is still hotter. Edge makes faces at Maria as she struggles, which is good for a chuckle. Lita with the suplex, yet Maria is still hotter. Lita goes to get some tongue action from Edge, which gives Maria the chance at a roll up for two. Lita is a little peeved and takes out her frustrations on Maria’s back and face. Maria, however is still hotter. Lita grabs hair and tosses Maria across the ring. Coach chimes in, “Anybody at any age has never looked better than Mr. McMahon does.” Wow. Just, wow. So Lita wins. Edge is in the ring to set up a spear, but here comes Mick Foley! Foley gets a few punches in on Edge until Lita distracts him and Edge hits the spear. Edge grabs a chair and gives Foley a whack. Does Mick miss these chair shots when he is away for an extended period of time? We get a Cena chant from the ladies in the crowd. LL Cool C. Edge hits the one man conchairto to Foley’s head. He then accepts Mick’s WM challenge. Maria is still hotter than Lita.
Big Show is headed to the ring, holding another replica belt. He must have borrowed it from Kane. Weren’t they tag champs once?
Here comes the WrestleMania video package. Triple H says the King of Kings will retake his throne. Hear that Shawn Michaels? JC in the house at WM 22!
We are back from a break and Big Show is in the ring. Here comes the champ! Okay, I have to admit, John Cena does have a kick ass entrance. Consider me one of the unwashed masses, I guess. Cena is cheered on by the crowd…kinda. Lawler calls it a “deafening ovation.” Lawler must have very sensitive ears. The announcers talk about the pressure on Cena to keep up with Triple H. What pressure is this? Does Vince have another daughter that Cena can knock up as well?
So part of the match is skipped due to time constraints (or boredom, whatever) and we start with Big Show dominating Cena. Somehow, this is not a shocking turn of events. Here comes the usual Cena punching comeback, which is quickly squashed when Cena flies off the ropes and into a sidewalk slam by Show. Joey Styles even points out that the entire match has pretty much been all Big Show. How can a wrestler need Show to carry them in a match? Show locks in a bear hug, which Cena escapes by boxing Show’s ears. Cena once again is off the ropes and once again eats Shows offense, this time in the form of an elbow. Show runs (using the term loosely) toward Cena, but Cena ducks and Show flies over the ropes. Triple H is out with his old friend the sledgehammer. They should have a Rocky III montage with Triple H and his sledgehammer. They could jog on the beach and start hugging each other in a way that makes much of the audience uncomfortable.
Back from a commercial. Cena tries some offense off the second rope but is ONCE AGAIN caught by Show and thrown to the ground. Triple H is smiling, probably because he is stroking his hammer. Carlito and Masters try another run-in, but Kane is there to put an end to that nonsense. For some unknown reason Show gets up on the turnbuckle to try a high flying assault, which Cena turns into a suplex from the second turnbuckle. Show gets up and hits a big boot. He signals for the choke slam, but Cena reverses it into an ugly DDT. Cena goes all Ultimate Warrior with the shoulderblocks, and thenn hits the FU for the win. The crowd is kind of blah about the whole thing. Cena holds up the belt, points at Triple H, and points at the sign for the event where Trip will make Cena his bitch.
So it was kind of a whatever show this week as they kill time until Saturday Night’s Main Event. At least they are going to use the tag titles. That’s all for this week!
