I went to college in the city of Waterbury. I lived in a dorm on the hill with my white friends, drank Ice House or grain alcohol with Kool-Aid, and smoked tons of weed. Life was good. In the spring of my freshman year, I awoke from a long slumber to discover that I was not familiar with the man that was standing in the mirror. He had sideburns and a goatee and his red hair was long and shaggy. There were CDs for the Cardigans and 311 next to my stereo. You could tell that I still hadn’t had sex, as there was an unopened box of Trojan Magnums on the dresser.
They couldn’t have been my roommate’s: he was Japanese. They must have been a gift from a member of the basketball team.
I realized when I looked at the pile of mail that I had slipped onto my desk that this Shawn M. Smith wasn’t going to classes. There was a stack of “dropped” notices, meaning I was in serious danger of not keeping my financial aid. I looked down at my class schedule and realized that I still was enrolled in Biology 102. The reason was simple: I could sleep through class AND lab and the teacher wouldn’t have the balls to flunk me.
There was another reason as well: my lab partner was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. She had jet-black hair and olive skin, and her eyes were deep pools of blue. Yes, Lisa Rinaldi was my first “unobtainable” college crush. She was a year older than me, a commuter, and the rumor was that she was always on the outs with her long-term boyfriend.
I thought a lot about asking her out, but I was broke, had no car, and, frankly, since soccer season had ended, I had eaten myself into a bit of a “chubby phase.” I didn’t think she was easy, but there was no way she could resist my charms. Fuck, I was Ssquared!
So, the year came and went without me having the courage to do a thing about it. I decided that once I lost the weight (over the summer) I would have a better shot in the fall.
All during the summer break, I ran and trained constantly. I was the starting goalkeeper at my school, so I knew that if I could impress her; she would be mine. I worked at the Agway, and other than growing my hair, I thought only about her. One night, lost in a daydream, I even forgot to lock the front door of the store. When I came to work the next morning, it was hard to explain to my boss why the door wasn’t secured, but the alarm was set.
Lisa looked a lot like a contemporary version of Liesl von Trapp, only hotter. She had a similar nose and always smelled of Japanese flowers or some other scent. It was light and flowery, and I loved it.
When my class schedule arrived to my home that summer, I couldn’t help but fantasize about the classes we would have together. Would we sit next to each other in Philosophy again? Would she stop me in the middle of campus and ask me if I planned on “showing up” to class? The energy I felt in those moments was strong. We had something. I just knew it.
The fall of my sophomore year, I was given a gift that would change my life, My Own Prison, everything changed. I began to “cry out to God seeking only his decision” while I “created my own prison.” Scott Stapp was speaking to me; I needed to fix my life and become the student I knew I could be. Frankly, I was ruining my chances for success. I could break out of the cages I was making for myself, God willing.
I would no longer go to class in hopes of seeing Lisa. I went to learn. I took notes. I no longer cared what she was wearing that day, or if she and “Tommy,” the name I made up for this “boyfriend,” were still together. Lisa came second…to classwork.
Nearing the end of my sophomore year, we held a Philosophy study session in my friend Kate’s room. It was informal, and it was another chance for me to be around my dream girl. How could I have given up what I knew to be a certainty: she and I were meant to be together! Most of our class was there already as I arrived, all except Lisa. Tom, the captain of the baseball team, said that he had seen her on campus and that she was coming. Before the excitement got the better of me, I excused myself to have a quick smoke, convinced that not another minute would go by without her knowing how I felt. I wasn’t going to be a pussy anymore.
I pushed the front door to the dorm open and lit up my cancer stick. A dangerous, smoky cloud drifted into my lungs. It made me think of steak. Steak made me think of dates, dates made me think of only her. She had brushed my hand one time in class with her breast. Everyone I told said it was an accident, but I saw the look on her face. It said “hey, Shawn, I need you on me.” Trust me, I was there.
Delicious as the cigarette was, I couldn’t help but notice the silhouette of two lovers sharing a tender moment against the side of the building. I whistled and yelled rude remarks at them, and their embrace was broken. They had been caught. I chuckled, as I f*cked up their night, and I was proud.
The two parted and they started to walk towards me, as they were coming into the very dorm I was standing in front of. “Yes,” I thought, “I get to see who the horny, PDA kissers are! I can make more lewd remarks. I rule!”
A wall of aromas danced in my nose, there was something familiar in the air. The scent of Freesia lingered in my nose for a second. Almost as quickly as it all began, I saw a face and look:
Lisa was kissing another woman against the wall. Lisa was a lesbian. There was no Tommy. When I mentioned “hanging out,” the story she gave me about his disapproval was fabricated.
She was standing in front of me, holding hands with the most hardcore of dykes on our campus, the basketball AND softball star, Marissa. Granted, she had delicious jugs, but she only liked slamming clam. Now, she had stolen the girl I wanted more than any other: my Liesl.
I was crushed. I ran back to my dorm and cried for days. I didn’t shower or eat. I chain smoked and wanked in a never-ending cycle of loathing and self-pity. I hated my life. The end of the semester came, and I went home to Ballston Spa a shell of the man I thought I was.
That summer, I finally had sex. She was fat and gross and had commitment issues. I paid for it, and I cried when it was over.
Creed ruined my life.
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Fernandez was here last week. That means this is my week to remind you why Inside Pulse’s Music Section rules.
.:.Columns from the Week that Was!.:.
Monday: Humpty Humping
Monday: Podcasting
Tuesday: The Death of Soul?
Wednesday: The New Classics
Thursday: TV Mathan
Friday: Missin’ the Bootleg
Saturday: The Weekly Music Pulse: Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say!
Which is what you are reading now, right? Hopefully, you are all doing well in your NCAA tournament brackets, but if you aren’t, who cares? You probably forgot to check this site for up-to-the-minute, in depth analysis of each of the 65 teams in the tournament. Seriously, you’ll think to check them next year, won’t you?
brought to you by Brooklyn Industries
5 Million, It Was Really Nothing!
Even if you have $5 million to spare, Morrissey and the Smiths refuse to take the stage together.
During a public interview at South by Southwest on Thursday (March 16), Morrissey told the room full of reporters that the Smiths turned down an offer of $5 million to reunite for this year’s Coachella festival in April, according to Billboard.com.
“Money doesn’t come into it,” Morrissey said. “It was a fantastic journey. And then it ended. I didn’t feel we should have ended. I wanted to continue. [Guitarist Johnny Marr] wanted to end it. And that was that.”
Morrissey further shocked the crowd by announcing he’s actually noticed some sunny spots in his otherwise melancholy world. The singer said there will be some bright spots on his new album, Ringleader of the Tormentors, which will be released on April 4.
“I’m just seeing lots of joyful things in life, which I didn’t in the past,” he said. “Which maybe you noticed.”
(credit: Spin.com)
Mark Spitz, of Spin Magazine, wrote a fantastic novel, How Soon is Never? about a burnt out journalist trying to reunite the Smiths. I won’t ruin the book for those that haven’t read it, but if you really want to read a (fictional) weaves its’ way through the Smiths tangled and bruised relationships, this would be the one.
There were lawsuits by members of the band against each other that were settled out of court and in court. Painful barbs have been tossed around, but one thing is certain, this reunion will happen eventually.
My fingers remain crossed.
.:.Jack Black Ties the Knot.:.
Comedic genius Jack Black recently eloped with animator and musician Tanya Haden in an intimate ceremony in Big Sur, California. The two met in high school, but did not begin dating until last spring. Black’s newest film, Nacho Libre, is scheduled to open in June, and a film centered around his comedic acoustic duo Tenacious D, Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny, is slated for release later this year. Contrary to what has been reported Nacho Libre is not a fictional story about Jeffrey R. Fernandez, and how he always seems to “spill liquefied cheese on his computer,” thus losing his entire column, mere minutes before it is due to be posted here on Inside Pulse.
Too bad.
.:.Ice Cube Channels Kotter.:.
Veteran rapper turned actor Ice Cube is set to star in and produce a big-screen adaptation of the classic Seventies TV series, Welcome Back, Kotter. Cube, executive producer of the FX reality series Black and White, will play Mr. Kotter, a teacher who returns to his inner-city neighborhood to face a group of underprivileged troublemakers reminiscent of his younger self. Final negotiations are underway with IP’s own Matthew Michaels to play Horshack.
Children of Bodom – Are You Dead Yet?
We Are Scientists – With Love and Squalor
Paul Wall – The People’s Champ
Imogen Heap – Speak For Yourself
The Fully Down – Don’t Get Lost in a Movement
The Perishers – Let There Be Morning
The Sounds –Dying To Say This To You
Peppers Reveal Secrets of “Stadium”
When the Red Hot Chili Peppers convened in September 2004 to begin work on their new album, Stadium Arcadium, the idea was “to make an old-fashioned Meet the Beatles-like record,” says singer Anthony Kiedis. “We set out to write thirteen songs, make them good and record them — to have a small, digestible piece of art where people could go, ‘Yeah, that’s a nice, rocking jam.'” Kiedis pauses. “It went haywire from there.”
Kiedis, bassist Flea, guitarist John Frusciante and drummer Chad Smith actually wrote thirty-eight new songs and recorded them all with producer Rick Rubin in the same house, in the Hollywood Hills, where they cut 1991’s Blood Sugar Sex Magik. The Chili Peppers were so fired up they wanted to put out the whole racket as a trilogy — three separate discs, issued in installments. In the end, Stadium Arcadium, coming out May 9th on Warner Bros., will be an album of more common sense and size: a double CD of twenty-five tracks.
Stadium Arcadium also reprises the hard-pop and ballad strengths of the Chili Peppers’ 1999 and 2002 albums Californication and By the Way, in songs like “Dani California” and “Slow Cheetah,” the latter built on a bed of acoustic strum and laced with Frusciante’s singing-wire electric guitar. “John is the movement in the music,” says Smith. “Something new gets introduced in every chorus or verse, whether it’s a backing vocal or a guitar part.”
Mark Neeley is credited as a contributor during some sessions. So is Jesus. You decide whether this is all a lie.
(credit: Rolling Stone.com)
If the RIAA is thinking of a convincing way to deter illegal downloading, they should make this video appear every time someone tries to burn a copy of any album: Don’t Copy That Floppy!
Yikes. That song has just made me sterile.
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.:.Motley, Metallica Men Form Supernova.:.
Supernova, the new rock supergroup featuring Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted and former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke, will select a lead singer through the second season of CBS’ reality series, Rock Star, premiering this summer. Once a frontman is chosen, the band will head into the studio to record an album with producer Butch Walker slated for fall release. A Supernova world tour will follow in early 2007. Last season the show, hosted by guitarist Dave Navarro and actress Brooke Burns, crowned JD Fortune as the new frontman for INXS. The band has since recorded the album Switch and toured continually in support.
Two weeks ago, I brought news of another Supergroup that is being put together for a VH1 program. This one is actually going to be good. Fuck anyone who sent me email telling me that I was wrong for thinking Ted Nugent, Sebastian Bach, Scott Ian, Evan Seinfeld, and Jason Bonham were a group “destined to suck.” Having now seen this lineup, I challenge you to tell me that I was wrong.
.:.Master P Escapes With Community Service.:.
Facing up to three years in prison if convicted, Dancing with the Stars Master P and his brother Silkk the Shocker plead no contest on Monday to gun charges stemming from a 2005 arrest in Los Angeles. Master P (born Percy Miller) pleaded no contest to the misdemeanor charge for carrying a loaded and unregistered firearm, while Silkk (born Vyshonn Miller) entered a plea of no contest to the felony charge for carrying an unregistered gun. Both were fined $700 and given forty hours of community service, and Silkk was also given three years of probation.
If Silkk or Master P had plead not guilty, Mike Eagle and Aaron Cameron were going to “beat dey asses.” Not my words.
.:.Jessica Simpson Disses Bush.:.
Pop singer and actress Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet with President Bush and congressional leaders at a fundraiser for the National Republican Congressional Committee, stunning members of the party. Sources close to Simpson — who was visiting Washington, D.C., to lobby on behalf of Operation Smile, a non-profit that offers free facial surgery for disadvantaged children overseas — said she declined because Operation Smile is a non-partisan initiative. NRCC spokesman Carl Forti told Reuters that Simpson, a Texas native like the president, initially accepted the invitation only to decline one day later. He added, “It’s never been a problem for Bono.”
.:.Weezer Man to Marry.:.
Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo, currently completing his last undergraduate semester at Harvard, is engaged to Kyoko Ito, who he met after a 1997 performance at Cambridge, Massachusetts, venue the Middle East. The two plan to wed this summer after Cuomo receives his eleven-years-in-the-making Harvard degree, falling one semester short of the record for semesters at an Ivy League school, set by this guy.
(credits: RollingStone.com)
Kevin Federline, folks. The greatest freeloader EVER! Look at how much that guy loves his own rhythms. I am sure he has no idea what PopoZao means, but if he can pretend he’s black, he probably has a friend somewhere who tried to explain it.
Shit head.
See you guys in two weeks for the next SITASS. Until then, keep it real!
Ssquared
