Welcome to this week’s edition of AM Raw! Just what you want in to morning to start your day off right! What, there wasn’t any porn on hand?
We start with the generic WWE intro, which makes me miss the good old days. You know, when there was a title change every twenty minutes, crucifixions, and 100-year-old women flashing the audience. It was a simpler time.
There must not be too much going on this week, as we actually get the Raw intro. What the hell is Snitsky doing in there? Is he still on the roster? Does he carry around an aborted fetus?
We are taped from, well, they don’t say actually. Today I am sure they are doing a house show where Maria pins Edge after she is trained by Cena.
We start the show with, what else, Vince and Shane McMahon in the ring. They are accompanied by security and what looks like a doctor. Vince begins the festivities by bragging about how Shane whooped up on Shawn Michaels last week and then pinned him in the middle of the ring, and how Vince himself got the pin fall immediately after that. Vince explains, “There is no excuse whatsoever for Shawn Michaels’ actions and activities following the match.” Shawn must have been trying to convert people in the back again. Either that or dry humping Stephanie’s leg. Vince proclaims, “Shawn Michaels is on drugs!” Glad to see that drug policy is being used for the betterment of the company. Vince demands Shawn take a public urination test, which I understand to mean you get to pee on a multiple choice exam. I have been wrong before. Shane finally gets to say something, and wonders aloud if Shawn is clean. Lawler quips, “Ask your sister?” Oooh, burn! Vince says that Michaels has besmirched the WWE’s reputation. I always felt the same way about Duke “The Dumpster” Drosey. Shawn comes on down, and my girlfriend points out that he looks like a young Michael Bolton. Shane calls Shawn a liar, a hypocrite, and a disgusting junkie. That will teach them to bring Marty Jannetty back for special appearances. That one is nothing but trouble. Wait, how long do Stephanie’s drugs stay in the system? What did she give him? Vince asks to inspect the cup before the test. It looks like one of those old 32 ounce AM PM cups. Dr. Feldman is actually going to observe the test, making Kanyon just as jealous as can be. See, wrestling is not gay; it is comfortable with its sexuality. Vince has a public service announcement for the kids, “If you’re a user, you’re a loser. Don’t wind up like Shawn Michaels. Don’t do drugs.” Vince says we have all night for this test, and then says we do not have all night and Shawn should hurry up. Which is it?! Shane says, “Just say No. A lot of good messages here guys.” Oh Shane, once again, you are hilarious. Jesus, that is a LOT of urine. He must have held it since last Monday. So Shawn takes the obvious route and tosses about half a gallon of urine into the McMahons’ faces. Vince over sells it. Uh oh Shawn, now urine trouble. Ha ha.
If they really wanted to make this drug policy seem legitimate to the outside world, they should rehire Hall and Juvy. They could have them in a program together for a month or so, and then toss them out using the drug test and use that has their shining example. If they need more people, they can always dig up Miss Elizabeth.
Ok, that was uncalled for. I apologize. I hope Macho Man doesn’t somehow see this and decide to cut a mad flow against me. I don’t want to get served up by his rap game skills.
We hit a commercial break with a spot for “Inside Man.” Denzel Washington and Clive Owen are awesome. Jodie Foster was Nell. Two out of three isn’t bad.
We are back and Vince and Shane are trying to clean themselves up a bit. Vince is screaming about cages and Texas Tornadoes. What, did the urine melt off part of his foot or something?
Here comes Trish Stratus. Lawler immediately becomes the type of guy that gets put on sex offender lists. Victoria is already in the ring. This is for the Women’s title or something. Trish hits the Lou Thesz Press on Victoria. Candice is at ringside, so you better go buy that Playboy now. Victoria tries to cover Trish over and over again. Doesn’t she know you have to get some offense in first? She needs to bust out a copy of “No Mercy” for the N64. That’ll learn her good. Victoria hits a couple of hair pulls over her back. But Trish reverses the second on into a scissors kick. Victoria tosses Trish out of the ring, then back in, then gets a two count. An exciting series there. Victoria has Trish up in a “fireperson’s” carry (thanks to Joey Styles for that term), but Trish reverses it and screws up the tilt-a-whirl head scissors thing. A double clothesline and now Trish is punching away. Victoria is thrown into a corner but Trish eats an elbow. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER BY TRISH! She has the style down. She can be world champ! Candice jumps on the apron to distract the ref, which looks like it will work when Victoria sets up for the Widow’s Peak. However, Torrie is here to save the day! She hits the X-Factor on Victoria, which leads to Trish hitting the Chick Kick for the win. Man, X-Pac was so cool they are giving others all of his offense. I can’t wait until Mae Young does the Bronco Buster again. Screw it, Chyna sex for everyone! Victoria gets on the mike and swears to God himself that she will make Torrie pay. Big Time. She needs to swear to God never to talk on this show again. Coach rambles on about “one of the most anticipated main events in WrestleMania history.” Wait, is Goldberg going to fight Austin? No, it is the Cena/Triple H contract signing. Someone is anticipating this?
Commercial for Saturday Night’s Main Event. It looks ok I suppose. Actually, it looks like all the normal build-up for WM, just condensed into a two hour package to make it easier on everyone. That was nice of them.
Hey, it is a Triple H commercial for Raw on USA. Jesus walks, and spits water in the air too.
Just for Men sponsors this week’s WWE Rewind, which is Cena’s FU on Big Show. Just for Men, the official hair coloring product of Shane McMahon!
And the Champ is…ok there he is. Styles tries to put over the ovation from the crowd, but nobody lies to us like the King. For the second week in a row we get no entrance for Triple H, as he is already in the ring. I haven’t seen anything today that could not have been sacrificed for said entrance. Then again, he did just have a commercial all by himself. You know, X-Pac takes a lot of crap for actually having sex with Chyna, but Triple H did that before she even had breasts and a quasi-feminine chin. Not enough is made of this fact. It should be included on job applications. “Did you have sex with Chyna?” It would be like a felony conviction. Technically employers couldn’t hold it against a person, but you know they would.
Anyway, this is the contract signing for the main event of WM 22. Trip puts his feet up on the desk and explains how impressed he was by Cena last week, what with the FU on Big Show and all. Trip spoils the ending of the big one for us, “It’s a forgone conclusion. It’s a fact. At WrestleMania, the WWE Championship comes back home.” Guess I don’t have to order the think now. So they both sign the contract. Trip says this is normally the point where he busts out the sledgehammer and bashes his opponent’s head in, but that will not be necessary this time, because Cena is already at such a huge disadvantage. Sucks to be Cena. He doesn’t even warrant sledge love. Cena giggles a bit and explains that Trip cracks him up, because Cena would just take that hammer and stick it straight up Trip’s ass. Alas, he will not shine it up real nice beforehand. They stand up to throw down, but here come the “Tag Team Champions.” Whatever that means. Big Show and Kane are evidently steamed about last week. Hey, there is a sledgehammer under the table! Will wonders never cease? Triple H lied to us all! That son of a bitch! He’s a phony! So the Useless Wonder of the World Chris Masters and Carlito run up behind the tall and fat duo and sneak attack! A full on brouhaha breaks out until Vince appears up on the Titantron. This all seems so familiar. He makes a Trip/Carlito/Useless pile of Crap verses Kane/Big Show/Cena match for the main event tonight. Vince then smells his clothing and looks disgusted. Evidently Shawn’s urine does not smell like roses.
So, who out there is buying the WrestleMania Baseball jersey? Why would you do that? How do you come to that point in your life?
Here is a commercial for Nashville Star. Wait, has Cowboy Troy lived his dream yet? Has he climbed the mountain and reached the entertainment peak that is Raw? We will find out together soon enough.
This Monday the walls will close in on the Champ John Cena. Does that mean the WWE is going to admit he isn’t the best choice for champ? Are they doing away with the Rap Superstar? We all have to watch Monday for the answers damn it! (Or, you can be like me and watch Saturday morning, missing all the filler.)
Only 15 days until WrestleMania 22. Smells like…Chicago. This, of course, is a mixture of sweat and hot dogs. Hey, since it is in Chicago, are we going to get a WrestleMania Rewind for Ahmed Johnson and the Legion of Doom versus the Nation of Domination? Chicago street fights leave no man unscathed!
We are back and Trish finds Torrie laid out in the locker room. That bitch Chloe did it!
Here comes Shawn Michaels. He’s on his knees for the big JC. He should have Cartman’s Jesus band from South Park do his new intro music. The match is a four on one cage match, which how most women ended their nights while hanging out with the Clique in the 90s. Here comes the Spirit Squad. Why doesn’t the fifth guy get to wrestle? One of the Spirits names is Nicky. How cute. Coach says they are up and coming superstars. So was Rock-A-Billy at one point. Shawn starts out as a house of fire, tearing through Spiriteers faster than he used to go throw strippers. All four of the Squad members gang up and put the boots to HBK. Coach chimes in with a New Edition reference, and Styles says Coach brings up a good point. I think so too, Joey. New Edition is always a good point to bring up. Bobby Brown 4 Life. Bel Biv Devoe 4eva! Shawn is tossed into the steel mesh and then eats some punches in the corner. One of the Squad jumps over a mini pyramid set up by the other three and connects on a punch to Shawn’s face. Do you really care which one it was? Shawn is whipped into the opposite corner for the same pyramid move, but he is able to duck out of the way. Flying forearm from Shawn. Kenny goes for the leg drop from the top rope but misses the mark. Shawn does his little jump up thing, knocks everybody down and hits a good looking DDT. Shawn heads up to the top rope and decides to forgo the easy win and hits the elbow drop. He then throws two of the four (lets say Reggie and Hank) into the cage and tries to escape through the door. Of course the fifth guy hits him with the door, but its okay, because that leads to Shawn hitting Sweet Chin Music on another one of the cheerleaders. He tries to make his escape one more time, but this time Shane nails Shawn with the door. He must know a special trick to make the door a more powerful weapon than it was for that Spirit Squad guy. Shane orders the pin, the Spirit Squad gets the win, and that’s all she wrote.
Go see a house show. Please. These people have families to feed. WHY WON’T YOU GO?! THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
Commercial for the Bowflex. Every WWE wrestler has one. That way, they don’t have to take cattle steroids and fertility drugs like Barry Bonds. No steroids in wrestling. No sir. Hey, did you ever notice that Kurt Angle and Barry Bonds look alike? Take a look sometime.
The show returns with Todd Grisham interviewing Trish. So it looks like Torrie suffered a concussion and cannot compete at SNME. Wait, she has a match on Saturday? Who knew? Here comes Mickie, who offers her assistance and says that, after they win, they can go their separate ways. Somebody is a little confident. Trish agrees and walks off, leaving us with Mickie, who looks a little bit on the crazy side. Also, she is a whole lot on the ugly side tonight.
NOW we get Triple H’s entrance. Oh, that back fat is starting to show. Maybe it is time to invest in a Bowflex for that luxury RV. Does Trip look intense or just bloated? We find out after a commercial break!
These M&M commercials make me want to try LSD.
They still haven’t explained this whole SNME Revolution in the 80s. Did it change the whole landscape of television as we know it? Were there protests in the streets, demanding justice for King Kong Bundy?
We catch the tail end of Cena’s entrance, but he got one for the contract signing anyway. All the other main event participants are in the ring. No entrance for you! Biggie and Carlito start off the festivities. Show gets the usual head butts and chops that make up 80% of his offense. Kane is tagged in and hits an uppercut, then a big boot, then a clothesline into the corner, then a sidewalk slam. Carlito isn’t exactly getting in a ton of offense at this point. Kane hits an uppercut on the interfering Masters, which I am sure taught Chris a valuable lesson about cheating. Carlito hits an eye gouge and tags in the Tripster. God they made Carlito look good. Cena blind tags in and is all like, “OH it is on!” Trip is all, “Wait, no it is not on.” Cena is all, “Oh no! This shiznit is on like Donkey Kong!” Trip kinda looks at him funny and tags Carlito back in. Cena hits a big back drop on the Apple Chewer and a belly to belly suplex on Masters, who ran in just to eat a belly to belly suplex. Masters recovers, attacks from behind, and is tagged in by Carlito. Cena verses Masters, WrestleMania 23’s Main Event! Feel the electricity! Masters basically elbows Cena’s back and tags in Carlito, in an attempt to make them seem like a real tag team. The Caribbean One stomps Cena’s head and gets a two count. The usual Carlito offense ensues. He tosses Cena to the ropes, but Cena moves out of the way and tags in Show. Triple H tries to interfere and eats a head butt for his troubles. Big Show goes for the pin on Carlito but Masters makes the save. Kane is now in the ring and he and Show go for the double choke slam on Trip. So, of course, Carly and Chrisy ruin it with chair shots to the monsters’ backs, which are promptly no sold. This leads to the DQ, but that isn’t important as Kane and Show chase Carlito and the No Talent Man-child up the ramp, leaving Cena in the ring and HHH on the ramp. Cena begins to channel the power of the Chain-Gang-Maniacs through his hands. Trip is up on the apron, but Randy Orton hits an RKO on Cena from behind before Trip gets a chance to take a crack at Johnny Boy. Orton actually does a two second pose before running off into the crowd. Wait, shouldn’t Orton hate Triple H for that whole kicking the crap out of him thing back in 2004? Huh?
So, Cowboy Troy didn’t make the cut on AM Raw, which makes me a sad panda. Basically what you learn from AM Raw is that only the McMahons, Shawn, Trip, Cena, Big Slow, Kane, Carly, Masters, the Spirit Squad and breasts are important. In hindsight, isn’t that really an accurate assessment? Until next week.
