[NFL] Pancakes In the Age of Enlightenment- Do Shut Up

Archive

How’s it going everybody? I guarantee you, no matter how shitty you may be feeling today, you feel better than me. I have what I think I am going to name the “Hangover Virus”. What is the Hangover Virus? Picture the worst hangover of your life, but now imagine that it lasts not one day, but FIVE. Honest to God if this malady doesn’t make you want to put a bullet in your head, nothing will.

Because of this, however, I’ve won the Pyrrhic victory of being able to watch a lot of the NCAA Tournament, squeezed in between episodes of projectile vomiting, and random unannounced periods of unconciousness.

In that vein, being that I have watched hours and hours of this year’s Tournament, I pose the question, who sucks worse, Bode Miller or….

BILL SELF??
First, he bolts Illinois for Kansas, then Illinois winds up in the title game a couple of years later. Meanwhile, he’s losing first round games in back to back years to Bucknell and my alma mater, BRADLEY!!! This is something I’m still digesting. Because of Bill Self, the value of my degree from this institution in the city where the sun never shines, Peoria, Illinois, located across the street from a store whose sign reads “HUMAN HAIR/SPORTSWEAR”, and whose most distinctive feature is the funny smell that permeates every square foot of the tiny campus, has beaten one of the premier basketball schools in the world. This, I no believe.

NFC EAST

NY GIANTS
The Giants have been hell bent for defensive backs during this free agent signing period. Which is funny, because I’m wondering how all those DBs will keep the DeShaun Fosters of the world from rushing for 150 yards against them should they return to the playoffs. The most distinguished of the new members of the secondary is former Dolphins corner Sam Madison, who has 31 career interceptions, which is one fewer than his age entering next season, 32. Former 49er, Bear, and Lion R.W. McQuarters was also signed. He can make plays as a nickel back, but I don’t think you really want him covering anybody. The team also took fliers on depth DBs Jason Bell, and Quentin Harris. Safety Will Demps joins the team from Baltimore, and will be a starter next season, as he was with the Ravens before tearing his ACL last season. The Giants also have been in negotiations with LaVar Arrington and WR Keyshawn Johnson has expressed an interest in them.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Nobody’s landed more big name free agents this offseason than the Redskins. Which, in theory, sounds good, but then I think about when Dan Snyder first bought the team and they threw all kinds of money at washed up Bruce Smith and Deion Sanders, and I think it might be best to curb the enthusiasm given that. But the new batch of Redskins is impressive. Last year the Skins had 1 wide receiver (Santana Moss), this year they should have 3. Antwaan Randle El became a star in the Super Bowl, but he’ll have to do more than the 558 receiving yards and 1 receiving touchdown he had in 05 to justify his contract. Brandon Lloyd somehow managed to score 5 touchdowns and gain 733 receiving yards playing for the Niners last year, so as a Redskin in 06, by my math we’re probably talking about 2500 yards and 30 TDs. The Skins also brought in LB Andre Carter from SF, who they hope will be everything they wouldn’t allow LaVar Arrington to be, and upgraded their secondary with ex-Ram Adam Archuleta.

DALLAS COWBOYS
The Boys biggest move so far has been to sign Jaguars linebacker Akin Ayodele, who had 2 ½ sacks and 4 forced fumbles last year. However, it is looking more and more like they are paving the way to replace one pain in the ass diva wide receiver (Keyshawn Johnson, who was released earlier this week), with another one, the better and slightly younger TO, who can now do his little pose on the Dallas Cowboy Star eight times a year if he wants. They also picked up tackle Kyle Kosier, who started 11 games for the Lions last season.

*LATE NOTE- Terrell Owens is, in fact, now officially a Cowboy. Jerry Jones has signed him to a three year, $25 million contract. This ensures an NFC East title for the Cowboys in 06, and also ensures the self destruction and subsequent ineptitude of the franchise from 2007-2010.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Philly’s biggest acquisition thus far has been DE Darren Howard. Howard had an off year in 05, registering only 3 ½ sacks, but he had 11 in 2004. The Eagles hope he and Javon Kearse can give them a formidable pass rushing duo. They also added to their menagerie of crappy wide receivers by signing Jabar Gaffney, who had 492 yards and 2 TDs for the Texans last year. Then they signed Jeff Garcia, who Eagle fans will probably be screaming for halfway into the 06 season. Then he’ll eventually play and suck.

NFC NORTH

CHICAGO BEARS
They’ve done nothing, because the team is absolutely perfect just the way it is. Rex Grossman is the greatest quarterback ever. So great, in fact, that he does not require a competent backup. He’s kind of like Peyton Manning, or a younger Brett Favre.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Can Chester Taylor succeed where Michael Bennett, Mewelde Moore, and Onterrio Smith could not? The Vikings hope so. They signed Jamal Lewis’ backup to be their featured runner. Last year he averaged 4.2 yards per carry en route to a season total of 487 yards. One of the guys he will be running behind is former Giants guard Jason Whittle, who missed all of last season with an injury, but started 16 games for Big Blue in 04. LB Ben Leber was signed from San Diego to shore up the defense, and longtime Packers kicker Ryan Longwell will get a chance to kick indoors as a Viking.

DETROIT LIONS
I don’t think any team has ever signed three quarterbacks in one free agent period, but here we are. The Lions hope three backups (Jon Kitna, Josh McCown, Shaun King) will equal one starter. I guess you have to give them the fact that none of them is Joey Harrington though. WR Corey Bradford was brought in from Houston. He had 5 TDs last year, and given the various on and off field misadventures of Charles Rogers and Mike Williams, he could be a starter.

GREEN BAY PACKERS
Most of the Pack’s offseason activity has centered around keeping around current players whom they still think can contribute. RB Ahman Green was resigned to a one year extension after missing most of last season with an injury. DE Aaron Kampman got a big payday for his 6 ½ sacks last season. Safety Marquand Manuel, who started in the Super Bowl for Seattle, will join the Green Bay secondary. The Pack is hot after New England kicker Adam Vinatieri to replace Ryan Longwell.

NFC SOUTH
CAROLINA PANTHERS
The Cats’ biggest move this offseason was to finally tie the knot with DeShaun Foster, giving him a long term contract and cutting ties with that slut Stephen Davis. They also moved to strengthen an already formidable defensive line by signing former Ravens’ run stuffer Maake Keomeatu, and Damione Lewis, who the Rams made the 12th overall pick in the 2001 draft. Safety Shaun Williams was signed from the Giants.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
The offense has been entrusted to QB Chris Simms, at least for the 06 season. Brian Griese was released, and Simms, who filled in nicely after Griese’s injury last season, got a one year extension. The team also locked up DT Chris Hovan, whose career was on the ropes before a rebound year with the Bucs in 05. They are trying hard to sign New England tackle Tom Ashworth.

ATLANTA FALCONS
The Falcons have been working hard to try and engineer a deal to land Jets’ DE John Abraham, but as of this writing the Seahawks seem to be the front runners to acquire his services. The Jets have asked for Falcons backup QB Matt Schaub in return, a concession the Falcons aren’t willing to make. Now that Patrick Ramsey has been acquired by the Jets, it doesn’t look like the Falcons any longer have anything the Jets would need. The wildcard is that Abraham is from South Carolina, and would prefer to play for the Falcons next year, although it’s not really his call because he’s not a free agent. One guy who is coming to Atlanta is former Buffalo and New England safety Lawyer Milloy. Milloy is no longer an elite defender, but he still is someone who is always around the ball, as evidenced by his 107 tackles.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
There hasn’t been a lot of quantity heading to New Orleans this March, but as far as quality goes, the Saints surprisingly landed one of the top available free agents. Drew Brees comes in from San Diego, and all of a sudden the offense looks very potent. Brees and new head coach and offensive guru Sean Payton will have weapons like Deuce McAllister, Joe Horn, and Dante Stallworth to work with next year. The team also has signed underperforming but talented and versatile former Viking running back Michael Bennett to back up the injury prone McAllister.

NFC WEST
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
As mentioned earlier, stud DE John Abraham could be headed to Seattle for the team’s first round draft choice. The Jets and the Seahawks are both down with it, but the problem is that Abraham has let it be known the team he wants to play for is Atlanta, not Seattle. Whether he becomes a Hawk or not, the team has already had a productive offseason. They wisely locked up league MVP Shaun Alexander, and re-signed talented young DT Rocky Bernard, who had 8 ½ sacks last year. They still could lose a key member of their strong offensive line though, as Steve Hutchinson has been signed to an offer sheet by the Vikings. Hutchinson has been tagged as the team’s transition player, which means the team can match the offer, which they either did or didn’t, depending on what an arbitrator who rule on what team Hutchinson will play for next year decides. The team might pay back the Vikings by signing WR Nate Burleson.

ST. LOUIS RAMS
Former Saints head coach Jim Haslett is the new defensive coordinator in the Loo, and he’ll have a lot of new ammo to work with next season. LaRoi Glover was brought in from Dallas to anchor the D line, talented young linebacker Will Witherspoon was signed from Carolina, and the Vikings’ Corey Chavous, who had 8 interceptions in 2003, will try to replace the departed Adam Archuleta. The Rams also brought in Gus Frerotte to be on call when Marc Bulger suffers his annual injury.

ARIZONA CARDINALS
Edgerrin James is now a Cardinal, and there isn’t a team that has a scarier offense than oBoldin and Larry Fitzgerald, but now they finally seem to have the answer to the problem that plagued them last season, they now have a running game. They also strengthened the defensive line by adding former Giant DT Kendrick Clancy.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Last year’s top receiver, Brandon Lloyd, was traded to Washington, but the Niners think they’ve found a more than adequate replacement in former Brown Antonio Bryant. Bryant, who is only 25 years old, had 1009 yards and 4 TDs in Cleveland last year. The team also re-upped with LB Brandon Moore, who had 72 tackles and 5 sacks last season. He will have to be one of the anchors of a defense that will lose a lot of good players this offseason. Veteran corner Walt Harris was signed from the Redskins and will be given an opportunity to start.

AFC EAST
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The Pats lost receiver David Givens, and replaced him with former Charger Reche Caldwell. Caldwell was a high draft pick coming into the league, but frequent injuries have kept him from realizing his potential. If he can’t succeed in New England, he can’t succeed anywhere.

MIAMI DOLPHINS
New England has owned this division for most of the decade, but with the addition of Daunte Culpepper to a team that finished the 05 season as one of the league’s hottest teams, it’s fair to say they now have a stiff challenger. Culpepper had a horrible season last year, throwing only 6 TDs against 12 interceptions, before suffering a season ending injury, and his attitude is questionable, but, he threw 39 touchdown passes in 2004. If he does anything close to that in 06, and with guys like Chris Chambers, Marty Booker, and Randy McMichael to throw to he very well could, his attitude won’t be an issue. The Fish also signed tackle LJ Shelton from Cleveland, who started 16 games for the Browns last year. Linebacker Sedrick Hodge and former Lions corner Andre Goodman round out the team’s free agent haul. The team hopes Niners LB Julian Peterson will be next.

BUFFALO BILLS
The Bills have been relatively quiet this offseason. Their biggest signing has been former Colts DT Larry Tripplett, who had 30 tackles and 4 sacks on a good Indy defense in 05. Veteran safety Matt Bowen also arrives from Washington, and will replace departed free agent Lawyer Milloy. The offense didn’t get as much help, getting only blocking tight end Robert Royal from Washington, and journeyman receiver Andre Davis from New England.

NY JETS
Desperate to avoid last year’s Brooks Bollinger/Vinny Testaverde nightmare at all costs, the Jets made a trade for Redskins backup QB Patrick Ramsey. The problem with that is, from what he’s shown so far, he’s not that much better than Bollinger. The Jets also have signed former Steeler DE Kimo Von Oehlhoffen, a 12 year vet. He is meant to replace John Abraham, but Abraham had had 7 more sacks than Kimo last year, playing on a lot worse of a team

AFC NORTH
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Super Bowl Champs don’t have the cap room to be players in this free agent market, and pretty much just want it to be over, with as little damage as possible. Safety Chris Hope has gone to Nashville, and free agent signee Ryan Clark, who had 3 picks as a Redskin last year, will get a chance to replace him. Cornerback DeShea Townsend was resigned though, and will return to the Super Bowl winning defense next year. Joining him will be DE Brett Keisel, who was signed to a four year deal and will be promoted to a starter, replacing the departed Kimo Von Oehlhoffen. Pro Bowl center Jeff Hartings also re-upped with the champs.

CINCINNATI BENGALS
Not a whole lot of news coming out of Cincinnati. Safety Dexter Jackson was signed from Tampa to bolster the suspect secondary. But, with Jon Kitna gone to Detroit, there’s still the matter of who will play quarterback if Carson Palmer’s injury keeps him from playing at the start of, or at all, next season. The team meets with Brian Griese this weekend.

BALTIMORE RAVENS
The Ravens biggest signing has been former Bronco DE Trevor Pryce. Pryce enters his 10th NFL season, and had only 4 sacks last year after missing most of the 04 season with an injury. He did have a total of 25 sacks in 1999 and 2000 though. Also arriving from Denver is running back Mike Anderson, who rushed for 1014 yards and 12 TDs last year, but was released last month. He will back up and push Jamal Lewis, who the team signed to a 3 year deal despite having a terrible 2005 season. The Ravens haven’t signed a quarterback, although most say that is because they are waiting for the Titans to cut Steve McNair, which may or may not happen.

CLEVELAND BROWNS
Could the BROWNS of all teams be the big winners of this free agent season? They’ve picked up a lot of vets with some pretty good credentials. Pro Bowl center LeCharles Bentley arrives from New Orleans, and will be joined on the offensive line by tackle Kevin Shaffer, who was a starter for the Falcons last season. The Browns also signed WR Joe Jurevicius to replace Antonio Bryant. Jurevicius had 10 TDs as a Seahawk last year, and he and Braylon Edwards make a formidable receiving duo. Finally, 12 year vet Willie McGinest arrives from New England, re-joining his old defensive coordinator, Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. McGinest can still go, he had 57 tackles and 6 sacks last season.

AFC SOUTH
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Edgerrin James is gone, so the running game will rest with Dominic Rhodes next season. Also gone is DT Larry Tripplett. The Colts did wisely lock up linebacker Gary Brackett, who had 127 tackles last season.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
The Jags have focused on fortifying their offensive line. Stockar McDougle was signed from Miami, as was Mike Williams, the former Buffalo tackle who was the 4th overall pick in the 2002 draft, and a colossal bust. He will try to salvage his career in Jacksonville. They made a nice pickup for the secondary in landing athletic former Minnesota corner Brian Williams, who had 4 picks last year.

TENNESSEE TITANS
Jeff Fisher’s Titans have been one of the biggest players in this market. They’ve landed multiple time Pro Bowl center Kevin Mawae from the Jets, former Steelers safety Chris Hope, and ex-Pat wideout David Givens. They also landed Indy linebacker David Thornton, who had 83 tackles and 2 sacks last season. Now, if only they could figure out what to do about their quarterbacking situation.

HOUSTON TEXANS
Not a whole lot going on in Houston. Defensive end Anthony Weaver was signed from Baltimore. He’s a solid player, but not what you’d call a game-changer. Sage Rosenfels was also signed to presumably be David Carr’s backup.

AFC WEST
DENVER BRONCOS
If you’ve ever played for, or even watched the Cleveland Browns play defense, chances are you could get a call from Mike Shanahan. The team not only re-upped with last year’s Cleveland classmates, Courtney Brown and Gerard Warren, but added another former Brown, LB Kenard Lang. Lang had 15 sacks in 03 and 04 combined, but only 2 last year.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The Chiefs made a lot of noise about acquiring Terrell Owens, but now that he’s a Cowboy, all that was was noise. They’ve stayed out of this market, save for locking up longtime Chief guard Will Shields for the rest of his career, and taking a flier on former Broncos RB Quentin Griffin. The team is expected to pursue former Jet and Patriot corner Ty Law, who had 10 picks last season.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Safety Marlon McCree had a breakout year in Carolina last year, and parlayed that into a 5 year, 16 million dollar contract with the Chargers. TE Aaron Shea also joins the team, and will replace Justin Peele as the backup to Antonio Gates.

OAKLAND RAIDERS
No news from Wacky Town. Someone will play QB for them next year. It won’t be Kerry Collins. One name that has been tossed around is former Saints’ QB Aaron Brooks.

IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP
That’s a wrap for this week, check out these dudes:

Patrick is the straw that stirs the drink at IP Sports.

Rev Sick previews UFC.

Steve Price critiques an old column of his. He says it’s laziness. I say it’s genius, and friggin hilarious.

Trent’s got your boxing.

Tom Gubitosi has thoughts on the Big Dance.

If you’re a wrestling fan Scott Keith is a must read, and there’s a lot of his old posts up right now. He’s had 2 books that I know of published, and has achieved about as much as one can hope to in this internet column racket.

But he’s still not as good as Eric S.

Okay then see ya next week.