Welcome everyone to your live coverage of WWE’s Saturday Night Main Event. I’m your host for the evening, Tom Pandich. This is a jam packed show featuring a handicap match between all five main eventers at Wrestlemania, a street fight between Shane McMahon and Shawn Michaels, and um, a beer drinking contest”¦ It’s better then a Mr. T/Bob Orton boxing match, right? Right? Keep it tuned here all night as we’ll have live updates throughout the event.
We start out with the classic Saturday Night Main Event theme. Vince and Shane are in the back talking about how they’re going to take Shawn Michaels out. Shawn talks about how if he’s going to hell, he’s taking Shane with him. Triple H starts out talking about how he’s taking out Cena at Wrestlemania but in pops Cena’s hand and the two have a main event stare down. JBL is dressed up like Earl and talks about how he’s a wrestling god. We finish things up with the Boogeyman.
Fireworks and we are Live from Detroit. Jim Ross is here and here comes”¦. THE GAME???
Triple H and John Cena vs Rey Mysterio, Kurt Angle, and Randy Orton: This is curtain jerking!??!?!
Ross is commentating with Tazz and Jerry “the King” Lawler. Cena gets a pretty mediocre reaction. Angle gets a rather giant reaction. Mysterio gets a slightly smaller reaction. The crowd is dead for Orton.
The match starts out with Cena and Orton. Cena is all over Orton to start out until Orton gets an eye poke. Orton hits some punches and gets a blind tag to Orton. Orton gets hip tossed by Cena but Angle hits a gigantic German release suplex. Cena gets tossed by a belly to belly suplex. Cena nails a main event spinebuster for two. He gets a tag to Triple H who works over Angle in the corner.
Triple H is working over Angle until Angle hits a German. He holds on and hits two more for the hat trick. Hot tag to Rey Mysterio who hits a sit down senton. He then flips around Triple H rolling him up for two. Mysterio dodges a blow from Triple H and gets a backslide for two. Cena gets a tag in and gets massive heat. A huge Cena sucks chant starts up and it’s all good for Rey. Mysterio eats a shoulderblock but pops up for a few dropkicks on Triple H and Cena. Cena charges and gets set up for a 6-1-9. Triple H pulls Cena out of harms way and Triple H demolishes Mysterio. We cut to commercial.
We’re back and Mysterio is out on the outside. The smoke from all the pre-match pyro has finally cleared. Triple H works over Mysterio and tries to make a tag to Cena who refuses. Mysterio gets set up on the top rope and he fights Triple H off. Mysterio fights Triple H off and he hits a gigantic moonsault. Mysterio tries for a tag but gets caught up by Triple H. He kicks him in the face and its two tags. One to Orton, one to Cena. Huge boos fill the arena.
Cena hits his usual offense. Five knuckle shuffle. Pump up. FU! One, two”¦. Triple H pulls Cena off. Kick, wham, pedigree! Triple H leaves, but comes back and drapes Orton over Cena. One, two, Mysterio pulls Orton off. They argue and Triple H pedigrees Mysterio. Orton and Triple H share a moment before Angle clotheslines Triple H out. RKO TO ANGLE! Orton is measuring Cena but Cena blocks the RKO, gets the roll up, and the win!
Winners: Triple H and John Cena
Triple H and Cena do a bunch of “I’ll beat you!” “No, I’ll beat you!” stuff before we go to commercial.
We’re back and we run down the Wrestlemania main events. It’s nice to see Jim Ross. We then run down the Hall of Fame inductions and who is inducting them.
We cut to the back and its Booker T screaming about how he’s hurt in the back. Doctor Rio says that Booker T can’t compete without an MRI. Teddy Long is disappointed but has to call off the match for tonight. Booker gives a little look of victory to the camera before we go back to live action, and by action I mean “The Cutting Edge”. Except it’s time for yet another commercial.
The Cutting Edge with special guest Mick Foley
Lita welcomes us to “The Cutting Edge”. The ring is filled with tables, chairs, kendo sticks, and all sorts of stuff. Lita puts over Edge as “the highest rated champion in the past five years” and someone who is “perfect at Wrestlemania”. Edge runs down Foley calling him a “cuddly teddy bear” and “a Muppet”. Edge breaks down Foley’s interview routine. The cheap pop, his promo of his latest “failure”, and then he “dances around with a sock puppet”. Edge is going to put Foley out of his misery tonight.
Foley’s music hits and Foley’s got a bag of tacks. Edge lights the table on fire. Neat. Someone by the ring pops in and puts the table out and Foley flips it over. Foley takes out Edge and dumps the tacks. Foley hits a few punches and Edge is teetering. Foley hits the ropes and gets hit by Lita with a chair. Edge bulldogs Foley into the tacks! Ouch.
Edge and Lita head out but Foley is up! He’s got a chair and he’s giving chase! Edge looks to meet him, but gets the chair knocked out of his hands. Foley then hits Edge in the gut and then over the head with the chair. Foley lays Edge’s head on the chair and it’s a CONCHAIRTO! BANG BANG! We go to commercial from that.
We’re back and we get a breakdown of the McMahon/Michaels feud. If the WWE can do one thing right it’s a video package. McMahon fires everyone, has his ass kissed, and screws Bret. We then get two minutes of the best of Shawn over the past ten years or so. The feud is then shown. It’s funny that all of the cursing is edited out. Decent video package.
We go to the back and Booker T is celebrating with Sharmell. Out of the ceiling”¦ IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN! Booker T and Sharmell scadadle down the hallway.
Ringside here comes JBL. Beer drinking contest is next.
Beer Drinking Contest
There are about forty plastic cups and five pitchers of beer on a table. JBL says this the moment that everyone has been waiting for. He runs down Detroit. He runs down Mayor “Kwame” which gets some major cheers. He says that you idiots shouldn’t be cheering since they’re the ones who elected him. JBL says that the sports teams couldn’t win an inner-squad scrimmage and that their labor unions are killing the United States. Bradshaw cuts one of the best heel promos here I’ve heard in a long time.
Glass breaks and Austin is comes out in a Ford F-150 with the horn blarring and the tires screeching. Tazz gives a quick background to the JBL and Austin feud. Austin has three things to say. The best is that he sure is thirsty. Austin and JBL talk about how this feud came to fruition.
Austin runs down how he drank a lot of beers while waiting for this match. Austin wants to start drinking but JBL stops him. JBL talks about how he went across the boarder to get some real beer, where they play real hockey. Big boos to that. JBL and Austin are going to drink 25 beers in one minute. Austin calls JBL the official “one minute man”.
The contest starts and JBL starts pouring out the beer. Austin is on his third beer when he catches JBL cheating. JBL tosses a beer in Austin’s face. JBL is laughing his ass off and here comes Benoit! Benoit tosses Bradshaw back into the ring and Austin tosses about ten beers worth in JBL’s face. Austin grabs JBL’s hat and kick, wham, STUNNER! Austin dances around the ring like a druken idiot.
In the back, Victoria and Candice Michelle are admiring CM’s Playboy cover. They head down to the ring as, joy, their match is next.
Candice Michelle and Victoria vs Trish Stratus and Mickie James: An hour in and this is our second match”¦
We get a Mickie James stalks Trish Stratus video. Mickie James may be crazy but so was Victoria when she started in the WWE. Mickie is hot as hell as far as I’m concerned. I claim her as my official IWC creepy stalker crush. Line of the night by the King: “Trish and Mickie make a pretty weird tag team. Trish is pretty and Mickie is weird.”
The match starts with Trish and Candice. Victoria gets a cheap shot on Trish and Candice works over Trish. A tag to Victoria and she flips over the top rope and hits Trish with a leg drop. Victoria puts Trish into a front facelock. Trish powers out of the move and tries to make a tag, but Candice distracts the ref. Candice and Victoria try for a double suplex but Trish counters with a DDT. Trish tries for a tag but Victoria takes out Mickie James. Trish is up and uses the Matrix dodge. Kick to Victoria’s got and it’s the Stratusfaction!
Winner: Trish Stratus and Mickie James
Mickie grabs a mic and says she wants to say a proper good bye to Trish. She extends her hand. Trish accepts and Mickie tries for a kiss on the lips. Trish gets it on the cheek and pulls away. Mickie pulls her in for a hug and”¦.HEEL TURN!!!!!!! Strautsfaction on Trish. Mickie is screaming at Trish, “do you love me now?” Thank all that is good and holy for my beautiful and beloved turning heel finally, finally, finally!
During the break on WWE Unlimited Mickie talks about how Trish broke Mickie’s heart and now she’s going to break Trish.
We run down the Wrestlemania card again. This is only two weeks away surprisingly. Booker T and the Boogeyman has been added to the card.
Here comes”¦. Good lord, Mark Henry. We get a video package of Mark Henry and the Undertaker (basically a recap of Mark Henry stealing the Undertaker’s title victory). Now we go back to commercial”¦ again. Silent Hill looks to potentially be the best video game movie.
We’re back from commercials and absolutely nothing has happened. Davari talks about how Mark Henry isn’t afraid of the Undertaker. Wow, awesome. Freaking awesome. Apparently Mark Henry thinks the Undertaker is afraid of him. Henry gets about three sentences out and here comes the Undertaker. Lights, pyro, mist, and six druids wheel down a casket. Say what you will about the Undertaker but damn, he has a cool intro. The Undertaker steps out and slowly walks down. JR makes mention that they’re using the same casket from the match with Yokozuna. Undertaker beats the hell out of Henry but Henry levels him with a clothesline. Imagine a tree brawling with a mountain and you’ve got an idea of how good this brawl is. Davari gets chokeslammed and tombstoned on the casket to end the segment.
Michaels comes down to the ring and his match is next. Is it time to go to commercials? Why I think it is!
Shawn Michaels vs Shane O Mac: Street Fight
Shane is joined by Vince and Shawn attacks Shane as he’s doing his little dance on the top of the entrance way. Shane eats a steel chair shot and the ring is well stocked. Michaels pulls out a table, and Shane tosses Shawn into a steel post. Shane pulls out a second table and a ladder. Shane picks up Shawn and rams Shawn into the steel post twice. Vince has set up the second table and Shane is going for a ridiculous spot where he’s going to drop the elbow from a ladder to the outside. Vince lays Shawn out but gets his eye poked. Shawn catches Shane and it’s a gigantic superplex from the ladder to and through both tables. Wow! That huge spot takes us to commercial.
We’re back and Michaels body slams Shane inside the ring. Shawn is climbing the ladder and is looking to drop the Jesus elbow but Vinnie Mac hits Michaels twice with a kendo stick. We get a recap of Shane and Shawn’s wild ride. Shane has the ladder and is hammering Shawn in the back with it. Vince counts Shane’s pinfall. “1, 2, 3″¦ and a near fall.” Shane hits a ladder shot again for two. Shane hooks on a surfboard for a good three minutes. Shawn gets up and reverse it on Shane. Shawn hops off of Shane and takes a swing at Vince but misses. Shane O Mac floats over and hits a big DDT for two. Shane O’ Mac hits a chair shot and it looks like its time for a Van Terminator.
Vince is holding Michaels down. Michaels moves and Vinne Mac is out. Diving elbow on Shane. Inverted atomic drop. Kip up and the big elbow on Shane. Shawn tunes up the band. One, two”¦. No! Vince pulls out the ref. Shane McMahon puts on the Sharpshooter and Vince calls for the bell. Ahahahahahahaha.
Winner by submission Shane McMahon
Well”¦ that’s it. This was a horrible horrible show. Easily this was the worst show put on by the WWE this year. Thumbs way down.
