TNA: In The Zone for 3/18/06
Hey guys and dolls, welcome back to what should be a fun (if short) edition of TNA: In The Zone. As usual, I’m Dougie. This is our first televised show since the Destination X PPV, and I am feeling really good. Not because of the quality of this show, but because my friendly neighborhood physician has prescribed me a large amount of Vicodin. That being the case, I am going to do my best to keep this column from sounding like Eminem’s latest album.
Why am I on drugs, you ask? Turns out that I have some sort of nasty, infectious cyst on the back of my neck. Suffice it to say that I was in a lot of pain.
We start with a recap of the PPV. Yes, if you hadn’t heard, Jarrett’s secret weapon was none other than the big bad body daddy poppa pump up your big bad arms, Scott Steiner. I had really thought we’d seen the last of this guy, since his bout with drop foot syndrome. If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s the syndrome that lets you start out at the head of the card, and you drop one foot every time you are on television, till you end up jobbing to guys like Monte Brown.
It just sucks that we get the return of Sting, but he gets buried by the roided out mass of Steiner. Oh hell, don’t forget the guitar shot. I’m surprised that we didn’t see some tea-bagging while we were at it.
Normally, the most important part of any PPV is how well the company builds to it. They need to make the build up good enough to get people to buy it, right? Often, the opposite is forgotten. You have to have a good show AFTER a PPV, to release pressure. This time, I think TNA really let us down. They start the show with Planet Jarrett coming out to gloat. Okay, no problem, but do they have to take up a whole segment to do it? The only thing AT ALL entertaining about this segment (and maybe the whole show) was Jackie’s cleavage. The crowd was all over these guys with the “Boring” chants. I wish Jarrett would quit trying to re-invent the now. They top the crap off by giving Steiner the stick, and he doesn’t fail to un-impress. It’s the same old drivel he’s been spouting since WCW.
I have to appreciate the chants of “You Still Suck” TNA fans are VOCAL about who they like, and even more vocal when they are not happy.
BTW, the sign of the night has to be “Erin go Bragh, Jackie go Braless”!
On a side note, I thought Team Canada hated Americans. I would really like to see a schism here, where Petey leads some of the guys away from D’Amore, telling him that they are Team Canada, not Team Kiss Jarrett’s American Ass. (then he lays the fat bastard out.)
You’d might think that after this segment, they’d try to wake us up with a really great match. You might think that, but you’d be wrong. We go to Larry Z’s office in the back, where we are informed that TNA senior management is a nameless, faceless corporation, and that Larry wields the He-Man sword of power.
Okay, lets remind everyone that the guys with the checkbooks don’t even like wrestling. That’ll build confidence in the fans. Anyway, Larry makes a match for Lockdown (wish he’d make a match for tonight).
Fantasy Match: instead of the drivel we’ve seen so far tonight, I let my Vicodin addled psyche take me to a magical place. I watch Jay Lethal and Sabu team up to take on Alex Shelley and Samoa Joe. Mmmm, imagine the gore (no, Rhino doesn’t do a run in. Stay with me here.) Shelley and Lethal do their thing, hitting all sorts of insane spots. Following that, Sabu refuses to quit as Joe dishes out everything he can to keep the maniac down. Finally, Joe gives up, leaving Shelley alone between Lethal and Sabu. They finish Shelley with a series of moves that look like they would kill an ordinary man. After the match, Sabu gets to the top of the ramp, and turns to see Shelley standing (barely) in the center of the ring. Sabu starts a slow clap, which catches on throughout the iMPACT Zone, applauding Shelley’s resilience.
That shit will never happen.
Back to reality, Larry makes a 6 Sides of Steel match for next week. Team 3D vs. Team Kiss Jarrett’s Ass… I mean Team Canada.
Joe then comes in to demand a rematch against Daniels. Joe wants his belt back. Okay, Larry, I am a HUGE fan, ever since I was a kid. You are the living legend. DO NOT EVER run down the X Division again. Joe is too good for them? WTF? You don’t dump on what brought you to the dance! These X Div guys bleed out on command, and you say Joe needs to step up? I don’t f*cking think so. Yes, I look forward to seeing Joe face some new competitors, but only to someday seeing the World Championship belt around his waist. Oh, the opponent for Joe? We have to wait till next week.
By the way, still no matches tonight, unless you count Samoa Joe vs. Larry Z’s office teaming with Jeremy Borash.
Wait, we come back, and they are setting up for a match! A three way. X Division match, to determine the final member of Team USA for the International X Cup.
Maverick Matt Bentley (w/ Traci) vs. Primetime Elix Skipper vs. Sonjay Dutt.
Okay, this is for Team USA, right? Didn’t Elix used to bill himself from Canada? Isn’t Sonjay from Bombay? (Stop rhyming…) I like these guys, though. Apparently Vince Vaughn ( I mean Simon Diamond) is going to join the announce team for this match. He raises the same objections that I do about Sonjay, but Tenay reminds us that the Playa is a US citizen. He even graduated college in the USA. I wonder what degrees he needed to become the Original Playa from the Himalayas.
Elix shows off his talent well in this match. He has way too much skill to be booked this way. Sadly, he just has too little charisma to be booked any other way. Sonjay goes on to win, joining Team USA. Awesome.
Simon then jumps in with the Shelley Cam version of the Way Back Machine, visiting the training camp of the White Sox. Simon claims he was offered a contract, but Tenay has more footage. Is Shelley playing both sides of the fence? Dale Torborg and AJ Pierzynski are on hand to argue with Simon, and then the coach punks him out with a chair. Throughout this, Simon really hits comedy gold. “Cut to commercial. Cue the commercial now!” Awesome stuff. Apparently an eight year old with an iPOD can now alter footage to superimpose wrestlers getting beaten up by baseball players. It doesn’t help that I agree with Mr. Diamond when he says that wrestling belts shouldn’t be handed out, but earned instead.
For the record, this is about the halfway point in the show, and we’ve had only one match.
Wow, they must have heard me. Cue up the stock footage as Abyss squashes Cassidy Riley (who still dresses like Raven)
Next up we hit a recorded interview with Christian Cage. Apparently he is off filming a movie called Shoot ‘Em Up with Clive Owen and Paul Giamotti. First I’ve heard of it. The next interview (are you detecting a pattern here, gentle reader?) tells us that Abyss wants a title shot. Hmm, maybe Abyss is Joe’s opponent for next week. That would be sweet.
Wow, another match. LAX members Homicide and Machete take on (already in the ring) Shark Boy and NORMAN (f’n) SMILEY! Again, they book smiley like a bitch. You think this is going to be a squash, but wait, it’s a swerve! Konnan is mad about the PPV, and takes out Machete with his slapjack. He tells Sharky to pin him, then strips him of his colors. Wow, that happened faster than I would have expected. You gotta hate tough love.
Next up is the main event tag match. Shannon Moore, AMW, and Alex Shelley vs. The Truth, Rhino, AJ Styles, and Christopher Daniels. This match reads like a who’s who of TNA talent, except for Moore (Didn’t I read that he had gone back to the WWE?). I think the Prince of Punk has the ability to go with these guys, I just don’t think he’s proven it yet.
When the match finally gets started, we have my dream tag team in the ring, Rhino and Shelley. These Motor City guys would just rock. During the match, the crowd is RABID for Daniels. He wants to be a heel so badly, but the crowd isn’t hearing any of it. The god guys win with some awesome X Div style spots (too bad Samoa Joe is to good for these guys, huh? You make your name beating them up, then you “step up” to be a real wrestler. Damn, I’m still bitter about that shit)
We end things up with a promo for the 6 Sides of Steel next week. It should be a good match.
What we got this week: a lot of bitching and moaning about title shots, and a LOT of gloating by Planet Jarrett. We were also treated to some good comedy bits.
What we missed: A promo by Daniels about how HIS belt had come home, and the quality matches that I have come to expect from TNA.
Which brings us to the final question. Was anyone really In The Zone this week? Of everyone I saw, I’d have to say that Vince Vaughn really tried to come through for us. Even though his video packages interrupted the show a little bit, I find that I agree with the guy, AND he amuses me. Therefore, (and I never thought I’d be saying this) Simon Diamond is In The Zone.
If you disagree, you can let me know. I’m probably too drugged out to know any better, but you can let me know.
Dougie
icarusfallz@yahoo.com
By the way, there will be no TNA In The Zone next week, as I will be out of town at MidSouth Science Fiction and Fantasy Convention. If you are going to be in the Memphis area, you should check it out. www.midsouthcon.org.
