Welcome to my first regularly scheduled column with fresh content in quite some time! I’ve left you hanging by strings, BEGGING for fresh material for WEEKS and now you get it! Hooray for you! But before hooray for you, a piece of mail that I didn’t get to while “covering” for Eric last week:
Seriously, retro posting stuff? That’s for Scooter to do, because he’s talented and people read his shit. When you have a news column or op-ed shit, you need fresh shit out there. Don’t be like Stephen Randle and add shit to your column from years ago because you have nothing. Just don’t write shit then. Don’t be RANDLE! You’re better than that! – Xavier Knight
1) Xavier Knight? That scared me right there…felt like I would get raped.
2) You say I can’t repost like Scooter because Scooter is talented, thus implying that I’m not talented. FUCK YOU
3) Then you tell me I’m better than Stephen Randle, who I didn’t know about until I Googled him, thus telling me I’m talented. Consistency my friend.
So in the end, I am less talented than Scooter (Hey, f*cker has BOOKS on this shit) but more talented than Stephen Randle, another Monday columnist on the WCW of pop culture websites, 411. And we know what happened to WCW, in fact, we’re doing a FEATURE on it. Check it out here.
As for those who’ve asked why I’ve missed all the columns and don’t believe my excuses of having a real life, I’ll finally come clean. I’ve been missing columns to emulate Hyatte. It’s really quite simple. Truthfully, I missed his shit today…on with the show…
Wow, welcome back to Saturday Night’s Main Event. Now, please proceed to the checkout isle so we can shoot you in the face to make it somewhat entertaining.
I was AMPED, PSYCHED, and generally HAPPY to see some primetime wrestling. The big RETURN of SNME! HUGE MATCHES! BIG ANGLES! THE MEGA-LEAD-IN TO WRESTLEMANIA!
And it sucked. It sucked big salami. Come with me; let’s go on a journey…
– Triple H and The Cena def. Kurt Angle, Randy “Big O” Orton and Eddie Guerrero Jr.
Welcome to the wellness program Kurt. Anybody notice teeny tiny Angle? This match was cool for about 5 seconds. Then they came back from commercial break and the match sucked hardcore. It seemed rushed, discombobulated and just plain stupid. This set the tone for the night…sadly.
– Booker T fakes an injury.
4 years later and he still has to sell Triple H’s Indian Deathlock. That’s keeping your bitch in check. Kudos to HHH.
– Edge sets a table on fire for no apparent reason, Mick Foley kills him dead.
If this had been Mick “transforming” into Cactus Jack full will the Triple H like response of fear from Edge, I could’ve dug it. As it was, it was kind of cool, but boring overall.
– Boogeyman scares Booker T and Paisley
How Boogeyman has lasted this long is a question for the Kwang ages. How, regardless of the gimmick, the two black wrestlers wind up fighting each other is just sheer tomfoolery on McMahon’s part. You figured that with the red face paint Boogeyman would wind up fighting Tatanka in an Indian Death Match. Get it? Red face? Get it? OH HO HO HO HA HA.
– JBL and Stone Cold proceed to drive the show right into the ground.
Can somebody, anybody explain why in the world this was needed. How about you, Mr. Nielsen? What do you have to say? Oh, hard 3.2 and dead last for the night? Thanks!
– My baby girl gets pinned by Trish Stratus and Mickie turns heel.
So, just to fill you in on something: Victoria has not posed for Playboy, so you can have her get pinned. Mickie James has upstaged Victoria, the original psycho, so you can have her get pinned. Victoria, who is the only person in Trish Stratus’ league, is stuck with Candance and thus can be pinned because hey, who needs good workers? Hot workers? Workers who VOLUNTEER for Playboy but are deemed “unworthy”. Fucking WWE. I miss you baby girl.
– Mark Henry and Undertaker have a confrontation.
Normally confrontations with the Undertaker wind up with Sara pinning somebody. But hell, Daivari getting Tombstoned will do. Oh, and this was ATROCIOUS to watch. Hey, Mr. Mean Mark, when your entrance is the best thing you do, it’s time to hang it up.
– “Hey Shawn, let’s do a table spot like 2 seconds into the match and proceed to suck until the very end!” “Sounds good, but if you’re going over, put me in the Sharpshooter and have your Dad ring the bell. It’ll be awesome praise Jesus.” “COOL!”
– If they had built up to the table spot, this match could’ve been fun. But they blew their load real quick and the Viagra never kicked in to give them another go at it. Oh, and Montreal happened almost 10 YEARS AGO.
So, overall this show was a huge waste of my time, your time and NBCs time. As the ratings show, nobody gave a damn. Lesson learned: WWE, even with a HUGE opportunity, is as complacent as ever.
– As reported here by the classiest of wrestling’s internet nipple watchers, WWE let Candance’s nipple fly on 5 Questions With The Champ, John Cena’s little internet Q&A. It’s brief, but there, kind of like Matthew Michaels in the sack, or so his girlfriend tells me.
– Apparently…ok according to 1wrestling…Goldberg is close to being a full-fledged member of TNA. In related news, Christian Cage is really enjoying making movies.
– Eric Young died and came back to life, which made me ask FLEA this question:
Me: Eric Young of TNA died and came back to life…does that make anyone a winner in the dead pool?
FLEA: nope. he has to stay dead
besides, who knows who the f*ck that guy is to pick him?
Me: Well, it’s always possible. It’s like Vegas, always need the inside men. Somebody could’ve known surgery is immanent and hoped for the Candido death at the last minute, throwing in their picks
FLEA: heh – candido. what a way to go after a life of abuse
Me: Yeah he deserved it. I just wish they had video of Tammy eating his hospital food
FLEA: food? there are drugs in that joint. she was occupied, I’m sure
Ah FLEA, always the voice of reason. So if you had Eric Young on the inside tip, you don’t win.
THIS JUST IN…
We have gotten word that there are, at least, discussions going on between WWE and James Duck, who wrestles indies in the Midwest as “Big Time”, over usage of the name.  He owns the trademark to it in wrestling and has notified WWE of that since they are using it as their WrestleMania promotional theme.  I am no lawyer, but it sure seems like he has a case to me.
Now that comes from Scherer, the hard bodied IWC man that he is. I personally think that James Duck has a new contract in the mail now. He’ll be released shortly. Dumbass indy f*cks will ALWAYS take the contract over the court case. Even against WWE’s crack legal team. Fuck, I could sue them for cruel and unusual punishment over the last 4 years and McDipshit would f*ck it up for WWE. I’d have half the company in my back pocket by the end of it. Then Warrior would get the other half. Now THAT’S a booking team!
– TNA has no money apparently. Because rather than coding their own videos for their website, they use Youtube. Cheap bastards.
– Speaking of my pride and joy, WWE seems to be cracking down on them as several video links lead to ” This video has been removed due to copyright infringement.” and “The user has removed this video.” Basically if YouTube doesn’t pull it, WWE emails the poster and says they’ll take their wives. And the little bitches pull the videos.
– World Wrestling Entertainment released OVW developmental talent Chris Cage over the weekend. He was recently half of the OVW Southern Tag Team Champions, along with Mike The Miz, who will be debuting on Smackdown soon.
Apparently this was a disciplinary move. Who’s bag did he shit in?
– Paul Heyman gets bagels from Stars in Ardsley, NY. I can confirm this through a good friend. In addition, Heyman looks OLD in person. Like Johnny Carson old. Remember, Johnny Carson is dead. However, Heyman did mention that something with ECW might be happening at Wrestlemania. So, if you want an extreme bagel and good chats, go to Stars.
– WWE has resigned Palumbo and Shannon Moore. Jindrak and Test may be on the way. WWE seems to be trying to sign guys that are naturally big because of the wellness program. Ok WWE, we got it. Eddie’s dead, scare the boys, business as usual. Don’t go signing tall guys because Eddie died. Let guys cycle back on the steroids. We won’t tell, we promise. Believe me, Congress is too pissed off with Barry Bonds to give a shit about you. Don’t forget this either, Raw pulls in GREAT ratings when people die.
– Note to Ashley Massaro: Posting a MySpace blog every hour on the hour is quite annoying for my mailbox. I know Matt may have told you that it would boost your career, but it won’t. He had Lita banging someone to fuel him in his rants. You have…ummm…no rants. It’s boring. Shush your face.
So we here at Inside Pulse are doing a feature on WCW, commemorating its 5-year death anniversary. I really have nothing to say on the issue.
Personally, the history of wrestling doesn’t matter to me. I remember what entertained me and WCW rarely did. The nWo was cool for a minute and a half until I realized that it really wasn’t too special. I logged on to the internet and found out all the real shit going on and it really didn’t faze me.
I was and am a WWE guy through and through; even with all the ridiculous shit they’ve thrown my way. WCW just never did it for me. Here is a list of things, through my time glimpsing at it, that I though were cool in WCW:
– Aforementioned nWo for a minute.
– Luger jumping ship on the first Nitro
– Goldberg, the early days.
– Crow Sting when he just chilled in the rafters.
– Flair outside of character.
– Cruiserweights being given the time to entertain and the matches that came from it.
Now I could make a list of shit I hated, but I don’t want to make this a two-part Crucifix.
In fact, adios!
