The American public CLEARLY wants them to stick around for water cooler chat.
Kellie is by far the DUMBEST person to walk the planet. Jessica Simpson pulled in ratings and got her national fame for frickin’ tuna, Kellie’s gonna do it with minx and tarantulas. This girl makes Chrissy Snow look like Mensa. People are dying to keep her around to see what stupid thing she will say next. Even Ryan tried…”Uh, Kellie, anything you’ve experienced this past week that you’d like to tell people? Did you see a stop light? Uh… anything stupid you’d like to say? Like did you go to a McDonald’s or Starbucks for the first time? Did you eat anything odd like a Caesar salad? Do you know who Julius Caesar is? Do you know what a salad is?”
Nice try, Ry, but Kellie wasn’t fallin for it. The only brilliance coming out of her mouth was, after scanning the audience, “Oh, looook a PEEECKLE!”…”My name IS like a Peeeeckle!”
How much stupidity can the world take with her? Let’s see… multiply times 4, carry the 2, divided by Pi (peach pi)….I’d say about 5 or 6 more weeks.
Taylor. This guy is on my nerves. He’s smiley, funny, can actually sing, but I’m done with him. He’s not my Idol. I do not want to hump his leg. I do not want him in a boat, I do not want him with a goat, I do not want Taylor as my Idol. However, I am apparently not American, and am not amused by his lounge singer act that one can only find reminiscent of Bill Murray’s character on SNL. I swear, I want him to sing Star Wars. Don’t get Taylor. Done with Taylor.
People are keeping him around because they count the number of epileptic seizures, Whoooo’s, and his “I’m just happy to be here” for their drinking game. This is the only conclusion I can come up with for his duration in the competition.
Kevin Covais. Kellie is to clueless with the world what Kevin is to clueless with the mockery of him. Thex Thymbol? I think not. Gangsta’ hip hop? Whatevah. He butchers songs while dancing around with gold chains, thinking he’s a stud and acting like Larry from Three’s Company… wait that’s 2 references in one column. Ok…how ’bout Screech or Irkel. This is the fascination with Kevin Covais. I picture him in an orange and black striped shirt with Katharine holding a football for him…Good Grief.
Ace. It’s sad that Ace, who once was the front runner in the competition, is now only the front runner on marriage proposals. Oh, and Paula did NOT like that. Can you picture her during the breaks? “Ok… what’s my competition like… who else wants to marry this hottie… Let’s see 1, 2, 3, 4….5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10….12, 14,16, 20, 29… Jesus… does everyone think they can just come in here and propose? I counted 34 signs, Ace, not including mine”. Paula starts singing “Will you marry me, boy” as she holds up a sign. I don’t know what’s happened to Ace since making the final 24, but I’ve written a haiku about it:
Back to your old hair
Get rid of the vacant stare
Lose falsetto face
Ok, now, you guys should see me counting on my fingers the 5, 7, 5 iambic pentameter for THAT one… looked like a 2nd grader.
But Ace is clearly in the competition for the chic demographic that Fox yearns for, thrives for and buys their diet coke promotions for. He has an average voice, but that’s what overly produced artists like Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson are for. Oh, and lip-synching.
Vocals alone don’t sell records. There’s an image, too, y’know. I think the only 2 people in the competition who will have crowds around the block at Tower Records and those people are Chris and Ace. You don’t LAUGH at an Idol and your eyes don’t pop out of your head because you’re so embarrassed for them… like we all do for Kellie, Taylor, and Kevin. And as wonderful as Katharine is, she might as well be the great and all mighty OZ, just a voice behind the curtain. Mandisa and Paris I don’t think will form the lines around the block and Bucky and Lisa… well… come on.
On to the performances:
Mandisa – I Don’t Hurt Anymore
Looking more gorgeous than ever. Clearly trying to woo Simon, and it worked. He really is falling for her. There’s definitely something there. But she looked stunning, she actually reminded me of Whitney Houston… 3 of ’em.
Bucky – Oh Boy!
At first I thought this was a commentary on his singing. Then, I realized, he’s going home.
Paris – Fever
I think she’s really starting to remind us all of Fantasia more and more. Do we really want another Fantasia? I still love Paris in the summer.
Chris – I Walk The Line
There’s something Dave Navarro about Chris. I didn’t particularly care for the version of I Walk the Line, thought Ring of Fire would be better, but I guess he’s playing up on the whole Oscar crap… probably figured it’s winning everywhere… why not here? Chris basically has the competition in the bag. I’m trying to find something wrong with him. He’s married. Happily. Dammit!
Katharine – Come Rain or Come Shine
Oh, WHO were you thinking of Kat? Ace? Kevin? Simon? Brangelina? Your arms were flappin all over the place, almost more than Taylor’s! Girl, get some passion. Even Lisa has more moves and energy than you do! The dress was gorgeous, your hair was gorgeous, and your bouncing boobs were gorgeous.
Taylor – Not Fade Away
Taylor’s a dork. He’s your goofy drunk friend who always entertains people and he can sing, so they tell him “you should be on Star Search” or “you should be on American Idol” and America apparently is in need of that friend. I, however, am not and will never, ever, ever cast a vote in his thigh slappin’ direction.
Lisa – Why Do Fools Fall in Love
I thought Lisa was gonna knock this one out of the park! But, instead I looked at this performance as the perfect opportunity to take a bathroom break… which is code for “get another beer and some nuts”.
Kevin – When I Fall In Love
Oh, Kevin… were YOU thinking about someone, too? Was it Katharine? Ace? Ryan? Though the performance wasn’t as much of a train wreck as I was expecting, someone, please get him a clue. I think when he goes home, that poor girlfriend of his will never have a chance to get this stud back.
Elliott – Teach Me Tonight
Elliott, this is what I will teach you. Pick a song that people have heard of, can sing along at home and is not a bore. The fact that you sang it well is fine and dandy. The fact that the 1st half of it was a bore. Not so dandy, now is it? Oh, and keep the goatee.
Kellie – Walkin’ After Midnight
I think this was her best performance to date. Her vocals, dance moves, dropping the mike, and all around stupidity. Way to keep ’em talkin’ Kel!
Ace – In The Still Of The Night
Well, Ace, you’re back. I think you and Chris are rubbing off on each other. Which is a sight. Chris was wearing one of your shirts again during his stint with Manilow. And both you and Chris were the only 2 who “made that song your own”. Keep up the good work, wash your hair, go back to the beanie, back to the layered shirts, call me.
This week was very impressive.
I think once the few weak ones are removed, this is gonna be a competition like no other. Filled with more surprises than a Cracker Jack box. Only I want my prize to be a beanie wearin’ boy from Colorado!
