Welcome to AM RAW, the show for those that don’t have the patience for mid-carders and new talent!
Generic WWE intro lets us know it is rasslin’ time. Why aren’t great champions like the Ultimate Warrior and Yokozuna featured in this intro?
We are shown a recap of the main event from Saturday Night’s Main Event. No, not the title match verses title match extravaganza, but HBK verses Shane-O-Mac. Glad to see everyone’s priorities are straight. Still, there production team is so good they could make me want to buy WCW Road Wild 97. Ride the Lex Express to victory over the big, bad nWo!
We were live from Memphis, TN on Monday, but now it is tape-delayed and cut and pasted together. Such is life.
We start with a party…in Vince’s pants! And there is a band! No, literally, a jazz band is here and is playing “Saints Go Marching,” with confetti and balloons raining down from the ceiling and Vince and Shane McMahon dancing their way to the ring. Vince dances like a peacock walks. His ass is out and everything. Jeez that is a lot of confetti. They killed an entire acre of forest just to celebrate Shane’s win at SNME over a wrestler with a bad back who will soon be semi-retired. You know they didn’t use any recycled paper for this, either. Vince will not sully himself with anything but the freshest confetti in town. Oh, and the Spirit Squad is here to celebrate along with father and son. Guess we couldn’t go a week without a little cheer in our lives. So we cut to Shane discussing how the McMahons are now 3-0 against HBK. Jesus is down, but he is never out! Shane says Vince will ANNIHALATE Shawn at Vince’s greatest creation, WRESTLEMANIA! Vince has the mike and talks about how he has put Shawn on the “highway to hell.” They will take any reference to the glory year that was 1998 they can in a heartbeat. He explains that Shane didn’t screw Shawn, and he didn’t screw Shawn. No, SHAWN screwed Shawn. Shawn is going to reach the dead end at WrestleMania, where he will crash! “Michaels will be nothing more than a morally bankrupt, miserable BLEEP!” Those pesky USA censors. Now no one will ever know what Shawn will become at WM. Vince says everyone will be contaminated when he is the victor. That must mean Vince is celebrating his win by letting the entire audience run a train on Lita after WM. Oh, FYI, the match at WM is now No Holds Barred. I hope Shawn gets Zeus in his corner. HBK has another stop on the highway tonight, as he will face off with his good bu…his ARCH NEMESIS, Triple H! I bet there is a burger stand at this stop.
And the Champ has decided to be…here! He even gets a decent reaction, probably for stopping this never ending McMahonpalooza. I wonder if they are piping in more cheers like they used to on SmackDown! Upon Cena’s arrival to the ring, Vince fumes, “You kicked a couple of balloons on the way here. I don’t like that!” The problem for Cena is that Vince is serious. Johnny-boy is here because, he explains, “If anybody gets to put their hands on Triple H tonight, it’s gonna be me!” I guess Trip has decided to run to Cena now that Stephanie is so far along in the pregnancy. Shane tells Cena they can do things the easy way, or the hard way. Shane is so cool. Vince then decides to help Cena out and make a tag match, Cena/Michaels v. Trips/Shane. So we have the brother-in-laws verses the best friend and the pet project. Shane does not look thrilled about this. It makes you wonder if he ever thinks about leaving this crazy company all together and opening up a chain of frozen yogurt stands along the East Coast.
It is RVD verses Ric Flair verses Shelton Benjamin for the IC title tonight. Wait, these guys are still on the show?!
This Monday we get a Cena/Vince match. They certainly know how to deliver what the audience wants, don’t they? Since they are trying to make Cena into Austin, is there a chance the Big Show will bust out from under the ring? Or will the hire that Abyss guy away from TNA to do it?
We are only eight days away from WrestleMania 22! You can taste the excitement, and it tastes like Chicago!
Here comes Shelton, sans mama! If you only watch AW RAW then you would not even known he is still on the roster at this point. He must be moving up in the world. Both RVD and Mr. Flair are already in the ring, so it is go time. Flair starts the action off with some chops to Shelton and then lets RVD get a punch and a kick to Shelton’s throat in for good measure. Flair throws Shelton off the ropes and hits him with an elbow. The faces are just pounding on the little old defenseless heel. We are informed that Shelton’s mama is recovering from surgery, which explains her absence tonight. Isn’t this the second time she has recovered from surgery in the last month? Shelton gets hit with a corkscrew leg drop courtesy of RVD. Flair jumps on Benjy for the pin but RVD is like “no you didn’t, that is my man” and breaks it up. Shelton is out of the ring and Flair follows suit to keep up the offensive with a few punches. Back in, and RVD delivers a spinning heel kick, a corkscrew leg drop and the Rolling Thunder to Flair for a two count. Shelton actually hasn’t done anything in this match yet. Flair rolls out of the ring to hang with Shelton, so RVD decides it would be fun to deliver on over the top summersault Senton bomb on them. Wait, RVD is a five time IC champ? They were just passing that belt around for a while, weren’t they?
We go to a commercial for the new movie “Slither.” Why would anyone make this film? You know what looks good though? “Snakes on a Plane.” SLJ is a BMF.
Bret Hart is coming home to the WWE. Didn’t he used to live in the WWF?
We are back and Shelton has Flair up in an inverted suplex. He lands it and goes for the pin, but RVD hops in to break it up. The Stoned One kicks Shelton in the face, then hits a belly to belly suplex into a pin attempt, which Flair breaks up. Flair is bleeding for some reason. Spinning heel kick by RVD to Flair, which is followed by a Rolling Thunder. Rob has gone through his entire move set, save the finisher, twice now. Benjy eats a windmill kick from Rob. RVD then goes up and hits the split-legged moonsault on Flair, who kicks out at the two count. Shelton is in with the title belt, but RVD puts a stop to that nonsense. Flair rolls up a distracted RVD for two, but is laid out right after. RVD is up for the Frog Splash to the Nature Boy, but Ric rolls out of the way and applies the figure four. Shelton is in, but instead of breaking up the submission, he covers Flair for the pin while he still has the figure four on RVD! The match was a little disjointed to start, with RVD carrying the whole thing, but the pace picked up and the ending was fun.
Triple H/Cena commercial, which explains that Triple H is the greatest thing since sliced bread and that Cena has…passion. That makes it seem like a fair fight. “At WrestleMania, the King of Kings goes back on his throne!” If Jesus came back at WrestleMania, could you still respect him, or would you have to question his motives? Would he give Vince a shot to the head with a chair for all the lives he has ruined? Is HBK his favorite wrestler? Would HBK be pissed if he wasn’t?
Another Cena/Vince commercial. Welcome to the feud that will carry Raw for the rest of 2006.
Big Show is here, entrance and all! He must be wrestling someone extraordinarily lame for him to be the one to get the intro music. Earlier in the show the AM RAW audience did not get to see Kane fight Carlito, which ended with a choke slam. Guess who did it to whom? Big Show is taking on Chris Masters, so that lame comment was correct. Show kicks Masters in the gut, then hits a few chops in the corner. The Masterpiece is thrown into another corner and BS charges in and eats foot. Clotheslines by Masters do nothing, and on the third attempt Chris eats a sidekick from Show. Butt squash by Show in the corner, and Masters decides to duck outside for a bit. Show follows and throws Masters into the railing. BS charges but Masters moves, so Show is stuck straddling the railing. That must be a treat for the kids up front. “Look daddy, Big Show hurt his balls!” Show is back in the ring, with Masters outside grabbing a chair. He tries to hide said chair from the ref, but the man in stripes notices the foreign object when Masters nails Show in the head with it. That makes this a DQ ending. Masters then follows up with a chair shot to Show’s back and an attempt at the Masterlock. Oops, he could not get it locked in, so he just throws Show headfirst into the ring post. Masters then screams, “Nobody breaks the Masterlock! Nobody!” The crowd was as silent as death throughout this match. That Kane/Carlito brouhaha must have REALLY sucked if they stuck this thing on the show.
Mickie James is skipping in the back, headed toward the ring. Surprises galore await the lucky viewers!
John Cena will be a guest on “Nashville Star.” This must be some kind of talent exchange. Just out of curiosity, exactly what will the rapping white boy John Cena do on this show? It’s not like he fits into the same demographic they are targeting. Maybe this will begin a gimmick change for Cena into the old Jeff Jarrett! He can grow the hair and become the NWA Northwestern International SuperCard Middleweight Champion!
A commercial for “Lucky Number Sleven” looks awesome. Plus, Lucy Liu looks hot again!
WrestleMania 22 is sponsored by Snickers. Even Bill Simmons of ESPN fame is excited about WM! That means you have to be excited too!
There is a huge gift box in the ring. Mickie gets her entrance music, which means she is better than Masters. We get a recap of Mickie’s turn on Trish at SNME. Well, it certainly did take them long enough. Mickie explains how, even though she and Trish can no longer be friends, every cloud has a silver lining. For Mickie that silver lining is becoming the Women’s Champion at WrestleMania and, unlike Trish, she will not push girls aside that idolize her. She will love them. Make them happy! Well, there must be a new DVD in the works. “Mickie James: The Fan Experience.” It’s a roller coaster ride as Mickie hangs out with Randy Orton and meets all the female fans she can handle, spreading the love across the nation. It’s Divas Unleashed on minors! Hopefully it will end up on Cinemax. Mickie has a present for Trish, hence the large box. Since Trish won’t come down and open it, Mickie has it opened from above. She got Trish a pair of breast! Wait, it’s just Ashley, tied up and gagged, just the way those wrestlers like ’em! Mickie starts taunting Ashley a bit. “What are you so mad for? Do you think I’m a psycho NOW, Ashley?” All the announcers agree that, yes, Mickie James is indeed a psycho. They are too judgmental. So Trish finally runs down and yanks Mickie out of the ring. She proceeds to beat Mickie down, even bloodying Mickie’s nose in the process. Trish tries to untie Ashley but is attacked from behind by Miss James and eats a big old DDT. The bloody nose makes Mickie look even more psycho, which is a nice touch. That was a nice little segment.
We go to a commercial for Orton/Rey/Angle. Rey’s entire segment is dedicated to Eddie. So are his car, house, phone bill, and dinner tonight at Olive Garden. No one, evidently, is better than Orton. Angle is a wrestling machine. Something has got to give! That something, though, is probably Rey’s push.
Back from the break, and he thinks he’s cute…Shawn is the only one of the four that warrants an entrance today. Wait, so Triple H doesn’t get one? Did he and Stephanie get a divorce or something? Everyone else is in the ring and HBK goes right after Vince, who is standing at ringside. Security pins Shawn to the ground, however. Cena, meanwhile, is having an epileptic seizure trying to get HHH in the ring. The crowd actually chants for Cena, which must boost both his and HHH’s egos to unknown heights. Well, unknown to all but Vince, who passed them in 1985. Right when Cena is about to attack Trip, Shane hops in the ring and eats Cena’s fist to start the match. Vince stops the whole thing, however, and says Cena just cheated by using a closed fist. Vince fails to realize that the bell rang AFTER said closed fist was used, but it is Vince’s company so what the hell. Cena is disqualified, and the winners are Vince’s children, by blood or by law. Cena is escorted away by security, with a warning from Vince that, if Cena interferes with Vince’s activities tonight, there will be “hell to pay.” Guess that means we will see Cena again tonight. Now, there is going to be a handicap match between Shawn Michaels and Trip/Shane. Security is still holding Shawn, so Trip hops out of the ring and helps security out by attacking Shawn and throwing him into the ring. Shane goes on the offensive and is repeatedly using a closed fist. Coach comments, “The McMahons’ abusing power? Never.” Trip is in the ring and is choking Shawn with his own shirt, which is followed by some closed fists to Shawn’s head. Vince continues to shout instructions to his family and make snide remarks over the mike. Triple H hits the usual spine buster. Shane is tagged in and kicks Shawn in the gut while he is on all fours. Vince shouts “Three points!” which made me chuckle. Shane holds Shawn in a headlock and the H man (not a heroin dealer) walks in and punches Shawn in his gut. Shawn and Trip exchange chops in the corner and Shawn is able to bounce Tip off the ropes. Of course, this leads to a face crusher/knee thing by Trip, but it was the thought that counts. Shawn is now outside the ring, so Shane takes advantage and rams him face first into the ring post. Trip rolls HBK back into the ring. The King says the crowd is stunned, though it just sounds like the crowd is kind of bored with the whole business. Shane is in the ring, but Shawn starts his comeback, trading punches with Shane and hitting the flying forearm off the ropes. Both are laid out, but Shawn hops up first. Both brother-in-laws eat inverted atomic drops and Trip is thrown from the ring. Shawn heads up for the elbow and nails Shane with it. HBK sets up for the Sweet Chin Music, but HHH pulls Shawn from the outside, crotch first into the ring post. Now Trip is in the ring and knees Shawn in his fellas, which are taking quiet a bit of damage. Shane is up top for the elbow, but the crowd pipes up, meaning Cena is here to push Shane off the top rope. Cena clotheslines Shane out of the ring. Security rushes in, which allows Shawn and John to clean house, hitting both the Sweet Chin Music and the FU. Sucks to be an indy worker. Vince is with his family on the ramp and is none too happy with Cena for his interference. Vince blathers, “Next week, next week Cena, you are gonna go one on one with…with…ME!” Oh, so that is how we got to the match that has been on the 17 commercials for Raw this Monday. Wait, isn’t the feud between Vince and Shawn? Joey Styles is obviously trying to keep his job when he comments, “Has Mr. McMahon’s mouth written a check that his Muscle and Fitness body can’t back up?” That’s it Joey, keep sucking up. Now they definitely won’t replace you with JR.
So that is that. Raw must have been awfully slow this week, because this show had more than a few moments that just dragged along. Do they know that they have basically sold the entire Shawn/Vince match on the fact that people think Bret Hart is going to interfere in some way? There are going to be a lot of angry customers if they do not deliver on that quasi-promise. Besides that, the whole Cena/Vince feud looks like it might be on the horizon. That does not inspire too much excitement. Where were Edge and Mick Foley this week, anyway? Did they get demoted?
That’s all for AM RAW. Have a great week!
