Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
I tried two things over the past week that I really ended up liking a lot: V for Vendetta and Doritos Fiery Habanero [sic]. Check them both out, because they both rule.
Let’s start out with some mail…
My old friend Jeremy (aka “[edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003), just to be safe, although it wasn’t anything too offensive],” as he was nicknamed by us in our 99% white town) swore up and down that Jay-Z looked like a grown-up Webster.
That’s all I would think when I saw the guy, for the last however-many years. Webster.
Now it’s Webster with cameltoe.
THANKS A LOT
(Miss Shizzle-My-Nizzle)
Glad I could help.
On a side note, did you know that cats love to eat earwax? True story. At least 50% of all cats do, as my research has yielded.
FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR: INTERNATIONAL PRIZE AWARD DEPT WINNING NOTIFICATION FOR CATEGORY “A” WINNER ONLY
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My god! Hamina hamina… What are the chances? This is the eighth time that I’ve been randomly chosen! Why, I barely know what do with the 17.5 American dollars that I’ve already won! I must have the best luck in the world! I think I’m going to jump off of the nearest cliff, because my luck is so good that I’ll live to tell about it, and then all of the daytime talk shows will want me to be their guest and tell of my harrowing story of how I jumped off of a cliff and lived to tell about it! Then I will buy Tuvalu, and all of the “.tv” web addresses will be subject to my astronomically high taxes, and I will make even more money! Then I can finally stop shopping at Aldi! I’m going to go quit my job and rip up my degree right now!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES EDITION)
In this edition of “Dramatis Personae,” I’ve likened my fellow writers to some of the most traumatic things that have ever happened to me.
That one time that I almost got shot outside of Walgreen’s because I was honking at some gangbanger that was driving around like an idiot, and he got out of the car and started talking shit and flashed a piece, so I pulled a mad U-turn and got the f*ck out of there, and I just wanted to get home and eat my Maruchan Yakisoba took care of The Weekly Music Pulse last weekend, with stories of how Kevin Federline is a worthless piece of shit, along with college crushes and how Creed ruined his life and should permanently disband. What’s that? They already did? Good job, M(S^2)!
That one time when I was 4 when a horse stepped on my foot at the stable and my toenail got all black and fell off once again turns in my favorite column in the entire section, as this week he follows the musical tastes of his younger brother and tries to figure out why those damn kids like classic rock so much. Plus, there might even be a “50 Cent Looks Like” joke in there…! Maybe. Probably not, but maybe.
That one time when I was about 3 years old and I spilled an entire bowl of ramen on the brand new living room carpet and my mom started shrieking and bawling and I locked myself in my bedroom all day because I knew she was going to hit me, and my dad finally got the door open and she broke a wooden spoon over my ass has a blurry photo of a Dream Theater concert and more of those damn MySpace bands that try to add you even though your musical tastes have nothing in common with what kind of music they play, in this week’s edition of Summertime Blues, News, and Views. And hey… look at that! We agree about Fear Factory! ph33r!
That one time when I had just come back home from eating 20 of those 911 buffalo shrimp and a bowl of curly fries at Hooters, and I was taking my pill with a glass of orange soda, and I was watching Family Guy, and the episode where Peter can only play piano when he’s drunk was on, and just as I was swallowing my pill with a mouthful of soda, the part comes on where he’s at the museum with his class when he’s a little kid, and he asks the curator why all the dinosaurs died out, and the curator says, “Because you touch yourself at night!” and I starting laughing so hard that the soda came out my nose with the pill, and then I started violently choking and projectile vomiting all over my coffee table expounds on one of the best concert experiences that he’s ever had, and also has a special U.N.K.L.E. shout-out in there.
That one time when I was driving home from Illinois State in a snowstorm, and a lorry kicked up a shitload of sludge at my windshield, and I swerved and hit some ice on the shoulder and my car spun around three or four times and ended up in a ditch about 12 feet down, and I had to call for a tow truck and get it pulled out continues with his New Classics (New American Metal Movement) series, this time looking at an album by Massachusetts-based band Shadows Fall.
NEWS TO USE
R. Kelly’s much less-talented brother, Carey Kelly, is currently circulating a DVD in which he accuses his brother of several different offenses, including an attempt to bribe Carey to lie on the stand and take the fall for him in his child-pornography case. In a video produced by Drahma magazine, Kelly’s brother says that the singer tried to get him to say that it was him in the now infamous video, by offering him a record contract, a new house, and $50,000 in cash. A representative for R. Kelly, however, replied by questioning Carey’s credibility, saying that he is “a troubled guy with lots of problems,” just recently got out of jail for theft, lives in his car, and blames R. Kelly for the fact that he sucks at music and that was blacklisted from the industry. Other allegations made by Carey in the video include that R. Kelly physically abuses his wife, has molested a 12-year-old cousin of the two, has tried to molest one of their nieces, is bisexual, and pronounces “Italian”: EYE-tal-yan. What a f*cking rube. I hope he gets the chair for that last one.
U.S. District Judge Todd Campbell recently ordered all copies of the late Notorious B.I.G.’s debut album, Ready to Die, to be pulled off of retail shelves as a result of a ruling that found it contained an unauthorized sample from an Ohio Players song. The jury in the case awarded the plaintiffs, two companies that own the rights to the Ohio Players’ catalogue, $4.2 million on Friday, along with a cease-and-desist to all retailers, as well as descargar musica services and radio stations that have the album. While Ready to Die contains several samples, the sample from the Ohio Players’ “Singing in the Morning” (used in “Ready to Die”) has neither cleared nor credited in the liner notes. While the original suit had implicated the estate of The Notorious B.I.G. (né Christopher Wallace) as a defendant, it was later dropped from the suit, and remaining were three companies owned by the Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Dickbag, who produced and published the album. An attorney representing the aforementioned Dickbag told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “We think [that the verdict] is without merit. … Now, if you don’t mind, I have to go attend the 8th Annual Diddy Is God Celebration, where the world comes together to recognize Diddy as the true deity that he is. I will be holding a mirror in front of him all night, and my naked wife will be feeding him grapes and showering him with Alizé.”
Fans waiting to purchase the new album, 3121, by The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince And Currently Known Once Again As Just Prince, at a midnight on-sale at Tower Records in Hollywood, were treated to a special surprise concert by him. Sheila E was also on-hand as the two played several songs, including classics such as “Purple Rain” and “Let’s Go Crazy,” to an audience of over 500 people, all crammed into the store. The rest of the people had to stand outside in the rain and look in through the windows. A reporter from The Saturday Swindle Sheet spoke with fan Manuel Alvarez, who said, “We would have gotten inside if my girlfriend wouldn’t have taken so f*cking long drawing on her f*cking eyebrows. That’s it… from now on I’m only dating white chicks.”
The Flaming Lips, Beastie Boys, and My Chemical Romance all put on surprise performances at last weekend’s South by Southwest festival in Austin, Texas. They were among 1400 acts that played at various venues over the weekend. In other news, InsidePulse Music ace reporter Jeremy Botter was once again repeatedly besmirched as numerous attendees asked him if he has ever met or personally knows Aaron Cameron. That one just never gets old.
The bums will once again be kicked out of Grant Park between Aug. 4 and 6, as Lollapalooza will return to Chicago. Recently added to the bill were the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Kanye West, and Wilco, who will join a lineup already consisting of acts including The Flaming Lips, Queens of the Stone Age, Common, Death Cub for Cutie, and The Shins. When asked to comment for an EXCLUSIVE press release by The Saturday Swindle Sheet, Kanye West told reporters that Hurricane Metaxa was all Bush’s fault, and that Kanye West is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don’t know, that sliced bread sure is awesome, and plus, it doesn’t use the same f*cking sped-up Motown samples for all of its songs.
Babyshambles/ex-Libertines singer/professional melt Pete Doherty kicked a reporter for the BBC’s Radio One outside of the Thames Magistrates’ Court in London on Thursday, after having pled guilty to seven charges of illegal drug possession, including heroin, crack, and pot. Reporter Trudi Barber said that the outside of the court was full of reporters after the hearing, and was “total chaos,” as Doherty kicked her in the elbow as she stood in his way, knocking her microphone out of her hand. He then ran down the street, followed by numerous reporters, jumped into his car, and started running people over. I might have made up part of the preceding story.
Bobby Brown is taking a short break from beating his wife, doing exorbitant amounts of drugs, and self-destructing on national TV in order to reunite with New Edition for a single performance in early July. Brown and his former group are among several acts confirmed for the Essence Music Festival, to be held July 1-3 in Houston. Also included in the lineup are Earth, Wind & Fire, Mary J. Blige, LL Cool J, Steve Harvey, Jamie Foxx, Fear Factory, Yolanda Adams, Maze (f/Frankie Beverly), and The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Piece of Shit. The preceding story contained one factual error. If you can figure out what it is, e-mail D’Estroyer and tell him that Soul of a New Machine is better than Obsolete. Just my two cents…
American Idol 5 contestant Chris Daughtry (a.k.a. “The Bald Guy”) is being chastised by various media outlets and chat rooms for Tuesday’s rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Walk the Line,” which many pointed out was strangely reminiscent of a version that Live did on a 2001 tribute compilation. He had sung Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground,” just like the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ cover version, on a previous episode, but had credited the band as his inspiration, as opposed to Stevie Wonder. I think this is just shows that the judges are completely oblivious to all music aside from Motown, disco, some ’80s R&B, and bubblegum pop. It’s because of that that this entire show is a f*cking joke and should be cancelled so that I can get back my f*cking Boston Public.
The Killers have been signed to headline the upcoming Ultra Music Festival, this Saturday at Miami’s Bicentennial Park. Other performers confirmed for the event are The Prodigy, Grooverider, Paul van Dyk, DJ Rap, Hot Hot Heat, Danny Tenaglia, Carl Cox, BT, Perry Ferrell, Richie Hawtin, and Keoki, who sucks big dick, both literally and figuratively.
Rapper/Master P’s even less talented little brother C-Murder (né Corey Miller) was released from prison this past week and will stay under house arrest until he receives a new trial for second-degree murder. Miller was allowed to go home after (stay with me here) a high court overruled a ruling by an appeals court that overruled a judgement by Judge Martha Sassone that called for a retrial of the 2003 case in which he rapper was convicted. Sassone argued that witnesses who said they saw C-Murder shoot and kill a 16-year-old outside of a nightclub in Harvey, Louisiana, had criminal records that the prosecutors in the original case did not disclose to the defense.
To me, this looks like the face of man who loves fluffy little kittens.
Memo to Mathan Erhardt: This is not meant to be taken racially. He could be white or Hispanic or green and my sarcastic point would still be solid.
Snoop Dogg has teamed with Jakks Pacific inc. to release a series of dog-related items with his name and face on them. Items planned for the Snoop Dogg line include dog food and treats, toys, leashes, beds, and clothing. Anyone who puts clothing on their dog deserves to have their face torn off of their skull while they’re sleeping by said dog. Come on, you can get a face transplant for that shit these days, so it’s not that bad.
Mike Skinner (a.k.a. the British hip-hop/electronic act The Streets) recently admitted on his MySpace page that he was responsible for the theft of a large stuffed tiger from a gas station off of a German expressway. “Apologies to the German authorities,” he posted, right next to a picture of himself sitting on the thing. “[T]his tiger was stolen from a motorway service station at approximately 3 a.m. the other night between Hamburg and Köln. … We understand he was worth 200 Euros, but if you get in contact, then maybe we can return [him] in exchange for amnesty. … He was looking very lonely on the top shelf next to the porn and engine oil.”
Quick Bits
Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler is in the hospital and was undergoing surgery this week for a condition that his publicist will not disclose. Ergo, The Saturday Swindle Sheet will take a guess and say that he got shot in the neck with a harpoon gun. You heard it here first.
will.i.am, lead lyricist/producer of The Black Eyed Peas, recently announced plans to produce upcoming albums by Snoop Dogg, Justin Timberlake, and The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Waste of Skin.
The R&B group Destiny’s Child will receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Tuesday, right next to Laszlo Panaflex.
Rapper Ice Cube will perform two new songs (from his upcoming album, Laugh Now, Cry Later, to be released June 6) at Spike TV’s AutoRox automotive awards, which will be broadcast on April 18.
Barbra Streisand’s manager has told reporters that she is entertaining the idea of a concert tour for this upcoming fall. When asked to comment on the story, Johnny Rotten told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet to go f*ck themselves.
The MTV Video Music Awards are coming back to New York City this year, after being held in Miami for the past two years. In other equally exciting news, I tried caviar for the first time last week. It was f*cking terrible.
Fantasia Barrino will play herself in a Lifetime-produced movie based on the American Idol 3 winner’s memoir, Life Is Not a Fairy Tale.
Rolling Stone magazine has announced plans to produce a new reality television program with MTV. The as-of-yet-untitled show will feature a group of journalists who are vying for a job at the magazine. I had Burger King tacos for dinner today.
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BILL-BORED
I had an awful lot of free time on Sunday, so I decided to write up an idea for a new segment. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I had the entire thing finished. I had been entertaining this idea previously, where I would illegally download all of the songs from the current Billboard Top 20 Singles list (mostly because I refuse to give Dem Franchise Boys any of my money, even if it’s only a buck on iTunes), and then comment on them. And if anyone from the RIAA is reading this, I didn’t actually illegally download the songs; I was just lying, as I have been known to do. I am also the grandson of El Santo, my sweat smells like calla lilies, and I was born with a tail. We’ll start with #20 and work our way up the list…
#20 Carrie Underwood, “Jesus, Take the Wheel”
I guess for what it’s worth, this works with the rest of the tripe that’s currently circulating around your local country radio station. I don’t like it, but it’s an adequately executed country-cum-contemporary Christian tune to placate the Republicans and sorority girls around the country.
#19 Kelly Clarkson, “Walk Away”
Part of me is pretty miffed that she aped the beat from “Kiss,” but another, bigger part of me, oddly enough, is actually enjoying what she’s done with it. Katie, bar the door, hell hath frozen over, because I actually like this. Sorry, Mitch.
#18 Busta Rhymes, “Touch It”
I have a history of supporting just about everything that Busta Rhymes put out up until post-Extinction Level Event, when he starting doing things like making songs with Lenny Kravitz and sampling the Ohio Players, but I’m actually liking this. The beat just screams of Pharrell and Co., and much like what they did with The Clipse’s “Grindin’,” simplicity can actually be a good thing. However, I’m not sure what to make of the German Madonna on the hook.
#17 Fall Out Boy, “Dance, Dance”
Fall Out Boy and everything they do is f*cking awful, including this steaming pile of audio dung. The bright side, though, is that when downloading it, I also got a chance to download a .wmv file called “Raver chick with some nice knockers and f*cked in the tits.” Thanks, Limewire!
#16 The Pussycat Dolls, “Beep” [f/will.i.am]
Was that a sample of “Evil Woman” that I heard? Shit. Seriously, shit. I’ve been wanting to do something with that piece for years, but I’ve been beaten to it by this. It’s nothing special, but much like a lot of the other crap in the same genre, it moves, so… yeah.
#15 Jamie Foxx, “Unpredictable” [f/Ludacris]
Who the f*ck does Jamie Foxx think he is? R. Kelly? If so, Salma Hayek had better watch out or she’s going to get pissed on. This is a pretty much your run-of-the-mill, cookie cutter Slow Jam 101. Nothing great, and nothing absolutely horrendous, with the obligatory rap verse thrown in so that guys would buy the album.
#14 Bubba Sparxxx, “Ms. New Booty” [f/Ying Yang Twins, Mr. ColliPark]
This song is a terrible and worthless piece of shit, and if you like it, so are you.
#13 Eminem, “Shake That” [f/Nate Dogg]
Eminem doing a song about dancing and shaking your ass? The f*ck? I could expect this from Juvenile, but Mr. Mathers, you’ve sunken to a new low. It’s a good thing that you retired. And I hope it’s not a Master P or Jay-Z retirement, where we still have to see and hear you all over the place. I hope it’s a Soulja Slim retirement, where we never have to deal with your bitch ass again. Fuck you, Eminem… and f*ck you, Widro. Seriously.
#12 Cascada, “Every Time We Touch”
And ladies and germs, this is your painfully contrived epic trance track du jour, complete with the syrupy anthemic vocals and expendable shards of synth thrown in to make it a hit with the silicone crowd. If you’ve heard anything by DJ Sammy or Ian Van Dahl, you’ve already heard this. If not, don’t listen to any of it, because you’re better off.
#11 Nelly, “Grillz” [f/Paul Wall, Ali, Gipp]
A song about gold teeth? Does it get any more, um… I can’t really think of a word to put in here without possibly offending Mathan Erhardt (Mathan, give me a word for it). In any event, the only way that I might be able to hear this song again without blood spurting from my eye socket is if I heard it at the strip club, where I’d actually be concentrating on a naked dancing chick instead of the music.
#10 Chris Brown, “Yo (Excuse Me Miss)”
How old is this kid? If he’s older than Lil Romeo, he’d better grow a pair, otherwise he’s going to be buried next with Raven-Symoné over at the Disney Channel. Then again, that might not be a bad thing for the kid, as Raven-Symoné has actually grown up pretty decently. I’d probably take a shot if I had a snifter or two of Drambuie first.
#9 Dem Franchise Boyz, “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It” [f/Lil Peanut, Charlay]
Okay, I’ve heard this before in passing, but didn’t know what it was called or who did it. Now that I have a name, I know who to send the anthrax to.
#8 Beyoncé, “Check On It” [f/Slum Thug]
The only song I’ve ever liked that involved Beyonce was “No, No, No (Part something)” and “Crazy In Love.” The rest of it is junk. This is certainly junk, as well. And Slim Thug, you’re not helping anything at all…
#7 Natasha Bedingfield, “Unwritten”
“These Words” was a fantastic, unique, catchy pop tune that I liked so much that it actually got burned onto my iPod. It reminded me of Nelly Furtado circa 2000, and it managed to elevate Miss Bedingfield above the squalor that is the female pop vocal genre. This, on the hand, thrusts her back down into the void. Boo-urns.
#6 T-Pain, “I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper)” [f/Mike Jones]
If I ever have to hear this song again, somebody’s going to get stabbed.
#5 Daniel Powter, “Bad Day”
What would happen if Train sucked even more ass than they already do? This.
#4 Mary J. Blige, “Be Without You”
I’ve always had a soft spot for Mary J., and I like this song. It’s got a nice, catchy beat that makes it a Slow Jam 101, while bringing enough to the table to not blend in with the others currently floating around the airwaves. Mary’s done a good job of maturing since her days of cavorting with the Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Choad Eater.
#3 James Blunt, “You’re Beautiful”
I cannot honestly believe that anyone under the age of 55 would actually enjoy this song. With about as much panache as a piece of milk toast, it bored the ass off of me to the extent that I actually had to turn it off to keep from dozing off. Since not even sorority girls could possibly like this, it is my hypothesis that James Blunt is sleeping with one of the editors for Billboard, and that’s why he’s on their list.
#2 Sean Paul, “Temperature”
I liked it better the first eight times I heard it, when it was eight other songs, all of which sounded the same. Yawn… Still a googolplex times more exciting than James Blunt, though.
#1 Ne-Yo, “So Sick”
This is the number one song in the country? Really? This? Is there some exciting part that was edited out of the copy that I downloaded? It’s nothing but a Slow Jam 101 that will be featured on Now 28, which is neither great nor offensive. It’s just kind of there. Some people probably think it’s great, and more power to them, I guess. It is what it is, though… the musical equivalent of Campbell’s tomato soup.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on iTunes as I wrote this week’s column…
The Animals, “We Gotta Get Outta This Place”
Everything But the Girl, “Temperamental”
Os Mutantes, “Cantor de Mambo”
VNV Nation, “Chrome”
The Prodigy, “The Way It Is”
Type O Negative, “Love You to Death”
Faith Evans, “Love Like This” (Crooklyn Cran Rmx)
The Doors, “People Are Strange”
Kool G Rap, “Fast Life” [f/Nas]
Utah Saints, “Morning Sun”
Stealers Wheel, “Stuck in the Middle With You”
Bad Company, “Feel Like Makin’ Love”
Dead or Alive, “Brand New Lover”
System of Down, “Toxicity”
The Streets, “Sharp Darts”
Cameo, “Word Up” (Extended Mx)
Utsumi, “Candomblé” (Anthony Nicholson Rmx)
The Righteous Brothers, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'”
The Brian Setzer Orchestra, “Jump Jive an’ Wail”
Re-Flex, “The Politics of Dancing”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Red Rover, Red Rover… we call T.O. over!!!
I’m back and I’m better than ever
I’m back and I’m getting this cheddar
I’m back
But this time I’m a Cowboy
I’m back
And I got ’em saying wow boy
I am back with a vengeance
I’m back on a mission
Got the recipe, bro
So I’m back in the kitchen
Trying to take me out the game
People saying I’m missing
Got the whole world’s undivided attention.
It’s a brand new year
Got a brand new team
I’m a Cowboy now
No more black and green
And to the hater who said I wouldn’t get my money
I’m laughing in your face, ha, ha that’s funny
I dominate like Shaq when he down on the block
And this will probably be my best season by far
No more get my Eagle on
Meet me at the star
Platinum, baby!!!
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Kyle David Paul on Monday, followed by the rest of the weekly lineup. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I ever since I can remember I’ve been poppin’ my collar.
Cheers
-JF2k6!
