Funny thing about televised “sports”.
I by no means consider myself a hockey connoisseur, but I do know it’s mathematically more exciting to watch than televised baseball or football (don’t get me started on golf). It’s faster paced, the cameras get in to see the sweat drip and sometimes it’s as rough as professional wrestling. So why then does nobody care for it in the grand ol’ USA, where the blood, sweat and tears of intense competition supposedly sells? Okay so what Canadian really cares? You should. Sure hockey’s a hit in our Great White North, but where ratings actually count in the US, hockey registers lower than reruns of Whoopi.
It’s time to get to the bottom of what really makes sports watchable on TV.
Let’s take a look at two popular reality shows that generated better audiences than pretty much any “spectator sport” outside the Olympics, tournament NCAA or Monday Night Football: Dancing with the Stars and Skating with Celebrities. That’s right, more people would prefer to watch washed up D-listers fumble it up on the dance floor than a nail-biting game of puck-passing fisticuffs or even field-grinding soccer.
Don’t get me wrong. I have tons of respect for the sports that inspired these shows. Professional dancers and skaters (heck even competitive cheerleaders) put on electrifying, gravity-defying displays of raw athleticism, flexibility and artistry. But who wants to watch inhuman athletics when you can see half-assed routines with the WWE’s Stacey Keibler sporting an evening gown not meant to be ripped off or an ex-Full House goofball fall on his ass in tights!? True, the one thing missing from figure skating is more bone-smashing, ass-crunching stumbles; but wouldn’t you rather watch the best perform at their best?
Maybe audiences figure that through Olympics and World Championships overkill, we’ve already seen the best of figure skating, that it’s more fun to watch barely celebrities make fools of themselves. No doubt the artificial drama of watching familiar faces compete helps rev the excitement. Survivor’s proven over and over that when you care about the participants, and you’re rooting for some oddball to win (go Stephenie go!), any old obstacle course can be Super Bowl intense. So maybe all hockey needs is a reality show that pairs three pro superstars with David Hasselhoff and two Baywatch babes against a team with WWE divas or the old cast of Charlie’s Angels. The show’ll be a guaranteed hit and it’ll put hockey on the map and in the public eye!
But wait! With all that bulky equipment and baggy uniforms, nobody will be able to tell the difference between Pamela Anderson and Jaromir Jagr, besides the names on the backs of their jerseys! Ahh, so the second major problemo with hockey is revealed. Not only is it tough for our American friends to identify the heroic superstars with all those pesky elbow-pads and Goalie masks getting in the way, but the outfits aren’t exactly sexy, now, are they? If hockey’s to become a popular televised sport, it demands the female vote, and you can’t get that without athletic sex appeal. The cameras linger on the hunky babyfaces in gear-free baseball. Basketball heartthrobs wear slinky tank tops to flaunt those bulging biceps. And what football wife doesn’t watch the World’s Most Slow-paced Sport for those notorious white bubble butts?
It’s not like hockey has a shortage of hunks. Off the top of my head, dimpled whiner-baby Eric Lindros, spoiled prettyboy Sergei Fedorov and Maple Leaf stud-staple Mats Sundin come to mind, but there are scores of model-able NHL pros to exploit! But before we can do that, these toned athletes just need to clean themselves up. No more missing teeth in those million-dollar smiles! Babyfaces, you gotta shave, and bruiser hunks, put some man-makeup over your black eyes! And get some product in those shags, for God’s sake! If the NHL won’t tone down the gear, and perhaps they shouldn’t (for fear of further disfigurement and ratings plummets), then at least the boys can be ready for the post-game (and penalty box) camera posing!
In all seriousness, I just don’t understand why hockey doesn’t sell. The icy sport in the sunny States argument doesn’t really hold up, considering Americans are as glued to Winter Olympics as we are to our hockey. It’s not like we dominate the sport anymore: there are just as many top-notch American teams as there are Canadian, and we don’t even fully stock their teams with players anymore. The sport is coarser than a Friday Night’s tackle and the superstars are every bit as uncharismatic as their baseball and basketball equivalents (enough with the guest commentaries please!). Perhaps the American disapproval of hockey will remain an Unsolved Mystery, much like the Caramilk Secret or the identity of Jodie Foster’s kids’ father(s).
But the fact that the majority of this continent would rather watch Master P do the Cha-Cha than hockey (or anything, really) will eternally turn my stomach.
Feedback and suggestions can be sent to Mike at mikewsage@gmail.com
