Riding Coattails: The Apprentice – Verbal Blood and Gore

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Oh, Brent. It’s no surprise that you got canned. No one liked you, thought you were competent, or took anything you said seriously. And like your goofball predecessors Sam, Raj, Danny, and Markus, I know that you were only cast on the show for sheer entertainment value. With the exception of perhaps Brent’s friends and family, who truly know him, did anyone think this guy had a fair shake at the big prize? Doubtful.

Then why was I bummed to see him go? Well, first of all, he’s entertaining. With the exception of Lenny, no one else on the show is nearly as interesting to watch. Brent created conflict and chaos, which is much more fun to witness than Tammy and Andrea exchanging gagworthy “I love you’s” as they finished their project. Love is wonderful in real life, but on TV, it’s kind of boring. The Apprentice is the human equivalent of cockfighting, so when I watch this show, I don’t want to see harmonious relationships and nicey-nice behavior. I want verbal blood and gore.

And I certainly got it this week, as outcast Brent attacked the kids in the popular crowd, they attacked back, and Trump held homecoming court with George and Ivanka (who I totally dig, by the way). This season, more than any other, smacks of high school to me, and I love it. Not that I loved high school, but I find it hilarious when grown adults are reduced to forming cliques, campaigning for their own popularity, and talking trash about each other behind their backs. Oops, that happens in just about every social and business sector in the world, doesn’t it? Silly me.

It’s clear that I’m a bit conflicted about why I like this show. On the one hand, the childishness of some of the candidates leaves me reeling (witness Lenny’s tantrums and affinity for cayenne pepper), while inversely, I find myself impressed by the resiliency of people like Tarek and Charmaine, who were both rock stars this week.

But back to Brent. I have so many questions about this man. First, how did he get into clowning and miming? Is his wife, Stephanie, nearly as zany as he is? Why does he keep eating horrific amounts of tub margarine when butter is so much tastier and contains trace elements? Why did he let Andrea bully him with her swagger about making more money? Doesn’t he know that dollars are not always the sign of success?

Apparently not.

The fact that so many people are desperately vying to work under the employ of Donald Trump continues to baffle me. He has rare moments in which he displays sensitivity and compassion, but in general, he’s a real jackass. I read an article about him and his wife in People magazine a few months ago. They were talking about the impending arrival of their baby, who was born last week. The Donald stated that he was going to let Melania choose a name for the baby, handle all of the particulars for designing the nursery, and would not be pushing a stroller down Fifth Avenue. OK, fine, so Trumpo doesn’t roll that way and this is his fifth baby and Melania’s first. But when I got to the part where he said it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to be present in the delivery room, I gasped. What year does this nimrod think he’s living in, 1953? For crying out loud, Donald, you were happy enough to be in the room when the child was conceived, so why not stand by your woman as she brings your spawn into the world?

I just don’t understand. Pair those previous statements with the Donald’s more recent ones about his penchant for younger women (he claimed he’d date Ivanka if she weren’t his daughter) and his secret to staying young (producing children), and Mr. Trump comes off as a bit of a pig. Now, I know he was joking, particularly about the first comment, but even jokes usually hold a grain of truth. The truth is that Trump is kind of yucky, and Melania is one of the richest single mothers on the planet.

That’s not to say that all hope is lost. After watching Ivanka step in for Carolyn on two episodes, I’ve been duly impressed with her mental acuity and common sense. Somebody obviously raised her right. Whether or not El Trumpo had a big hand in her upbringing remains unclear, but nonetheless, she’s a star. I’m anxious to see if any of the other Trump children appear on the show this season. I’d love to see 12-year-old Tiffany take a seat in the boardroom and throw a few zingers back at Lenny sometime. And next season, I’m fully expecting to see young Barron William Trump hoisted up in a booster seat where George usually sits, wailing and whining along with the rest of the people in the boardroom.