Hell Freezes Over Part 7: The Final Nitro Redux

The following was originally posted less than a year after the Final Nitro on 411wrestling.com by Inside Pulse Wrestling writer — and editor of TheWrestlingBlog, Ken Anderson. Some links may not work due to being outdated, but were preserved for the integrity of the column… pinched from cyberspace courtesy of the Wayback Machine.

It’s the end of WCW.It’s the end of WCW.It ends Not with a Bang,But a whimper.

-Yo yo yo yo word yo. Thanks for once again clicking that little funny colored link with my name on it…

-I again won’t be relying on any of his information for this review, but life just couldn’t go on if I were to snub Jason from Wrestling

Supercards and Tournaments. Me and Jason don’t always see eye to eye on things, but if there is one thing that will always bring us back together, it’s a good old-fashioned Lesbian Makeout Session. This one’s for you Jason. Tonight’s review is brought to us by the letter “S

*** As of this posting, FreeServers is down. These two links might not work until late Friday afternoon. Check back often, these Lesbians are top-quality. None of those shit lesbians like you would find at the Smarks.

Quick Stats

Date: March 26th, 2001

Venue: Panama Beach, Panama City, Florida.

Attendance: LOL!

Gate:LOL!

Cable Rating:(3.03)

**Quick Note: This review was too large to fit into the 411Wrestling Databases. Widro asked me to edit it down a little bit, which I did. Much like a father asked to cut off several of his child’s limbs though, it was tough to do. If you’re interest in viewing the “deleted scenes”, you can click “here.

The chapter’s include…

1. The lost Preface dealing with something I think each and every one of us can associate with.

2. Vince McMahon’s full show-end promo transcribed.

3. The lost Psychological Profile of Vince McMahon.

For those readers who decide that three to four hours of reading (about a two-hour show) just isn’t enough, I encourage you to click the aforementioned link. If not, then on with the show…

-We cut immediately in with Vince McMahon claiming that the fate of WCW lies squarely in his hands, and he informs us that tonight we will find out EXACTLY what he has in store for WCW.

-We are LIVE, yes LIVE, from Panama Beach Florida for A Night of Champions.

-The pyros explode over Panama City’s beach, lighting up the ocean. We see an aerial view of the crowd that has assembled for the historic finale of Nitro. Tonight marks the end of a thirty year wrestling dynasty on WTBS/TBS/TNT and the end of a company that had roots dating as far as back as the early 40’s. It’s sad but fitting to see that only a few thousand scattered fans are in attendance for this historic show.

-We cut immediately to Tony Schiavone and Scott Hudson, who (as always) will be guiding us through the final moments in the history of WCW.

“Mr. McMahon is here tonight on the very last telecast of WCW Monday Nitro here on TNT. It has been an emotional four or five days for all of us involved in World Championship Wrestling. This is… The Night of Champions. Tonight on our very last broadcast, all five titles in World Championship Wrestling will be decided…”

Scott Hudson and Tony Schiavonne overlook the decades of history and instead talk about “Mr. McMahon” for about five minutes. Hudson mentions that this is the last Nitro on the Turner networks and that we are “Going out with a BANG!”

-Ric Flair’s music hits and the small, but rowdy, crowd EXPLODES.

Tony: “Who means MORE to WCW ? Who MEANS WCW? It’s the man your watching take that long walk here on Nitro. It IS ‘The Nature Boy’ Ric Flair.”

Scott: “Who represented World Championship Wrestling above all others… Who’s face was identified with WCW more than any other… The Man stepping into the ring, the 14 time world champion, the one

and only, the ‘Nature Boy’ Ric Flair.”

-Flair grabs the mic and proceeds to give one of the most incredible, heart-felt, speeches that I’ve ever heard. It was so incredible because it was REAL. It wasn’t part of the show, it wasn’t part of an angle, it was simply the man who had carried the company through it’s best days (and bailed them out of some of their worst) giving a goodbye to WCW and a figurative “f*ck you” to Vince McMahon.

“Did I, Did I, WHOOOOOO! Did I happen to here Vince McMahon say he was going to hold WCW in the PALM.. OF.. HIS… HAND! Is that what he said ? Does that mean that YOU are going to hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, The Steiners, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean that you’re gonna hold us all in the palm of your hand. To coin a phrase, I DON’T think so. You know, at 12 o’clock today, someone very special to me said ‘Don’t go out on that show tonight knowing it’s the very last time that you’ll ever be on TNT or TBS.” She said to me, “Don’t go out there and cry. Don’t go out there and say you’re sorry,” because I’m NOT. I’ve been FOURTEEN TIMES (Crowd: “WHOOOOOOO!”) THE WORLD CHAMPION, for the greatest WRESTLING organization in the WORLD, WCW. We, I’m talking about the Stings, the Steamboats, the Steiners, the Road Warriors, I’m talking about my best friend Arn Anderson and the Four Horseman (“WHOOO!”) We have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the WORLD. As a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for YEARS. And just for trivia Vince McMahon, did you know that in 1981 when you were trying to become an announcer, your Dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the World Heavyweight Champion. WHOOOO! How ’bout that! And ever since that day I have been a limousine riding, jet flying, kiss stealing, wheelin deelin, SON OF A GUN, and ALONG WITH THE WHOLE DAMN WCW, have kissed the beautiful girls WORLD WIDE and made ’em CRY. But you see, we were EVERY BIT the force. We worked WCW, we lived, we breathed, we sweat WCW. We paid the price to be the BEST. It’s never been about the boys, it’s always been WWF versus the WCW. In the office, the boys have gone out there night in and NIGHT OUT doing everything they could to be the very best at what they’ve chosen to do with their lives. Those boys are here tonight. WE ARE. We’re not going anywhere. YOU CAN’T HOLD US IN YOUR HANDS and control our lives. WE’RE WCW. We’ve bled and we’ve sweat. When was the last time that you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes. WHEN WERE YOU THERE? YOU WEREN’T. YOU WEREN’T!! You weren’t in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleeding, sweating, going to the next town. YOU CAN’T HOLD PEOPLE’S LIVES IN YOUR HANDS. We’re the greatest wrestling company of all time. I”m gonna say it again, You can’t control us OR our future. And in closing, let me say this… In all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent in this company has been STING. So tonight, if we’re going out, if we’re going out on a high-note, Stinger, The Nature Boy wants you right here in the middle of the ring (HUGE POP) because Sting, STING, my greatest opponent, STING, it’s your last chance TO BE THE MAN (Crowd starts chanting Sting’s name, Flair’s joins along). To be the man, you’ve got to BEAT THE MAN. AND I AM, THE MAN!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

That was INCREDIBLE. In five minutes, Flair summed up everything that WCW has stood for over the years and provided the most touching eulogy for WCW that anyone has, or ever will, deliver.

-Commercials: Buy Uncle Kracker CD’s, see Blow, call AT&T about their internet services, stay in Friday night and watch Lethal Weapon on TNT, eat Slim Jims, cancel your car insurance and call Geico, Don’t Forget the Titans, Spray ‘Ice Sport‘ on your body after showering, and always, ALWAYS use 1-800-COLLECT.

WCW World Title vs. U.S. Title Match

Scott Steiner (w/ Midajah) vs. Booker T.

This match is a title vs. title match, with Scott Steiner of course being the WCW Champion and Booker T being the U.S. Champ. Booker T gets a pretty nice pop for his entrance. Steiner is in near-crippling pain during this match and should be commended for even going out there tonight. Both me lock up to start. Booker T ducks a Steinerline and connects with a nice side kick to the chin of Scott Steiner. Steiner regains the advantage in the corner with a few knee-lifts. He follows up with some MASSIVE chops to the chest of Booker T. Steiner whips Book into the opposite corner and charges in after him. T gets an elbow up and goes to work on Steiner with some kicks and punches.Steiner is positioned for a *Corner Ten Punch* but Booker T only makes it to eight. Why did he only make it to eight, you half-heartedly ask ? At the eight count, Steiner grabs Booker T and powerbombs him straight into the canvas for a near-fall. Steiner gets frustrated and throws Booker T to the outside. Midajah reinforces her character of HEEL VALET by slapping the babyface thug right across the face. Steiner gets a little impatient and ducks to to the outside. He fetches the LEAD PIPE, probably because the revolver, rope, knife, and candlestick were all missing in action. Steiner swings for the fences, but Booker T ducks and Steiner catches nothing but post. Tony SHRIEKS at the top of his lungs, screaming that “HE TRIED TO KILL BOOKER T! SCOTT STEINER JUST TRIED TO KILL BOOKER T!!!” Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Back inside, Steiner continues going to work with elbows and closed punches, stopping occasionally to do a few push-ups or taunt the referee. The crowd starts in with a decent enough “Booker T!” chant. The crowd’s chants can’t dig Booker out of this mess though, as Steiner continues the aggravated assault on the thoog from Harlem. Steiner lands a HUGE belly-to-belly suplex on Booker, which almost results in a three-count. Half the crowd is all like “NOOOOOOOO!” and the other half is all like, “Spring Break, WHOOOO! Spring Break!! BEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEER!! Where’s THE ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoooo!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! TITS!!!!!!!!!!!” Scott Hudson points out the fact that these two men have had THIRTY-ONE championship reigns between the two of them. Yeah, title belts still mean something… Booker is locked into a bow and arrow type of move, and Steiner wrenches WAAAAAAAY back on it for maximum discomfort. Booker T looks to the crowd to help him escape. Half of the crowd is like “YEAHHHHH!!!!!! ESCAPE BOOKA!!!!!!” and the other half is like, “Where’s the WET BAR!!!! We want PUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY!!! PUSSSSYYYYYYY!!!! SNATCH!!!!! SPRING BREAK!!!!!!! SNATCH!!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!” Steiner screams at Booker T and informs him that he will soon be eating turnbuckle. Strangely, T anticipates the move and blocks. Steiner is given a stern elbow, right to the temple. Booker sends him into the ropes for a backdrop, but Steiner sees it coming and clubs Booker right across the neck. Booker is set up for a belly-to-back suplex, but backflips out and levels Steiner with a nice little standing dropkick. Booker grabs Steiner and lands a short-armed-knee to the stomach of the Sizable Father of “Pump.” Steiner is keeled over from the pain of the knee, so Booker springs off the ropes and lands the scissor kick. Booker T winds up and SPINS HIS ROONIE as the announcers try to play it off as actually being a viable form of ring technique (Tony: “A lightning fast way to return to a vertical base!!”). Booker goes for the Book End, but Steiner reverses it into an AWESOME Northern Lights Suplex. Steiner signals for a powerbomb, but Booker T rolls out, hits the Book End, and gets the 3-count to become the NEW WCW World Heavyweight Champion. The crowd actually pops HUGE. Booker T gets tears in his eyes and we cut to a break. A good little match, especially considering the fact that Scott Steiner could barely move. A TON of credit is really deserved by Scott Steiner. Steiner didn’t have to go out there and perform, especially in the physical condition that he was in. Steiner could have simply refused to wrestle, remained the champion into the crossover, and been a virtual lock for a WWF contract. Instead, Scott opted to do what was best for WCW… not WWF owned WCW, but the true, living, breathing WCW. Say what you want about his backstage antics, but Steiner did the honorable thing in this situation and actually provided a solid, if short match. ***

-Commercials: If you’re going to work out, don’t do it without Met-RX… Go ahead and buy yourself a Yamaha V-Star, you know you want to. After all, they make good keyboards, they MUST make good vehicles… While you’re out buying that motorcycle, stop in at your local theatre and see Joe Dirt… If you like to pick up girls, use Valvoline motor oil… Mr. T likes 1-800-COLLECT and he wants YOU to like it too. If you use it, he’ll come sit on the coach with you and put his arms around you and your friends… AOL doesn’t suck, and they want you to know that… Ricky Rachtman wants to know if we still remember him… Pretty girls in small bikinis pretend to like WCW in exchange for free t-shirts and/or alcohol… The DVDVR boys all sit up in their oversized chairs and simultaneously exclaim, “SEE DWAYNE, PRETTY GIRLS DO LIKE WORKRATE!!!” and begin feverishly masturbating with one hand and calling up their internet friends to discuss what they have just seen with the other.

-We come back to Nitro with Vince McMahon backstage at RAW on his cell phone. Vince is wise enough to get in a few more jabs at the company that he just BOUGHT…

“You listen to me, right, you’re the attorney. No, believe me, of all the locations they could have chosen, they chose their final broadcast to be at some redneck beer joint someplace down in the panhandle of Florida… How appropriate is that.”

Shit like this is EXACTLY why no WWF fan took WCW or the Invasion angle seriously.

WCW Cruiserweight Tag Championship Qualifying Match.

Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio vs. The Jung Dragons vs. Evan Karagias and Shannon Moore.

The match was a bit tough to follow to the constant action and constant surplus of crazy little f*cks in the ring, so it didn’t quite make the cut for the edit. As previously mentioned, you can read the review in full, unedited fashion by clicking the previous link.

***3/4

-Back in Panama, we cut to more Vince McMahon footage. Trish enters Vince’s office and they drink some champagne. Vince makes a stupid pun comparing Trish’s boobs to champagne glasses and then tongues her. Why is this shit taking place on the final WCW broadcast anyway ???

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match

Chavo Guerrero vs. “Sugar” Shane Helms.

Chavo comes out to a pretty good reaction, but Helm’s reaction is just off the hook. The second “Vertabreaker” starts playing, the crowd is behind him. He really should have kept his NAME and his gimmick. How f*cking stupid is it that an established wrestler like Helms has to change his NAME when he comes to the WWF because the owner’s son thinks that the WWF fans are so stupid that they might accidentally mistake a 180 pound CRUISERWEIGHT for himself. It’s just stupid. Lose some weight and learn to dance Shane, and then we’ll talk… Both men start in quickly, fighting for position and reversing each other’s holds. Helms is the first to capitalize with a crazy airplane-spin type move which he finishes by throwing Guerrero face-first into his knee. Shane follows up with a running neckbreaker for a quick two-count. Chavo stumbles up and clothesline Helms over the top rope. Back inside, Chavo hits a really nice belly-to-back suplex to Helms and connects with some NASTY chops in the corner. Helms is setup for the superplex in the corner, but Shane blocks and lands a top-rope facebuster on Chavo. Helms comes SOARING off the top rope with a sunset flip. The man literally got like twelve feet of air with this sunset flip. The sunset flip only gets a two-count, so Helms climbs back up to the opposite corner and again comes flying off with a double-clutch crossbody block. Chavo recovers and hits a T-Bone suplex on Helms. Meanwhile, Tazz is backstage at RAW watching and is being all like, “NO ONE USES SUPLEXES BESIDES ME!! NO ONE!!! I’M TOO SHORT TO RIDE SPACE MOUNTAIN!!!” Both men again fight for position, reversing numerous moves and holds until Chavo DESTROYS Helms with a GORGEOUS Northern Lights Suplex. Chavo sends Helms into the ropes, gets reversed, slides under Shane, comes up behind him with a sunset flip, Helms reverses, and lands the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Chavo. Damn, what a sequence. As Chavo stammers to his feet, Helms sets up for the superkick. Guerrero ducks the kick and positions Helms for the inverted suplex. Helms flips out, throws Chavo head first into the corner, and lands a HARD Superkick to the chin of Chavo Guerrero. He signals for the vertabreaker, gets countered, but manages to lock it back on and connect for the pinfall. Another really good match that makes me miss WCW that much more… ***

-Commercials: Stay in Saturday night and watch SwitchbladeValvoline still makes some damn fine oil… In case you were confused, use 1-800-COLLECT… If you think you know everything about Pokemon, you are WRONG. How do I know ? Because I have seen the trailer for Pokemon 3: The MoviePhilly’s Most Wanted is your one-way ticket to impressing all of your hip-hopping friends… R&R, R&R!!!… If you live in Tallahassee and you like wrestling, you might want to consider seeing the WWF live. Esse Rios is probably headlining… You’re asses BETTER not forget to Remember the Titans… If you are a nasty smoker, use Targon Mouth Wash and no one will EVER guess that you smoke. You’re teeth will be pearly white… If you have a girl coming over, it would be in your best interests to spray yourself down with Ice Sport body spray.

-Booker T gives a patriotic speech about the end of the WCW era, which he concludes by saying…

“This may be the end of a chapter… But there are many, many pages left in this book. From this point on, I will prove that I am the BEST this business has to offer, and if anybody wants to test me, step to me like a man. I will prove that I am the best to each and every sucka, and like I say each and EVERY time… Don’t Hate the Player…….. Hate the Game.”

-Commercials: Honda makes a hell of a motorcycle themselves… Don’t see Pokemon 3: The Movie or Joe Dirt, save your money and see Blow on Friday, April 6th… AOL still sucks, but they protect your kids in some unspecified way… Scooby Doo and the Ghoul School is now available in it’s straight to video goodness… Stay in Sunday night and watch Dead Poet’s Society

-Michael Cole barges into Vince’s personal dressing room. Because mainstream America is just DYING to see an old dirty man’s sexual escapades, Vince McMahon is sitting on the couch having his nipple played with by Trish Stratus. Cole tells Vince McMahon that WCW fans and wrestlers alike are mortified that Vince McMahon will kill off everything that WCW stands for. Don’t worry guys, those fears are more than warranted. Vince snaps at Cole and screams…

“How do you feel about YOUR job security… GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.”

Cole leaves, and Vince McMahon spouts off some STRANGE gibberish about dominance and gawks at Trish while proposing a “Toast to being FORCEFUL.” Nothing sends WCW off in a classy manner like a borderline suggested rape by a filthy old married bastard…

-Tony Schiavonne does a bit of shooting himself, questioning what exactly they all have in store for them once Vince McMahon takes over the company…

“How do we all feel.. Where does WCW go from here… What’s in the cards… What’s going to happen… Is this it ?? Fans, we’re reacting, we can only react to what we see. What will happen… We don’t know… The wrestlers, the fans are concerned, the people who have worked for WCW, have sweat and bled for this company for years, we are all very concerned about the future of WCW, about the future of OUR brand of wrestling…”

WCW World Tag Team Title Match:

Lance Storm and Mike Awesome vs. Chuck Palumbo and Sean O’Haire.

The Canadians do the whole national anthem thing proving that YES, the fans can be tricked into buying into the same exact heel antics for 50+ years. Storm and O’Haire start things out and go right to work with the numerous reversals and counter-moves that start off every WCW match involving wrestlers other than Luger and Bagwell. The crowd is all like “USA! USA!” and Storm is all like “CAN-A-DA! CAN-A-DA!” and the Iron Sheik is all like “HEIN-SCHVEN-KRAAA!!” and Slaughter is all like “MY BOOTS CAME FROM SADDAM” and the crowd is all like “WE’VE NEVER SEEN HUSSEIN WEARING CURLED, POINTY SHOES” and the PTC is all like “GET THIS SHIT OFF OF TELEVISION, OUR KIDS DON’T NEED TO BE EXPOSED TO IRANIANS,” and Slaughter is all like, “I’LL HAVE A SPICEY CHICKEN SANDWHICH, A FIVE PIECE NUGGET, AND A BIGGIE MR.PIBB…AND THATTTTTT’S AN ORDER!!!” Anyway, Storm gets his ass kicked in the American corner. Palumbo slams the Canadian to the mat with a fallaway slam, but Storm recovers quickly and lands the superkick squarely to the jaw ofPalumbo. Palumbo really looks like he should be heading up an 80’s glam rock band as opposed to competing in the squared circle. Storm snaps the mare of Chucky P and tags in his partner. Awesome slingshots into the ring with a HUGE splash on Palumbo. That’s pretty damn impressive for a man the size of Michael Awesome. The two wildly trade punches for a few minutes before Awesome is whipped into the buckle. Awesome jumps before he hits the corner, leaps to the top rope, and springs back with a GORGEOUS back elbow. This guy really should be making more noise in the WWF right now, but I guess he pissed the Undertaker off somehow according to ROCK-SOLID reliable websites like 1wrestling. On a related note, Bret Hart is a LOCK to head up WCW when the “Invasion” angle is initiated. Storm tags in and hits some nasty chops to the chest of Palumbo. Chuck somehow manages to turn the tables though and hits Lance Storm with the dreaded CATAPULT. Next time your trendy friends ignore the fact that they used to watch wrestling two years ago and poke fun at your hobby, citing that “it’s all fake,” show them a tape of Wrestler A performing the CATAPULT on Wrestler B and their tune will quickly change. Nothing says “authentic” like Wrestler A grabbing the legs of Wrestler B, falling back, and having the Wrestler B cartoonishly jump head first into the turnbuckle. While your at it, next time your passing a coworker in the hallway and he accidentally nudges you in the cramped quarters, fling yourself head first into the water cooler (taking it out if possible.) Your boss will undoubtedly gather the higher-ups together and say, “You know, Johnson can really sell, I think he’s in line for a raise… How does an extra 20K a year sound ?” Anyway, for reasons I am again too fearful to delve into, the CATAPULT somehow results in a double KO. Both men do the vintage “Groggy adversaries drag their battered bodies to their respective corners” routine. O’Haire is the first to tag in and cleans house on everybody. Awesome rushes him and he hoists him up on his shoulders for that crazy little fall back slam he does who’s name currently escapes me. For simplicity sake, we’ll refer to the move as the Boston Crab. We’ve got a PIER SIX brawl on our hands, which is just notches below Pier SEVEN level. Awesome Mike connects with a BRUTAL lariat to the neck of O’Haire. The big, yet AWESOME, Mike hoists Palumbo up for an Awesome-Bomb, but from the looks of things, Palumbo smears his body healthily with olive oil before each match, so he easily slips from the loose, yet uncharacteristically AWESOME hold. Palumbo pauses to dip a piece of unlevened bread onto his chest before superkicking Awesome OUT OF HIS BOOTS. He doesn’t actually fall out of his boots or anything, but nonetheless, it was a powerful kick. Sean O’Haire goes up top and delivers his IMPRESSIVE Sean-Ton bomb for the three count. The two celebrate their successful title defense and we cut to a break… ***

-Commercials: Uncle Kracker has a hot new CD out, and it just so happens to feature the hot new tune, “Follow Me.” Honestly, I’d rather get my wisdom teeth removed with a pitchfork than listen to another ten seconds of this damn song, but hey, maybe it’s just me… I know you’ve got 8 bucks, so how about you cut the bullshit and go ahead out to your local theatre to take in an afternoon showing of BlowATT CARES, and then want you to know it. If you sign up for their broadband internet service, they’ll go ahead and let you call long distance for only $.07 a minute. I question who the hell still uses land lines for long distance when 99% of cell phones offer FREE long distance with your regular plan. Give me a break, how is it that it costs a penny to make a local call, but the second you cross those area code limits it suddenly costs hundreds of dollars to carry your voice along that telephone line… Lord knows EVERYBODY wants Buff Bagwell on their Mastercard, so go ahead and make a few phone calls to the WCW office. I’m sure ANY girl would be begging for a second date with you if you gave the waitress at Carrabas a credit card with a topless picture of Diamond Dallas Page on it … If you have trouble getting your car to perform simple tasks such as STOPPING, Meineke might just be the place you need to call…

Tattoo Match:

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Shawn Stasiak (w/ Stacey Keibler)

In a moment of sheer marketing genius, the higher-ups at WCW decided that the best way to draw millions upon millions of dollars in revenue would be to hold a “tattoo match.” The rules are simple friend… If Bam Bam wins, he gets to tattoo Shawn Stasiak in the middle of the ring. I don’t have any tattoos myself, but I have spoken to friends who do indeed have tattoos or have friends who do indeed have tattoos. The tattooing process takes up to five hours, which leads me to believe that we might not witness an actual tattooing on tonight’s broadcast, unless of course Turner ok’d a four hour overrun. If there’s one thing we can all agree on though, it’s the fact that Tattoos = RATINGS. Stasiak hits the ring to an AWESOME techno theme. Him and Stacey start to talk before Bam Bam interrupts with the vintage “Babyface aggravates the heel by having the sound man cue his babyface music in the middle of the boobish heel’s speech” routine. Bam Bam comes to the ring with a big plastic black box which the announcers insist is his “tattooing kit.” I laugh to myself as Hudson makes some terrible pun about Bigelow “Tattooing Stasiak with the Heavy Box.” Get it, he’s going to hit him really hard with the box (i.e. “tattoo” him with it), all while competing in a TATTOO match. I think if we can agree on nothing else, we can agree on the fact that PUNS = RATINGS. After about thirty seconds of *cough cough* wild brawling, Shawn Stasiak goes up top and comes soaring off with a cross body. While the effort was there, he misses badly. Bigelow slams Stasiak to the mat and comes crashing off the top rope with a flying headbutt. He covers Stasiak for what should be a three count, but Stacey Keibler distracts the ref and he is unable to render the three-count. Bigelow is upset so he positions Stasiak for the “Greetings from Asbury Park,” but Keibler again interjects herself by grabbing the leg of Stasiak so that Bigelow cannot greet Stasiak from ANY park. Stasiak slips off and hits the hangman’s neckbreaker for three to end the match at approximately 45 seconds or so. Tony S is pissed, dejectedly screaming that their “WILL BE NO TATTOOING HERE ON NITRO TONIGHT.”The economy isn’t great and the stars are definately running short, so I’m going to have to refrain from wasting any of my precious, five-pointed beauties on this lame excuse for a match.

-Vince McMahon is shown talking to Steven Regal backstage at RAW. Both verbally BLAST WCW for a few minutes before having a good laugh at its imminent death. Alright, simple logic would dictate that if you just spent X million dollars on a company, you would want to build off it’s rich history and strong talent base as a way of hyping the forthcoming angle in the eyes of the casual WWF fans who may have never even turned on Nitro before in their lives. Instead of introducing WCW as a strong foe of the WWF to the casual fans, Vince chose to introduce WCW to the fans as nothing more than a joke of a federation that could NEVER hold a candle to the WWF. Instead of pointing fingers at Buff Bagwell and Booker T for the failed Invasion angle, maybe Vince should be looking at his flabby old countenance in the mirror. He could have built WCW up as a credible threat, but he just couldn’t resist burying the company that he now f*cking OWNED. Instead of capitalizing on the past glories of WCW, Vince went ahead and turned his purchase of WCW into yet ANOTHER self-masturbatory ego stroking session. I swear to God this guy has some MAJOR f*cking issues. The blame of the failure of the WCW Invasion angle lays squarely on the back of one man, and it sure isn’t Buff Bagwell.

-Commercials: If you use 1-800-CALL-ATT, Destiny’s Child will pull up and invite you into their personal limo to use the telephone… Pokemon 3 is in YOUR theatres TODAY… Valvoline motor oil will somehow increase your sexual activity by 300%… AOL still sucks… Sylvian Learning Centers dances around their words for what seems to be hours, trying desperately not to directly say, “Call us if your child is a RETARD.” … More pretty girls pretend to like WCW. Bob Ryder immediately posts a news bit saying, “NewsFlash, I’ve never kissed a girl. These girls are obviously internet smarts and OBVIOUSLY obtain their information from 1wrestling.com. If one of these girls would like to be my girlfriend, I’d be more than happy to offer her a FREE month of 1wrestling premium service. Demand for our premium service has been OVERWHELMING, despite the fact that nothing of consequence has happened news-wise in close to a year, and everything that has happened is reported everywhere else for free. If you sign up for the premium service, you can also hear Joey Styles reading almost word for word from the Torch newsletter too!!!”

Diamond Dallas Page cuts a short, yet powerful, little promo of his own in the back…

“In the words of the Grateful Dead, ‘What a long strange trip its been.’ But I’ve got to tell you, I’ve loved every second of it, and wouldn’t trade it for anything. Tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans around the world for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page, a guy they said would NEVER make it, but did. That only proves one thing, that if you want it bad enough, and you’re willing to work for it, anything is possible. It’s not really the promoters who decide who’s over, it’s the fans. I’d like to thank the WCW fans, and my wife Kimberly, for helping me to live my dreams. Is that dream over… I don’t think so. I think now, it’s time to take it… to another level. BAM!”

– The next segment is only 45 seconds long, but is definitely one the absolute highest points on the show.

Awesome, triumphant music plays as Ric Flair’s voice fades in with this brief quote…

“Read what you want to Read, Believe what you want to Believe, But to be the man, You’ve Got To Beat The Man!!!”

Clips of Sting, Lex Luger, Kevin Nash, Ric Flair, DDP, Dusty Rhodes, Bill Goldberg, Roddy Piper, Vader, Jeff Jarrett, The Giant, Ron Simmons, Dory Funk Jr., Terry Funk, Lou Thesz, Ronnie Garvin, The Great Muta, Bret Hart, Sid, Hulk Hogan, Barry Windham, Booker T, and Scott Steiner are shown interspersed with clips of the old NWA Championship belt. The whole thing is just AWESOME. Tony ends the segment with three little words as we fade out which really provides an awesome ending to a really touching little segment…

Champions Never Die.”

-Commercials: Eddie Lawson is apparently known world-wide for his motorcycle racing abilities, and he just so happens to be especially partial to the new RZ1 model… Trick Daddy wants you to fetch some unnamed parcel and “Take it to da house”… Please, please, PLEASE see Joe Dirt… Breast Cancer sucks, but Comcast wants us to know that they are doing everything in their power to help… Do you like trucks ??? If so, Ford might just be able to help you out… AOL wants you to disregard any rumors you’ve heard, they insist that they do NOT suck.

-As we come back, Vince McMahon is talking to an unspecified person on the telephone, with a television camera conveniently placed right in his mug. He lets us know that the “Time is near.” I’m counting the seconds…

Cruiserweight Tag Title Match:

Elix Skipper and Kid Romeo (c) vs. Rey Misterio and Billy Kidman.

This match, like the rest of the WCW Cruiserweight action, was pretty damn wild, but being the knight in shining armor that I am, I’ll try to cover it as best as humanly possible. Things start out quickly with Kidman locking Skipper in a reverse Gory Special. Rey comes barreling off the top rope with a dropkick right to the stomach of the Gory’d Skipper. Skipper quickly counters with a belly-to-belly suplex on Billy Kidman. Kid Romeo jumps to the top rope and gets a quick tag from Skipper. Skipper propels the childish Romeo off the top rope with a flipping rocket launcher of sorts for a quick two-count. Romeo picks up Kidman and hits some sort of a falling powerbomb where he flips Kidman over his head and face first into the mat. I’m sure someone is going to email me with the proper Japanese name of the move (“But Ken, it’s called the Fiery Spiked Serpent Plunge”). Skipper tags back in, but gets cross bodies out of nowhere by Billy Kidman. Sounds like the name of a child molester, Billy Kidman. “Johnny, Suzy, me and your father want you in by 5 o’clock tonight, Billy Kidman is out of prison and you never know where he might pop up.” Anyway… Kid Romeo ascends to the top rope to attempt some sort of high-flying move, but Kidman is MUCH too savvy and dropkicks Romeo right out of the air. Both men struggle to make the tag, and both do. Rey Misterio jumps to the middle of the top rope and springboards off with a HUGE Thesz press onto Elix Skipper. He literally got about ten feet of air underneath him on this move. Romeo breaks up the count, but Misterio gets some revenge with a Tornado DDT on the Shakespearean Cruiserweight. Skipper regains his footing and beats on Rey Rey for a few seconds. In a f*cking AMAZING spot, Rey Rey is backdropped by Skipper, but flips out of it in midairs, lands on the shoulders of Kid Romeo, and hurricanrana’s him over the top rope. A two-on-one babyface beatdown occurs in the ring for a few minutes. Kidman hits all fours and Rey comes soaring off of his back with a BRUTAL flying forearm to the side of Skipper’s head. Skipper is in the Bronco Buster position in the corner, so Kidman baseball slides in and connects with two solid boots right between the legs of Skipper. That really did look painful. Rey Rey makes good on the Bronco Buster promise and makes sure to buck a few extra times for good measure. The spring break kids are all like, “YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! He’s rubbing his BALLS on him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Rey jumps to the top rope and is like “PANAMA CIT-AYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!” Kid Romeo is all like “ENGLANNNNNNNNNNND” and pushes Misterio to the floor. Romeo quickly plants Kidman with a butterfly face buster (again, I know it’s not the proper name, and again, I don’t particularly care what the proper name is). The face buster looks to have the match won, but Misterio darts back in and makes the save. Misterio powerbombs Romeo and follows up with a springboard headbutt to the chest of the Kid R. Meanwhile, Elix grabs Misterio and the two engage in an epic two-minute battle for waistlock supremacy. Skipper finally gets the upper hand and hoists Misterio up onto his shoulders, crosses Misterio’s arms in front of him, and drops back for a bridging suplex. An AWESOME move, who’s name escapes me. Let’s call it the half-nelson, shall we ? A pier six brawl erupts, and in the chaos Elix Skipper attempts the “Play of the Day,” but Kidman reverses and scores with the Kid Krusher for THREE!!!!!!!! The crowd pops BIG TIME and the new Cruiserweight champs celebrate as if the belts are actually going to be kept intact or something. This is the last we see of Rey Misterio for quite a while, but hopefully he’ll pop in the WWF one day soon. He’s still got a TON to offer and could really help get the new WWF LightHeavyWeight Division off the ground if the WWF ever got serious about bringing it back. Anyway, this match was pretty damn good and again made me miss the REAL WCW. I’m going to roll up my sleeve, reach into the bucket of stars, and toss ***1/2 of them in the direction of this match.

-We cut to a dark cramped room with baseball bats hanging from the ceiling.

Sting: “Surprise, Surprise. The Stinger is back. Did you think I would miss this night ? Not for nothing would I miss this night. This is a historic night. One more dance with the ‘Nature Boy’ Ric Flair. We started it years ago Ric, and tonight we’re going to end it once and for all. And for all you fans out there who are wondering what the future holds for Sting. The only thing for sure about Sting… is that nothing’s for sure. It’s SHOWTIME!!!

-Commercials: Dump your girlfriend and stay home Friday night to watch Geronimo: An American Legend… If you like video games, and let’s face it you do, Tom Clancy has designed Rainbow Six: Rogue Squadron just for you. He’s a good writer, he MUST be good with C++… Valvoline wants you to believe that MOTOR OIL will have every girl in town lining up to go down on you… More Spring Breakout shit with lots of pretty girls talking about how much they just ADORE WCW. I wondered who exactly was popping those 2.5’s every week…

-Vince McMahon is WALKING©!!!

*** “WALKING” is a term expressly copyrighted by CRZ, the only man who takes 2,500 words to simply recap a leisurely stroll to the mailbox.

Final Match in the History of WCW:

Ric Flair vs. Sting

Flair’s music hits and even the Spring Break kids pops HUGE. The Man emerges from the curtains wearing his vintage blue robe and a WCW t-shirt underneath. Internet sources have it that Ric Flair actually wanted to wear the new 411Wrestling T-Shirt on this historic evening, but unfortunately they weren’t available to the public yet. Flair lets out a few “Whoooos” and the crowd responds accordingly. The SECOND Sting’s music hits, the crowd EXPLODES. As Sting makes his way out, Tony and Scott Hudson provide some AMAZING commentary…

Scott : “When it was en vogue to jump from World Championship Wrestling to the World Wrestling Federation, even Ric Flair made the jump, but THIS MAN, from Bill Watt’s Universal Wrestling Federation to World Championship Wrestling, was LOYAL. He bled WCW, He SLEPT WCW… A Seven Time World Heavyweight Champion, This man proved night after night what loyalty MEANT. Tonight he and Ric Flair are going to finish it off. They started it in Minneapolis in 1995, they blow it out of the water in PCB in 2001!!!”

Tony : “Forever their names will be linked to greatness in WCW. Sting’s first WCW Championship came in 1990 at the Baltimore Arena at the Great American Bash… he defeated Ric Flair. Sting became a household word for WCW fans March 27th, 1988 at the very first Clash of the Champions on TBS. He and Ric Flair, for 45 minutes, wrestled what is considered by many to be one of the greatest WCW Title Matches ever, a 45 minute draw.”

Scott : “And Mr. McMahon, They did it AGAINST Wrestlemania IV!”

Sting and Flair trade off “Whoos” and screams, which the crowd eats up BIG TIME. Both men circle each other hesitantly to start. They tie up and Sting gets the early advantage by throwing Flair to the ground. In an AWESOME old-school heel moment, Flair motions for the ref to come over and talk to him. The second the referee arrives, Flair shoves him hard to the chest. Flair is the f*cking MAN. He’s playing the heel here tonight, and doing a damn good job at it. The crowd is rabid with “Sting!” chants. Flair gets a side headlock on Sting, but Sting throws Flair into the ropes and again grounds him with a shoulderblock. Flair regains the advantage by jabbing his thumb directly into the eye of Sting. Sting is PUMMELED with some HUGE chops in the corner by Flair (1-3). Sting pushes Flair out and reverses Flair back into the same corner. Sting unloads with punches and kicks as the crowd blows the non-existent roof off of the non-existent arena. Flair tries to run from the corner, but Sting catches him with a hiptoss and lands one of his old-school standing dropkicks. Flair bails to the outside for a breather as Tony and Scott continue discussing the history between Ric Flair and Sting. Back inside, Sting again gains the upper hand. Flair begs off and Sting starts smiling. Flair tries as hard as possible to sell his pain, but soon enough Flair is wearing a gigantic grin of his own. Flair stands back up and does a little bit of strutting as Sting looks on smiling. Flair kicks Sting below the belt and whips him into the ropes, but Sting reverses and catches Flair with a powerful gorilla press. Flair is thrown into the corner and Sting mounts him for his CLASSIC *Corner Ten Punch* Sting is obviously feeling overly sentimental tonight and goes all the way to 10. That’s gotta be a first for Sting. The crowd gets maximum enjoyment out of making the full ten count and thus starts loudly chanting “STINGER!” Flair walks out of the corner and Flair Flops (!!!) Sting and Flair exchanges chops (4-5 Flair) before Flair again proves why he is the “Dirtiest Player in the Game” by uppercutting Sting squarely below the belt. Flair is angry now and UNLEASHES on Sting with some downright nasty chops in the corner (6-7). Flair snapmares Sting and goes to the top rope, but Sting quickly recovers and throws Flair hard to the mat. Sting hangs over Flair until he returns to his feet, only to knock him right back down with two stiff clotheslines. Sting whips Flair into the ropes and again attempts his dropkick, but Flair has been around the bush with Sting a few times and sees the move coming. Sting misses the dropkick and crashes down on his leg. Flair wastes NO time and immediately slaps on the figure-four!!!!!! Sting struggles to keep his shoulders off the mat as Flair uses the middle rope for leverage (!!!!!!!!). Tony and Scott allude to the fact that the crowd is “hanging on every single breath these two take.” I can’t say I could disagree with his assessment of the situation. Sting reverses the figure-four in the center of the ring, but Flair is able to quickly get to the ropes. Both men sell the leg injuries, but Flair is the first to go on the offensive with some NASTY chops (8-10). In a scene eerily reminiscent of the historic first Clash of the Champions, Sting completely no-sells the Nature Boy’s chops. Sting whips Flair into the corner… FLAIR FLIP!!!!!!!!!!!! Sting comes crashing off the top rope with a superplex and locks on the Scorpion Deathlock. Flair tries to fight off the pain as the crowd explodes, but the pain is too severe and Ric ultimately shakes his head “Yes.” Sting immediately raises Flair off the ground and both men embrace. Scott and Tony both sound like they are near tears and Scott mentions that “Sting knows that Ric Flair MADE him at Clash of the Champions… Thank you Ric Flair, Thank you Steve Borden for everything you’ve been to this sport.” Sting and Flair embrace and raise each other’s arms in a truly touching moment. **** for sentimental reasons.

-As Flair and Sting continue to stand in the center of the ring, Tony Schiavonne speaks the last words that would ever be spoken on WCW television… “It’s been an emotional roller coaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future, of what we love, of what we breath, and of what we live. We don’t just work for WCW, we live WCW. And I know Flair and the fans would agree that…

-Tony is cut off mid-sentence as we cut to RAW live, as Vince McMahon f*cks up by coming to the ring WAY too early. Vince pulls the old “You didn’t cheer loud enough, so I’m going to come back out again” routine to oh-so-discreetly cover up for his error. He can put all major competitors out of business, but he can’t even comprehend a simple time cue. Probably wasn’t even his fault, but I’m just bitter at the way this entire night was handled. More on that later…

-Vince McMahon gets in the ring, probably with a gigantic f*cking erection that he got from thinking about himself, and proceeds to give a long-winded promo which accomplishes nothing but burying WCW and putting himself over. Genius… pure genius…

-“No Chance” hits as the crowd pops BIG-TIME. The camera angle on the Titan-Tron slowly pans back to reveal that Shane McMahon isn’t in Cleveland, he’s in PANAMA CITY.

JR: “Wait a minute, where’s Shane ??? What ???”

Paul: “He’s in PANAMA CITY!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE DOING ???”

Shane: “What’s up Vince ??? Surprise Dad, you’re in Cleveland, Ohio, and I’m here in Panama City Beach, Florida… standing… in a WCW ring. And as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you, I mean Dad, you wanted to finalize this deal for WCW at Wrestlemania. You have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize this deal. Well Dad, that’s just the opportunity I was looking for. Well Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW, but the name on the contract does say ‘McMahon’… however… the contract reads… ‘Shane McMahon.’ That’s right, I now own.. WCW.. And Dad, just like WCW did in the past, how it kicked your ass in the past, and it will again. That’s exactly what’s going to happen to you this Sunday at Wrestlemania!!!

JR:”I do NOT believe what we have just heard… SHANE MCMAHON HAS BOUGHT WCW!!! Vince McMahon CANNOT believe it, and to be quite frank, NEITHER CAN I… He’s stolen it from right under the wing of his father!!!

-We fade to black and the final two minutes of the show end with an extended promo for Wrestlemania X-7.

-That’s it… No goodbye from Tony and Scott. No thank you to the fans for years and years (and YEARS) of support. No final montage highlighting the rich, deep history of the NWA/WCW and everything that it has stood for. No final curtain call for all of WCW’s performers who day in and day out worked their asses off to make WCW what it was for so many years. Not even a simple text message on the screen to end an era. Instead we get a f*cking INFOMERCIAL for Wrestlemania 17.

-Fuck Vince McMahon. I know that sounds harsh, but to not even let Tony Schiavonne and Scott Hudson say goodbye to the WCW fans and thank them for all of their support is INEXCUSABLE. To f*cking cut Tony off MID-SENTENCE is even worse. It wasn’t just cutting him off for the segment, it was cutting him off FOREVER. Vince McMahon proved exactly what kind of person he was this evening. He is the kind of man who has ABSOLUTELY no regard for the history or workers of WCW unless it can somehow put money in his own pocket. Sure, he can have Jim Ross and Paul Heyman drop Lou Thesz’s name a few dozen times on RAW if he thinks it will add hype to his big pay-per-view matches, but he can’t even give the real WCW TWO MINUTES to say their goodbyes before he kills it off for good. For YEARS, WCW gave their blood, sweat, and tears to put out a quality product and Vince doesn’t even have the common courtesy to let them say goodbye to their television audience, many of which had been watching WCW in some form on the same basic cable network for THIRTY years. When I say WCW, I’m not just talking about the Ric Flair’s and the Scott Steiner’s either. I’m talking about the agents, the secretaries, the accountants, and the coffee boys who worked their hands to the bone because they loved what they did and who they worked for.

WCW put out a GOOD product, even during their lowest points. Sure the creative direction sometimes left a lot to be desired, but the production, the potential, and the talent base NEVER slipped. If it weren’t for the ridiculously large guaranteed contracts that WCW inked far too freely during the last wrestling “boom,” WCW would be still be alive and could very well be profitable given a few minor changes. FAR too much focus was put on competing with the WWF. There is room for two major wrestling promotions and just because one is head and shoulders above the rest, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a place for the second federation. WCW Nitro pulled in GREAT numbers compared to just about everything else on cable, which people tend to overlook simply because the numbers weren’t on par with those of the WWF. WCW was capable of drawing decent enough crowds at house shows and if they could have downsized the arenas in which they held their house shows, they could have very well made that aspect of the company profitable as well. Far too many people gave up on WCW just because it was unable to compete with the WWF. That’s ridiculous. WCW HAD a HUGE, LOYAL fanbase, even during its dying days. This is evident by the fact that approximately 2-3 million Monday night wrestling viewers simply vanished after the death of WCW. These were the hardcore fans who were willing to overlook the imperfections with WCW and watch every damn week. More people tuned in to Nitro on any given January 2001 Monday night than the number of people who tuned in on the same channel (TNT) to see Michael Jordan’s recent return game to the NBA. WCW wasn’t a failure, it was a company who made a few bad decisions, signed a few too many long-term contracts, and ultimately couldn’t keep its head above water due to these circumstances.

Back to Vince… What a f*cking idiot. Seriously… Why in God’s name ANYONE would buy a company and insist on burying it OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again is beyond me. Imagine if the McDonalds Corporation were to purchase the Burger King franchise, only to have the McDonalds CEO go on live television and say, “Burger King SUCKS. Their food sucks, their service sucks, and they aren’t even worth your time or money to drive through. McDonalds is the ONLY place to go for fast food.” When McDonalds started operating the Burger King restaurants, would they expect to profit on their purchase after this speech ??? I doubt it. This is no different than Vince McMahon purchasing WCW and then going on live television week after week after WEEK and constantly hammering WWF superiority down the throat of his loyal fan base. What in the HELL was this crazy old asshole thinking anyway ??? On one hand it’s TRAGIC to see what happened to WCW, especially considering what it could have been, but on the other hand, one can’t help but chuckle at the thought of the cranky old egotistical bastard shooting himself in the foot yet AGAIN.

As far as I’m concerned, there is NOTHING to like about Vince McMahon anymore. I respect what he has built and I think he is a hell of a businessman, but in the last year or so he’s gotten so f*cking SKEWED that one can only hope that the WWF collapses so that he can have a nice, looooooong rest. I don’t even like seeing his face anymore. Let’s do a quick psychological profile of the pathological freak shall we…

*Due to size limitations, the psychological profile became an unfortunate victim of the editing process. To read the HIGHLY entertaining, yet mildly enlightening profile, click the link above for the full unedited version. Would you like to learn what mid 80-s WWF employee regularly received oral sex from Vince McMahon ? Would you like to learn what WWF Valet that Linda McMahon walked in on her husband sodomizing ? Would you like to learn which WWF Wrestlers Vince McMahon has asked his daughter to go down on ? The profile won’t answer ANY of those questions, but it will provide an in-depth look at Vince McMahon’s gradually declining psyche. Learn why Vince McMahon should pray for an untimely demise of the WWF to save himself from HIMSELF.

-Sorry, didn’t mean to go off into a long rant there. (OOOOH! Ken used the word “rant.” He must be a SCOTT KEITH RIPOFF!!!!) I guess I’ll end this nonsense here and just say a quick THANK YOU to NWA/WCW for providing me with 15 years of viewing pleasure. Thank you to guys like Gordon Solie, Bobby Eaton, Ric Flair, The Anderson, The Fantastics, The Great Muta, Brad Armstrong, Harlem Heat, The Steiner Brothers, The Freebirds, The Road Warriors, Dusty Rhodes, and Tom Zenk. Thanks to the guys like Ranger Ross, Erik Watts, Firebreaker Chip, Jack Victory, and Paul Roma as well, because even though the “smart” crowd liked to get on them because they may not have been the best “workers” in the world, each and every one of these guys went out night in and night out and worked their asses off to entertain the WCW fans, and that is commendable.

For years, WCW provided an alternative to the often cartoonish, storyline heavy WWF. While Zeus was making the transition from bad actor to even worse main-eventer, Ricky Steamboat and Ric Flair were engaging in epic 60 minute masterpieces across the country, sweating, struggling, and BLEEDING in front of 2,000 people who loved WRESTLING. While Earthquake was sitting on Jake Robert’s “snake,” Sting and Vader were MURDERING each other in pursuit for the WCW Title. While Mr. T, Liberace, and a drunken Billy Marten were doing everything in their ability to put “star power” into the WWF, 15,447 fans were CRAMMING the Greensboro Coliseum to watch two men with all the star power they needed (Ric Flair and Harley Race) do battle for the NWA World Heavyweight Title at the first ever Starrcade. While Val Venus was getting his penis chopped off by ridiculously stereotyped Japanese “actors,” Ric Flair was making his triumphant return to the very same Greensboro Coliseum in one of the single most emotional moments in wrestling history. While Jake Roberts was locking the Ultimate Warrior in dark rooms full of snakes and burying him alive, The Steiner Brothers were wrestling some of the most intense matches ever seen in North America against the team of Sting and Lex Luger.

Thank you NWA.

Thank you WCW.

Your blood, sweat, and tears will NEVER be forgotten.

Don’t Pay more than $10 for this tape.

A really good, moving, historic show, but for God sakes, everybody and their illegitimate child taped this Nitro, so there’s no reason to pay $20 for a copy of it from some fancy dealer who has probably never seen boobs before in his life. I always picture these dealers as guys who’s rooms are just overflowing the Japanese wrestling tapes. Sometimes I think that they roll around in the tapes, like Uncle Scrooge used to do on Ducktales with all his money. Then I laugh to myself…

-And I’m out… Thanks again for reading my long-winded rambling sessions cleverly disguised as TAPE REVIEWS. I hope all of you had an awesome Christmas and an even better New Years. Mine were awesome, thanks for asking. It was really nice to get away from school for a few weeks and spend some time with my parents as well as my old friends. This is the point where I tell you that I’ll be back in a week or so with another tape review, even though we all know that a month is probably more accurate of a figure 🙂 Coming up next is either WWF Canadian Stampede or Bret Hart: Wrestling with Shadows, based on which one I dig up first. I’ve got a MASSIVE box of wrestling tapes secretly hidden in my closet, as if they were sheet music in Taliban controlled Afghanistan. The best way to lose the interest of any girl is to have her see your extensive collection of decades old wrestling videos… trust me. Thanks again for being the best damn readers on the net, WAY cooler than those Smarks dorks. As always, I’d love to hear from you, YES YOU, so if you’ve got any questions, comments, review suggestions, or general feedback, feel free to drop me an email. Until next time, remember that no matter how down you might get about little things, things could be much worse. At least you’re not one of the DVDVR guys. You have alot to be thankful for. I’ll end this by quoting the unspoken code of the DVDVR faithful…

“Who Needs Girls when you have WORKRATE.”

*P.S. My twin brother Jay just posted a new Column at the Smarks. I know it’s at the Smarks, but I PROMISE you that it doesn’t suck. If you’re in a light-hearted mood, you can also email his girlfriend and let her know that her main man not only secretly watches hours of wrestling a week. Also, make sure you let her know that her fella also seems to be poised for a “Poster of the Year” award over on the SmarkForum. If that doesn’t get him an extra long goodnight kiss, I don’t know what will…

Ken Anderson