TNA: In The Zone 3/25/06

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TNA: In The Zone for 3/25/06

Hey everybody, sorry I’m late this week, but I was at Mid-South Con this past weekend, and no matter how much I enjoy sharing my skewed view of wrestling with you guys, girls in chainmail bikinis always takes precedence. I know you understand. Anyway, I said last week that there wouldn’t BE an In The Zone this week, but better late than clichéd, right?

We start with your standard video run-down of the angles that TNA want us to remember.

Steiner’s speech from last week. Do I really have to hear this again?

3D versus Team Canada in a Six Sides of Steel match.

Konnan’s tough love on Machete. Is it me, or has Konnan become the Mommy Dearest of TNA. First the thing with the shoe throwing, now this. Homicide just stares blankly while Konnan spouts “I did what I did because that’s what I do.” Up next, Konnan will become a one eyed, spinach eating sailor. Borash can be Olive Oil.

We see Joe asking Larry Z for his re-match again…

We see (again) the Planet Jarrett beat-down on Sting…

And then we come full circle to Steiner. The show is minutes old, and my stomach is already soured. To summarize, they review EVERYTHING that has sucked recently (except the coming cage match, and the suckage there has yet to be determined.) Steiner says that if we have a problem with Jarrett, then we have a problem with him. Isn’t there a line that one of the other guys uses? Something about shoot comments?

So we start the night off with Tenay in the ring announcing that once again this year, all the matches at Lockdown will be in the Six Sides of Steel. Didn’t that idea pretty much suck last year? I can understand the psychology of a cage match, to help end a feud, or whatnot, but by putting ALL of the matches in a cage, it somehow seems to lose its mystique.

Tenay then introduces Samoa Joe. They push the point that this man has (at least in TNA) never been pinned and has never submitted. The crowd is so into this guy. He draws more face cheers AND heel heat than just about anybody. Joe cuts a short (but sweet) promo, and then we get a video package of his Lockdown opponent.

It’s the Homicidal…

Suicidal…

Genocidal…
SABU. Sweet Fucking Christmas came early, Joe versus Sabu at Lockdown. With nothing else really booked yet, I am buying this PPV. During the video, the production crew keeps cutting to Joe for reaction shots. This man really has no soul. I can’t wait. This will be a match between someone who loves causing pain, and someone who thrives on it.

Borash is standing by in the back to get some face time with Team 3D. Standard promo by the former Dudleys, but still good. I do have to “testify” that Brother Devon is looking RIPPED these days. Ray is getting in better shape every day, but Devon is really bulking up.

Next up is a match ‘tween the Diamonds in the Rough and Team USA, Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt. Sonjay is flying Old Glory for all the world to see. Simon “Vince Vaughn” Diamond leads Skipper and Young to an early attack, but they really can’t compete with the X-Div guys. The only Diamond in the Rough that is on equal footing is Elix. At one point David Young hits his spinebuster, but only gets 2. I thought that was supposed to be his finisher. How could someone kick out of it?

The announcers do their very best during this match to talk about EVERYTHING else that they can. It’s not as if these X-Div guys are the future of wrestling or anything.

As a side note, I haven’t had a chance to check the news, but near the end of this match, Jay Lethal really lands rough after what looked to be an attempt at a top-rope round kick. He never really got up after that, till the very end. Jay, we in the zone hope you aren’t hurt. We’d hate to see the killer push that a talented guy like you has been getting be ended so soon by a freak injury.

After the match, Borash is AGAIN lurking backstage. This time he seems to want an interview from Team Canada. They all look pretty skittish about hat is going down in tonight’s main event. Great foreshadowing here. Larry Z comes in to confront D’Amore’s griping, eliciting a GREAT promo from the Team Canada coach (not something I’m used to). More of THIS, I’d like to see.

Afterwards, Big Z is approached by Mark “Slick” Johnson. Seems he wants to referee more matches. This is a load of shit. It’s bad enough that we have such talented workers vying for TV time, the refs should stay out of it.

Then Sting Spoke Unto The Masses.

The words of The Stinger rang true…

Jarrett Tainted his retirement (like everything else JJ touches). Sting tells us that JJ is a cancer (Really? Maybe Sting is a Leo. I’m a Libra.) During the promo they show more clips of the tea-bagging that Sting took at the hands of Planet Jarrett. Sting then suggests some sort of “war games” like match. A cage with a lid, and weapons.

TWO MEN ENTER! ONE MAN LEAVES!

Oh, and by the way, Steve Borden isn’t coming to lockdown, Sting is. Wait a second, weren’t we supposed to be more afraid of Steve Borden like two weeks ago?

Yay! Just when things were getting interesting, JJ and Steiner come out to intimidate the announcers. Meanwhile the Naturals are announced for their match. I know that JJ and Steiner are gonna jump them, as I didn’t ever hear their opponents announced. Apparently, Jarrett doesn’t want to see a match by these two talents, so he has Steiner do what (unfortunately) Steiner does best. Beat up the little guy. We even get to see it twice, as we come back from the commercial.

Once again, we go to the back. Once again, Borash is interviewing somebody. This time, it’s Konnan and Homicide, talking more about “How Dey Do it on da streets.” Well, Konnan talks. Homicide just kinda stands there, hoping to not get knocked on the noggin by Konnan’s tube sock. The James Gang and Bullet Bob interrupt, and LAX takes a powder. BB challenges Konnan to an arm wrestling match, and I get a sinking feeling. At Lockdown, it’ll be a Six Sides of Steel, EXTREME ARM WRESTLING CHALLENGE!!! Next up will be a Bullet Bob on a Pole match. Jeezus, has no one EVER told them that arm wrestling matches are NEVER entertaining?

The Six Sides of Steel match is next. Eric young plays the part of a lamb-to-the-slaughter very well. I love the pre-match taped interview. “To be honest, We’re petrified…” “No we’re not!” Roode interrupts. Team Canada has been great so far tonight. I expect this match to be a five on two affair, but the referee surprises me and ejects the rest of Team Canada. Petey, A1, and D’Amore seem pissed, but they leave. 5 earns you ten that we’ll see them again. Doesn’t Team 3D have any friends? I know, we should have a lumberjack cage match. Yeah!

Speaking of Cages, we have no champ again tonight. Wouldn’t all of Christian’s matches be “Cage” matches?

As a matter of fact, tonight we have had:
No Captain Charisma Christian Cage
No Monte Brown
No AJ Styles
No Matt Bentley
No Christopher Daniels
No Alex Shelley
No Abyss
No Rhino
No AMW
No Jackie
No Jackie’s Cleavage

That’s right, NO JACKIE’S CLEAVAGE!!!
Anyway, Eric continues his act, hiding behind Bobby Roode. Either this guy is really good at staying in character, or Ray threatened to eat him. During this match, Eric Young does a SICK blade job. There are actually chants of “Lets go Eric!” as my man wears the proverbial Scarlet Mask. He rallies against the dominating Team 3D, and the crowd eats it up.

What gives, 2 commercial breaks in this match?

Anyway, we have some really nice aerial camera work in this match, and Eric does the J.O.B. AMW Breaks into the cage to get ’em some, and the rest of the Canadians come in as well. (Take AMW off my list above) Team USA tries to assist Team 3D (TOO MANY TEAMS), but AMW keeps the good guys at bay, allowing the Canadian beat-down to continue. Petey tries to smash Ray through a table, but can’t get it to break. What had been a great match becomes a real clusterf*ck. One thing remains constant, though. Eric Young is STILL selling the head wound. The Canadians sing their anthem, but EY passes out, seemingly from blood loss.

Post show: We are treated to a new Paparazzi Production. James Mitchell stalking Christian’s Wife, Denise (no last name). It seems that demon ministers don’t stand out at all at Wal-Mart. There is a joke there, but it’s really too sad, and thus I move on.

Well, if you have read this whole column, and not just skipped to the end, you can probably figure out who is In The Zone. We have our first two timer this week. Due to his outrageous performance, Eric Young is In The Zone.

And I don’t care if you disagree. X gets the square.

Dougie

icarusfallz@yahoo.com