It’s the most magical time of the year! It’s time for Wrestlemania! I’m Tom Pandich and boy, oh boy, do we have a Raw for you. Tonight Vince McMahon battles John Cena in a four star classic that has no chance of being an Angle Advancement match. Seriously though, we’ve got”¦ THE MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE! Um, there’s also a match between Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson against Victoria and Candice Michelle. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! Wrestlemania is less then six days away and they’re giving us all kinds of terrible tonight. Good lord, what did we do deserve this. Well, I’m here. I’ll tough it out with you fine folks if you stick with me. Keep it tuned here all night to see if I can stop myself from pulling the trigger.
We start things out tonight with Vinnie Mac talking about how he’s wrestling John Cena. Vince also announces Shawn Michaels vs Triple H which will hopefully go for forty minutes. Fireworks and we’re Live from Omaha, Nebraska. Joey Styles welcomes us and here comes Mrs Foley’s baby boy!
Foley comes down with two red boxes shaped like two by fours, leaving one at the entrance ramp. A video package is shown as Lita is destroyed. Foley apologizes for last week and pulls out some flowers for Lita to apologize. Edge’s gift is up on the entrance ramp. Mick invites Edge to get his gift. Here comes Edge.
Edge doesn’t want his gift, even though Foley says its something he can use. Edge says what Foley needs is a win at Wrestlemania but the only thing Foley is walking out with is”¦ a paycheck. Ouch! Foley has some sort of crazy in his eyes tonight. Foley says he doesn’t want any money. He wants that defining Wrestlemania Moment. He’s not going to hear Edge’s cries for mercy as he lost his ear flashing out the battle scar from his match with Vader. Foley says that he wants to traumatize children with the amount of harm he’s going to cause to Edge. Goddamn, that’s the best line I’ve heard Foley say in years.
Foley screams at Edge to open the box. Edge opens the box and it’s a baseball bat. “You arrogant son of a bitch!” Edge charges down to the ring with the bat and Foley pulls out his barbed wire bat. Foley knocks the bat out of Edge’s hands and Edge is on the run. Foley misses and hits the announcer’s table with the bat as Edge and Lita bail into the stands.
A promo package runs for Edge vs Foley? After it, Mick is sitting in a corner rocking back and forth with his bat. The Cactus Jack music plays and he’s cut open his mouth. Crazy awesome promo. I think Edge/Foley might be match of the night if Edge pulls out TLC level insanity. That takes us to commercial.
Kane vs Carlito: Rematch”¦ FROM HELL
Carlito has apparently asked for this rematch. Carlito bails as Kane comes into the ring. Kane gets chop blocked before he can do his fire thing. Kane eats a spin kick which gets Carlito two. Carlito fights Kane tries to take over. Carlito gets tossed into a corner and Kane eats a leg and Carlito comes off the top rope locking on a sleeper hold. Carlito gets flipped over Kane’s head and eats a big boot. Kane tosses Carlito into the corner and hits him with 15 punches followed by two huge lariats and a side slam. Carlito is dazed but gets an eye poke in. Carlito hops to the outside and bounces off the top. Kane grabs Carlito in mid air and Carlito pulls the ref into the way for the DQ.
Winner: Kane
Carlito races to the back and Kane follows. Carlito begs for his life and, in the words of the great Admiral Akhbar, IT’S A TRAP! Masterpiece, Murdoch, and Cade jump Kane and lock him in the back. They block the door with a forklift and here comes the Big Show. The Big Show tries to push the forklift out of the way.
Up front here comes Chris Masters and Carlito. They’re happy at their genius. In the back Show has just about pushed the forklift out of the way. Unfortunaetly, there was a back door and Kane has used that to make his escape. Carlito and Masters look shocked in the ring and that takes us to commercial.
From WWE Unlimited: “Mistakes are not cool”. Hah. When we come back, Wrestlemania gets pimped. The Hall of Fame ceremony gets pimped. Wrestlemania starts at 7 and is a four hour show this year.
We’re back and Chris Masters is talking about how no one breaks his Masterlock and that how they’re winning the tag titles at Wrestlemania. Masters is able to count to four. Hurrah! Here comes the Big Show with his classic music.
Masterlock Challenge- Big Show: For Christsakes, end this gimmick
Kane chases off Carlito. Thank goodness for that. Masters tries to hook Big Show in twice before saying that the Big Show is all greased up. Comment of the night by the King: “If Chris Masters stands still, a puddle forms around him.” Hah. Masters tries for a third time to hook on the Masterlock before realizing he physically can’t. He attacks Big Show before getting a huge meat slap from the Big Show followed by a chokeslam. That’s all she wrote and that takes us back to commercial.
What’s her face from Destiny’s Child is going to be singing the National Anthem. Not Beyonce. Whatever. We get a career retrospective of John Cena interviewing his trainer at the Hard Nocks Gym, Cena playing football, his debut WWE match against Kurt Angle. This is a nice little documentary that establishes John Cena as a bad ass. He says he doesn’t have a “Dean Malenko’s move list” but he’ll get his ass kicked and get back up. The IWC will shit on this video, but damn, it was a fantastic package and it made me like Cena more.
HALL OF FAME TIME! SATURDAY NIGHT! The pre-show will be on wwe.com. The show is picked up by USA at 11 PM. The new inductee is”¦ MR. USA TONY ATLAS!!! First African American Tag Team Champion in the WWF. He’s being inducted by none other then SD JONES! Wow, wonderful. This is quite the great class as far as I’m concerned. A nice mix of Superstars, true innovators, and personalities this year. Shawn Michaels is heading down to the ring, and it’s commercial time again.
The Axe Molestation Moment is Cena saving Shawn Michaels! Axe Body Gel: Now Available in Pre-Teen!
Triple H vs Shawn Michaels: “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s”¦”
HBK and Triple H fight each other with passion. Shawn’s goofy shirt has turned into a JESUS CAPE! They hammer away at each other and Shawn Michaels hits a Thez Press and says a rosary rather then flicking off Triple H. Big clothesline and Triple H heads to the outside. They brawl across the announcers table sending Joey Styles running. Triple H and Shawn go into the stands and Triple H gets back dropped over the guard rail. They head back into the ring and Triple H hits his rising knee drop. Triple H hammers away at Shawn in the corner. Shawn counters and heads off the middle rope. KICK WHAM BACKDROP TO THE FLOOR! Triple H is on the floor again and here comes Vince McMahon effectively killing what slim chance this match had to go without a sports entertainment finish. Commercial time.
We’re back and Triple H hits a giant spinning spinebuster. During the break, Triple H hit a big rising knee. Nice delay vertical suplex on Shawn followed by a knee drop. Triple H hits quite a few body blows as both Coach and Jerry Lawler call Joey Styles on sucking Vince McMahon’s cock over Muscle and Fitness. Boy, the commentary has been entertaining tonight. Shawn mounts a comeback but nearly has his head torn off by a spinning elbow by Triple H. They head outside and Shawn eats the steel steps. Triple H tries a second time but eats the steps instead. Triple H is dazed and tries for an Irish Whip into the steps, but he gets countered. Shawn is back in and Triple H is dazed. They exchange blows and Shawn hits his flying elbow. Kip up at five and Shawn and the crowd is on fire. Inverted atomic drop. Punch. A second inverted atomic drop. Shawn is on fire. Shawn hits the ropes and is grabbed by Vinnie Mac. KICK, WHAM SLINGSHOT INTO VINCE!
Vince is down. Shawn hits the elbow. He tunes up the band and Vince grabs his leg. Shawn pulls up Vince and hits him with a right. KICK, WHAM, PEDIGREE! It’s all over”¦ or is it. Vince is up and comes in the ring. Triple H heads to the outside and gets the sledgehammer. He takes out the ref and here comes THE CHAMP! Cena and Triple H have a main event staredown. Triple H takes the sledgehammer and DROPS IT OUTSIDE OF THE RING! Triple H and Cena go at it and Cena gets the upper hand dodging a right and send Triple H outside with a hook.
Sports Entertainment Finish
That was a pretty intense ending. If Cena isn’t over by the end of Wrestlemania then he should be turned into Kibbles and Bits as Cena is getting every rub in the world.
Wrestlemania Rewind is of Money in the Bank. During the break, McMahon announced that Cena can have Michaels in his corner tonight because he’s going to have Triple H. There’s going to be a Wrestlemania Press Conference at 1 PM EST on Thursday, streamed live on WWE.com if you’re interested.
WOOOOOO HERE COMES FLAIR! Flair talks about how at Wrestlemania VIII, he lost his title. He was an eight time former world champion and they said he was done. “Are you kidding me!?!” WOO. Flair is going to win Money in the Bank and become Heavyweight Champion for the 17the time whether he ends “up there or down there”. Flair starts to climb the ladder and here comes Shelton!
Shelton and Flair jaw at each other before going at it. Flair gets caught in a Samoan Drop and Shelton starts to climb the ladder after laying Flair out. Here comes RVD! RVD hits an almost powerbomb to Shelton and then sets him up on the ladder. Rolling Thunder and Shelton is laid out. RVD’s got a mic and he says that Wrestlemania is his night. He walks over to Flair but eats an eye poke! Flair rams Rob with the ladder and heads out as the official winner of the promo. WOOO!
We’re back and HERE COMES THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!!!1111111111
Johnny, Kenny, and Mikey vs Val Venis, Eugene, and Viscera: What the f*ck?!!?
I love the Spirit Squad, but what the f*ck is this. Viscera is as close to Mabel he’s been in years in a dark purple jump suit. Viscera hits a side slam on Mikey in Eugene. Eugene rides like a pony and Eugene gets jacked. Quick tags and bouncing and such. Ok, this match has lost me. The Spirit Squad beats up the retard until they make a tag to Val Venis.
Val sends everyone out and goes for the Money Shot but Mikey uses the trampoline to knock him down. Apparently Viscera saw a skittle in Eugene’s beard as he was checking on Eugene the entire time. Val fakes a shoulder injury and this mess is over.
Winners: The Spirit Squad
Post match beatdown gives a leg drop to Val Venis on his injured shoulder. The Spirit Squad cheers on the Vinnie Mac tonight in their worst cheer ever.
It’s Triple H video package time. He’s put over by Mick Foley and we see Triple H pushing weights but in heel form. His weight training is EVIL! Triple H went to Brazil to train with the world famous Portuguese guy who puts Triple H over in Portuguese. Triple H gives Cena a little bit of credit, but says he’s not fit to lace Triple H’s boot. Austin puts Triple H over as does Flair. Triple H’s heart is black! OH DAMN, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK! How can you beat someone whose heart is black!?!! You know, besides cancer. Commercial time.
This week in Wrestlemania history. The Refrigerator, William Perry was in a battle royal and the world cried. Also Cena is announced as inducting William “The Refrigerator” Perry. We run through the card and I go to take a piss. I am the official Wrestling Roundtable compiler for Wrestlemania 22 in case you’re wondering. How hot is that? Hotter then half the card I say.
Speaking of hot, there’s Mickie James in her Trish Stratus Stalker Chamber Room! Her new obsession is taking Trish’s title. Well yay for that. In the back, Trish is freaked out. It’s ok though. Torrie Wilson and her dog are here to help, as are Torrie’s hard nips. That’s (ugh) next.
In case you’re tuning in, Wrestlemania is only six days away. In case you’re like me, you’re tuning out.
Evil boobs vs Good boobs: If only a Wrestlemania Pimp match would bitchslap Candice Michelle
Torrie starts out with Victoria. Yay. Victoria hammers Torrie and then hits a Spider’s web for two. Candice Michelle stomps on the audience’s patience and Torrie Wilson. Candice slams Torrie into the canvas and Trish is shouting for a tag. Victoria is tagged in and Candice has a rear choke on the top rope. Victoria head butts Candice in the baby maker. Torrie gets the tag and the match breaks down. Trish hits a few of her hurricanerana. Chick kick to Victoria. One”¦..two”¦..three”¦”¦four”¦”¦five CANDICE BREAKS THE COUNT! Christ that was awful. Candice gets taken out by Torrie and they’re out of the match. Victoria sets up Trish for the Widow’s Peak. She fights out of it and uses the Matrix dodge a good three seconds before Victoria throws a clothesline. Stratusfaction and this black hole of a match is over.
Winners: Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson
The Trish/Mickie feud is pimped. Cena/McMahon is next.
John Cena vs Vince McMahon: Yaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnn
Triple H and Shawn Michaels will both be handcuffed to the ring posts. Later, Cena’s contract will be on a pole and Steven Richards (in a dress) will be wrestling Moppie for the Hardcore title. Both are handcuffed. Vince doesn’t lock up with Cena twice. They go at it a third time, lock up, and there is a stalemate. Crowd is 100% behind Cena. They lock up again and the heat draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnsssss from the crowd. Vince puts on a headlock and Cena fights out. Cena tosses Vince to the ground. Vince is bleeding from the ear. Vince gets a slap and it’s test of strength time. Vince is crying as Cena overpowers him. Kick to the balls and it’s over.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
Triple H is unhandcuffed by Vince. Shawn is still strapped to the bottom rope. Sledgehammer shot to Cena and Cena busted open. Triple H taunts Shawn Michaels with the keys. Vince and Triple H corner Shawn and it’s a sledgehammer shot to Shawn followed by a chair shot. The heels celebrate as we fade to black.
For what looked like a miserable show on paper, this was pretty entertaining. Wait, what the f*ck am I talking about? The women’s match was brutal. Cena’s match was brutal. The six man tag was brutal Kane/Carlito was brutal. The show was redeemed though by Foley/Edge, the Cena and Triple H videos, and Flair’s great promo. Still, why the f*ck was this show not a month ago? The past two weeks of wrasslin’ have been brutal. Why couldn’t we get a good, even great show. This Raw reeked of mediocrity at best and shit at worst.
