Monday Night Rabble

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There is 6 days left….

Til RabbleMania II.

So that means nothing

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Will happen tonight on:

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

Now since we are one week away – and this is a fairly lengthy column already – I’m going to make it slightly longer by giving you the UNCUT:

PENNY CANDY FROM THE RABBLE

Awww, my Verne Gagne diatribe got edited out. Well, admittedly I do ramble, but
James, you should have at least left my correction of Jerry Lawler’s revisionist
history in. Lawler was NOT the final AWA champion before the company folded. Larry
Zybysko was.

Whoa, JBL and the Widowmaker in the Hall of Fame? Are they on crack? Oh wait, the
ORIGINAL Blackjacks. Well that’s just super. A broken down drunk who allegedly beat
Barry and Kendall, and a WWE road agent who thought Foley’s wife would have made a
good Godfather Ho.

Um… yeah….

Okay, keeping it short, I’ll close with Mickey/Trish. Best wriiten story in all of
wrestling right now. Most likely because Vince could give two shits about women’s
wrestling so no one has noticed yet that the people writing for them are writing
circles around everyone else. If someone HAD noticed, the angle’d have been quietly
killed by now so as not to show up the Vince/Shawn stuff. Which it does. Constantly.
With A sharp stick to the nuts. Imean come on! Mickey licks blood from her own
bloody nose so she can spit-kiss it into Trish’s mouth? Best moment of the night!
Compared to the crowd being deader than Gary Busey’s frontal lobe during the final
segment. I swear if someone had just coughed the sudden noise would have given Vince
a seizure.

Finishing up my ramble here so as to not take up too much of James’ space, but I
have a theory. See, Vince is doing this whole angle with Shawn, despite the
glaringly obvious lack of any real fanm interest, and while doing so makes little
digs and jabs at Bret. most likely hoping to goad Bret into agreeing to a run-in at
WM22. Which will never happen that way. If Vince ever just offered Bret his hand, IN
private, away from any camera or mic and said “Bret, I screwed you, I’m sorry”, Bret
probably would do a simple run-in just to give the fans a warm goodbye memory. But
of course Vince is incapable of acting like a man and admitting fault, so instead he
tries to goad Bret into agreeing, so he can prove he can without having to shame
himself with any admissions of wrongdoing.

Til next week, I’m Penny. Not the Arcade kind. I’m cuter than Tycho and I draw
better than Gabe.

(Penny’s commentary is not reflective of James or the Rabble, but you can email me and I’ll make sure she gets it)


Hey it’s a week til Wrestlemania!!!!!!!

Tonight – Vince is going to give us a special special event….
“We get to book the show?” – Hernandez

he will be facing the world champion, John Cena.
“..oh.. yeah real special..” – Chris
“A technical masterpiece in the making” – Hernandez

Also we have Shawn Michaels going against Triple H. In the match we were promised we would never see again.

Now coming down to the ring carrying two large red boxes…. Mick Foley? Yes, Mick Foley. Last week Mick gives Lita some hot Socko action…
“And Edge.. is still powerless.” – Chris

So Mick grabs the mic – “This Sunday I will fight Edge in a Hardcore match at Wrestlemania, but that does not give me the right to take his sweet innocent little girlfriend and shove her fingers down her throat…”
“Or do that to Lita” – Michael

“…and that was wrong.”
So he brought Lita some roses in the box, and up at the top of the stage is another box for Edge.
“Exploding roses.” – Bill

You think you know me….
“Oh hey there is a box up there.” – Hernandez
“Yeah, there are two of em on the stage now…” – Me

So Edge wants to know the box isn’t trapped. Edge makes a strange vague comparison to Mick Foley being like an ATM account. How Mick is doing this for the money. Mick announces that it isn’t about the money – it’s about the defining Wrestlemania moment that Mick has pictured in his head – and he wants to Edge–
“To want ME!” – Michael

–to lose his ear like Mick did so many moons ago. He wants Edge to realize this was a

“Come on punching glove on a spring” – Bill
“Banana cream pie!” – Michael
“Get readyyy forrr a surrprissssee!” – Chris

It was a bat. Obviously….. so Edge is coming down to give Mick something —
“Chlymidia..” – Me

Well as Edge gets into the ring with the bat – Foley opens the roses box and there is a baseball bat with barbed wire…. they go back and forth a bit and chase off right into a Mick Foley hardcore promo. As we come back, Foley is sitting in the corner, hugging his bat.
“He’s not looking as badass as he used to…” – Me

Then we notice he’s bleeding from the mouth because HE IS LICKING THE BARBED WIRE!
“…..oohhh kay, he is still pretty badass..” – Me

COMMERCIAL – So who is winning MICK OR EDGE
“Edge” – Chris
“Sadly.. Edge” – Hernandez
“Edge” – Jen
“Being an optimist, Mick Foley. Lita distinctly loses.” – Bill
“Edge” – Eric
“I’m pulling for Mick” – Michael
“I too am pulling for Mick” – Me

In the ring – we got some Carlito, who does not get full entrance music. He of course gets to face Kane.
“Ohhh Carlito is going to get his ass kicked… shocker” – Chris

So as Kane is about to get his pyro hitting – and Carlito clips his leg before the fire hits.

CARLITO vs. KANE
yep yep yep…

Carlito goes dropkick to the fallen Kane. Carlito sits up. We note that since the pyro didn’t go off – he wins. So Carlito puts him into a sleeper. Kane throws him over the top of his head and grabs Carlito with 11 big fists – a running clothesline – a second… a sidewalk slaaaaaam….

Kane is heading up to the top. Clothesline! So Carlito stumbles to the corner and Kane charges in and gets kicked out – and some horrible set-up that leads into a plancha from Carlito into the chokeslam.

Carlito pulls the ref into Kane’s path and an offhand backhand from Kane ends the match in DQ.

WINNER: CARLITO

So we go to the back and as Kane is about to attack Carlito – in run Murdoch and Cade
“Is that Larry The Cable Guy?” – Michael

and then Masters with a forklift… they toss Kane into a backroom.
“He’s… IN THE CLOSSSETT!” – Michael

So, Masters pulls the forklift up to block the door. So Big Show runs in – tosses everyone, camera man included.
“AND HE KEEPS THE SHOT” – Hernandez

So now Big Show is trying to PUSH the forklift out of the way as Masters heads to the ring. In the back Big Show is pushing the forklift out of the way… as Kane comes down the hallway.
“Do you need help?” – Kane
“Yeah if… HEY HOW’D YOU GET OUT OF THERE” – Show
“…the other door.” – Kane
“And out of nowhere.. comedy!?!?” – Me
“..from Kane?” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL – Tag Title Match @ Wrestlemania
“ShowKane – otherwise it’s despicable” Chris
“Carlito Masters” – Hernandez
“..probably Carlito and Masters” – Jenna
“Show & Kane” – Bill
“ShowKane” – Michael
“ShowKane” – Eric
“I say ShowKane” – Me

So now Masters is talking – we ignore until Big Show comes in…and Kane goes after Carlito.

This is apparently a Masterlock Challenge.
“OH NO HE FLEXED HIS PECS” – Hernandez
“Big Show is gonna have to help him out on this one” – Hernandez
“Take your time Chris.. accuracy is important” – Michael

So Show sits on the chair – raises his arms – and smirks.
“All Show has to do is sneeze and he’ll rip his arms out of the sockets” – Michael

So Masters makes Show ‘ungrease’ his arms.
“Wait.. SHOW is greased up!?” – Joey Styles

So Masters can’t get his hands around Show’s neck… then a big club to the back of the head – a mean chop to Masters, and he tosses the chair at the cameraman.
“So we’re losing cameramen left and right tonight” – Hernandez
“Wait, can I change my vote… it’s going to be Carlito Masters at Wrestlemania” – Chris

COMMERCIAL – Mickey Vs. Trish
“Trish” – Chris
“I’m hoping Mickey..” – Hernandez
“Mickey” – Jenna
“Mickey” – Bill
“Mickey” – Eric
“Trish… it’s always been that way” – Michael
“I’m going Trish…” – Me

So singing ‘Chicago’s Own’ at Wrestlemania is Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child. We then get the run of Wrestlemania matches. Including a long Trips and Cena package. They’ve never met.
“So… why are they wrestling?” – Eric

So our inductions to the Hall of Fame: Bret Hart
“Think they’ll screw him again? APRIL FOOLS!” – Bill
Sherrie Martel, Verne Gagne, The Blackjacks, Mene Gene, Eddie Guerrero inducted by–
“Everyone else..” – Michael

And now – who else? TONY ATLAS!
“..please.. show Saba Simba…” – Me

Tony Atlas was a huge huge man. They show him press slamming Hulk Hogan. They show him and Rocky Johnson beating the Wild Samoans for the World Tag Team Belts. He will be inducted by S.D. Jones?!?!
“The induction will take roughly 11 seconds” – Me

COMMERCIAL – Diva Pillow Fight @ Wrestlemania (Torie vs. Candice)
“Candice” – Chris
“Don’t really give a damn” – Hernandez
“Do I have to care?” – Jenna
“Torie” – Bill
“Don’t really care..” – Michael
“Ya know, we didn’t have a gravy match this year…” – Eric
“Maria!” – Me

In the ring though…. it’s time to —
“Waasssstee five minnnutessss” – Me
“Not wressssstle” – Chris
“..Meta Gaaaame” – Hernandez

TRIPLE H vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
I swear.. this is the LAST time!

And they get into the ring and fist to fist we go! Chops in the corner – fists in the corner – fists in the middle of the ring – and Shawn finally tosses Trips to the ropes and a Thesz Press. Then tosses Trips to the outside.
“If this was the Rumble.. it would be over already” – Hernandez

So Shawn gets pulled to the outside and they fight along the broadcast table.
“Now the table kinda smells…” – Bill
“Like Cocoa Butter and stale McMahon vagina..” – Me
“Oh Stephanie’s always in season..” – Hernandez

So out into the audience they go and a big suplex sends Trips lands Flairishly on his side. Back in the ring Trips gets a cheapshot in and has time to shake the sillies out while they both get to their feet. A big punch sends Shawn to the mat. Another to the second turnbuckle.

Shawn tries to get to the top rope – he leaps and Trips catches him – goes for the Pedigree and tossed to the outside goes Trips..
“QUAD QUAD QUAD QUAD OW OW OW I’M DONE!” – Hernandez

Here comes Vince! OOoooo….
“He’s giving Shawn those ‘Oh yeah’ eyes..” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL – Shawn vs. Vince
“Shawn” – Chris
“Shawwwwwn!” – Hernandez
“Shawn” – Jenna
“Shawn” – Bill
“Vince probably” – Michael
“Vince” – Eric
“Vince w/ Shane Shenanigans” – Me
“Be careful what you ask for, you might get Linda Shenanigans” – Hernandez
“Will they be…. SHANE ANIGANS? ..whatever..” – Chris

Shawn sends Trips to the ropes, and BIG BIG Spinebuster…. and Shawn sells it well. Standing suplex from Hunter…. Nice time. So big fist to Trips – and Shawn comes back with his own…. then Trips with his own.
“Stiff.. Oww.. cut it out…. No it wasn’t! Yes it Was!” – Hernandez
“Tastes great! Less Filling!” – Michael

Finally ending in Shawn getting tossed to the outside. Shawn with heads to the steps. On a second round – Shawn stops Trips and hits it himself. They crawl back in and BACK to the fist to fist…. Shawn hits the ropes, ducks the clothesline and flying elbow.
“KICK UP AND 80s MOVESET IN EFFECT” – Hernandez

Shawn kicks up – hits the ropes – Shawn gets tripped up by Vince McMahon.. Trips sets up the pedigree. Shawn drops him and a monkeyflip RIGHT into Vince. Shawn hits the big elbow off the top.
“An elbow from Jesus!” – Bill
“Can we call that move the 3rd nail?” – Hernandez

J E S U S C — -Vince interruption. Shawn grabs him by the tie and a BIG fist drops the Chairman. He turns around and a kick to the gut – Pedigree. Now in runs Vince and puts Shawn in a chokehold while Trips grabs the sledgehammer. Dead ref, and here comes–
“Marty!” – Hernandez

–Cena. Now Trips with sledgehammer and Cena face to face. Trips drops the hammer….. and they go to it! Fist to fist…. but Cena gets the over the top… a fist sends Trips over the top and the ring has been cleared.
“It ain’t over..” – Trips
“It’s only ten o’clock” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL – Money In The Bank (Flair, RVD, Benjamin, Lashley, Hardy, Finley)
“Flair.. WOO!” – Bill
“RVD” – Hernandez
“RVD” – Jenna
“Probably RVD” – Michael
“Fit Finley came down in a leather jacket missing one arm…” – Hernandez
“Ooo that’s very Kurgan, I change my vote to Fit Finley”
“RVD” – Eric
“Out of nowhere… I take Matt Hardy” – Me

So in the ring, there is a ladder and a money in the bank case… and here comes Ric Flair..
“WOO!” – Bill
“Is he hanging some lighting?” – Hernandez
“They’re letting him start the match early..” – Eric

Flair discusses his loss of the title at Wrestlemania so many years ago. He struts and discusses how he is going to be retiring with the 17th title with him.
“Woo!” – Bill

So Ain’t No Stopping Shelton Now – and he comes down having stolen right from the Rock’s Waredrobe… He discusses how Ric is NOT going to win this match. Wrestlemania is going to be HIS night. Ric though hears none of it and hits Shelton… Shelty fights out and hits a samoan drop. Shelton now climbs the ladder just in time for RVD to come in and throw Shelton to the mat.

He sets Benjy on the ladder – rolling thunder RIGHT onto the ladder.
“Which he somehow turns into a neck bump” – Hernandez

So RVD goes and discusses how he is going to win that match, and it’s everyone for themself. Which Ric proves by thumbing him in the eye and bailing.

COMMERCIAL – Booker T vs. Boogieman
“Boogieman” – Hernandez
“I admire a guy who can eat worms” – Bill
“Boogieman” – Jenna
“Probably Boogieman” – Michael
“Boogieman” – Eric
“I agree with Boogieman” – Me

It’s time for our favorite S’S!
“HEIL!” – Bill
“PANZERFAUST” – Hernandez
“BLITZKRIEG” – Chris
“Kompressor Eat Your Candy” – Michael

SPIRIT SQUAD vs. EUGENE VISCERA & VAL VENIS
“Wha!? Island of Misfit Wrestlers” – Hernandez

Viscera starting in the ring with Mikey. He rolls out of Viscera’s grasp and gets caught thrown into the corner. Viscera hits a black hole slam (See TNA) on Mikey and in runs Johnny – but Eugene runs in to stop him and somehow those are our new tag partners.

Mikey hits a pin for two. A tag to Kenny. Tosses Eugene to the ropes and a big leaping elbow. Tag back to Mikey – and now fast punches – a moonwalk Michael Jackson run in clothesline.
“Brilliant.. Keep it!’ – Michael

So a tag into Mikey and planches a moonsault off of Mikey. Now a bodyslam from Johnny and a pin for two. Tag back to Johnny and a big fist….. but Eugene ducks and now rolls out of the way and we get a tag to Val Venis who keeps clotheslining Spirit Squaders. Sending all by Johnny to the outside.

He goes up to the top, but Mikey uses the trampopoline to hit Val off the turnbuckle.
“They just took out the star of Harry Twatter” – Bill

WINNER: Spirit Squad

So now the Spirit Squad goes and throws Eugene – planches to the second rope and Kenny does his top rope legdrop on Val…

Then we get a nice (horrible) Spirit Squad chant… and their wrestling is MUCH better than them working their gimmick.

COMMERCIAL – JBL vs. Chris Benoit
“Benoit… maybe.. Benoit.” – Chris
“JBL – Benoit had his Wrestlemania Moment” – Hernandez
“Pains me to say.. JBL” – Bill
“JBL’s the one with the hat? Then Benoit” – Michael
“Benoit” – Jenna
“I hope for Benoit” – Eric
“I also say Benoit” – Me

Also being inducted into the Wrestlemania HoF – Walter The Refridgerator Perry

So now in the back – Mickie James in her Trish shrine…. wearing very little and her new obsession… destroying Trish. So yeah, Mickey is our Lech of the night unless Candice comes out wearing me.
“Involves Baal!” – Chris
“Involves batteries” – Hernandez

So Trish watches on and Torrie wants to talk to her.
“Hey Torrie, cold in there?” – Me
“Hey that’s where my M&M’s went!” – Michael

So the girls tag team match is next…
“And when we say tag team.. we mean………….wrestling” – Me

COMMERCIAL – Casket Match – Taker vs. Mark Henry
“Taker” – Bill
“Taker” – Hernandez
“zzzzzz…no she’s sleeping – Taker” – Jenna
“Taker, natch” – Eric
“Taker, then retires” – Chris
“Taker, of course” – Me

So here comes Trish and Torrie! Candice is actually wearing a latex red corset… so yeah it’s nice, but Micky’s insanity wins this week…

TRISH & TORRIE vs CANDICE & VICTORIA
Red Latex!?

So Victoria starts with Torrie… and Candice distracts her only to get clotheslined by Victoria. A spinning sideslam from Victoria gets two.. then a tag to Candice. She picks Torrie up by the head and slams her down.

She spins around.. and picks Torrie up and another faceslam. Only a two count. She runs Torrie into Victoria’s boot and a tag to Victoria. She throws her into Candice, Candice holds her sitting on the top turnbuckle – and Victoria charges in, Torrie moves n we get a face in the crotch shot. The tag to Trish! Trish clears the ring, clothesline to Victoria – hurricanrana from Candice… Whirlybird Rana to Victoria.

The….. chick kick and a two count stopped by Candice. Torrie and Candice fight on the outside while Victoria picks up Trish for the Widow’s Peak. Trish hits the Stratusfaction – that’s it.

WINNER: TRISH & TORRIE
“Blood baaaath!!!!” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL – REY vs. ORTON vs. ANGLE
“Rey” – Chris
“Rey, but I’m pulling for Orton & Angle…” – Bill
“Rey, and I’m pulling for Bill’s death….” – Hernandez
“Rey” – Jenna
“Gotta go for Rey” – Michael
“Rey” – Me
“Oh yes.. Rey it is.” – Me

So we come back and Trips is in the ring already… and here comes Vince McMahon…
“GREASED UP!” – Bill
“That’s what happened to Big Poppa Pump, they just sewed Vince’s head on him..” – Michael

Vince does laps around the ring and he is just as big as we have been told.

JOHN CENA vs. VINCE McMAHON
Champ Vs. Bossman

Vince has the mic… and wants them to know before he puts on a Herculean clinic. He doesn’t want Trips and Shawn interfering, so both are being handcuffed to the ring.
“So what was the point..” – Eric
“Trips has a key – Bill

The bell rings and here they are face to face.
“I think Vince is bigger than Cena..” – Hernandez

Everytime they try and lock-up, Vince bails. Finally a lock-up! Then they back off. Another lock-upand another brush off. Finally side headlock..
“TAP” – Bill

Cena gets out of it and starts tossing Vince around – Vince is actually bleeding from the ear at this point in time! There is a long long test of strength between the two, and it’s just dragging here. Kick to the nuts – and Vince of course is Dq’d….

So Vince and Triple H go nuts all over Cena… and that’s that. One week before Wrestlemania and a pretty damn show actually… what did the Rabble think? Also who is going to win the main event…

“Cena” – Chris
“Cena” – Bill
“Undecided” – Hernandez
“Cena” – Michael
“Trips” – Eric
“I have no idea whatsoever” -Me

So that brings us to0 the end of another fine Rabble with a show that was above and beyond what I expected with the biggest show of the year around the year

Well we’ll see you there kids. RABBLEMANIA!

Bye yall