In Memoriam: Richard Fleischer, not only for his excellent work as a director, but for his efforts to make sure that the work of his father and uncle was preserved and made as available as possible for new generations to see in their best light. Now if only Time-Warner and King Features would cooperate and get those Popeye sets out…
Shut up, Nebraska. God hates you and you know it. – Adult Swim bumper
Jean Van De Velde won a golf tournament.
Yes, you read that right. Jean Van De Velde won a golf tournament. Naturally, he collapsed on the final hole, but he ended up winning. Is seven years of punishment so easily erased? No, I’m afraid not. This, after all, wasn’t the Open Championship. However, the healing process has begun. Maybe he’ll no longer be the punchline to every golf joke…no, that won’t happen either. When you do a Collapse For The Ages, you’re in that position for life. It’ll be the lead in his obit. And seven years isn’t enough. It’s been twelve years since Wrestlemania 10, yet Scooter’s still getting mileage out of Luger being a choker.
(By the way, speaking of choking, Stephen Ames, it’ll take more than winning the Players’ to get the memory of that 9-8 loss to Tigger in the Match Play out of people’s heads. You’re going to need another big-time win to do that.)
And that, of course, bring us to the unassailable fact that it’s Wrestlemania week. A good portion of the Wrestling staff is headed to Chicago while I, a Chicagoan, will be staying here in Kansas, for good reason. I don’t want to be anywhere near this shitbomb when it blows up. In fact, I’m taking it a bit lazy. The reason there wasn’t a Short Form this weekend was because I didn’t get Impact downloaded in time (PWTorrents was having DNS problems and I had to use a slow public torrent), so that gave me an excuse to just watch Smackdown instead of analyzing it, trying to pick up some clues on how they’re going to play that title match.
We’re already doing the Round Table, but I think I’m safe in saying that I can reveal a few of my impressions right now. It’s quite apparent that, despite the beatdown at the end of Smackdown, both SD straps being defended are going to change hands. That would actually make history in one area. High-Quality Speaker Boy will become the first person in WWE history to hold a world title, a secondary title, a tag title, and both tertiary titles (yes, he did hold the European championship for a short period) should he win. I wonder if this is even going to be mentioned in the victory promo. After all, if you want ammo for the whole “wrestling god” thing, this is a pretty good salvo.
As for that other title match, oh, I’m becoming more and more convinced they’re going to give Orton another run. Everyone’s running to the Rey-Rey Short Bus right now in order to bandwagon it, but I’m not. I don’t think they’ll go for the feel-good ending. This match will end up going off third-from-top, to be followed by Vince/Michaels and Trip/Cena. They don’t have to have a feel-good ending, especially since they’re going to do those for those final two matches. Those people are forgetting that a blow-off can be accomplished by having Orton win as much as Rey-Rey. Frankly, Orton can get more mileage out of a blow-off win here than Rey-Rey can. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Yes, I don’t like it, but it’s logical, and I must bow to logic.
But what about Angle keeping the title? No, it’s not going to happen. I explained why in my Death of WCW Special last week. WWE never lets Angle go over at Wrestlemania when it counts. None of the focus in the Triple Threat has been on him. He’s been the stealthiest world-level champion since Jericho. Also, the groundwork has been layed for Henry to get destroyed by UT to keep The Streak alive, then transition into yet another feud with Angle. Since nobody will buy Mark Henry, World Title Contender a second time, the belt has to come off Angle for that to happen. Yes, Angle will be getting more world title shots after WM (there’s at least three locations in April and May that will be having Wrestlemania Rematches, and at least one will be a cage match), but Henry’s his next feud. Maybe they want to do it right this time, with, you know, build-up. But, as Neeley said, it’s Mark Henry. Poor Kurt. Poor, poor Kurt.
And poor, poor world. Ukraine’s voting their own reformers out of office. Belarus is trying to have a revolution, but nobody’s coming. And as for the situation in Afghanistan…let’s be honest. If Abdul Rahman was being threatened with execution for converting to, say, Buddhism, would as many people be complaining? Here in the States, the most vociferous voices of complaint have been coming from the Religious Reich, the same people who don’t realize that the First Amendement not only guarantees Freedom Of Religion, but Freedom From Religion as well. Not to mention the fact that it fits in with their social agenda. There are reports coming out of Iraq that Shi’ites are taking lessons from Iran on how to persecute and kill gay Iraqis, but we don’t hear any of them saying anything about that. Besides, they don’t recognize the historic parallels. Islam is now fifteen centuries old. At that point in the history of Christianity, the Reformation was about to begin. Rahman is a Jan Hus figure. In order for Islam to start on the road to reform and modernization, he has to die. You think those asshole heretic Protestants would recognize something like that. Martyrs are always a galvanizing figure for opposition. So, let the short-sighted imams kill him. They don’t recognize that history isn’t on their side on this one. By killing Rahman, they’re signing the death warrant for the society they want to protect.
Ah, what else? Oh, yes, the Final Four is set. And, as KC Evers (no relation) notes, the Fix is indeed in:
George Mason. Feel Good Underdog Story with the “Patriots” nickname and of course the George Mason name itself.
As well as a DC team to boot, without the nasty connotations of Georgetown. And isn’t it ironic that George Mason, the person, is known as the Father Of The Bill Of Rights, when the Junta has been trying hard as hell for the last five years to destroy all the freedoms enshrined therein?
Florida. Resident Red State team and Bush Country, through and through.
Enough said.
UCLA. Token Liberal Hotbed area team, so the Democrats are none the wiser.
Not to mention a state school in a state run by a Republican governor under fire.
LSU. Feel Good Hurricane Katrina story.
Not to mention that this also might be a fix by ESPN. The only one of their “experts” to get at least one Final Four pick right is Dickie V, which helps his credibility. Not to mention that that pick was UCLA, which could help lessen the charges of East Coast Bias. Can’t do that, of course; I’ll still keep calling them out on it.
Weird, though. Guess we can officially say that the SEC is no longer just a football conference. Two teams in the Final Four, the emergence of Tennessee…hell, they were so good this year that Vandy was a legit bubble team. The only way this could have been better, really, was if it was Wichita State instead of George Mason in there. Can you imagine Coachman going batshit on Raw last night if that had happened? Well, moreso than usual, that is.
Just want to shift to pro football for a second. There’s a group of people in Miami who are simply not learning their lesson. Of course, Daunte Culpepper will, at some point next season, start for the Dolphins. Now, there’s word that his backup may be Joey Harrington. Look, after the Wannie Disaster, haven’t you learned not to take anyone from the NFC North? They’re gonna be a trendy pick for the Super Bowl come autumn. I’m predicting devastation on par with Dresden after the British got through with it.
(Oh, yeah, Memo to Christian Bellamy: Pinky and the Brain is NOT a guilty pleasure. It’s purely a pleasure.)
I think I’ll just transition into the normal mess now…
THE PIMP SECTION
Our feature on the fifth anniversary of the Death Of WCW is coming to an end. Take the opportunity to read through it. Start with my article, then move forward from there. It’s damn good work.
Lucard makes you feel the Lovecraft tonight.
Blatt‘s back for WM, and we’re glad to have him.
Hevia is forced to reflect because Blatt stole his thunder.
Wallace is still relatively new and doesn’t realize that the Wrestlemania Round Table is a veritable orgy that everyone participates in, but predictions do fit into the format of his column, so he’s forgiven.
Smith disrespects the Fleischer family by not spelling Olive Oyl’s name correctly.
Pomazak predicts the NFC East Coast Bias and does a nifty little South Park reference in the process.
Basilo loved South Park as well. Okay, count me in too. It was a great episode, and a wonderful kickoff to their tenth season. Did you think the show would have lasted this long?
Goober is in catatonic shock over the Final Four. But he picks the Sox to repeat, so he’s aces by me for now.
At least Pandich spooges over Kingdom Hearts II without going “SORU/RIKA OTP 4EVAH!!11!!1!eleventyone”
Stevens can’t find anything to rip off from Newsarama.
IT’S SO CLOSE YOU COULD WALK IT
Methinks Overrated doth protest too much. In an interview with the Calgary Sun this weekend, he yet again stated that 1) he hasn’t signed a contract with WWE, 2) he won’t make an appearance at Wrestlemania, and 3) if Michaels is at the HoF Ceremony, he’ll “get back in a cab and go straight to the airport.”
Uh, Bret, you’d be at the Rosemont Theater. If memory serves, that’s on River Road south of Bryn Mawr. Why bother catching a cab? Just walk up River Road about a mile or so to the El station and get the Blue Line into O’Hare. Cabs will soak you to take you into the airport (it’d end up being about fifteen bucks, I’ll lay you). This way, it’s a buck and a half, and you get to lay off some steam courtesy of the walk, and since you claim you’re not getting paid for the appearance, saving money is an option. Or, if you’re staying at, say, the Hyatt, it’s walking distance from the theater, and you can catch a courtesy bus after you check out. Silly spoiled bitch. I’ve walked it before, so can you.
Of course, in the tissue-constructed web of lies that is wrestling, this tells us that Overrated WILL be showing up at Wrestlemania, and will definitely make an appearance in the Michaels/Vince match. Otherwise, why bother coming? Oh, yeah, to “say goodbye to the fans”. Isn’t that the excuse that Sting just used regarding TNA (to the marks, anyway; we know he’s got a contract)?
Look, I don’t want to see him at Wrestlemania. However, both Vince and Overrated know that there are tons of people in the audience who do. Money solves everything in this world, and if Vince gets into his ear at the HoF Ceremony, then that Sunday morning plane ticket can easily be changed to Monday morning. In fact, Bret, let me give you some help. Air Canada Flight #4027 leaves O’Hare at 9:40 AM and flies non-stop to Calgary, arriving at 12:28 local time. If you can’t stand Chicago, you can always leave at 7:00 AM and connect through Toronto.
Come on, Bret, you know you want to do it. This is your final opportunity to soak Vince for money now that the DVD’s out (forget Volume 2, that ain’t happening). Hit hit up for a quarter million like Jarrett did, do a run-in, get a punch or two in, then depart the next morning and sever all ties with WWE permanently so we never have to hear from you again.
THE MORONIC AGAIN INVADE 1BULLSHIT JUNIOR
It’s no secret that I think that Fingers (and/or his surrogates when he’s not available to post wrestling news) puts up a little too much minutiae that’s of interest to really no one. However, we’re not as bad as the neurotic agate-type indy fetish of the Observer. And they’re not as bad as 1bullshit Junior. Here’s what Milord and Big Johnson believe is an appropriate wrestling story:
Dan Burkhardt sent the following….I was watching ESPN & saw a commercial for baseball opening night and noticed it was on the same night as Wrestlemania, April 2. But the weird thing is the game is in Chicago, the White Sox are hosting the Cleveland Indians. Well, at least US Cellular Field and the Allstate Arena are far enough apart that it shouldn’t make for a complete traffic nightmare.
Again, someone is quite ignorant of our nation’s third-largest city. The Cell is, of course, at 35th and Shields, in the city. The Horiz…dammit, Allstate Arena, is approximately 10 miles west and 15 miles north of the Cell in Rosemont. If there’s a “complete traffic nightmare” because of competing events at the Cell and the Horiz…Arena, that would be one helluva shock. Of course, it’s one helluva traffic nightmare anyway up the Ryan, through downtown, then up the Kennedy toward O’Hare. In fact, depending on traffic, it’s nearly an hour’s trip. You may be able to cut down on that a little by taking the Ryan to the Stevenson, then catching the Tri-State. It’s a little longer distance, but a little less traffic, and you don’t go through downtown that way. However, they will soak you on the tolls.
Get a f*cking map, you dodos.
Anything else? Honky not signing a Legends contract…big deal. WWE in court with Warrior for an emergency injunction…who cares? It’s Warrior. No, nothing else I’m afraid.
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Kane over Carly Colon, Ineffective Tag Title Match Pimp, Part 1 of 2 (DQ, You Must Not Use Mickey Jay As A Foreign Object): The match needs to be ignored as much as possible. It was yet another example of Carly showing that he can’t wrestle. However, the apres was worth notice. First of all, the whole “there’s another door” sequence was brilliant. Second of all, was that Cade and Murdoch, together again? Have they finally realized that they’re a little short on tag teams, and here’s Kane and TBS’s post-WM feud? No, that isn’t possible. They don’t admit to making mistakes, ever. Proof of that assertion: they’re planning on rehiring Test and Mordecai.
The Big Show versus Gym Bunny, Ineffective Tag Title Match Pimp, Part 2 of 2, Special MasterLock Challenge Edition (ND, MasterLock Unable To Be Applied): Did you catch TBS’s expression during this whole mess? You know that he was thinking, “Might as well stick around and do this. We’re in Omaha. Like there’s anything to do here.” Man, is Sunday going to be a mess.
Trip versus Shawn Michaels (ND, Angle Advancement Ending): It was fun while it lasted. Let’s face it, these two can do three and a half snowflakes with each other in their sleep, and they were both pretty on. No complaints at all until the ending. It’s very rare to see the Transition Match break down like that, though, implying chaos to come in the main…wait a second, “implying”? Did I really just write that? No, it’s confirming chaos to come in the main involving the same people. Well, it is promoting Raw’s top two WM matches, so there shouldn’t be that many complaints. But it’s still Angle Advancement, and you know how much I love that.
By the way, anyone else feel like this is a SummerSlam Title Match Preview? I think they’ll give Michaels one more shot at gold before he goes part-time, and against Trip seems to be a logical choice for a farewell match.
Mike Mondo, Johnny Jeter, and Ken Doane over Val Venis, Viscera, and the retard (Pinfall, Jeter pins Venis, Mikey-ference): Why? Why, dear God, why? Okay, the SS beat up on the retard for a long time, and they got the pinfall, so I guess I really can’t complain. I like it when young guys get a little bit of rub. But not this way.
BFM throws in a little commentary:
That sound you hear is Jim Cornette trying to poke his eyes out while violently retching.
Well, you kinda knew something like this would happen when Corny left and these boys fell into Heyman’s hands, didn’t you?
Trish Stratus and the Ten-Buck Tramp over Victoria and Candice Michelle (Pinfall, Stratus pins Victoria, Stratusfaction): Now, this is how to properly do an Angle Advancement Match. Keep the Angle Advancement from poisoning the result. Good work on that. But, really, the women were all half-assing it, and by that, I mean the women that count, namely Trish and Victoria. Trish doesn’t give a shit, which means she’s dropping the title on Sunday, and Victoria’s probably pissed that she’s the only woman who isn’t going to be involved in WM, unless she accompanies Candice out to the ring for her Pillow Fight. Okay, they’ve got good reasons.
And I received three mails complaining that Joey didn’t scream “catfight”. I was waiting for that too. Maybe he’s holding it back for the Pillow Fight or something. I hope.
John Cena over Vince McMahon (DQ, Greco-Roman Nut Shot): Welcome to a rather rare type of match: The Ethos Establishment Match. They’re trying their damndest to prevent the double-turn that’s going to happen due to the audience at Wrestlemania by putting Cena in there against the one guy who can’t help but turn him into a bigger face, namely Vince.
Christopher Arrington sums up Cena’s predicament quite well:
You know that you suck when you have a competive match with a 60 year old man. I don’t care if he is roided up and your boss. If the boss doesn’t have confidence enough to get his ass kicked by you, you are really bad at the wrestling thing.
How can this show be summarized? I think that fellow Chicagoan and frequent writer-in Jobez Ferguson does so quite well:
It was at this point, right after the Shawn / Trip match that I decided to turn from the show. I’ve been watching WWE since December of 1986 and have been there through every low period since then. I’ve figured out why I stopped watching in the first place: They’ve become formulaic enough not to make me care anymore. I don’t care about Mania or the fact that it’s in my city. Everything I saw on Raw tonight is something I’ve seen them do many times before, from Foley’s “I’m deranged” act, to Trip’s sledghammer, to Shawn’s kip-up comeback, to Vince being an evil boss, to Carlito & Gym Bunny being “wacky mismatched tag team partners” it’s all been done before and it’s all stale. Maybe I’m getting older but Raw is just lame as f*ck. Way to shake up your product, Vince. Now I’ll go back to watching old tapes.
Well said. There may be nothing new under the sun, but there are infinite ways of packaging it so that it seems new. “Creative” hasn’t figured out any of those, though, and have been unable to do so for years. Old tapes may just be the way to go at this point. We’ll see what happens on Sunday, though.
Or maybe I’ll let KC Evers (no relation) do the final summary:
Let’s see…we’ve got a teacher, cheerleaders, sluts, a psychotic girl, a retard, an overweight black guy, some white dude who’s into rap music and jocks who are way too much into weightlifting….it’s like f*cking High School more than wrestling.
Worse. It’s like High School in a CW Network “drama”. Or the most demented episode of Power Rangers you could imagine.
Angle Developments:
Say It With Flowers. And Maple. And Barbed Wire: Well, it took until the last possible moment, but Foley’s finally holding up his end of the promo task for pimping his WM match. The only thing he missed was ripping apart the flowers with his teeth. It still hasn’t increased my interest in the match, but it does give me a little more confidence that it’s going to be damn good. Right now, it’s looking like MOTN as it is.
Weight Of The World: It’s nice to see Tony Atlas get the recognition that he deserves. A lot of the pre-WM-era WWWF/WWF guys tend to get shafted due to the fact that the organization was still a territory. But what really excited me was the person inducting him. If anyone needs some Wrestlemania karma adjustments, it’s Special Delivery Jones. We have to get that nine-second (actually twenty-three-second) match out of our minds.
I’m not the only one who feels that way. Witness Christopher Arrington:
I’m very happy about Tony Atlas getting some due and being inducted into the Hall of Fame. But when they said the person to induct him was going to be Special Delivery Jones, I got downright giddy. Will he for old times sake look like he is going to do something great before he starts and then totally get his ass whupped? I hope that this doesn’t get the least important spot on the broadcast.
Tragically, it will. In fact, it might even get done before the broadcast starts and will only be available on the WM DVD or the PPV version of the ceremony.
And For A Little Closure…: Five years ago this week, Ric Flair cut an immortal promo that summarized the legacy of a company. Monday night, he cut a promo to pimp a six-man ladder match. If you want an illustration how times have changed, you’ve got it right there. Of course, five years ago, we thought we’d never see Ric in a ring again, so that balances that out. By the way, Benjy, just because you’re going to Chicago doesn’t mean that you have to dress like R. Kelly. See, that’s why we need Mamma back. Someone’s got to tell the boy how to dress.
Steve Murray’s family has now recovered from the flu, and he should be back in action this week, but until then, he’s got a contribution:
Ric Flair is 57 years old. The next time that I bitch to someone that I feel old because I’m “36 years old, married, with two kids”, I’m going to remember that this man is about to enter a 6 man ladder match. And then I will STFU.
The Joe In Me isn’t paying attention:
During the MitB promo segment, it occurred to me that a Ric Flair-Shelton Benjamin feud would not be complete without Flair taking Shelton’s Momma for a ride on Space Mountain.
Didn’t I say that about three or four weeks ago? Yes, in fact, I did. Geez.
Also, I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for someone to do what Flair did to Van Dam when he went for his “R-V-D” schtick. It’s one of those things that’s so simple, we find ourselves asking “Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of that before?”
That was a nice little touch. It’s been done before, but that’s pretty rare. Flair really needed to come out on top in that whole contretemps, and I’m glad they figured out a way to do it that enhances Flair. Maybe there’s a Flair/Van Dam feud in the offing?
Oh, by the way, Joe, there’s nothing much you can do about upgrading a laptop other than buying a new one. If you can throw in more RAM or get a bigger hard drive (the former is much more likely than the latter), then do it.
Well, that’s all. As for the rest of this week, I’m going to try to do a Short Form (despite the fact that no one’s going to be reading it). I’ll definitely be part of the Round Table. And for those of you going to Wrestlemania, no, I will not give you restaurant recommendations or locations to get laid. Find them yourselves.
