The Anti-Anti-Pulse

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Howdy there, this is The Anti-Anti-Pulse as for one week only my good self, The Nexus’ own Rear Admiral Will Cooling fills in for Captain Morphine himself Iain Burnside. Btw, this following column may well suck as I’m writing it whilst watching a re-run of Destination X after staying up all night drinking. Still it is better… than… well… something… something crappy. But not better than this:

Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Why Wrestlemania Will Suck…At Being Wrestlemania

Wrestlemania is this weekend everyone seems to be approaching it with some trepidation. Whilst I’m still brainwashed enough by the WWE to want to watch lots of wrestling come March time nowadays I just dig through my old DVDs to find something I actually want to watch. Also its on PPV in the UK this year and it’ll cost exactly the same as the DVD so I’ll wait for the DVD (no download for me, complete and utter technophobe). However, that still leaves the question as to whether it’ll be a good show or not. Well to answer that we have to divide that into two parts, will it be a good wrestling card and will it be a good Wrestlemania.

So easy question first. Yes it will be a good wrestling card. Cactus Jack/Edge, Money In The Bank, Trish vs Mickie and the Triple Threat Match for the World Title should all easily pass *** which pretty much makes it a good card by default. In addition both Benoit vs JBL and Vince vs Shawn should surprise people with what they offer in the ring; especially the latter if Vince can bring the same form as his last two ‘Mania bouts.

However, this is going to be a bad Wrestlemania. The simply fact is that Wrestlemania isn’t about good wrestling and has never been. Indeed Wrestlemania was the very thing that helped moved wrestling away from the concept of good matches for good matches’ sake. Wrestlemania has been about the glitz, the glamour and above all the settling of scores. If you actually look at pre-Attitude Wrestlemanias only three had main events that could conceivably be called good matches (WMV, VI and XII) whilst there were only a handful of genuine classics in the undercard. What Wrestlemania was about was characters and the climax of the WWF’s year. No one could argue that the WWF was wrong to have Hogan vs Andre for WMIII’s main event even if it was an absolutely dire match (although staggeringly brilliant work from Hulk, he really holds the thing together). Now obviously, its better to have good matches but the important thing is that there are stars, long running feuds are ended and above all those famous Wrestlemania moments; and no Raven being driven in a shopping cart or some overpriced whore stripping do not count!!!

This card simply doesn’t have the stars, barely has the long running feuds and will be struggling for a true Wrestlemania moment. Of the two Title matches, one was thrown together in the past month and that’s the better of the two. Of all the one-on-one matches only two were being built up before the Royal Rumble (Mickie vs Trish and Michaels/Vince) and only two have been built up longer than one month (Edge vs Foley, Undertaker vs Mark Henry). So basically, over half the card consists of matches that have just been thrown together at the last minute like an ordinary PPV, worse the two title matches have been treated terribly. There simply is no feud for the WWE title, its just that HHH rather likes being a champ, which would be fine if a) it wasn’t the biggest show of the year and b) because that’s the exact basis for every HHH feud from 2001 to 2004. Also as has been stated many times, it makes no sense whatsoever to have a heel chasing the title leading into Wrestlemania, especially when the heel is against such an unpopular face. The other title match is even worse because a) it’s a triple-threat and they just make it almost impossible to build a cohesive feud with a satisfying climax and b) because its actually a feud between the two challengers about whether the late Eddie Guerruro was a good guy with the champion and championship inserted as an afterthought. Its quite possibly that done properly Rey winning the belt at Wrestlemania would have been a cathartic moment for the audience after Eddie’s death but the WWE’s tasteless and tactless handling of the issue has pretty much scuppered that. The only match that really offers any chance for a true Wrestlemania moment is Money In The Bank, and that’s the chance of Ric Flair gaining redemption and one last shot at the world title.

So in short, it’ll be a good wrestling show but I doubt it’ll go down in history as a great Wrestlemania to be remembered.

Top 5 Wrestlemania 22 matches I actually want to see

5. Foley vs Edge: Folley better not embrass himself again
4. Chris Benoit vs JBL for US Title: Can Benoit carry JBL to the mythical ***1/2+ zone?
3. Rey vs Orton vs Angle (c) for World Title: Orton better not get the title
2. HHH vs Cena(c) for WWE Title: Cena better get booed
1. Money In The Bank: Flair better win

What could have been…

The annoying thing is that they had two title matches for the ages. It’s obvious that people are dying to see Flair have one more championship reign even if it was only a short interim one. He’s a face who can wrestle, who can cut a great promo, he’d bring fans in who hadn’t watched for a while and most of all he can walk into an arena without getting booed the hell out. Flair challenging HHH for the WWE Title would’ve been a great match that not only would’ve have drawn gangbusters but offered the mark out moment of a lifetime when Flair finally got number 17! WHOOOOOOOO!

The second title match that should’ve been is of course Shawn Michaels vs Kurt Angle. It’s amazing that chucked away such a wonderfully built feud that would have given us a great main event that would also have drawn gangbusters because of the reputation these have built up. It writes itself, Angle becomes champion of Smackdown (and has a good reign! They could’ve easily given us a title tournament at Armageddon with Angle vs Rey for the final, Angle vs Orton at RR, Angle vs Benoit at No Way Out and Angle vs UT at SNME) and Michaels wins the Royal Rumble. Angle basically challenges Shawn to use his title shot for the World Championship, and obviously he accepts. Shawn wins to get one last proper run with the belt, etc.

There you go you have two great world title matches. You could then flesh the card out with Rey vs Orton (although less offensive and tactless), Cena vs Edge, MITB and other goodies. You’d have a good card, with good main events. But what do you I know? I’m just a wrestling fan.

Top Five Matches I’ve Watched This Week

5. HHH d Chris Jericho Last Man Standing Fully Loaded 1999
4. Ric Flair d Terry Funk 1 QUIT Clash of Champions 9
3. Roddy Piper vs Greg Valentine, Dog Collar Starrcade 1981
2. Chris Benoit & Dean Malenko d Raven and Saturn, Spring Stampede 1999
1. Royal Rumble 1992

You Know What Grind My Gears?

Seeing as this is a brief chance for me to talk rasslin hears some random rants:

Cruiserweights/X-Divisions are not the future of this business. I’m sorry I enjoy seeing cute little guys with dodgy accents and/or tight shorts doing their supa-dupa moonsault flippy flops of DOOM but if the only way you can get over is by nearly killing yourself on a regular basis then you’re NOT a good wrestler. The likes of Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Steve Austin or even flyers like Shawn Michaels and Eddie Guerruro or brawlers like Mick Foley could get over by telling a story in the ring or by delivering a great promo. Good god, wrestlers should at least try to tell a story in the ring rather than some stunt fest ballet to see who can risk their life the most.

Top 5 wrestlers who prove my point

5. Spike Dudley
4. Axl and Ian Rotten
3. Teddy Hart
2. New Jack
1. Jeff Hardy


Christian Cage is not a main event wrestler, and he wasn’t particularly under-pushed by the WWE. He’s delivered nothing but bland, faintly boring promos since he broke up with Edge, he rarely has good single matches and he’s just one of those wrestlers who looks like a midcarder (to be fair that could be said about most of TNA’s top liners). I mean can you pick a great Christian singles match? I mean Edge gets stick but he can point to great matches with Angle, Eddie, HBK, etc and besides he can actually deliver a scintillating promo. Christian made a good mid-card heel in the WWE but TNA pushing him to the moon just confirms them as not being in the WWE’s league. Its even crazier when you have non-WWE stars like Abyss, Monty Brown and Samoa Joe who’d not only do much better business and be more entertaining than Nicloas Slater or whatever the hell he’s calling himself now but would make a statement; we’re are not a dumping grown for those who can’t make ‘up North’.

I’m I the only one who wonders how in hell the WWE can put on a decent ECW reunion show this summer? I mean, they won’t be able to use the Dudleyz, Sabu or Rhino because they’re contracted to TNA. Joey Styles, Super Crazy and Psiscois have been working in the WWE so they won’t appear fresh for the ECW show, and of course Jericho’s left and Eddie’s died. So what does that leave you? Maybe a Benoit vs Malenko match, something with RVD and then….well….then jack all really. I really can’t see how a second ECW show is going to do anything but stink up the joint.

Can someone remind TNA that random match generator booking doesn’t work in the long term and that they should actually try to book the X-Division rather than picking names out of the hat. I don’t care how much TNA fans scream, every day that passes with old, over paid wrestlers clogging up the main event whilst the actual stars of the show are just thrown out in seemingly random matches, with no back story TNA more resembles WCW or ECW on their death bed than a promotion ready to kick the WWE when its down. Nice to see Scott Steiner again though; what I’m serious!

Top 5 Poorly booked feuds that ruled anyway

5. HHH vs The Rock (1999-2001)
4. Edge vs Eddie (2002)
3. RVD vs Jerry Lynn (1999-2000)
2. Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit (2000-01)
1. ‘Smackdown Six’ over the Tag Title (2002)

What is with the whinging about Angle usually losing Wrestlemania matches? Er, hello Kurt’s usually been a heel and traditionally heels lose at Wrestlemania because that’s the whole point-faces win and smite evil bad guys and fans go happy. The WWF/E has tried to turn Kurt face but both times to fans ended up shitting on him (although strangely it was the fans forced the WWE to turn him face this time). Therefore he has always gone into ‘Mania been a heel, and if he’s been going into Wrestlemania as Champion that means he has to lose the belt. Christ knows how anyone can argue with that except on the grounds of “oh Kurt’s my favourite wrestler, he has to have he belt”. If you do think that, then you are so many forms below an intelligent life form you should stop reading insidepulse or any smark publication and go read PWI in a padded room.

When is the WWE going to give us proper 3DVD collections on The Rock, Jericho, Austin and Angle? And whilst they’re at it how about Ric Flair Vol. 2?

Top 5 WWE DVDs

5. Greatest Wrestling Superstars of the 1980s
4. Ric Flair: The Ultimate Collection Vol. 1
3. Chris Benoit: Hard Knocks
2. Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart: The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Every Will Be
1. ECW: The Rise and Fall of ECW

Samoa Joe is the man. That’s it!

The Anti-Anti-News

Jim Ross to announce Wrestlemania


It was announced on RAW that everyone’s favourite announcer Jim Ross is to do RAW play by play at Wrestlemania. Its not a terrible decision, the fans seem to still like JR and it helps make Wrestlemania seem special. The main question is what’s the future for Joey, and in a very revealing interview with WWE.com he talks quite openly about the trouble he’s had in the WWE. The main problem is, that in true Vince style he fired Jim Ross on the grounds of wanting a new play-by-play guy…only to decide that he wanted the new play-by-play guy to do exactly what Jim Ross was doing. Now it would be fair to say Jim Ross is a shadow of his former self but even today he is the best at injecting real emotion into his commentary and bringing the storylines to the fore. Indeed he’s pretty much the only PBP guy who even attempts to this; the likes of Cole, Tenay and Styles are far straighter and more action focused (or this of Cole, just a shill with a girly moustache). Personally I can enjoy either style, but you know Vince and so poor Joey is going to be stuck with being ‘moulded’ to do the job like a guy who’s still on the WWE payroll.

I’m sorry, but that just seems slightly pointless? C’mon Vince put poor Joey out of his misery. Put JR back on PBP like you deep down want to, fire Joey so he can go back to being an IWC hero and I can go back to…well…The Nexus Navy, I guess.

Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart to no-show Wrestlemania

Both Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan will be in attendance at what I’m sure will be the much respected and much watched WWE Hall of Fame Ceremony 2006. However, there will not be in attendance at Wrestlemania the following day. Bret says ‘it’d be too emotional’ and Hogan says his son’s in a race or something. Taking the Bret Hart first, I wouldn’t be surprised to be honest if he’s telling the truth. We all know how seriously, how very, very seriously Bret Hart takes his ‘legacy’ and due to this reason and his physical limitations it would be highly unlikely to see him interfere in HBK/Vince. Still seeing Bret kicking both Shawn’s and Vince’s arses in the ring would be pretty fecking cool and I’m sure Vince has got a damn good offer on the table. Hopefully he takes it, if only in the hope that having Bret destroy McMahon in a WWE ring may finally cure both of them of their Montréal fixation.

Hulk Hogan’s situation is slightly stranger. Talking to Bubba the Love Sponge (WTF?) Hogan said that he won’t be at Wrestlemania but he will be at RAW. What’s more he’ll be doing ‘something’ with Steve Austin. So basically we’ll be seeing the build to the long awaited match between the two icons of pro-wrestling (shut up bitch, what do you want me to say-that Benoit and AJ Styles are the two biggest draws in the sport’s history?). Obviously Vince would kill both his children and yours too to get this match, especially with the success of Hogan/HBK at last year’s Summerslam. However, I’m dubious if it’s going to happen. Austin’s relationship with the WWE has been decidedly dodgy recently and Hogan has hardly been deeply involved with the E’s product lately. If it does happen it’ll probably be a bearable match as long as Patterson can weave his magic, they get a good crowd and the two wrestlers aren’t completely crippled. Still, I have a nagging doubt about whether it’ll actually happen.

Daniel Puder whinges, some idiot actually listens


So Puder has been complaining that he was held back in the WWE, with a receptive interviewer in some god awful American newspaper actually giving him propos talking about how he was held back, and how the WWE was more interested in destroying Puder’s career than making it. I’m sorry, but this is complete nonsense. I’m sure as a MMA Puder was and is very good but as a wrestler he was a complete tosser. He couldn’t work, he couldn’t deliver a promo and he looked on screen like a short, greasy teenager. What far too many people constantly forget is that in modern wrestling being legitimately tough is far less important than being able to tell a story in the ring, being able to speak into a microphone or having a marketable look.

The real silliness however begins when we get on to THAT incident with Angle when in a shoot fight with the champ the then Tough Enough contestant got into a position to force Angle’s submission. If it weren’t for quick thinking by WWE staff and a fast count by the referee Angle would have lost. Here’s Dan the Genius’ thoughts:

‘They (WWE) would have had to push me right there because people would have said, ‘What happened?’ ” said Puder, who wore a shirt reading, ”I Hurt Kurt” before his Strike Force debut. ”The crowd would have gone crazy because something like that has never happened before.”

What on earth is he on about? Did he seriously say that the fans would be interested in some spotty, goofy punk because he had Kurt, something no one had done? Err, excuse me Sherlock what do you think happens to Kurt every time he steps in the ring? That’s right, someone hurts him, hell sometimes they even beat him. Of course everyone knows it’s not real but what on earth does that have to do with the price of eggs? How on earth could you market a feud between Angle and Puder on the basis of spud face beating Angle ‘for real’ without having to say through every other match (matches with faces who could actually draw a dime some day) that this is fake, unlike Angle vs. Puder. Of course you can’t, it makes no sense. Yes, sadly Kayfabe is dead but the sad collapse of Russo’s WCW into complete irrelevance and confusion shows that there has to be some internal kayfabe and logic to a wrestling show. Someone should let Jim Cornette loose on this git.

Also even if he were right to say that hurting Angle would have made for a good angle, it wouldn’t have done anything for his career. No, because it’s a bit difficult to a be an all conquering bad ass after you’ve had 40 odd wrestlers gang rape you for God knows how long after you, a snivelling rookie injuries the champion.

The only interesting thing is how he talks about how the WWE dicked him about over his contract. Far from the million-dollar contract promised by the time he finished he was on $750 a week. Why I can perfectly understand why the WWE only wanted to pay him $750 a week I don’t understand why they keep advertising these massive contracts for Tough Enough or Diva Search. There are enough desperate people with dreams of working in the wrestling business or just working on TV that they’ll accept any wage they can live on. It seems self-defeating to boast about this massive contracts that have no relation to what they’re worth.

Sean O’Haire to be re-signed by WWE

Sean O’Haire may be about to be re-signed joining the likes of Test and Mark Jindark as the WWE seeks to hire natural stiffs to make up for the chemically produced stiffs that will be disappearing from its TV very soon. Yep, that’s right, they have a drug testing policy. Its basically, if a wrestler dies they’ll mention they test for drugs to deflect Congress or the Press from actually looking into wrestling business. As for O’Haire, yeah it would be nice to see him again and I’m sure he’ll take the gang rapes for being Eric Bischoft’s WCW’s post takeover franchise over being constantly murdered in MMA.

Okay that’s your lot, no predictions for Wrestlemania-that’s what the Roundtable is for fools. See you next time Captain Morphine calls for my assistance.

Jonathan Widro is the owner and founder of Inside Pulse. Over a decade ago he burst onto the scene with a pro-WCW reporting style that earned him the nickname WCWidro. Check him out on Twitter for mostly inane non sequiturs