SITASS Fan469: Hey Ssquared, got a joke for you…
BoredStork: Shoot!
SITASS Fan469: How does every ethnic joke start?
SITASS Fan469: Give up?
BoredStork: …thinking…
SITASS Fan469: With a look over your shoulder!
Welcome to Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say!
Kevin Federline: Man without talent. A bum. A total bum.
I used to be obsessed with his current wife; Britney Spears was my “holy grail girl,” the object of my deepest, darkest desires. The be-all and end-all in Ssquared Land (an obviously fictitious continent full of happiness and glee.) As an undergraduate at the prestigious Not Naming My Alma Mater Due to Pending Legal Issues, I was often given gifts that somehow related to Ms. Spears. There were CD singles and stickers, folders and notebooks. Yeah, it was all done in a “tongue and cheek” fashion, but I kept it.
Was it her Southern charm, her noted good looks and slamming body, or was it that she had publicly admitted to being a virgin and that I wanted to deflower her? Maybe a combination of all three. After the whole Lisa incident, I would hump just about anything. I would often wake up after a night of debauchery wrapped in the arms of anything that would have me. Black, white, pock-marked, Asian, even obese ladies could get a ride on the “Smitty Express.” I didn’t discriminate.
Fat girls try harder.
What? It’s a fact!
Back on topic, Britney seemed so wholesome and honest. She stood for something: celibacy and purity. I found that hot.
I didn’t mind when Justin Timberlake bragged about banging her: I understood that she could no longer resist the sexual advances of “the white Michael.” He was too powerful, too charismatic. I supported her while she rekindled her romance with the inspiration for “From the Bottom of My Broken Heart,” Jason Alexander.
I didn’t renounce my desires for her until K-Fed showed up with his out-of-wedlock child (with another on the way, at that point) and Shar Jackson in tow. See, Kevin used to just wear crappy, Wal-Mart brand basketball shorts and a Hanes wifebeater to the mall. Once he latched onto Britney, he was rocking Nike.
Freeloading – Just do it!
It’s abundantly obvious that all the money my friends spent on these “gag” gifts now lines the mink-and-seal skin purse of Ms. Britney Spears, and that means that she’s given Kevin the money to produce his album, Playing with Fire, which is set for an August release. If you’ve watched the video up above, you realize that this could be the worst thing to happen to music since Puffy Daddy starting re-writing Police hits. This could be worse than Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time.”
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This was, of course, just the first of many emails I have received in the last two weeks about Kevin Federline. It doesn’t matter if I wrote about lesbians and how I lost my virginity to a “lady of the night,” all IP Music fans want to talk about is K-Douche:
Re: “Ssquared’s Music Pulse Hook-Up – Part Two!”
It’s songs like these which make me lose further faith in humanity and what
those with money will do to get their name out there. Even if it means
making a complete and utter ass of themselves in front of the world.
Hopefully, I am praying, on the way to his first live performance at
whatever shitty award show asked him to perform at (not even the MTV Movie
awards would be that desperate), he gets beaten with a stick by an angry
hobo who mistook him for Vanilla Ice.
Funnily enough, I fully intend to download this album and pirate the shit
out of it to anyone stupid (drunk) enough to want it. One, to see how much
of a comedy fest it will be…two, just to spite him.
Is it wrong to hate people who are just plain shit?
Patrick
Kind and Gentle SITASS Reader,
The greatest gift that you, Mr. Patrick, could do for the world would be to pirate this album. I don’t deny that. Once you do that, though, please burn as many copies of it as you see fit, and stand outside of every store that you know, yes, Wal-Mart included. Hand those copies out, as to make sure that people do NOT head into said establish and actually spend money on that garbage.
See, it’s bad enough that Britney, who has never actually had to WORK in her life, is willing to part with her cash to help her husband pursue his “dreams.” What dream do I speak of? You know it. Everyone does. It’s the dream to not have to work or cultivate any sort of talent and, yet, still find a way to be famous.
No one who has to work 40+ hour weeks should open their pockets to pay for the right to listen to his garbage. Frankly, I am considering a movement to stop K-Fed from ever releasing an album. I hope I can make my dream happen…with your help.
Yours in awesome,
Shawn M. Smith
I mentioned it in the response, but here’s your direct line to the revolution:
The Stop Kevin Federline HATE Club. Send an email to that address and Ssquared will let you ALL know what you can do to prevent Kevin Federline from ruining your life too.
It might be too late for Britney, but think of the children. I’ll make up flyers and email the PDFs to you, so that you can hand them out in front of every retail music establishment you know.
Stop K-Fed before he ruins tomorrow’s children!
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.:.Columns from the Week that Was!.:.
Sunday: Those Were The Days!
Tuesday: You’re Just Jealous
Wednesday: The Freakloud
Thursday: This Sucks/Rocks!
Friday: New American Metal Movement
Saturday: The Weekly Music Pulse: Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say!
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brought to you by Ring of Honor
Casting Call…No, not for LOST
Rock’n’roll.
Fame.
Deadlines.
Sound good to you? Here’s your chance to apply for the life you always wanted.
Rolling Stone is looking for aspiring amateur journalists to compete for a one-year staff position with the magazine — while MTV tapes the competition for a new reality series. Working with the magazine’s top editors, competitors will hone their writing skills and secure interviews with major musicians, actors, and politicians.
“Throughout our history we have seen the careers of some of the nation’s most notable journalists flourish, including Cameron Crowe and the late Hunter S. Thompson,” says Rolling Stone founder and publisher Jann Wenner. “We’re anxious to meet the candidates and welcome them into the Rolling Stone family as they embark on their professional careers.”
If you think you’re made for Rolling Stone and MTV, here’s what you need to know:
*The show will be taped for three months from June to August in New York City.
*To be eligible to apply, you must be at least 18 by June 9.
*You must be legally able to work in the U.S.
*Your first deadline: The application, including writing samples and a short videotape, must be received by April 7.
(credit: Rolling Stone.com)
InsidePulse’s own Matthew Michaels alerted me to this contest. Why? Well, Matt is trying to give me some career guidance. Since leaving the O.G. in February, I haven’t had a lot of luck on the job front. Matt and I have discussed ways to liven up my résumé, and he suggested that I stop using the colloquialisms that litter my cover letters.
So, instead of “looking for an opportunity that will utilize my interpersonal skills and training to benefit the general good of an organization,” I am “looking for some motherf*ckin’ cash, bitch!”
Hey, I don’t like beating around the bush and that lets everyone know that not only am I dedicated “to the cheddar” and I “interact well with others” (i.e. I have been wrongly accused of sexual harassment.)
.:.Cobain’s Legacy = Deodorant.:.
Courtney Love has sold 25% of her 97% share of Nirvana’s publishing catalogue to Larry Mestel of Primary Wave Music Publishing. Earlier this year, rumors had circulated that Love considered selling the share to Bono.
“I took on a strategic partner, Larry Mestel, to help me co-manage the estate because it was overwhelming,” Love said, according to RollingStone.com. “The affairs of Nirvana are so massive and so huge, and they’ve fallen on my lap. I own almost all of [the publishing] and it proved to be too much for me. I needed a partner to take Kurt Cobain’s songs and bring them into the future and into the next generation. And this guy’s the one to do it.” Love is now considering how best to use the catalogue and how to use it in a tasteful manner that won’t freak out rabid Nirvana fans.
“We’re going to remain very tasteful, and we’re going to [retain] the spirit of Nirvana,” she said, “and take Nirvana places it’s never been before.”
Speaking of Nirvana going places its never been, Kurt Cobain will visit music collectors’ mantles and hip kids’ (heart-shaped) toy boxes around the world this summer when an action figure bearing his likeness is released in stores, according to Launch. The Cobain action figure sports the striped shirt the frontman wore in the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video. He also comes with a stick of Degree for Men, you know, to teach certain companies not to drag their feet when signing endorsement deals!
.:.New Albums: Blur, Shins, French Kicks.:.
It’s not that Damon Albarn hasn’t enjoyed being two-dimensional for a while, but the Blur singer is ready to step into the spotlight himself for a bit.
Even though he has been otherwise occupied with Gorillaz, Albarn made time to get Blur back together to record a follow up to 2003’s Think Tank. The recording process is nowhere near finished, but bassist Alex James told XFM he expects the band will get back together towards the end of the year to continue working on the album.
“We all got together before Christmas. Damon, Dave [Rowntree] and I were making the most nasty, dirty, filthy rock music I think we’ve ever made,” James said. “Foo Fighters are gonna wet their pants when they hear it.”
The Shins, meanwhile, will also end their three-year absence with the follow-up to 2002’s Chutes Too Narrow. The band was slated to release the as-yet-untitled effort this summer, but has been pushed back to October, according to Billboard.com. Recording is being completed in singer James Mercer’s Portland, Oregon studio, and the band hopes to have the album completed by mid-May.
Meanwhile, the French Kicks just wrapped sessions for their next album, out July 18. Two Thousand was recorded in Los Angeles this spring and follows the band’s 2004 release, The Trial of the Century.
In other Indie Rock news, Eric Katz is no where to be found. When last seen, he was buying Chutes Too Narrow. Seriously, where the hell did that guy go to?
.:.Win an Oscar, Spend the Night in Paris.:.
Paris Hilton has enlisted Oscar-winning rappers, Three 6 Mafia, to produce some tracks for her, and perhaps lend her some street cred that The Simple Life and One Night in Paris could not.
“We ran into her at a William Morris Agency party and she said she liked our song ‘Stay Fly’ and asked could we work with her,” Mafia member Jordan “Juicy J” Houston told the AP.
The group entered a Los Angeles recording studio Tuesday (March 28) with high-stepping Hiltie where Paris heard one of Three 6’s dance tracks. Presumably dubbing it “hot,” Paris made plans to record it that night, but according to IP Music Correspondent JR Fernandez, she ended up “locked up tighter than a pair of Chinese Finger-Cuffs.”
Speaking of Chasing Amy, did you know who the ORIGINAL cast was rumored to be? Surprises GALORE!
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Remembering Never – God Save Us
Antony and the Johnsons – I am a Bird Now
David Gray – Life in Slow Motion
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.:.Nude Britney Statue Draws Eyes, Ire.:.
Naked or clothed, wrapped in leather or molded from clay, Britney Spears is controversy personified, so it’s no surprise that a nude sculpture of the pop star giving birth has caused a bit of a stir.
Artist Daniel Edwards’ monument to Spears — which depicts the singer posed seductively on all fours, bottom in the air, giving birth to son Sean Preston Federline (his crowning head is shown), clutching the head of a bearskin rug — has been billed as a testament to pro-life ideologies, according to the website of a Brooklyn gallery that will house the sculpture next month.
And while Edwards insists he chose Britney as a model for pro-life ideals, saying “Britney provides inspiration for those struggling with the ‘right choice,'” there are some who disagree. The Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery has received calls of protest from all sides of the pro-life/pro-choice spectrum.
Calls have been coming in from places including “Tokyo, England, France,” gallery co-owner David Kesting told the Associated Press. “Some people are upset that Britney is being used for this subject matter. Others who are pro-life thought this was degrading to their movement. And some pro-choice people were upset that this is a pro-life monument.”
And they have good reason to be perturbed: The exhibit will also include anti-abortion materials provided by the Manhattan Right to Life Committee.
Edwards stands behind his message, even if no one wants to stand behind the statue and ogle young Sean’s baby noggin. “I admire her,” he told the AP. “This is an idealized figure. Everyone is coming at me with anger and venom, but I depicted her as she has depicted herself — seductively. Suddenly, she’s a mom.” The artist also adds that he has never met Spears and that he modeled her after the wax figure of the singer at Las Vegas’ Madame Tussaud’s.
Those who want to see the controversial sculpture for themselves can visit the Capla Kesting gallery from April 7-23. Admission is free.
(credits: Spin.com)
Do you realize what harm Kevin Federline has caused our planet?
The Stop Kevin Federline HATE Club.
I don’t see how that statue is a pro-life/pro-choice battle, but I digress. I might just head to Brooklyn to check out this work, just to check out baby Sean Preston’s head.
.:.L.A. OKs $1.1 mil to B.I.G.’s kin.:.
The city of Los Angeles has approved a $1.1 million payment to the family of rapper Notorious B.I.G. as punishment for police negligence during the slain musician’s civil lawsuit trial. U.S. District Judge Florence-Marie Cooper had sanctioned the city after learning that a police detective withheld documents that were pertinent to claims made by the rapper’s family. She declared a mistrial in July. The payment represents the cost of legal fees and other expenses incurred by the family’s attorneys. City lawyers told the council an appeal was unlikely to overturn the judge’s ruling. The council approved the payment Wednesday.
(credit: HollywoodReporter.com)
Ssquared’s Music Pulse FLASH GAMING Hook-Up!
A while back, a fan of SITASS sent me a link to a fantastic and addictive flash-based game: Punk-O-Matic.
If you tinker with this game, even for 10 minutes, I guarantee you will be hooked. If not, maybe this is more your style: Defend Your Computer.
For my last entrant, I suggest the awesomeness that is: McDonald’s Game. Run your own food empire, every aspect of Mickey D’s is at your fingertips!
At least now you know what I did while I was out of work last fall. See ya’ll in a fortnight!
Keep it real!
Ssquared
