Welcome to AM Raw, where big boys would play if they weren’t cut for more Vince McMahon screen time!
Here’s the intro. It’s nice to see superstars I still care about every week, even if it is just for 30 seconds.
We are taped from who knows, because we start with Vince in the back. He says we will be treated to a once in a lifetime opportunity, to see him in the ring with the champ, John Cena. Maybe there are times when once in a life opportunities should be passed up.
Hey, AM Raw has an intro! Who knew?
Does this mean they don’t have enough to fill the show?
Here comes Kane, the first one of the evening to earn an intro. His opponent, Carlito, does not. Is this a make-up because the AM Raw audience didn’t get to see this match last week? Carlito attacks Kane during his intro and gets a quick two count for his troubles. Kane then decides to no sell everything Carlito does and sits up. Carly is punching away to no avail. Kane throws Carlito into the corner and follows, but eats boot instead of landing whatever he thought he would land. Probably a clothesline. Carlito, master technician that he is, slaps on the sleeper, but Kane decides to stop that nonsense by grabbing Carly’s hair and pulling him over his back. Eye gouge by the Hair, but Kane still decides to hip toss him. Kane punches away in the corner, and then he finally hits that clothesline he was looking for earlier. Kane then hits a sidewalk slam. Coach comments on Kane’s dominance in the match, “I still think it was a fluke.” Oh Coach, you heel you. A top rope clothesline by Kane doesn’t finish the job. Carlito hits a drop kick, then nails Kane with a DDT and gets a two count. Carlito tries to jump from the middle of the top rope but just ends up in a position for a choke slam, so he pulls the ref into the fray and gives Kane the DQ victory. Carly takes off and Kane follows, leading Kane into the DASTSARDLY heel trap. Carly, Masters, Cade and Murdoch (are they back together?) all attack Kane and throw him into a closet. Now he’s in the closet. Now he’s in the closet too. Masters then drives a forklift in front of the door. Such evil genius! King calls it a mugging, though the heels didn’t take a wallet or anything. Biggie Slow appears on the television to save Kane by moving the forklift with his mighty arms.
Back in the ring, the Masterpiece(ofcrap) gets his entrance music and is accompanied by Carly. They are here for the Masterlock challenge for the Big Show. Show moves the forklift, but Kane appears behind him, asking if he needs some assistance. Oh, there was a backdoor in the room. So Kane came out of the closet through the backdoor. Big Show says it all about the dynamic duds in the ring, “Well, they aren’t very smart, are they?” Nice little segment there.
We get a commercial for Undertaker verses Mark Henry. Why are we getting a commercial for this? I actually want to purchase WrestleMania a little less then I did before.
Now we get a commercial for Bret Hart’s Hall of Fame induction. They make sure to include Stone Cold in the video for all those fans that joined in AFTER Bret left. You know, when the WWF was popular.
WrestleMania is TOMORROW.
We are back and Masters is explaining how he has proven to Shawn Michaels, John Cena and Ric Flair that nobody breaks the Masterlock. He also has proven that you don’t need talent to be a star in wrestling. Big Show gets his entrance this week. He must have moved up on their power rankings. Carlito bails through the crowd when he sees Kane coming for him. Show is in the ring awaiting the “challenge.” King comments, “Master and Carlito make Beavis and Butthead look like Nobel Prize winners.” Masters tries to apply his little move, but just can’t get his arms around the Big Lug. Masters protests, “This isn’t fair, he’s all greased up!” Coach clamors for a towel. Don’t forget to bring a towel! So Show actually towels off, and Masters chimes in, “That’s right, we caught you trying to cheat!” There is a lot of amusement to be had listening to Masters try to talk. In the end, Masters gets frustrated and attacks Show, but ends up eating a choke slam for his troubles. Show and Kane’s music plays and that is that.
HBK is walking in the back, with a look on his face that says Jesus told him he has to job to Vince on Sunday.
Another commercial for the Hall of Fame ceremony. Mean Gene Drunk Oakerlund will be in the house.
Nashville Star commercial. Will HBK be there this week? What about Steve Richards? He isn’t doing anything.
Triple H is here, entrance and all. I am SHOCKED. Joey Styles gets himself into hot water by saying, “There is your self-proclaimed King of Kings.” See Joey, that is why you got pulled from WM for Good Ol’ J.R. On a side note, At the Mighty Ducks game last night, they played “The Game” by Motorhead during a timeout. That was exciting. Coach babbles on about how he spoke with Triple H about his WrestleMania match, but Joey can’t believe HHH would lower himself to speak to Coach. Ha ha. Joey asks, “Does anybody want to be WWE Champion more than Triple H?” Probably Christian. Hell, Christian might settle for the European title if they pulled it out of mothballs. Here comes Mr. Michaels, who forgoes the super long entrance and just attacks his bosom buddy. They trade punches in the corner, until HBK bounces off the rope and lands the Lou Thesz press. Stone Cold is interfering in the Michaels/McMahon match! Trip is on the outside and is able to pull HBK out there with him. Shawn slams Trip’s head against the announce table (of the English variety) then hits a clothesline on the Hs. Trip is in the crowd now with HBK in hot pursuit. Shawn ends up back dropping the son-in-law back over the railing and they both head back to the ring. Shawn chops the Game down and sends him off the ropes, but of course Shawn telegraphs the next move and eats knee. Trip punches Shawn in the corner, then chokes him with the boot. He goes to clothesline HBK in the corner but Trip ends up eating a boot. Shawn goes for a second rope move but ends up in a Pedigree position. Michaels reverses and backdrops Trip to the outside. Vince is heading down to the ring, probably to fire Styles in front of a live audience.
Commercial time. Monday on Raw, questions will be…answered.
Back in the ring, HBK hits an inverted atomic drop on the Tripster. Vince grabs Shawn’s leg, which allows the H-Man to set up for another Pedigree, which in turn allows Shawn to reverse yet again, this time letting him sling shot Trip into daddy dearest. Shawn then hits the elbow from the top rope. Coach evidently “hates Shawn Michaels with a passion!” Shawn tunes up the band, but Vince once again grabs his leg. Guess what happens next? That’s right, Triple H hits the Pedigree. So, the match doesn’t really end, and Vince runs in the ring to hold Shawn for some sledgehammer fun. Here comes Cena, to the cheers of the crowd. No, really. They cheered. Cena and Trip face off in the ring, with Trip dropping Sledgy to the floor. This turns out not to be the brightest idea, as Cena hits a right to Trip’s face and sends him over the top rope into the waiting arms of Vince. POWER PUNCH ATTACK!
Commercial for the triple threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship. Rey’s portion of the commercial is, to no one’s shock, dedicated to Eddie.
Back to the show for a Cena video package. Cena started out at the Hard Knock’s Gym, where he put a hole in the wall when he was able to dead lift 650 pounds. Alright, that is impressive. His dad is named John Cena! He is a junior! HAHAHAHAHA! Cena comments, “I don’t have a Dean Malenko move list.” John Cena, Master of the Obvious. Cena ends the package by saying he has made a job out of proving people wrong. My girlfriend points out that Triple H has made a job out of not jobbing to people. Point well taken.
We get a commercial for Steven Segal’s new movie, only on USA. Thank goodness. We wouldn’t want a star like that to just fade away into history.
We catch the tale end of Triple H’s entrance for the second time, just to make sure everyone knows he is kind of important. Vince comes strutting out, looking as if those drug tests don’t apply to the corporate office. He is flexing like Scott Steiner. Listening to Lillian Garcia do the ring announcements makes me hope the Fink shows up for WrestleMania. Styles does a little butt kissing, talking about Vince’s physique, “Looking like that, he kind of has the right to be cocky.” Ah yes, Joey is learning. Shawn Michaels will be in John Cena’s corner for this match, so he makes his way down to the ring. The Champ is here, the champ is here. Sweet sassy molassey, the Champ is here. The crowd initially pops for Cena’s entrance, then just as quickly half the crowd turns on him. It is going to be fun in Chicago for THAT guy. Coach says this will be the last time the Champ is here, giving wrestling fans on the internet a twinkle in their eyes. Vince grabs a mike and orders the ref to handcuff both Trip and Shawn to the ropes, so they cannot interfere. If you don’t know where this is going by now you must be new to the party. You will learn. Joey states, “That is the most fair think the Chairman has done in months. It might be years, I haven’t been here long enough to know.” What, is Joey in a contract renegotiation or something? King points out that Vince has no business wrestling while the Coach continues the verbal rim job. Vince stalls to start, until he and Cena finally lock up. They push away from one another, and one has to wonder if they are trying to make Cena or Vince look credible here. There is a fairly loud Cena chant going. Joey points out that Vince’s only fan is sitting next to the King and himself, so Coach asks if Triple H is a fan. Joey says he is not really a fan per say. Good stuff by the announce team to keep everyone entertained, since this match is not doing the job. Speaking of which, Vince puts Cena in a headlock, making it look like Cena REALLY can’t wrestle. Cena reverses it and pushes Vince down. Vince then slaps Cena and they lock up in a test of strength. It’s Hogan/Warrior Redux! Mr. McMahon is actually winning said test, until he is not winning anymore. King points out, “Mr. McMahon is one his knees!” Please insert a fellatio joke right here. So Vince kicks John in his fellas, giving Cena the win by DQ. Wait, that is a DQ in the WWE these days? Cena is down, of course, and Vince pulls out the handcuffs key and lets Trip loose. Mr. Helmsley grabs one of the 17 sledgehammers from under the ring and the video freezes right when Trip is going to hit Cena with it. The video returns with Trip standing over Cena, who has bladed for everyone’s viewing pleasure. I suppose you can guess what happened when the video froze up. Father and son-in-law then turn their attention to Shawn, who is still handcuffed to the ropes. Once again the video freezes as Trip is about the nail HBK with the sledgehammer, only to come back after Shawn has been nailed. Is USA censoring this or something? Vince then hits Shawn with a chair, leading to the obligatory Pay-Per-View hard sell blade job. The show ends with Vince and Triple H in the ring, smiling at their handiwork.
So they did what they could to sell what they have for WrestleMania. The Kane/Big Show segments were entertaining, but the main event left a lot to be desired. I hear there is some kind of Edge/Mick Foley match this Sunday. Watching this show only for the last month, it will be a shock to me.
That’s all for this week. Next week, the WrestleMania fallout begins…again!
