Casket Match
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
Troy Hepple: . . . Yeah. Hopefully this will be short, or Henry will have some adrenaline pumped into him. Either way, it won’t induce too many bleeding eyeballs so long as they keep up the speed.
Winner: Undertaker
ML Kennedy: Taker has a streak. If they blow that off on Mark Henry, the IWC will resemble a certain scene from Scanners.
Winner: TAKER
Eric Szulczewski: Mark Calloway must be incredibly happy to know that by the time Wrestlemania returns to Chicago, he’ll be retired. The only question in this match is, will Henry follow tradition and crap his pants?
Winner – Fourteen-and-oh, baby
Big Andy Mac: Next
Winner: Mark Henry
Iain Burnside: Oh, please.
Winner – The Undertaker
Steve Murray: 1) UT never loses at Wrestlemania. 2) UT never loses a Casket match. 3) Mark Henry sucks.
Winner: Undertaker
David Brashear: You know how we talked about Match of the Night? This won’t be it. No way the streak ends tonight.
Winner – Undertaker
Jeremy Lambert: If Taker jobs to Henry at WM in a Casket Match, I will actually be happy. Screw The Undertaker, screw his streak, and screw his lack of selling ability. That said, we all know Taker is going to win and then that guy from The Longest Yard is going to attack him thus giving us another Undertaker vs. Random Big Guy #52 feud.
Winner – The Undertaker
Patrick Kellenberger: Taker wins. Henry gets buried. He becomes Orlando Jordan’s bi-curious partner until his contract runs out in June. Everyone, save the fans, go home happy.
Winner: Take a wild guess.
Steve Price: A point often overlooked in the Undertaker’s WrestleMania win streak is the suck-ass nature of his opponents. Check out this list of workrate freaks: Giant Gonzalez, King Kong Bundy, Sid, Kevin Nash, Jake Roberts, Kane, Randy Orton, Albert and Big Show. You can add Triple H and Snuka as you see fit, I guess. Now, there is no chance that Mark Henry will supplant Giant Gonzalez as the worst wrestler on this list… but damn if he doesn’t give Sid and Bundy a run for the second worst.
Scott Keith: As if there’s any doubt.
Winner: Undertaker
Bambi Weavil: I think Undertaker will step it up but I’m not at all excited about this match. I don’t know what Mark Henry will bring to the ring besides his girth and intensity but overall I’m bored with him as a performer.
Winner: The Streak Continues, The Undertaker
Danny Wallace: Taker really needs to sell during this match and tease loosing in order for anybody to really give a shit and get into it. If it’s a one-sided mess then they may as well announce Taker will win halfway through the match, then flash “Time for a Piss Break” on the screen.
Winner: The Undertaker
Vinny Truncellito: Duh.
Winner: The Foregone Conclusion, otherwise known as the Undertaker
Raul Colon: Piss Break! Unless you want to see MNM at WM. They’ll get involved, but it won’t really matter, Taker strolls and rolls his eyes.
Winner: Taker
Matthew Michaels: I think this one will go to a 60-minute draw. Just kidding.
Winner: Undertaker
Dan Hevia: C’mon….c’mon…no seriously, c’mon.
Winner: “Mean” Mark Calloway
Dwayne: There’s no way that the Undertaker is going to job to this fat, ugly f*ck. Is there really any doubt about the outcome of this match? Although it would be the shock of the century if they actually put Henry over here, it’s not happening. He’s on his way out and on job duty until that point.
Winner: Undertaker
Tom Pandich: Let’s say Mark Henry just so if the unthinkable happens, I can brag about being the only writer in the IWC calling a Henry win. Besides, Taker is a combined 5-4-1 in Casket matches so he’s due for a loss, right? Right?
Winner: Mark Henry
World Tag Team Championship Match
World Tag Team Champions Kane & Big Show vs. Chris Masters & Carlito
Troy Hepple: This is Carlito and Masters’ first WrestleMania match. I say why not let them win? Kane and Show already have tainted records, and it could prove to be a great thing for them. I like Chris Masters for some weird reason, and this is (if I remember correctly) the first title match where he’s got a chance of winning. I say why not give them the belts?
Winners And NEW Tag Team Champions: Carlito and Chris Masters
ML Kennedy: I’m gonna call a turn with Show walking out and Kane still pull off a win in order to bury tag wrestling. I can’t say these things for certain though, as I have only watched 3 episodes of the Raw in the last 15 months. And they were on Telemundo.
Winner: KANE
Eric Szulczewski: Will the bathrooms at the Horiz…dammit, Allstate Arena be able to handle the overflow crowd during this one? Will the concession stands run out of food? Will planes taking off from O’Hare plow through the roof of the building, dragged in by the Black Hole Of Suck in the ring? The only thing that’s not in question is the fact that the straps have to come off. I have too many title changes here already, but the fact that so many titles have been in stasis for so long makes some kind of Harmonic Convergence of Title Changes inevitable. It’ll be a cheap win, hopefully. If one of those two, inevitably Kane, succumbs to Gym Bunny’s full nelson, I’m going to scream.
Winners and New Champions – Carly and Gym Bunny
Big Andy Mac: I am slowly and surely becoming a huge Carlito mark. He is fast becoming one of the most entertaining heels in the WWE. He and Masters will win here, probably by chicanery, skullduggery, or tomfoolery.
Winner: Throw together tag team no. 126 (Carlito/Masters)
Iain Burnside: So the oversized reign of Kane & Show comes to an end here. In terms of lengthy title stints, theirs sits somewhere in between Demolition ’90 and Strike Force across ’87 and ’88. In terms of interest, theirs sit somewhere at the U-bend of my toilet, disturbing the flush process and causing nothing but misery for the human race at large. Now they get to drop them to a tag team that a) gets by solely on the haircut and pre-approved charisma of one half of the team, b) gets by regardless of the black hole of suck of the other half of the team and c) isn’t a tag team. Well, gee, thank goodness they built up all those teams on Raw, such as Tomko/Snitsky, Cade/Murdoch, Val/Vis and Sonic Youth, all of whom have died slightly at the hands of recent developments. Never mind, people bought Armageddon. We mock them. We mock them long time. We expect them to pay to see Rocky 6. We are happy to pay to see Clerks 2. Who, exactly, is laughing now?
Winners – Chris Masters & Carlito
Steve Murray: I am as sure of this result as I am anything on the card. I’ve been calling this for months now.
Winner: Masters & Carlito
David Brashear: And here’s a good chance to get the belts off Kane and Big Show.
Winner – Chris Masters and Carlito
Jeremy Lambert: After Raw on Monday, how can I take Carlito and Masters serious? They were outsmarted by Kane, Kane basically squashed Carlito, and Show squashed Masters. I smell a turn by somebody in this match. Masters can’t play a face so having him turn on Carlito (who is very over at this moment) would work. Kane can’t play a face so having him turn on Show could work. Whatever, the Tag Division is dead, and turning somebody would kill it even more.
Winners – Kane & Big Show
Patrick Kellenberger: They have to get the belts off of Big Red & Slow, and right now there isn’t really a better option on Raw than Poser and Hair. There will be some shenanigans involving a chair or the timekeeper’s bell or Super Porky. This will probably lead to miscommunication between Show and Kane, setting up their match for Backlash and beyond. Will it be a good match? No. Will it be a fun match? Probably not. Will most of use mentally zone out for the ten or some minutes that it goes, thinking about Masters being beaten down repeatedly by any army of Super Porkys? Well, I will at least.
Winner: The Stiffs (the shorter ones)
Steve Price: Yeah, this is the first point in the show that will earn “Bathroom Break” status. Like I even care…
Winner: Carlito Caribbean Cool and Ted Arcidi ’06
Scott Keith: Either Carlito & Masters win and do the Wacky Tag Team Champions Who Hate Each Other deal, or Masters turns on Carlito and the champs retain and eat the titles. Carlito’s face turn seems destined to happen now and WM needs a dramatic turn sometimes, so we’ll go with the latter option. Kane and Show retain.
Winner: Big Show and Kane
Bambi Weavil: I expect Kane and Big Show to carry this match but Masters and Carlito will pull a fast-cheat to win the championships even though the WWE continues to make no one care about tag team championship matches or the development of a division. As long as the pay-off by the summer is Carlito and Masters breaking up with one turning face, I can accept the title change.
Winner: Masters and Carlito
Danny Wallace: Masters & Carlito to win no doubt about it. If they don’t I’ll be very surprised. Nothing else to say really. Apart from I hope we see Kane beat the shit out of Big Show after the match and turn heel.
Winner: Masters & Carlito
Vinny Truncellito: I’m hoping to see the belts taken off the lumbering big men, and Carlito might be wrestler enough to carry the Massshhhterpeeeessssshhhh to good matches against decent opponents. Of course, that would require WWE to care about the tag team scene. Oh well, I’ll keep hoping, and go with…
Winner: The Caribbean Masterpiece
Raul Colon: Finally, the tag straps can be removed from Kane and Show. Even though C & M have been built up as bumbling heels, they have proven to work surprisingly well together in the ring. I see a sneaky pin leading to a post match confrontation between Show and Kane (God help us all), leading to the beginning of their feud. The straps will give some more credibility to the two young superstars, and allow for more creative singles options in the future.
Winner: Carlito & Masterpiece (New Champs)
Matthew Michaels: They really have to give someone new the belts, and Carlito and Masters have gotten tons of facetime but no payoff ever since the Elimination Chamber build-up began late last year.
Winners: CarlitoPiece
Dan Hevia: The little push of the two young guns is still on and they need the win here. They’ll get it.
Winners: The Cool Lockers
Dwayne: On a crowded card this match probably won’t add up to much or get much time. Seeing as the challengers have been made to look like chumps in
recent weeks it seems they’re lined up to take the belts. Furthermore Kane & Big Slow have no other realistic challengers of any kind due to their
enormous size and Vince has always had dreams of putting together a working feud between the two. He’s tried before but now could be the time for these two goliath’s to come head to head. They won’t do that with the belts and although Carlito & Masters have little to no team work and are more likely to miscommunicate it does seem all set up for the opposite.
Winners — Carlito/Masters.
Tom Pandich: So let’s say Carly and Masterpiece win the straps. What do they do with them? They continue wrestling in single matches and only carry the tag straps around the same way Kane and the Big Show have. For that reason alone, I think the tag straps shouldn’t move and won’t move. Wacky mismatched tag champs are bleh anyways. Let’s hope the Carlito face turn happens here and that Kane and Big Show lose the belts to some upstart exciting tag team.
Winner and Still Champs: Kane and the Big Show
United States Championship Match
United States Champion Chris Benoit vs. JBL
Troy Hepple: This is my pick for the opening match. Don’t worry though, it’ll go for about twenty minutes. And I can’t wait for this match. Hopefully with some Jillian Hall and William Regal inclusion too. The only match where I’m certain the title won’t be changing hands.
Winner And STILL Champion: Chris Benoit.
ML Kennedy: The match won’t suck. That is all I know.
Winner: JBL by using the ropes.
Eric Szulczewski: Okay, so I was wrong in my Tuesday column. Having got lost in the Hardcore Champions List among all the “Crash Holly” entries, I failed to notice that Jericho and Angle are former Hardcore champions. Therefore, High-Quality Speaker Boy would be the third person to hold a primary, secondary, tag, and both tertiary belts. However, “3” is the number of divinity, and…fill in the blanks yourself.
Winner and New Champion – High-Quality Speaker Boy
Big Andy Mac: The person who could accurately be referred to as a wrestling god will win.
Winner: Chris Benoit
Iain Burnside: The last thing the US title needs right now is another title change. Including the vacancies, there have been six switches in the past twelve months. Taking this into consideration, it makes absolutely perfect anti-sense that WWE would do another switch here. To be fair, there is more mileage in a JBL reign than a Benoit one. Not that it really matters, since the winner of this match will merely be killing time until passing it on to Lashley.
Winner – JBL
Steve Murray: Benoit has basically done nothing with the US title, and doesn’t need it to be over anyway. He should move into a feud with Orton eventually anyway. And JBL can cut the promos of his lifetime trying to promote a true American agenda. Should be fun.
Winner: JBL
David Brashear: I thought JBL was supposed to be out with a broken hand or something. No way Benoit loses here.
Winner – Chris Benoit
Jeremy Lambert: I figure this match will open the show in order to get the crowd into the PPV even more. Can Benoit carry JBL to a *** match or so? Sure, Benoit is that damn good and JBL isn’t that damn bad. A win does nothing for either man and they both deserve better than the US Title.
Winner – JBL
Patrick Kellenberger: While it’s nice to see Benoit with a belt again, JBL needs this win more, especially if they want to use him as a filler challenger to any face world champion in the foreseeable future. Plus, if Orton wins the title, Benoit is a good feud for him down the road.
Winner: JBL
Steve Price: I hold out hope that Benoit survives with his title, but I can’t shake the feeling that someone’s favorite wrestler is getting jobbed out in Chicago. If so, the only silver lining would be for Benoit to move up the food scale on SmackDown, and let JBL start screwing around with Lashley.
Winner: JBL
Scott Keith: Flip a coin, doesn’t matter. JBL by clothesline to win the title, which is exactly the position he belongs in.
Winner: JBL
Bambi Weavil: I think both of these guys are going to prove their critics wrong and put on a good match for Mania. These performers understand what it means to perform on the biggest stage of the year. I’m going to predict that all the titles are going to change tonight, so this one should be no exception.
Winner: JBL
Danny Wallace: This will be awesome; I’ve no doubt in my mind. JBL’s recent mike work the past few weeks has sold me on this. Bring it on!
Winner: JBL
Vinny Truncellito: I’m not too sure how to go here. If JBL fails to capture the title, loses confidence in himself, and builds a new cabinet for back-up as a result, it could be entertaining. If he does win, are we in for an extended feud between The Crippler and The Wrestling God, or will Benoit find his way back to the main event scene?
Winner: JBL
Raul Colon: JBL is still recovering from his Boogeyman affair and needs a W. It should be a great match between two stiff workers. By giving JBL the US Strap it frees up Beniot to go multiple directions, either for a rematch with JBL or working up into the main event scene.
Winner: JBL (New Champion)
Matthew Michaels: Anyone here have a problem with Chris Benoit holding the US Title a few times between now and the end of the year? Yeah, me neither. He can lose here to a former WWE Champion and still be as over as ever. Let him chase someone not named Booker for a while. In fact, let’s have a US Title #1 contender’s tourney with Benoit, Finlay, Lashley, Regal, Hardy and Burchill trying to revive Smackdown Six v2 while JBL remains gold on the mic.
Winner: JBL
Dan Hevia: Wow, I remember two years ago Benoit was winning the World Title and celebrating with Eddie. Now one is dead and the other one has to job to JBL…that sucks.
Winner: JBL
Dwayne: Beniot just won the title. It wouldn’t make any sense for him to lose the belt here if he just regained it from Booker T now would it? Now as far as the match goes, I believe this match will be surprising to quite a few people. Now, while I don’t think it will be “Wrestling Clinic” that JBL proclaimed, I do think that both of these men are very capable of putting on a damn entertaining match. If nothing else it will not be boring. These two know each other very well in the ring, and for some reason, I’m smelling JBL (and company) somehow screws himself out of the title.
WINNER: And STILL United States Champion, Chris Benoit
Tom Pandich: If JBL wasn’t hurt, I sincerely think this would be the match of the night. Bradshaw will win in a match that’ll blow away people facing it with indifference. JBL can work a brawling style really well and Benoit will adjust. Chris will lose the belt due to shenanigans, but it’ll be a great match.
Winner and New Champion: JBL
Women’s Championship Match
Women’s Champion Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James
Troy Hepple: Erm . . . Um . . . I’d be just as certain with my pick for this match if I spend hours on it, or picked it at total random. Three reasons why Trish Stratus should win: 1 – It’s a sixteen month title reign already, why not keep it on her until next year? 2 – She’ll just regain it at Bad Blood anyways. 3 – Because she’s a much more established personality than Mickie James. Three reasons why Mickie James should win: 1 – Because she should, she did after all sacrifice herself for Trish at Taboo Tuesday. 2 – Bring some new life to the Women’s division. 3 – So then in some crazy scheme, a stipulation is put in the contract where Trish never challenges for the title again . . . Which equals September. Mickie James as Champion could never hurt I suppose.
Winner And NEW Champion: Mickie James
ML Kennedy: I hope they do this like the Undertaker vs. Undertaker match where Mickie wrestles as Trish. That would bring in the fetish audience if nothing else. Mickie will get nervous, f*ck up, and Trish will say f*ck it and pin her.
Winner: Trish
Eric Szulczewski: That’s it, I’m having every title change hands. Besides, this is Wrestlemania, where titles rarely stay on the person who brought them to the ring. However, Trish has been champ for fifteen months now. It’s time for a change, and LaJames has been doing a great job with the psycho act, enough so that she might do as good a job as Victoria did in the same position.
Winner and New Champion – MickieLexis LaJames
Big Andy Mac: I honestly think this could be the best match of the night if given the right amount of time. Neither will happen though.
Winner: Mickey will end Trishes reign, but not the feud
Iain Burnside: I would call Mickie James over-rated but then Eric S might get her confused with Bret Hart. This could lead to him picturing Bret in Mickie’s costume, doing Mickie’s routine, clapping along to Mickie’s theme music. This might cause him to smile – and then where would we be, huh? Living under the thumb of Peru, I tells ya…
Winner – Mickie James
Steve Murray: They had a really nice stiff match the last time, and I look forward to some more of the same. Plus, Mickie’s psychology (fondling Trish in the middle of the match) should be fun to match. And Mickie will get to prove something I’ve always said: crazy chicks are the best in the sack, and in Wrestlemania.
Winner: Mickie James
David Brashear: Time to up the ante between Trish & Mickie, and a Mickie title run couldn’t hurt.
Winner – Mickie James
Jeremy Lambert: The best built feud for WM. Kind of sad, but we all know it’s true. Trish has had the belt for over a year now and it’s about time she drops it. Sadly for Mickie, there’s no other contenders for the Womens title which means this feud will continue and Trish will get the belt back down the road. That makes Mickie a WWE Transitional Champion.
Winner – Mickie James
Patrick Kellenberger: So, if Trish were to win, who would they have her feud with after that? Can Lita still wrestle? Will they even let Victoria seem like a serious challenger? At least if Mickie wins, they can continue the feud for a few more months and delay the problem of challengers until the next Diva search, when they refill the T&A Pez dispenser.
Winner: Mickie “Psycho Hose Beast” James
Steve Price: I don’t know what the greater tragedy is; the fact that we’ve seen Mickie James nude and not Trish, or the fact that the E didn’t pull off the whole lesbian relationship angle. I mean, if you’re going to force feed us crap… give us a scoop of ice cream on top, at least.
Winner: Mickie James
Scott Keith: Trish is the longest-reigning champion in forever, approaching Honky Tonk Man longevity, so it’s time to switch the title just for something different. I don’t see Mickie as something long-term, though, so this’ll be a quick month-long reign for her before dropping it back to Trish again.
Winner: Mickie James
Bambi Weavil: This is the match I’m looking the most forward to. This will be intense, full of psychology, and well, hot. This has been the most well-written storyline to date and I think the ladies are going to bring everything they have. I really hope Mickie will bring some of the moves I’ve seen her perform on the indy scene to show her critics who think that women’s wrestling is something to pass time with. A possible show stealer as well, Trish has done a incredible job in working hard over the years but this would give someone else a chance to shine for a little while and James has earned her way up.
Winner: Mickie James
Danny Wallace: If Trish wins, then there’s no point whatsoever to any of this feud. So Mickie to win.
Winner: Mickie James
Vinny Truncellito: Gotta’ put the belt on Mickie here to crank this feud up to the next level. Surprisingly, this is one of the better written storylines in the company right now, and it’s nowhere near ready to be put to bed just yet.
Winner: Mickie James
Raul Colon: I got friends who are looking forward to this match the most. It’s definitely going to be a good fight, considering its maybe the most important women’s title match in about five years given all the build. It’s time to give the Women’s Title a breath of fresh air and allow for Trish to chase the Title for a while.
Winner: Mickie (New Champion)
Matthew Michaels: Oh Mickie you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, GO MICKIE!
Winner: Alexis
Dan Hevia: The poster above me is a tool…but he picked the right winner.
Winner: Mickie
Dwayne: This is the best-booked singles match on the card, bar none. This story has been building since Mickie debuted and has never stalled or fallen short, and has taken Trish to a very different place in her
own character’s development, and I, for one, have learned to really enjoy this story. I don’t recall ever caring more about a WT match or story. Now if we could just get a plot for the ICT. Now in order for this to be a good match, Mickie James will have to work Trish’s style of match, because Trish can’t have a good match if she doesn’t work her style of match. Her moveset is just too limited, and honestly wants to be remembered as the greatest female wrestler of all time? Look at how she’s been half-assing it as of late. The reason why 90% of this match will be good is because Mickie James has more experience than Trish. Trish’s six WWE title wins in the WWE don’t mean shit to Mickie’s seven titles she’s won in seven different promotions. Why? Because Mickie has the experience, she knows how to work different style of matches unlike Trish, she’s work in different organizations and unlike Trish, she’s not just in it for the fame. She has a passion for wrestling which I sometimes think Trish severely lacks. This could be a pretty damn good match. It could also be a pretty sloppy match. The storyline has been the same way, at some points it’s really good and at some points it’s been pretty ridiculous. It’s been good recently, so that part of the story should not be lacking. I’m guessing that we get a title change here because they haven’t had one in about 5 years. This match all depends on Trish and her willingness to let Mickie carry her.
Winner: Mickie James
Tom Pandich: This is where we pick our favorite woman wrestler due to erection size, right? Hopefully the recent tag match with Trish and Victoria won’t be indicative of any ring rust that Trish has. Still, my beautiful and beloved wins and goes all crazy until she drops the belt to Ashlie once her leg heels.
Winner and New Champ: Mickie James
Boogeyman vs. Booker T and Sharmell
Troy Hepple: All signs point to Boogeyman winning, and then Booker T and Sharmell buggering off to RAW.
Winner: The Boogeyman
ML Kennedy: Poor Booker T. Maybe he will get to land a sloppy Harlem Hangover on Boogey’s face. It’s not like he has teeth to worry about.
Winner: Boogeyman pins Sharmell. Foolishness ensues.
Eric Szulczewski: Mixed signals coming off of Smackdown on this one. Boogey’s terrorized George and Weezie so much that you’d think that Booker would get a little back. Can’t be, though. Boogey’s on a hot streak, and Booker has this nasty tendency to become a sacrificial lamb at WM.
Winner – The Boogeyman
Big Andy Mac: WHY? WHY? WHY?
Winner: WHY?
Iain Burnside: Three black people competing in an inter-gender WrestleMania match. How times progress. How unfortunate that the entire match is built around the involvement of worms. How lame that every wrestler on Smackdown seemingly has an irrational fear of worms. Sure, it’s a little bit more realistic than an irrational fear of gravity but it certainly isn’t as random/bizarre/funny/funky/smelly/green/Belgian/dental hygiene/I’ve forgotten how this sentence started. Is it time to pick a winner yet?
Winner – The Boogeyman
Steve Murray: The Boogeyman push up the card seems unstoppable, but eventually they’re going to have this get this guy over on what he can do inside the ring, instead of spooky lights and worms. I have no idea what’s going to happen then.
Winner: Boogeyman
David Brashear: Here’s hoping the WWE uses the Warrior philosophy of booking this match. Keep it short. Keep it simple. And put him in there with a more skillful opponent (like Booker T). Follow those rules and you’ve got a shot at a decent match. Don’t follow them and you’ve got a shot at another Halloween Havoc ’98 stinkaroo.
Winner – Boogeyman
Jeremy Lambert: I guess Sharmell is in this match so Booker doesn’t lose his heat or something? Whatever, Boogeyman is getting the push so he’ll win.
Winner – Boogeyman
Patrick Kellenberger: I miss Booker T in meaningful feuds. Or in half decent feuds. Or in something that is slightly interesting.
Winner: Boogeyman
Steve Price: Who did Booker piss off to get stuck in this hellhole of a feud? If this is the best that the “E” can come up with for the FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME WCW Champion, then maybe Booker T should take his leave. Like he’s been rumored to be close to doing since 1997.
Winner: Boogeyman
Scott Keith: At least it should be quick. Boogeyman by pinfall.
Winner: Boogeyman
Bambi Weavil: Not too excited about this match, if the Playboy Pillowfight wasn’t booked this would be the silliest match of the night. Boogeyman will freak everyone out and will pull off a gross win.
Winner: Boogeyman, worms and all.
Danny Wallace: As soon as the handicap match was announced I KNEW that Boogeyman was going to win. I don’t think he’ll get it by pinfall though. I think he’ll freak Sharmell out so much that she’ll run off and get counted out. I’m also interested to see if the guy can, you know, wrestle.
Winner: Boogeyman
Vinny Truncellito: I guess I’ll go check the nachos in the oven. Anybody want a beer?
Winner: I couldn’t care less, but Boogeyman, I guess.
Raul Colon: This match won’t go more than 6 minutes. I don’t see Booker T winning because they need to keep Da Boogey Monster’s push going. However, Booker T is not going to be pinned because it would make Book look too weak. Look for a heel miscue leading to Boogeyman pinning Sharmell.
Winner: Boogeyman
Matthew Michaels: Boogeyman needs the win here, unless WWE is fine keeping him a comedy act.
Winner: Boogeyman
Dan Hevia: Sharmell comes out and turns on Booker…that’d be funny…SUCKKKKKAAAAAA!
Winner: Boogeyman
Dwayne: This will probably just be a quick squash. I hope it is at least, because I really don’t want to sit through this horrid match. Kudos to Booker and Sharmell for making this work. Also, kudos to Booker and Sharmell for doing the job at Wrestlemania. I feel so sorry for Booker.
Winner: Boogeyman
Tom Pandich: Come on people! Sure, Boogeyman is getting the monster push but as soon as Sharmell got tossed in, that clinched it for Booker. Expect a ref distraction, weapon missed shot, Boogey grabbing Sharmell causing the fans to go wild, and a roll up to finish.
Winner: Booker T
Playboy Pillowfight
Torrie vs. Candice
Troy Hepple: Torrie Wilson is second to Trish Stratus in the “being the good girl that creative keeps strong”. The person who currently seconds Mickie James is . . Momma. I say let’s put Candice Michelle over. Give her some credibility for crying out loud.
Winner: Candice Michelle
ML Kennedy: Really? This is Wrestlemania? I’m kinda glad I couldn’t get tickets.
Winner: Candice.
Eric Szulczewski: This match is useless, but appropriate. After all, Playboy’s still headquartered in Chicago. Candice, of course, will have Victoria come down to the ring with her. That means that the Ten-Buck Tramp is in trouble, obviously denoting that My Beautiful and Beloved will do the run-in for the save.
Winner – The Ten-Buck Tramp
Big Andy Mac: (see Booker T vs. Boogeyman)
Iain Burnside: What, they couldn’t have had a ‘whore-off’ instead?
Winner – Impossible
Steve Murray: Well, they’ll look good at least. Otherwise, useless.
Winner: Torrie
David Brashear: And now we present the evening’s quota of T&A. Of course, they’ve already shown all their T&A in Playboy, so you could just dig out the magazines.
Winner: Torrie, just to put an end to this “feud.”
Jeremy Lambert: Unless one of them strips or something pops out, I don’t care about this match. It’s being built as a “Playboy Showdown”, well in Playboy, they get naked. So unless one of them is getting naked, leave this stuff in the magazine.
Winner – Candice Michelle
Patrick Kellenberger: I am gonna have to go with the dug out tramp. I don’t care which one.
Winner: Whichever one shows her breasts first.
Steve Price: The obligatory lesbian kiss between Victoria and Candice will be the only bright spot in this dog. This reeks of “Mae Young Appearance”, folks, because if a joke worked in 1998, Vince will use a variation of it for the next twenty five years. They’ll be exhuming Moolah and Young in 2009 when the 7-Year Rule expires on the Katie Vick angle.
Winner: Angela Lansbury
Scott Keith: Likely a non decision.
Winner: No one
Bambi Weavil: As I’ve written in my column, Make Movement, if they aren’t topless why call this a Playboy Pillowfight? Candice will do her Go Daddy Wiggle and the crowd will be pleased but will want it over before five minutes for the next match. I can only hope that Victoria will interfere.
Winner: Candice
Danny Wallace: Yawwwwwwwn…
Winner: Playboy for the free advertising
Vinny Truncellito: Those nachos still aren’t done yet?
Winner: The one who was a covergirl
Raul Colon: Doesn’t really matter who wins this match, just looking for some slippage. The Candice push continues.
Winner: Candice
Matthew Michaels: Uh…
Winner: Candice
Dan Hevia: Yeah, I’d hit that…
Winner: Candance
Dwayne: This match has about as much relevance as the Boogeyman match. At least the scenery will be nicer. Candice is the newer Playboy cover girl, but Torrie has a tendency to win these ridiculous contests when we think that a newer talent is going over. Eh, as long as somebody gets naked I don’t care. But the real winners are THE FANS OF COURSE. Hey, it might be ridiculous, but I enjoy seeing two women get it on just as much as the next guy.
Winner: Torrie Wilson
Tom Pandich: Again, roll up. Hopefully it’ll be short.
Winner: Torrie
Bonus Question #1: Will Bret Hart interfere in the Michaels/McMahon match and if he does, what will he do?
Troy Hepple: If Bret Hart gets involved, which he will, then there is not one single way that – whatever happens – everyone can go home happy. The best scenario is Bret screws Vince over and Shawn wins the match, before Bret locks him in the Sharpshooter and Michaels can’t wrestle for a few months. Thats the very best situation that could happen.
ML Kennedy: No. If by some miracle he does, he will attack both of them.
Eric Szulczewski: Yes, he will, and he’ll go after Vince. It’ll mean the difference in the pinfall, and then Overrated can give a nice, smug look in Michaels’ direction. Hopefully, this will lead to the opening promo on Raw having Vince and Michaels in the ring together and Michaels telling Vince he was right in terms of not letting it go.
Big Andy Mac: Bret will not interfere. It is disappointing that he won’t even be there for the little wave by all the inductees. And why is William “Refrigerator” Perry getting into the celebrity wing before Mr. T or Bob Uecker.
Iain Burnside: No, and nothing, in that order.
Steve Murray: Not a chance.
David Brashear: Bret’s always seemed to be a man of his word. He’s already said that he’s not accepting any pay for the Hall of Fame induction, and that he’s leaving immediately thereafter. Further, he says that if he even sees Shawn Michaels he’s out the door. I know that there are legit problems between the two, and I get the feeling that the McMahon-Bret relationship still isn’t the rosiest. Bret also seems concerned about how he’s remembered, and I don’t think he’d want to be remembered as a heel (the only way he could be, since I definitely don’t see him clocking McMahon and giving Michaels the win). On top of that, given Bret’s medical condition, the WWE would probably want this to lead into a feud, and there’s no way Bret could do the blowoff match. My opinion? Gotta say that Bret won’t show at Mania.
Jeremy Lambert: Here’s the thing with Bret. He claims that he doesn’t want Michaels at the HOF Ceremony because he’s afraid that he’ll hit him. Well, if you want to hit him that bad, take the money Vince is willing to give you, and beat the hell out of him in the ring. Michaels is a Christian, he’ll understand if you stiff him a little bit. To answer the question though, no, Bret won’t show and all the little Bret marks will cry and moan like Bret has done for almost a decade.
Patrick Kellenberger: I was all ready to say no chance, until Hart gave that interview and said there was no way he would show up at WrestleMania. I can just picture Vince walking up to him with a cashiers check for one million dollars, telling him all it would take to put Bret’s name on it is to make a five minute appearance. Men have done worse for far less money. So let’s go with yes and say he lays out Vince, giving Shawn the win, then lays out Shawn. That gives Bret one last moment to shine and puts an end to this chapter of wrestling’s biggest soap opera. Of course, this being the WWE, they will probably run a program right after where Bret has a match with Rey Mysterio to decide whose name the match is in honor of, Owen Hart or Eddie Guerrero.
Steve Price: A lot of people have the idea that Bret will indeed show up to cause some trouble in the Michaels/McMahon match. I don’t buy it, for one important reason: Hart’s ego is as big as Uncle Elmer’s ass (see, there were a few Southern hicks to watch the WWF in the 1980s). There’s too much pride to swallow for Hart to come out and run interference, or pretend to shoot on the duo. Besides, knowing Hart, he’s probably fearful of a big swerve shoot in mid-match if he were to go out there, with McMahon screaming “ring the f’n bell!” out of nowhere.
Bambi Weavil: Yes, I believe he will. I believe he will go down to the ring when the ref is conveniently knocked out and hit Shawn Michaels first, and then the crowd boos and then McMahon acts like Hart is with him all along now in getting at Michaels and then Bret hits him, puts him in the Sharpshooter and then walks out with no explanation ever given.
Danny Wallace: Just for the hell of it, I’ll go with yes he will interfere. I see him coming out during the match with a steel chair in hand, attack HBK, Vince and Shane (he’ll be there outside the ring to support his old man), and then both HBK and Vince will retreat up the aisle together in fear. (That could lead to a HBK heel turn, and HBK as the new GM the next night on Raw). Then Bret will grab a mike, say a few words, thank the fans and then leave with his head held high. And even if that doesn’t happen, they’ll at least play Bret’s music during the match at some point, just to f*ck with everybody.
Vinny Truncellito: As a huge fan of Bret Hart, I’m torn. I’d love to see him come back and engage in storylines, but I’d hate to see him break his word and become a hypocrite. He swore to leave his legacy as a great wrestler, and if he can’t go in the ring, he doesn’t want to be an on-screen character. I’ll place my markdom aside and hope he keeps his word, gives a gracious speech at the HoF ceremony, and departs Chicago before the show.
Raul Colon: No. But if he did, he would lay both of them out and walk on out in his cool leather jacket.
Matthew Michaels: Nothing will shock me. Well, unless Bret actually DOES show up.
Dan Hevia: Yes…but only if he hits THE STROKE on HBK…HAHAHHAHA I kill me.
Tom Pandich: Bret will interfere. Screw what Bret has been saying. He and Vince are on good terms now. Anywho, he makes like he’s going to screw Vince before going after Shawn and taking him out. The next night, the whole GM situation is finally resolved as Bret Hart gets instated causing Shawn’s “highway to hell” to continue. Granted, my fantasy booking never EVVVVVVAR comes right, but still.
Bonus Question #2: On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), rate this Wrestlemania card compared to previous Wrestlemania cards and explain why.
Troy Hepple: I’d say 8, but then again, I liked WrestleMania 16.
ML Kennedy: 4. Nothing about this year’s card feels particularly special, but there is a good amount of talent.
Eric Szulczewski: I don’t do comparisons like this. They’re disingenuous. However, if you’re going to push me, I’d give it a 5. Perfectly average. Nothing that knocks the socks off me, but comparative in the amount of sheer, utter crap that most Wrestlemanias have.
Big Andy Mac: This will not be the worst Wrestlemania, but will be the worst one since IX. I give it a 1. I also think this ‘Mania could be worse than any of the three Ring of Honor shows that precede it, not because I drink the RoH “kool-aid” but because I just don’t think Wrestlemania will be that good.
Iain Burnside: I did something like this in one of my recent columns and came to the conclusion that it ranks alongside XVIII in terms of seemingly unavoidable apathy. Only IX and XI clearly stand out as being worse from the outset, though this year’s effort will have it’s work cut out for it if it really wants to out-bore IV. I have no idea how this could possibly work on a scale of I to X as the numerals are clearly messing with my head.
Steve Murray: Um, let’s give it a 6. I have faith in the top 3 matches all being at least “**1/2” level or better, Edge and Foley should be a great bloody brawl, Benoit should carry JBL to a good match, and there will be actual wrestling in the Women’s title match. However, the Pillowfight is a joke, Boogeyman can’t wrestle, and UT/Henry will be the slowest, most plodding match of this calendar year. But, at least they kept the majority of the true stinkers on the undercard, instead of putting Lawrence Taylor in the final match.
David Brashear: I’ve got to give this Mania about a 3. There are no matches that grab my interest, and several of them are all but guaranteed to be awful (Undertaker/Henry, Boogeyman/Sharmell). Triple H is all but guaranteed to go over Cena, I don’t want to see Vince McMahon wrestling on the year’s biggest show (especially while the cruiserweights are ignored) and I get the feeling that the Money in the Bank is going to be a complete and total cluster. To say that I’m underwhelmed by this year’s Mania would be an understatement. But don’t worry. Hopefully it’ll turn out better than IX did.
Jeremy Lambert: 4. On paper, this card is pretty bland. There’s no match that is a real MOTYC and there’s only a few matches that could make it into **** territory. There’s also too much filler on this card thus cutting match times a bit shorter.
Patrick Kellenberger: A five. There are some intriguing match-up, though nothing spectacular from a work rate standpoint. If anything, John Cena v. Triple H will be worth the price of the pay-per-view alone just to see the crowd reaction. The SmackDown main event should be a good match, especially if Rey wins the title. Vince v. HBK will at least have the specter of a Hart attack (horrible pun obviously intended). It will be better than the worst of the bunch, like WM IX, but it won’t be one everyone is talking about six months later. It’s middle of the road at worst.
Steve Price: Gotta go with a 2, if only because WrestleMania IX completely blows all challengers out of the water. There isn’t a single match with the potential to be “great” on the card, but the presence of Ric Flair (the Father) and Christ Benoit (the Son) save this dog from the level of WrestleMania IX. Although WrestleMania 13, IV and XI are certainly within range of this show’s suck power right now.
Bambi Weavil: 7 – the fact it’s a Triple Threat main event hurts it because if it was one on one I would have given it a 8, but I understand why it’s necessary to have Mysterio in the Triple Threat. I couldn’t give it higher than a seven because I’m excited that WrestleMania is WrestleMania but matches that I feel emotionally invested in, would be only five matches out of the eleven scheduled matches.
Danny Wallace: You know, about a month ago everybody was slagging the WWE off for the shitty build to Mania. Truth be told, it’s pretty wank in terms on long-term planning, but thanks to injuries (Big Dave), deaths (Eddie, obviously) and the dreaded fans turning against shitty gimmicks (Cena), they’ve done a decent job with what little time they’ve been given to turn this card into something pretty great considering. As for rating this against other Manias… no thanks. I don’t like to rate anything, because what’s the point? I’ve enjoyed every Mania so far, and to be honest, I really don’t have the memory to think back to past Manias and compare matches, storylines, etc. That’s what alcohol and various amounts of tobacco does to your brain, kids. Take note.
Vinny Truncellito: Ugh. 5, maybe. This show lacks the electricity a WrestleMania should have. Seems the WWE is coasting, relying more on the name than on the card for buyrates.
Raul Colon: 7. It doesn’t have slow build match. It seems like most of these matches have been thrown together in the last one or two months as a normal PPV, which should never happen when booking WM. However, the two title matches, MITB, the Hardcore match, the US Title Match, and the Women’s Title are all up in the air and will provide for some quality surprise moments.
Matthew Michaels: Do I REALLY have to explain why? I say 5 on paper with a chance to move up to a 7 or 7.5 if matches deliver above expectations.
Dan Hevia: 7 but I think people are underestimating this card to an extent.
Tom Pandich: It’s slightly above the mediocre card, I’ll call it a 6. Edge/Foley will deliver, the Triple Threat won’t be as bad as everyone thinks it’ll be, and Benoit and JBL will put together a decent match. Still though, we’ve got Mark Henry and the Undertaker in the same match and a Playboy Pillowfight. The card has a bit of intrigue to it, but not much.
Bonus Question #3: What’s the Match of the Night?
Troy Hepple: Women’s Championship. If not the World Heavy Weight Championship.
ML Kennedy: Undertaker vs. Henry… Wait… what was the question? Fuck it, I’m gonna say the match that goes closest to 16 minutes without going over. It’s like the Price is Right, only oilier.
Eric Szulczewski: My first instinct is to say Edge/Foley. However, reports from the hinterlands say that Benoit and High-Quality Speaker Boy have been tearing it up in the previews, doing long matches and getting great audience response. With a four-hour show, they can be given the twenty-five they’ve been getting on the house show circuit, and if that’s the case, then we’re in for a match that no one expected High-Quality Speaker Boy to have in him. And if High-Quality Speaker Boy ends it with a submission move…
Big Andy Mac: The Triple Threat for the world title should be the best. Money in the Bank could be good. Other than that not much.
Prediction: Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton
Iain Burnside: We all know that Edge is keen to nab that particular honor for his bout, but I haven’t enough confidence left in Foley as a wrestler to choose it. The WWE Championship match will certainly be interesting, if only in the same bizarre way that Lesnar/Goldberg was, but even Triple H appears rather half-hearted about it. The World Heavyweight and United States title matches should see some perfectly acceptable, if largely uninspired, wrestling. In the absence of anything better, the Money In The Bank clusterf*ck would appear to be the safest bet. It gives us the chance to go “Whoooo!” at Flair, mutter “duuuude” at Rob, make Wookie noises as Lashley and Finlay decimate one another, come up with inventive ways of mocking Hardy, and watch Shelton try to repeat his big spots from last year without inevitably messing them up. However you slice it, the carnage is still carved from one big lump of easy fun.
Steve Murray: Edge and Foley – should be brutal.
David Brashear: I think that Trish-Mickie’ll be good, but I don’t expect it to be MOTN. I’ve got to say that I expect that from the Smackdown main event. Take three skilled wrestlers who have experience against each other and put them in a match together. Angle and Rey should be able to cover up Orton’s deficiencies, and the three of them should put on a decent match as well. With a Mania card this week, I think a decent match is going to be the best you could hope for.
Jeremy Lambert: As I mentioned, there’s no real show stealer match. I figure Michaels will bump like a mad man for Vince, RVD will come out and want to steal the show, HHH will give his best effort, and the triple threat should be decent enough with Angle/Rey. If I had to pick a MOTYN, I’d go with the Triple Threat Match just because Angle/Rey can take out Orton for a period of time and battle it out themselves. Much like the Taboo Tuesday Triple Threat between Michaels, Angle, and Cena.
Patrick Kellenberger: Just to be different (and stupid), I am going to go with Cena vs. Triple H. Stranger things have happened…right?
Steve Price: Gotta go with Money in the Bank. Cena/HHH is going to suck so bad, Dusty Rhodes wouldn’t even book it. Orton will drag Angle and Mysterio to his level, Edge/Foley is pure garbage, and the less said about Undertaker/Henry, the better. On the other hand, you have a pure athlete in Benjamin, a spot artist in RVD, sheer brutality with Lashley and Finley, Ric “the BY (WHOO) GOD (WHOO) MAN”… and Matt Hardy. Plenty of juice should flow from Space Mountain, Flair gets to go over, and Matt Hardy will be abused in the groin at least twice. It’s a win-win situation!
Bambi Weavil: Money in the Bank will be Money for every career involved.
Danny Wallace: Edge vs. Cactus Jack.
Vinny Truncellito: World Heavyweight Title match between Angle, Orton, and Mysterio.
Raul Colon: Triple Threat Match. A contrast of styles with three guys who can bring it on the main stage equals a tremendous match. Not to mention, each superstar has a pretty entrenched fan base making crowd reaction equally interesting to the match.
Matthew Michaels: Rey/Angle/Randy. Most talent than in any other match, although HHH, Vince and Foley will all do their best to prove me wrong.
Dan Hevia: Triple Threat or Edge/Foley.
Tom Pandich: Hmm. I’ll say Edge/Foley as there will be at least three crazy spots with Edge taking two of them. Flaming tables anyone?
Thanks for reading. On behalf of the entire Inside Pulse staff, Have a Happy Wrestlemania everyone (and screw all of you people who want us to say have a happy “professional wrestling holiday”)!
