In Quasi-Memoriam: Victor Quinones. We only know some of the horror stories about him (viz. the David Flair bukkake scene and the Sports Car Of Love). Now, the REAL good stories are going to start to come out about him. On the other hand, if I’m Carly Colon, I’m dancing in the streets of Rosemont. Dad’s biggest rival dead and he’s getting the tag straps? Now that’s cool.
So why am I bothering with this? Well, it’s a chance to do a weird Triple Threat: Smackdown, Impact, and the Hall of Fame. Plus, with crowds attracted here for Wrestlemania, maybe someone will read one of these for a change. That’s the bad part about this column being posted on Sundays: it’s obvious that we’re a very popular website to be accessed from one’s place of employment. That’s one big reason why my column’s been a Tuesday Morning Tradition for six years now. So, maybe people will find out that I actually do more than one column a week.
Besides, I really have nothing else to do. This year’s April Fools gag among movie pirates seems to be fake versions of Ice Age 2. This is really pissing me off. Why not do this to a movie I don’t want to see? So, I’m waiting for one that might be real to finish downloading. What I can’t do is wait for another copy of Smackdown to do the same. All of the overseas feeds seemed to be blissfully unavailable this week, so I had to wait for the US version to be broadcast and capped. The first one available was the SVCD version, which wouldn’t give me proper screen caps, so I had to download another version damn quick. WM Weekend does indeed piss me off.
And Memo To Cooling: I’m not bitching about Kurt Angle not winning at WM. I’m bitching about Angle never winning at WM when it counts, namely when there’s something on the line more than pride. That’s why I’m predicting him to drop the title at WM. So is everyone else, but at least I’m not predicting him to drop it to Rey-Rey, like all the other sentimental fools are. After all, I need nightmare fodder for Tuesday’s column, and that, combined with Trip, Eleven-Time World Champion, should be enough. Also, your reason for justifying your position is complete and utter bullshit. “Angle normally goes into WM a heel, so therefore he has to lose”? Come off it, Will. You know better.
Oh, screw this. Let’s get on with the festivities…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Our Lord and Savior over A Man I’m Ashamed To Share A Hometown With, Non-Title Match (Submission, crossface): Just to bring things full circle, Lambert mentioned that he now understands what I always talk about regarding Cole not calling the Triple Germans. This time, it was even more obvious, since Tazz ended up calling them during the third German. This really annoys me, folks. As Lambert said, we all know, even the marks, when he’s setting up the first one that he’s going for three…everyone, apparently, but Cole. What exactly is Cole going after here? I really don’t understand what’s behind his total refusal to call one of Benoit’s signature moves. Of course, I really don’t understand why Joey Styles isn’t doing Wrestlemania either, so there’s an inherent mystery about WWE’s announce teams that I apparently can’t fathom. There’s only one solution: replace Lawler with me, get rid of Coachman, and let me call Raw with Styles. If he thought Gertner was a mean little shit…
So totally wrong on so many different levels
High-Quality Speaker Boy over Daniel Cross (Pinfall, Clothesline From Hell Times Two): Weird, weird announce job on this mercifully short match. Cole denigrating the jobber and Tazz defending him? Cole heel turn, maybe?
No one can train someone to take a boot in the kisser like Harley Race
Paul Burchill over Booker T (COR; Boogey-ference): It’s bad enough that WWE reads my column and decides to either make sure that what I propose does not happen or warp my ideas to the point of idiocy. Now I think they’re in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum. Remember when I said a few weeks ago that I had ideas regarding Burchill, but wouldn’t express them for fear of WWE not doing them and thus ruining the poor guy? Well, Fingers got me to spill the beans in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum. In there, I told everyone that one possibility for Burchill was to kidnap Paisley and hold her for ransom. So what did they do? Set up a Booker/Burchill match, but had Boogey kidnap her instead. Oh, my poor head…
Let’s hope that that’s as far as they got, because after that, I told everyone what my real idea was for Burchill, and everyone liked that one. We can only hope that it does happen, because if it does, it’d be an interesting feud to say the least. And, no, I’m not telling you.
Where will you be when your diarrhea medication runs out?
Historians believe that prior to the popularization of cutlasses and pistols, most pirates used leg scissors to take down their opponents
Matt Hardy, Bobby Lashley, and Tatanka over Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, and Fit Finlay (Pinfall, Hardy pins Mercury, Twist Of Fate): So, what was the purpose of this match? Was it a Pimp Match for MITB? No, not really. If that had been the case, Hardy would have got the pin over Finlay (or more likely Lashley would have got the pin over Finlay). Instead, it made it abundantly clear that MNM, despite having the tag belts, do not have a match at WM. It also made it abundantly clear that despite having a number of teams that could use a push, there is no team that’s an actual, built-up competitor for MNM at this point. It’s just too strange that the weaker of the two brands in the tag scene has a title match at WM. Too weird, folks, too weird.
Lashley takes out the trashy
Super Crazy and Psicosis over Kid Kash and Jamie Fuckin’ Noble (Pinfall, Super Crazy pins Kash, top-rope flipping DDT): No, this does not count as “building up a challenger to MNM”. The Mexicools are already built up, and I’ve wasted enough time typing in my total confusion as to why they’re not tag champs. No, I believe that this was WWE’s hidden fifth anniversary tribute to WCW. It was just like a WCW cruiser match, even down to most of the same participants, only more boring. Of course, it wasn’t boring enough for me to lose my attention. They are all that good. I just wish they were on Smackdown more. Again, it’s another expose-the-gap moment, as we suddenly remember that there’s no cruiser match at WM either.
Noble expresses his dissent for the laxity of the new immigration policy, in his own way
Kurt Angle over Rey-Rey, Non-Title Match (Submission, AngleLock): Okay, they gave it over ten, it was a good match with a great end sequence…I have nothing to complain about. Hey, Orton stayed out of it completely, which made it an effective pimp. It also reinforces my belief that Orton’s getting the title. Of course, by this point, I’m already on the record as having said that multiple times. But it was a good showcase for these guys and a real main event for a change instead of the ridiculous spectacles they’ve been having lately on this show.
Well, that one missed
Angle Developments:
The Price Was Right: On IPSR this week, Steve said that the SD championship match would come off third-from-top at WM. He’s exactly right, and it’s an assumption I’ve made for weeks. Obviously Trip has to get the final match, and obviously Vince has to get second-from-top. In fact, I made my prediction in the Round Table based on the fact that this is coming on third-from-top. This way, WWE can get the rancid taste of Randy Orton, Two-Time World Champion, out of people’s mouths before the end of the show. Everyone who’s picking Rey-Rey didn’t factor card placement into their selection. Silly fools.
Nope, sorry, you’re not winning Sunday
No, not you either
Yes, I’m afraid it’s you. Come on down to collect your prize.
Mark Henry found God, but God didn’t want him
If I’m the Kemper Arena custodial staff, I’m pissed
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Harris and James Storm over Road Hogg and Monty Sapp, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Harris pins Gunn, Konnan-ference): I started coming up with a number of things to think about other than this match. First of all, does anyone remember when tag matches featuring these guys would be main events? It wasn’t that long ago in either case. And now they’re curtain-jerking title matches, which is also an indictment of how stagnant TNA’s tag scene has become. Next, isn’t it hypocritical for Billy Gunn to be involved in any situation where a “Brokeback Mountain” chant is used as an insult, especially since he says that the angle with Chuck Palumbo was the best one he’s ever been in? Finally, has Don West ever met a gay person, or is his ignorance just a case of overcompensation (insert wardrobe joke here)? Since this one was relatively short, that’s all I had time to consider. You may ask questions at will.
Yeah, that’d scare the shit out of me too
Samoa Joe over Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, and Alex Shelley, Fatal (Whenever Joe’s In There) Four-Way Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, Joe pins Dutt, Musclebuster): Rare pinfall off of the Musclebuster without it having to be a transition to the Kokina Clutch. Oh, but I’ve got to quibble about the result. I just hate blatant pimps, and setting up a Joe/Daniels title match for the first Thursday Night Impact is WWE-esque in its cynicism. Yeah, people will be excited over it and all, and they’re going to be relying on the smarks telling their friends, “You’ve got to watch these two guys” in order to get in a higher audience for the first Thursday show (not to mention put something on the show that might attract the weirdos who follow UFC). So I know why, I just don’t accept it. How many graphs did I do last week on the subject of the main event of Wrestlemania 17?
Ever since the Waltman Affair, I’ve been complaining that TNA has to do right by Alex Shelley. After a short hiatus, they’ve definitely been doing that. However, it’s really two steps forward, one step back. He’s aligned with Jarrett, for instance. In TNA’s mind, that is doing right by Shelley. By ours, it’s attaching an albatross to his neck. Him not being the target of the pinfall in this match is also probably doing right by him in TNA’s mind, as “protection”. But he really didn’t do anything in this match other than be Sonjay’s kutta. A video camera is perfectly fine as an elevation tool, but it has to be backed up with results. And can you please do something with Sonjay to elevate him too, maybe during the X Cup?
Another demonstration of Dubbaya’s failure at foreign policy, since this makes it obvious that India still has missile capability
And the means by which to launch them
Yep, Chris, that’s just about the only way to do it
Angle Developments:
Descent Into Banality: I’ve had complimentary things to say about the Impact Zone Crazies. But sometimes they show that they’re almost as bad as WWE audiences when it comes to “standard audience behavior”. Look at the opening…well, you’d have to call it a promo, I guess. What was the audience’s reaction to the ex-Dudleys and Team Canada going after each other? “USA”, followed by “Team 3D”, followed by “Get The Tables”, followed by another “USA”, followed by “You Suck”. Were they showing idiot cards to the crowd or something? Could you get more cliched? Come on, guys, you’re better than this.
Eat your heart out, Kimmie Meissner
Linda Evans and Joan Collins had better workrate
I’m not going to comment on the whole end sequence. It was just an obvious indicator that Jarrett’s borrowed Kevin Nash’s Ego Dildo ™ again. He gets off on showing that all of the TNA faces are against him, thus placing him yet again at the center of attention. Does he masturbate furiously at the booking meetings when they discuss ways to keep him at the epicenter of TNA?
THE HALL OF FAME SHORT FORM
Yeah, what the hell. It’s Wrestlemania Weekend, and I’ve got all three hours of it downloaded thanks to someone stream-capturing the wwe.com portion and others doing the broadcast. So expect your screen caps to vary widely in quality due to that.
Photo Gallery:
“We’re a happy family, we’re a happy family, we’re a happy family, me, mom, and daddy…”
You may connect this photo at your leisure to the reason why Flair’s in MITB
Arn’s wondering what Heenan’s going to say about him and Tully next year. Meanwhile, doesn’t Kane look sooooo enthused to be there?
You know he’s thinking about next year too
Ditto, but I’m thinking 2008. Or whenever Flair retires.
2008 as well, if they can find Buddy Roberts
Remember him? God knows “creative” doesn’t.
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you will die
Uh, oh, trouble
Well, that sure as hell blows the old image, doesn’t it?
“If Benoit keeps droning on like that, I’ll definitely do One-Night Stand and kick his ass in.”
Inductees:
The Blackjacks by Bobby Heenan: Fleabag called me on Saturday, and he told me that this was the induction that he was most looking forward to, because he expected Heenan to shoot on Lanza’s ass. Well, he didn’t, but, me being the good South Side boy that I am, I marked out when Bobby mentioned the Ampitheater. Damn, I miss that place; years after the Stockyards closed, you could still smell the cowshit. I saw KISS and Judas Priest there in ’77. Helluva concert. So why am I thinking about that? Because it’s perfectly justified to be nostalgic when watching something like this, that’s why. So screw you. If I want to remember KISS and Priest instead of wrestling in re the Ampitheater, I will.
You just KNEW High-Quality Speaker Boy was weeping in his seat when they brought up the New Blackjacks
The embalmers did a pretty good job on Heenan, except for that “attaching his hands to his ears” thing
Bullet Bob wrestling in TNA + Animal’s comeback + lack of tag teams on Raw = …no, I won’t even think about it
Verne Gagne by Greg Gagne: Did Greg come thisclose to actually admitting he sucked as a wrestler? Afraid not, but he back-pedaled anyway with that “Flair never beat me” line. As for Verne, sounds like he’s had one too many hits to the head, which would explain a great deal about what happened fifteen years ago, if you think about it. Now, those chants of “One More Match”…okay, I’ve got a suggestion. Verne versus Hogan, and Hogan can pummel the shit out of Verne for not giving him the title in 1982 like he should have. Had that happened, boy, would wrestling be different today, and that’s as drastic an understatement as you can get in this business.
If you ever wondered why the AWA died, here’s the two main reasons right here
William Perry by John Cena: Of course, everyone’s concentrating on the boos Cena got when he walked out. My people have ineffable taste, and I’ll join in the chorus for a repetition during WM. He deserves it for making John Facenda roll over in his grave.
Now, I can judge this induction better than most of you can, being a Chicagoan by birth and inclination. Are there really Fridge marks? No, not really. The marking is rolled up in the larger category of ’85 Bears Marks, of which I am one. You don’t know what it was like back in ’85 for us Chicagoans. No Chicago sports team had won a championship since prior to my birth…oh, I know that some cocksucker out there just said, “What about the ’17 White Sox?” That you, Burnside? Anyway, in ’84, they came close, and the entire season was played at a fever pitch for fans; it helped that the one real baseball team (aka The Reigning World Champions) and the one that doesn’t exist had made the playoffs recently for the first time in far too long. We were ready for a winner. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a city embrace a sports team as much as Chicago embraced the Bears, and that includes you, Bahstun. All the stars aligned perfectly. Even the Miami game wasn’t a bummer; we saw it as the necessary loss. The only disappointment was that Miami choked in the playoffs to The Team Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned. It was rather unsatisfying to see Tony Eason get those hits in Nawlins that belonged to Dan Marino. Everyone involved in that team became gods. Except for Michael, we’ve never gotten together on sports figures since. It was a unique experience, never to be repeated.
I guess what I’m saying is that I can’t view this objectively. My Inner Cynic and Inner Mark are battling at an intensity that I don’t exhibit for wrestlers anymore. I could just blow this off by saying that it was the venue, etc. But I don’t want to. For those of you who aren’t conflicted, just remember that it could have been worse. It could have been Steve McMichael.
Well, he’s big enough to hug the whole audience
Sherri Martel by Ted DiBiase: It is utterly impossible to summarize that. Everyone’s saying Speech of the Night, and I’m not arguing. Sherri may have talked herself into a regular manager’s job. You’re telling me that someone couldn’t use her? Hell, put her with London and Kendrick, have her give one “robbing the cradle” promo, and watch them become legitimate tag champs. This was the best mic job since Heyman at One-Night Stand. She’s so batshit you can’t help but love her. There’s a suspicion in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum that Sherri was well and truly plastered, but even if she was, who cares? Fuck the Drug Policy. Give her a couple of shots of vodka before going out to the ring and let her rip.
You’re telling me they can’t do anything with either of them? Here’s a suggestion: put them in a room with Daivari and Osama, and I guarantee you they’ll come out of there a thousand times better as managers.
Tony Atlas by Special Delivery Jones: Was anyone else wishing for subtitles when SD was doing his speech? Was anyone else wishing that Tony would have stopped preaching and putting out that “USA” stuff every five seconds? Not a good way to end the webcast portion of the show.
“ONE MORE JOB! ONE MORE JOB!”
As the phrase goes, more chins than a Chinese phone book
Gene Okerlund by Hulk Hogan: Fleabag and I had a bit of an argument when we talked on Saturday afternoon. He said that the network portion of the show would be all Bret and Eddy. I said no, that it’d be Overrated, Eddy, and Okerlund. He was surprised at that assertion:
“Okerlund? Why him on the show? Why not on the webcast? That’s where he belongs.”
“Becaue of who’s inducting him.”
“Who’s inducting him?”
“Hogan.”
“So what?”
“You really think that Hogan’s not going to appear on the TV portion? It’s f*ckin’ Hogan. Of course he’ll be on the TV portion.”
With that, Flea gave in and understood what I was getting at. Of course, he was his usual three sheets to the wind by that point, otherwise he would have realized right away what I was getting at.
You know, Mean Gene, it’s taken over two decades, but Terry Bollea has finally figured out how to synthesize his wrestling persona with his external existence. He was more human introducing Okerlund than I’d ever seen him, and that includes last year at his induction. If he’d been able to do this in the late 80s…well, he wouldn’t have let his ego trample over everything, he wouldn’t have been thrown out of WWF, he wouldn’t have run roughshod over WCW, and maybe, just maybe, he would have recognized that there was a better ending at Starrcade ’97 and the decline of WCW could have been arrested. No, let me rephrase that. It WOULD have been arrested, because Hogan was the storm petrel for all the rest of the out-of-control egos in that locker room. You know, maybe doing that WCW feature got me too nostalgic.
Anyone else hoping that Gene was going to pimp the Hotline?…damn, there’s that nostalgia thing again.
Not a bad speech. Not memorable by Okerlund standards, though. He could have done better.
No, the cummerbund goes around the waist, not the head
Makes you weep when you think what we have backstage today, doesn’t it?
Just a reminder that Brokeback Mountain comes out Tuesday on DVD
Eddy Guerrero by Our Lord and Savior, Chavito, and Rey-Rey: Well, “maudlin” certainly fits. Rey-Rey really didn’t help the situation. Shatner never paused as much as he did. It seems like he has perfect flow in matches, but not in conversation. It didn’t look like he was about to lose it, so I have no idea why he suddenly forgot he’s from San Diego and can speak perfect English. God, that bored me.
Why Wrestlers Should Not Choose Their Own Wardrobes, Exhibits One and Two (to the left and right of Chavito)
Let’s examine their WWE careers, shall we? From left to right: never allowed in, Gobbledygooker, fired for being a jerk. Hey, just being honest here.
Overrated by Wife-Beater: Yeah, the moment I was f*cking waiting for. Screw both of them. I pretty much skipped over it and didn’t even bother stopping to get a screen cap. Besides, if you cocksuckers want a screen cap of Overrated, I’ll get one when he does the run-in during the Shawn/Vince match at WM. Red and white hankie on the left, though? What does that translate to? Takes fists up the ass, but only by virgins?
Enjoy Wrestlemania, unless you’re like me, in which case, hope for lots of idiotic moments so that you can REALLY enjoy yourselves.
