…ARE YOU READY…
…WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN…
…IT IS THE RIGHT TIME FOR…
…I CAN DO LIKE 30 MORE OF THESE…
…ONE MORE…
…I PROMISE…
R A B B L E M A N I A
Joining us here tonight is a winding crew of people. Now though is Eric, Bill, Michael, Jenna, Hernandez, Michael, Jeffrey, Mighty Mike, Ginny, Dani, Simon, Jimmy, Val, Mikey, and Nina.
Singing America The Beautiful – Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child…
“As soon as she’s done she’s going to get chokeslammed…” – Michael
“Beyonce should do it” – Dani
Opening package starts with Hogan and Andre
Shawn as champ
Austin as champ.
Hogan and Mr. T
Piper and Mr. T
Bobby Heenan
Bret Hart
Legion of Doom
The Rock
Sgt. Slaughter
Warrior
Steamboat
Eddie
Awww….
IT’S BIGTIME —
“MY hands are getting bigger!” – Me
“Par for the course, five minutes in – no wrestling.” – Hernandez
We’re live and a light show goes right up the ramp with a building montage right at the walkthrough.
“Aww the fireworks lit Eddie’s picture..” – Me
We’re here with JR talking – and opening the match is going to start with—
CARRRRLITO! Who does a prat fall rolling into the ring
“What was that?” – Hernandez
“The meds kicked in” – Michael
“The Shockmaster opener…” – ME
And now……….
“SO EARLY IN THE NIGHT…..” – Bill
“Is this the music from the Terminator” – Michael
“POWWDERRREDDDD TOAASSSTTT MAAAAAN” – Bill
And the front door opens and 6 more people show up.
Thank god they are here… because it’s time for the BigKane!
Good choice to rile up the crowd…
“Are we to believe that Masters and Carlito are going to win this?” – Dani
“..no.. no we are not…” – Me
“Kane’s pyro goes off and gas prices go up” – Bill
Masters to the ropes – Kane pushing him there – shoulderblock drops Kane and then another toss sends Masters into the ropes again and a dropkick from Kane! Tag to Big Show….
A couple of shush-chops from Big Show.
“Masters is wearing caveman velour” – Michael
Masters gets a thumb to the eye of Show and runs to tag Carlito, who comes in and starts to twist Show’s arm meaninglessly – then gets dropped nuts first onto the ropes. Shaken, not stirred. Masters comes in and hits Show
“..OOOooo YOU again!?” – Bill
“Now he’s got matching crushed velour kneecaps.” – Michael
Masters gets pressslammed out of the ring.
Carlito gets pressed onto Masters.
Kane climbs to the top turnbuckle.
“CUE THE PYRO!?” – Bill
“Ohhh Kane don’t do that” – Dani
Full leap onto both of em….. and after a long hold pause – the suck factor get into the ring and out of NOWHERE droptoehold from Carlito to Show into the corner.. then a doubleteam face slam. We’re then showed an earlier time where Carlito removed the top turnbuckle piece…. so that HURT Show.
So they go for the double suplex – but it is reversed into a double suplex by Show…
“That was like doozers lifting up the trash heap…” – Michaels
“A Fraggle Rock reference??!?!?!” – Jeffrey
He crawls and tags Kane – and Kane begins to decimate left and right – until finally Kane is on the top rope – leaps and is caught in for the Fullnelson… Show runs in and BOOTS Masters in the face. Carlito charges in and sends Show out of the ring… Kane turns around and goes for the doublechoke – denied – Masters charges off the top rope
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: THE BIG KANE!
“Everytime someone loses their banner should fall off the top..” – Dani
And now in the ring – Carlito and Masters argue…
Shocker.
Now Coach in the back.
“Coach not winning the Dapper Dave award…” – Dani
He’s talking with Shawn Michaels.
“I’ve heard, Mister Michaels, that you have the moves that really move them?” – Michael
“Yes, you are in fact sending chills up and down my spine…” – Me
Michaels announces he’s bringing us to a time we haven’t seen in a long time.
“10,000,000 BC” – Dani
“YEAR ONE! YOUR MESSIAH!” – Jeffrey
Now though it’s time for the Money In The Bank Match.
“Because Michaels & McMahon MUST be later than this!” – Me
MATT FACT?
“He hasn’t competed at all since last Wrestlemania?” – Me
“He works at Blimpies” – Michael
Shelton Benjamin!
Fit Finley!
“I’ve heard he’s pretty badass..” – Me
“Look at him, he better.” – Mikey
RVD!
“High odds on the winner” – Hernandez
Bobby Lashley!
Bill?
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – Bill
“WAIT!? CAN HE GET UP THE LADDER!??!” – Dani
..that’s right..
RIC FLAIR!
“I’ve spent more on bartabs than you’ll make in your entire life” – Mikey
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Can we get Flair an escalator
This should be good….
And the match starts
“Ironically Fit Finley is taken out by an Irish Whip” – Michael
So now Shelty is in the ring alone.. I blinked and missed everything that happened. So in comes Matt Hardy and RVD dropkicks through the bottom rope ladder to the face – then a plancha right onto Hardy – and… yeah, ouch.
Shelton in the ring now with Fit Finley – setting it up diagnal on the ropes…. he RUNS UP IT… MOONSAULT ONTO THE MESS OF PEOPLE! FANFUCKINGTASTIC! HARDY, RVD, LASHLEY.. DONE!
In the ring Flair with Fit Finley..
“Now we have 150 years of wrestling in ring.. right now.”
Ric climbs the ladder and reaches for the belt, little too far – Hardy runs up the ladder.
“Oh no… love your elders…” – Dani
Hardy big suplexes Flair out – and well yeah, Flair is out! The ref’s make the X symbol and Flair gets lead out.
“Hurt.. HE’S DEAD!” – Michael
So in the ring – RVD facedrops Shelty down and then a rolling thunder… both men in pain. Now Lashley climbs up to the top and stops right before the last step.
“He forgot how to do it.” – MIchael
Shelty climbs up! HE LEAPS OVER LASHLEY AND TRIES TO POWERBOMB HIM! GOOD GOD DAMN!
He can’t get him down – so everyone charges over and HELPSS with it and Lashley’s out…
“Flair’s still winning it” – Me
“He’s coming out with a jetpack on..” – Mighty Mike
So Finley goes and begins to clear out EVERYONE! Faceslams and death to all wrestlers – and as Finley is just setting up the ladder in the ring – HERE COMES FLAIR!
HE TOSSES FINLEY – Hardy runs in and Flair chops him down. Lashley comes in – chopped down! He’s climbing!!!!!!!!!! HE’S ALMOST THERE! Here comes Finley!
“SHELALIGHIE!” – Hernandez
He does in fact get the Shelaighlie – and Flair falls back. Finley’s almost got it, but it’s swinging too hard…. and Benjamin charges in with a ladder!
“He used a ladder to hit a ladder – that’s lateral thinking!” – Bill
– up the ladder and tosses Finley… Up runs Lashley – and HITS THE FRONT FACE POWERBOMB on SHELTY! Lashley comes in and out of nowhere – VAN TERMINATOR TOP ROPE TO LASHLEY! GOOD CHRIST EVERYONE’S DEAD!
Here comes Hardy sets the ladder up in the corner and hits a top rope legdrop onto Lashley.
“Pffft Jeff would have done a flip” – Dani
He sets it up in midring and here comes Finley – up the ladder and a top rope SIDE EFFECT! They are both hurting…. but wait.. who is that/…
RVD AT THE TOP OF THE LADDER IN THE CORNER – THUMBS UP AND Five Star onto Finley! RVD stumbles around now trying to set it up.
“He has the powers of Dragons” – Dani
“RUN! YOUR STASH IS IN THERE!” – Hernandez
Shelton literally planchas top rope onto the ladder! And there is a fight with RVD – Hardy sets up another ladder next and Shelton hops onto that one to hit Hardy…
“BAMF!” – Bill
“And Matt Hardy is decapitated!” – Mighty Mike
RVD pushes them both OUT OF THE RING! GRABS IT! FALLS! OUCH!
“…way to break an elbow!” – Michael
WINNER: ROB VAN FUCKING DAM!
An amazing amazing match and that is your Wrestlemania Moment of the year…
Jamie is off on a smoke break, but at the moment he is missing Mr Dave Batista, who is definetly winning the dapper dave suit award for the night. There was much rejoicing from this wrestling fan. -Dapper Dani
And now they make mention of Bret not coming out – but here come our inductees to Hall of Fame.
MEAN GENE
SENSATIONAL SHERRI – With Ted Dibiase
TONY “Danza” – Michael ATLAS
“Saba Simba!” – Me
VERNE GAGNE
WILLIAM PERRY
THE BLACKJACKS
“MARIA! Sorry…. wait.. no I’m not.” – Me
EDDIE GUERRERO – Accepted by his wife and Chavo
“Chavo gets a Dapper Dave suit award” – Dani
The Blackjacks run in and raise her hands… it’s really touching actually.
Now though – another match!
The entire entrance ramp RISES UP! Here comes JBL’s Limo, underneath it…
“Ok, lower it!” – Eric
He comes out with some bimbo blonde.
“Who is that?” – Dani
“Breasts… with a hat.” – Me
“Nonono.. whose the girl?” – Mighty Mike
Now is our United States Champion – CHRIS BENOIT!
Fisties fisties fisties…
Bell rings and JBL starts with the fist to fist with Benoit – a kick from JBL right into a sidelock. Takes it to a knee and Benoit gets to his feet – pushes JBL to the ropes. Shoulderblock drops Chris. Cross rope and a droptoe hold from JBL RIGHT into getting into the crossface.
He can’t get it locked in so he punches him in the head… big headbutts to try and get it.
“He’s just being mean!” – Hernandez
“An INDIAN burn!” – Michael
JBL tries to elbow back out of it, but Benoit with a bunch of donkey punches. They get to their feet and a chop to JBL in the corner.
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: It’s still real to me – DAMMIT!
Benoit drops JBL and tries to set-up for a sharpshooter.
“He knows that because he’s Canadian” – Mikey
JBL pushes out of it and they head to the outside and JBL hits some clubbing blows. JBL throws him back in and more clubbing blows to Benoit’s back. Boot to his face. Throws Chris to the corner – charges – moves – and the triple germans!
Benoit makes the throat signal.
“I CUT MYSELF SHAVING” – Michael
JBL leaps to the rope and hits it to drop Chris nuts – makes some Eddie taunts and a big superplex.
“Oddly enough – not a big crowd reaction” – Michael
He drops the superplex – pin for two. JBL keeps doing the Eddie taunt…
“Stop that.. it’s disgusting” – Hernandez
“He’s trying to get a reaction from the crowd” – Eric
“Yeah, but they are going ‘stop that, it’s disgusting!” – Me
“Looks like he’s shaking a milk dud out of pants” – Michael
JBL goes for the THREE AMIGOS suplex – and that kills all heat in the match and a pintime gets two. Big headlock by JBL now – and the crowd starts to get behind Benoit… using a nerve hold too. Benoit FINALLY gets up to his feet and a belly to back suplex.
Now Benoit hits the Three Amigos suplex.
“FARRRRLEY FURRRLEY FURRRLEY” – Jeffrey
“YOU SHOT THE INVISIBLE SWORDSMAN!” – Me
Benoit hits the top rope – flying headbutt…
“I heard a crack what was that?” – Hernandez
“His neck.” – Michael
“Another tooth.” – Bill
Pin only gets two – and they both get to their feet… Benoit charges into the corner, JBL moves but Benoit gets in and grabs him by the waist – JBL grabs the ref…. Benoit FINALLY hits the crossface!
“CRIPCROSS CRIP CRIP!” – Michael
“CROPLESS CHRISFACE” – Me
“Grabbed him by the ponytits!” – Michael
“LOCK CHRIS CRIP FACE” – Bill
“…we’re just gonna call it the Nipple Apple Crap” – Michael
JBL rolls it over – grabs the top rope – he’s on Benoit’s chest…… ONE
TWO
THREE
THAT’S IT!
WINNER: JBL
We get the set-up for Edge/Mick…
“His kids going to college?” – Jeffrey
So here we go! Hardcore match time – and they bring in Joey Styles, good times.
“I love watching Mick wrestle” – Jeffrey
“Mick doesn’t wrestle…” – Hernandez
“Fine.. I love watching Mick bleed…” – Jeffrey
So here comes Edge – wearing a vest and Lita… wearing a matching vest.
“He looks like his own action figure…” – Me
He comes out with a baseball bat. ..ooo…
And here comes Mick wearing a new flannel!
“What is he weighting in at?” – Jeffrey
“..all of it..” – Me
HAAAARDC0000r3333333
So the bell rings and Mick goes in drops him to the face – trees of woe to Edge and then runs up drops an elbow.
“MICK TRIES TO DECAFFINATE EDGE” – Joey Styles
“That’s right Joey, he’s going to make him sleepy…” – Me
So Edge rolls out and rolls in with some cookiesheets and signs and Mick starts to eat some aluminum. A few KWANGS and the big man is down. He sets a sign on his face and DROPKICK!
“Hey Edge… that sign said.. YIELD!” – Bill
Edge charges in and SPEARS Mick…. but Mick’s hurt! And Mick rips off his flannel, and he’s wearing Cactus Jack gear and is wearing WEARING A BARBED WIRE BELT! GOOD GOD! Edge’s arm is bleeding out of the tattoo….
“Edge is going, what happened to Matt Hardy???” – Bill
So Mick now begins to WHIP Edge with it! He heads outside and pulls a barbed wire bat from UNDER THE STAIRS!
“He’s peppered the audience with them… there’s a nail file in someone’s hotdog” – Me
Lita leaps onto Mick’s back – and Mick in facts runs, clotheslines Edge over the top rope and he, Lita, AND Edge all go out of the ring with a scream of ‘Bang Bang!’ – so he goes for the first pin. He drops Edge onto the stairs – and as he charges into Edge (who is against the stairs) he gets hiptossed RIGHT INTO THE STEPS! Nice.
Edge now throws Mick into the stairs… and Edge now pulls out a table, and throws Mick onto it… as Edge crawls up to the top turnbuckle, Mick moves out of the way and they begin to fight up the ramp – strange teased table spot. Edge SLAMS Mick’s head to the audience.
“Ooo there goes 3rd grade.” – Bill
Edge goes and grabs a bottle of lighter fluid!!! He sprays it all over Mick’s back – but Mick hits the back elbow…..
“OOooo oh no.” – Dani
So now Mick hits a piledriver! Nice. Sets Edge’s face on a cookiesheet and just as he’s about to grab a chair – Lita charges in – sees the chair – runs out! Edge though grabs Mick and DDT’s him to the chair and now Edge has the barbed wire bat…. and Mick starts to bleed… bulldog onto the barbed wire bat.
“…oh my god… mick foley’s bleeding….” – Jeffrey
Edge runs out and looks under Mick’s stairs… brass knucks and a bag.
“DAMIAN!” – Michael
Nope nope nope.. that’s tacks. As Edge throws the tacks down – He grabs Mick anddddd MICK RUNS UP!!!! SPINS HIM AROUND – BACK DROP AND EDGE IS TACKED! EDGE IS TACKED!
He grabs Mr. Socko and Mr. Socko gets wrapped in barbed wire! EDGE GETS IT!
Oh here comes LIta – SHE GETS IT! Shot of Lita’s lip bleeding…
“That is soooooooo hot!” – Me
Now he grabs the barbed bat and ouchie ouchie ouchie ouchie Edge is bleeding like hell and he grabs the lighter fluid.
“Convenient that table is right there..hmmmmmm????” – Me
Mick sets it up! Pouring the fluid! Here comes Lita with a big baseball bat of barbed wire – and he turns only to have Edge spear through the middle!!!! Both are down.. Both are dead… Edge crawls for the pin
WINNER: EDGE!
Good god – as Edge crawls up the ramp – he is twitching and that is not good. His eyes are bleeding.
“Mick is meanwhile signing autographs..” – Michael
Fanfrigging tastic vicious.. we knew it was going to be there, but man, that’s not cool. Both get a standing ovation.
So Booker T heads on down to his ring and there is a band of freaks along his way – including Eugene losing money to Ted DiBiase – Steve the Pirate – Snitsky licking Mae Young’s feet – finally Golddust explaining that Booker is amongst all of the freaks…. kind of a funny bit.
Now though here comes Booker T who is freaking out over his own pyro. And now comes the Boogieman…
EWwwwwwwwww
So now Sharmel starts in there with Boogieman, but Booker tags himself in and starts slamming on Boogie. They lock up and a kick to the gut to Boogie followed with a nice superkick that knocks Boogie off his feet.
“That’s ok – he’s missing his top teeth anyway..” – Hernandez
Now Booker follows up with a pin for two and chokes Boogie against the ropes and now starts pounding on his back, but he begins to Boogie up..
“Boogidy Boogidy Boo” – Jeffrey
Booker T hits the Bookend out of nowhere for two. Boogie now fights up to his feet and pushes Booker down – and it’s a kick match. Booker misses with the ax kick – and Boogie moves out of the way – throws Booker into the post shoulder first…. and here comes Boogie with a pocket full of works… a mouth full of worms.
“*singing the popeye theme*” – Jimmy
In runs Sharmel and tries to hit him, but then —
“He’s going to kiss her..” – Dani
–he kisses her… and out she goes. Boogie hits the big spinebuster – and that’s it.
WINNER: BOOGIEMAN
Yeah and have I said that for the most part – his exit is not as cool as his entrance.
“He’s Papa Shango” – Hernandez
“No.. he makes me MISS Papa Shango” – Me
We get the lead up to the Mickey James Trish match…. and here comes Mickey in a cute little pink number – and Trish? Well, Trish is wearing skintight stuff that is open in the right places… nice. Tentatively, the Rabblemania Lech Of The Night Award.
Mickey James is hot… and evil!
Mickey is lounging in the corner all hot like – and they lock up – Trish elbows her to the back of the head and continued stiff elbows. Trish then hits the Thesz Press for a batch of hits.
Now kicks to the gut from Trish – then a big chop. And Mickey goes down split legged… sweet – a dropkick to her head throws Mickey to the ground. Now on the outside Trish goes for a spinkick and kicks the ringpost. Ouch.
So now Mickey wraps Trish’s leg around the pole.
“That worked in Misery too” – Michael
Now Mickey skips her way back into the ring. Skipping evil chicks = hot.
Big slap to Mickey’s face – followed with an elbow from Trish – now back and forth and the sound goes out.
“She hit her so hard the tv went on mute” – Michael
Mickey dropkicks Trish’s knee for two. The crowd cheering for Mickey!
“It’s either Lets Go Mickey or Ho Ho Ducky.. I can’t tell” – Michael
Mickey tries to set Trish up on the ropes, but she gets kicked out – and now begins wrapping up Trish, with a halfcrab – kneeling down into it….. hawt. Yep, it got the ‘W’. She grabs Trish’s hair and slams her face down – goes and only gets two… now Mickey is working on that leg more. Kicks Trish into the corner – and wraps her leg up again – but this time STOMPS it down.
The crowd is loving the Mickey!
“This isn’t fair since I loved her since the beginning” – Bill
Trish gets the rana on Mickey out of nowhere, but the crowd is booing the hell out of Trish now!? WHAT IS GOING ON! Mickey gets counterpunched – clotheslined down – She slams down Mickey – and gets a two! The crowd cheers the two count. She throws Mickey into the corner and leaps – but Mickey hits both legs up…. catches Trish in the.. ahem.. Sternum.
Mickey climbs to the top. Trish goes for the handstand rana, but Mickey throws her off and runs in for a twocount pin. Trish rolls it up for a two count! Mickey hits the corner – and Trish grabs her – POWERBOMB FROM TRISH – TWO COUNT!
Mickey goes for her own clothesline – Trish matrix’s down – Goes for the Stratusfaction, but Mickey grabs Trish’s …. ya know… her thingy! Mickey grabs Trish now and… awww she FLUBS the Trishstratus – so she hits the chick kick.
WINNER: MICKEY JAMES!
Now McMahon with the entire family in the background who wants to lead in the first McMahon family prayer.
“They are going to burst into flames” – Michael
“GOD…. I DON’T LIKE YOU, AND YOU DON’T LIKE ME. I’VE DEFIED EVERY LAW YOU EVER HAD AND BEEN TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL. YOU AND I AREN’T CLOSE, BUT I KNOW YOU AND SHAWN ARE VERY CLOSE. SO RIGHT NOW, GOD I’M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLER… I’M SENDING SHAWN TO THE FIERY PITS OF HELL! HALLELUEIGH!” – Vince
Wow… that was kind of amusing.
Now it’s time for the monks TRYING to drag the casket through the match.
“Now ladies and gentleman… ENIGMA!” – Michael
“Are the monks the Spirit Squad?” – Dani
So here comes Mark Henry… man he’s big.
Now, the city lights on fire…
“Gas prices… still going up.” – Bill
“And this is why we fight in Iraq…” – Michael
“2.76…. 2.77…” – Bill
It’s the Undertaker.
“Or the Saint of Killers” – Dani
“…ii hate you jessie custer..” – Me
Here he comes – he is 14 and .. I mean 13 and 0. Let’s give it ten minutes.
Another way to raise up Taker’s streak…
Undertaker takes off his jacket… his hat…
“Kung Lao … Wins” – Me
Mark Henry charges in to start the match and a headbutt or two to Taker in the corner. Corner to corner they go with boots to Taker’s gut, a couple big fists. Throws Taker to the corner – and eats a boot. Then a few clotheslines won’t drop Henry, but one from Henry drops Taker.
Henry drapes Taker over the top rope and out they both go. Tries to drop Taker to the stairs, but is blocked and Henry hits him to the stairs.
“Leaving a jericurl stain on the stairs.” – Me
Back in the ring they fight to their feet – Taker at the top. Taker hits the top rope, but Henry pulls him down. Then kicks Taker in the gut a few times.
“…yeah make me believe that he’s gonna lose…” – Me
“He might lose Jamie..” – Jeffrey
“…” – Me
Henry makes them open the coffin, and as Henry tries to roll him in, denied. Henry tosses him to the ropes, but Taker FINALLY gets some advantage and clothesline – locks his arm – Oldschool arm drop. Henry is dazed, now he grabs Henry around the front – but Henry belly bounces him down… now he chokes Taker against the ropes with the casket..
Henry charges and Taker moves Henry slides in – Now both are in it…. and hey! Shocker! Hand on the throat of Henry.
“Henry has no neck!” – Hernandez
So nothing particularly happens – as they get back into the ring. Finally Taker charges Henry, leaps up – caught – and goes for a pin…. for… umm….
“When you are stupider than Kamala.. you deserve to lose.” – Jefferey
Henry now rolls Taker in – who once in gets to his feet and chokes Henry against the middle rope. Back in the ring – they fight back and forth – and really we aren’t that interested uintil Henry has Taker in the back corner – Henry climbs to the middle rope.
“The ring can take thta!?!??!” – Dani
Now Taker grabs Henry – SLAMS him down – and Taker falls to his knees…. he throws Henry out and the coffin remains closed!
“They only have ONE JOB TO DO!?!?” – Ginny
“Thaanks guyyysss” – Me
So now Taker runs up over the top – over the casket – and CLOTHESLINE! Nice!
Back in the ring – hits the tombstone piledriver – and rolls him in… that is that.
“The easiest coffin match ever!” – Michael
Taker gets some cool lightning – some cool blue light – and the monks come on down and wheel him away.
WINNER: THE UNDERTAKER (14 – 0)
Taker stands behind the druids – waiting for them to start walking…
“Guys.. come on.. I’m tired…” – Michael
So instead he walks around them and heads up to the top of the ramp. And our sound cut off…. hmmm…
The set up for Vinnie Mac and Shawn… now here they come – He’s our sexy boy.
“He’s like a Chipndale for Christ” – Jimmy
Now though it’s Vince…
“How does he remain that size?” – Dani
“..and yet Kirby Puckett dies.. where’s the justice?” – Mighty Mike
Let’s watch Vince get ripped
So Michaels charges out and the match begins with Shawn slamming Vince to the table – and a couple of chops. Vince gets thrown into the announcers and chokes the hell out of him with a wire – and the commentators are now out.
Shawn throws Vince into the ring – and Shawn grabs Vince’s magazine cover…… right over Vince’s head – EL KABONG! Vince’s head right over where his head was…
“How Acme of them” – Me
“This falls under the category of la— SPIRIT SQUAD!” – Dani
In come the SS and they attack – pile on Shawn – and four corners slam him up! Kenny hits the top rope – BIG LEG DROP – MISSED!
“He never hits that spot… poor Kenny” – Bill
“Aww they just killed Kenny” – Mighty Mike
Now in runs another with a cardboard megaphone – Shawn grabs it out of their hands and whiffs them all with it as sprinkles and dust flies out.
“That’s what Mark Henry does his coke out of” – Eric
Shawn throws out Kenny top rope – moonsault onto the other Spirit Squad, nice throw. Now though Vince is in the ring and throws Shawn to the corner and chokes the hell out of Shawn… then throws him to the center of the ring. Vince takes off his belt.
“THis ‘Your Name Is Toby Moment’ brought by…” – Michael
He whips Shawn and then belts him by the throat. Michael predicts a crucifiction moment at the end of the match… Shawn though fights to his feet and as he hits the ropes, Vince catches him and throws him down – and goes for his own Superkick…
V I N C E K M — THROWS IT and CAUGHT! Hits the ropes, shoulder, nip up!
Now Shawn with the belt!
“And Vince screaming HIT ME HARDER” – Bill
Shawn slams Vince down and goes to the top turnbuckle. HITS the flying elbow. Now we go… J E S U S— and Shane under the ropes with the kendo stick…. WHACK!
“Shane gets a Dapper Dave Suit Award!” – Dani
Shane’s got handcuffs….
“I borrowed these from Stephanie” – Bill
So now Vince is dropping his shorts.
“This is getting a bit too ‘I love you Sparticus'” – Michael
So Shane grabs Shawn – goes to throw him into Vince’s ass – but Shawn trips him and gets it instead…. Shane is in Vince’s ass – and Vince is loving it!? Ewwww – so now Shawn charges out – handcuffs Shane in
EL KABONG FROM THE CHAIR To Vince!
“And Vince takes it like… well Vince.” – Hernandez
“The folding chair of turin” – Micheal
J E S U AH AH AHhhh.. Shawn waits. Points. Vince falls to his knees… and Shawn leaves and goes under the ring.
“Comes out with a huge wooden cross” – Me
He comes out with a ladder. Slams Vince face first there…. and Vinnie is bleeding goooooood.
“Wow, Vince’s blood is burning through the ring..” – Bill
J E S U SSsssss—nope, Vince falls to his knees and pushes Vince down. Now he heads out again, comes back with some garbage cans. A table. He now waits patiently til Vince is on his feet – then a trashcan to his head…
“He just killed the spanish announce team” – Eric
“Their last words were ‘LA BASURA!’ – Bill
Shawn sets up the table, sets Vince on it. Climbs the ladder that’s set in the corner… climbs up – then climbs down to a booing of the crowd… then comes out with the… BIGGER LADDER!
“Hey Shawn – remember that back injury” – Dani
“Don’t worry – Vince is playing possum” – Eric
“He’s been trained to.” – Bill
Now Shawn takes a moment to beat the hell out of Vince and puts him IN a trashcan as Shawn begins to climb the ladder.
“Oscar the Grouch going ‘WHAT THE FUCK'” – Bill
Now Shawn at the top – and he throws the DX CHOPS! HE HITS THE BIG BIG BIG ELBOW! Vince seems STUCK in the ladder. The medical staff is watching around the ring.. the real ones.. with the gloves…. Shawn tells them not to come in the ring.
“Oookay, fine, we won’t” – Me
Shawn gives Shane a DX chop. Sweeeet! He pulls up Vince – screams out him that he’s going to knock his teeth down his throat… Then pulls back HUGE SUPERKICK HUGE SUPERKICK HUGE SUPERKICK!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS
Michael and Bill sings along with Shawn’s theme… and as Vince is driven up the ramp, all we see is Vince’s middle finger…. too sweet. Too f’n sweet. Dani makes a point to let us know that Vince is a millionaire….
It’s time for the triple threat set-up…
“Doesn’t Mexican actually translate to ‘Little Flippy Dude’ – Dani
“Yes, when you take it down from the original Latin” – Hernandez
POD is playing out Rey Rey’s theme…. which apparently is to do Rey’s themesong.
He shoots up… then leaves.
“THANK YOU – GOOD NIGHT!” – Hernandez
“SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!” – Me
So Rey is wearing some Aztek headdress.. strange as he heads from the back.
“He’s Hawkman!” – Hernandez
“He’s Quetzcoatl Nino” – Bill
“If he was really Aztek he’d sacrifice a woman on the way in..” – Jimmy
“What do you think he did on his way around to get to the ring..” – Hernandez
So Orton comes down as Dani discusses how she wants it to rain fire during our wedding.
And now a remix of Kurt’s theme… and he gets a HUGE pop.
“ONE FISH…
TWO FISH….
RED FISH….
BLUE FISH…” – Everyone
“I thought you were going to change it Michael?” – Dani
“I tried – I couldn’t throw them off this.. I tried
KNOCK KNOCK
WHO’S THERE…
It just didn’t take.” – Michael
And so the bell rings as Randy THROWS Kurt out of the ring – Rey hits the ropes, slides underneath Randy – hits the corner leaps to Orton, but gets dropkicked by Ortn.
“He’s like diet Dave” – Dani
So in runs Kurt and a rolling German – but he blocks the second.. in runs Rey and it’s three people set up for a german and they all get thrown hard.. Rey flies across the ring – and a backdrop from Kurt to Randy – Kurt sets Randy to the top turnbuckle, but Rey drop toeholds Kurt into Randy’s nuts… Rey charges in and leaps over Kurt into Randy – Hurricanrana! Hernandez called that move for move – it was quite fantastic.
Then Rey hits a baseball slide out of the ring. Okay.. as a note – at this point in time there is a bunch of really hot spots that I can’t really keep track of until now Rey is in the ring with Kurt and he gets a big kick to Kurt’s head for a two count. Finally they pause.
“Just put a link to the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, they’ll figure it out” – Michael
Rey Rey gets a flying headscissors on Kurt, sets up for the 619….. It’s CAUGHT! Into the Ankle Lock! In come Randy with a chair……… so the ref doesn’t watch as Rey taps out! Kurt grabs it again though and Randy hits Kurt in the back of the head stopping it…
Now Randy and Kurt are puch for punch and a german suplex from Kurt to Orton – then another to Rey, where Rey lands face first.. fantastic. Then Kurt clotheslines Orton… then Olympic Slams Rey to the outside! He puts Randy into the Ankle Lock – and Rey grabs the ref as Randy starts tapping!!!!
So Kurt throws it on again – and Rey leaps top rope onto Kurt for a two count.
Kurt throws Rey into the metal pole…. He throws Kurt into the Angle Slam – denied! RKO to Angle… HE GETS A TWO COUNT! SO CLOSE!
This match is amazing.
Randy is limping around the ring now with Angle laid out in the ring. Angle runs to the corner quick – and belly to belly – so now Kurt is in the corner – Rey goes for a 619 outside the ring to Kurt’s face, denies, but still hits a huge high kick – then hits a West Coast Pop and a backbridge for two.
Now Randy runs in – kicks Kurt out of the ring to give Angle some time to recooperate….. Randy hits the high angle standing neckbreaker of doom for two on Rey Rey. Now he’s sizing up Rey Rey…. Rey is crawling. Angle runs in though – hits the Angle Slam on Randy for TWO!
Angle sizing up Rey – goes for the Angleslam – Rey flips it into the armdrag!
DROPKICK TO ORTON!
Randy hits the ropes…. Rey hits the 619! Rey switches it INTO THE PIN!
ONE
TWO
THREE
Kurt tries to stop it at the very end… but he did it!
WINNER: REY MYSTERIO!!!!!!!!
And a weird moment as they show Dominick in the audience.. but now Chavo and Eddie’s wife meet him at the top of the key…. and Rey is crying like an SOB… Fantastic.
And now… because really this deserves to go after that…
candice vs. torrie
Hey the dog is wearing a tuxedo…
Yeah so they start off and fight onto the bed… and both are wearing evening gowns… really poofy ones. Torrie hits a suplex. Backbody drops Candice to the bed, then turns the bed over and stomps Candice.. or at least near Candice.
She then uses the dog on Candice.. no.. I’m not kidding.
Torrie removes Candice dress… oooo she’s wearing yellow. Yellow!??! Charges Candice who is in the corner and eats a boot.. Candice then hits a tarantula… then…
“oo wow she spins in a circle…” – Dani
In the ring Candice now throws Torrie to the mat, snapmare into the bed. Candice now throws Torrie on the bed and grabs scissors from under the bed. She then cuts the dress from her.
“She’s grabbing Chloroform..” – Me
So the crowd is bored as Candice charges Torrie again – I blink a few times – talk to someone who is hanging – and out of nowhere Torrie has won. Color me enthused.
WINNER: TORIE
So now it’s time for Triple H’s new entrance… ths King with the Skull… His new Motorhead song… which is pretty hot.
Now Trips – rises up on a throne, wearing the crown….. and furs
“So Conan what is the meaning of life?” – Mikey
“To hear the lamentation of the women…” – Michael
Now they chage it up to Play The Game – and Trips is wearing the Iron Cross.. a big necklace and a belt…
“HE’S WEARING A CUMBERBUND!” – Me
“When did he become KWANG” – Jefferey
THE BEN MORSE PREDICTION: RVD grabs it tonight!
Now it’s time for Cena’s new entrance…. which seems to have to do the Great Depression…. And it ends with the Gangst(ah)ers.
“Science and Industry…” – Me
“And a PHD in Thuganomics…” – Michael
Now Cena comes down with Gangsters in an old style car with Tommy Guns… this is totally hot… seriously. I swear I like it. And now they hit Cena’s music to the booooos of the crowd.
Cena comes on down in a black hat and trenchcoat
“Hot? He looks like a flasher” – Michael
“He looks like a midget in big boy clothes” – Dani
So he’s wielding Tommy Gun shoots off…..
“Owen Hart drops..” – Hernandez
JOHN CENA vs. TRIPLE H
Medieval Times vs. The Untouchable
Lillian gives both men their full titles – and Cena gets a bigger boo than Trips.
“And this is our Wrestlemania 20 Replay” – Me
They circle…. and the lock up. Side headlock – reversal to drop toe hold from Trips. They are locking up and a wristlock and Trips throws Cena to the corner.
We can’t hear the crowd, but they are chanting… oh wait… and now we get it it’s..
“FUCK YOU CENA!” – THE CROWD
“They love him” – Hernandez
They lock up again….. Whips Cena to the corner and a back elbow from Trips. Trips punches Cena hard into the ropes.
“They hate Cena more than I do” – Dani
The crowd is now chanting for Triple H…. and now another lock up, and he just tosses Trips right out of the ring. As Trips starts to listen to the crowds, Cena runs in and big fists to Trips and european elbows… Back body drop to Trips for a two count.
Big toss to the corner again. Back and forth he throws him. Kick to Trips guts and a fisherman’s suplex for two – right into the headlock. Trips goes to hit Cena, blocked and Cena returns it and we’re back to the throwing corner to corner and John tosses him right out of the ring leaving Cena alone in the ring. John heads out after him and Cena thumbs him in the eye.
Now both men fight down towards the walk way, Trips goes for a suplex – but Cena turns it into the backdrop right onto the steel entrance.
“The King of.. OW!” – Bill
Cena rolls in the ring, then out – grabs Hunter and throws him in…. pin for one! Now Cena punches him they go back and forth Cena hits the ropes and eats Triple H’s knee.
“MAIN EVENT HIGH KNEE!” – Hernandez
“..and somewhere Booty Man cheers on.” – Me
Trips now chokes out Cena. Heads to the outside and elbows Cena to the head. Tosses Cena into the stairs. Hits Cena to the face and gets thrown in.
“I could do with a medical check up on Edge now..” – Michael
Trips hits a suplex on Cena…. the knee drop. Pin for two.
“THAT’S IT ANNNND GOOD NIGHT!” – Hernandez
(Michael, Bill and I all say ‘THE ARISTOCRATS’ at once)
So Trips hits a facebuster, follows up with a clothesline from hell for two. Neckbreaker from Trips again for two. Now Hunter tries to kick him… but he ends up getting a rolling neckbreaker for two – a headlock from Trips now.
“No Hunter.. there’s no pez in there..” – Eric
“He’s turning him into Arseface” – Bill
Now Trips throws Cena into the sleeper.
“The Main Event sleeper” – Eric
Cena is now dropping… much like most of the crowd. Cena slides to the mat.
“(as JR) He’s got him in the patella”- Bill
Cena now tries to reach for the ropes.
“He’s turning it into a crossface fluffernut” – Michael
“Now into a Ticklerish Slimehorn” – Bill
Cena gets to his feet.. SLOOWWWWLLLYYYYY…. shoulderblocks into Trips – then tries for a third to get booted. Trips hits the ropes, and Cena throws his own huge clothesline… both are down. Triple H lifts Cena and now they go fist to fist.. hey something new…
“ORTON DESTINY CHAMP” – Bill & Eric
“SOON TO BE!” – Eric & Bill
So now Cena is throwing clothesline over and over… big powerslam.
“Someone set us up the bomb” – Michael
“All ships are preparing the zig” – Me
“All your base is belong to us” – Dani
So he hits the spinning sideslam, and he goes for the punch…. he can’t see Trips apparently, so as he hits the ropes, he can’t see Trips stand up and hit the big spinebuster. Cena gets to his feet and somehow hits two shoulderblocks – A third time, Trips hits the sleeper – but it gets turned into a facebuster again – hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle
“He does it quick so he doesn’t get hit with a spinebuster again.. – Bill
“LAAAAAME” – Dani
So he pumps his shoes, turns around and Trips is there, but eats a drop toe hold into the STFU, but Trips hits the ropes. Cena steps back… sizes up Trips…
Cena gets TOSSED into the corner – into the ref. Trips conveniently nutshots both of them… Then he does another DX Chop!!!! Gods that’s neat.
So now he gets a hammer..
“Thor’s Hammer Mjlonir” – Eric
Sledgehammer right into Cena’s head… goes for the pin, and the ref gets there in time for Cena gets two.
“And the crowd is surprised” – Michael
Trips gets another pin attempt for two.
“TAKE A DUMP ON HIM” – Bill
“Ewwwww” – Val
“You’re right.. that’s just gross” – Bill
Trips goes for the Pedigree… Cena drops him, and hits the FU!!!!
ONE
TWO
NO!
Cena is confused.
“In the back, they are still figuring this out” – Dani
Cena now climbs to the top….
“What are you doing?” – Hernandez
“Losing” – Bill
Cena flies for a flying crossbody…. MISSES! Trips puts him in the Pedigree… but Cena drops, and throws him in the STFU…. Trips is down ONCE…. TWICE…. and NOOOOo
“Shake it.. Shake it like a polorioid picture” – Michael
Trips fights for the rope.. fights…
..AND THEN TAPS!!!!
..TRIPS HAS TAPPED!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
The crowd is booing the shit out of him, but we can’t hear it over his music and Cena stands there, and Dani comments that looks like a man who is just upset that nobody is cheering for him at all.
Wow.
And now as we go to the video package… let’s find out what the Rabblemania feels about it.
“Not baaad.. surprised about the ending” – Mighty Mike
“Full of surprises – liked most of it – awesome” – Nina
“Much better than I thought it was going to be..
it was no Wrestlemania 10″ – Mikey
“Aside from the Playboy match, it was awesome” – Simon
“One of the best PPV’s I’ve seen in a long time, even the woman’s match was great.
Only disappointing thing, was the pillow match.” – Jeffrey
“Pleasantly surprised.” – Ginny
“I understand Rey Mysterio, but WHY Cena” – Jenna
Whom I formerly apologize for almost missing as she was sitting behind my computer.
“It was awesome, the build up was good.. great show.” – Bill
“I was impressed.” – Eric
“Between the titties and the Rey Rey, it was pretty good.” – Jimmy
“Rey Rey was between the titties?” – Hernandez
“…there lies the promised land” – Michael
“I would have been a much better coffin bearer” – Val
“This was the first PPV in awhile that lived up to it’s hype” – Michael
“Outstanding… totally called RVD winning” – Hernandez
“It must have been pretty good. I actually watched it. I think I now like Cena, because I felt bad. I also have respect for Edge. Yay Spirit Squad.” – Dani
“okay, thanks…” – Me
“But you didn’t mention Dapper Dave?” – Dani
“But… you’ve already taken two lines…” – Me
“But I have sex with you…” – Dani
“..fine..” – Me
“Yay Dapper Dave” – Dani
And now – the final opinion?
Thumbs up! This proves that WWE can in fact pull it out when they want to.
As a note – as this is the big show of the year, I think that it’s justified that I quickly say a thank you to everyone over the past year who has written the Monday Night Rabble, Penny, Wan, and the countless others who have supported this attempt to be the most different report on the Internet.
As a note – I mean to do the last two Wan files, but given how long this damn show was, and all of the great commentary, went way too long.
Anyway – thanks again – and have a great night.
