Wrestlemania. The Grand Daddy of them all. The Superbowl, Final 4, and World Series of professional wrestling. The pinnacle of sports entertainment. It loves it when you call it Big Poppa. It was on last night, and it was, not to exaggerate, the greatest experience of my life. I came three times.
WRESTLEMANIA JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Michelle Williams kicked things off by singing America the Beautiful. Many of you may know Michelle Williams from the background of all Destiny’s Child videos. She hit a couple of flat notes, which perfectly matched her tits.
Jim Ross welcomed us to the show as he had replaced Joey Styles for the evening. Read all about it in the hate filled, venomous book Joey Styles is going to write two years from now.
Kane and the Big Show fought Carlito and Chris Masters in the opener. I was with a few friends and I thought they provided some great play by play. I transcribed it for you. To protect their identities, I’m only using their initials.
Josh: Wow! I thought they’d go with JBL vs. Benoit for the opener.
GW: Please, let me go. I won’t tell anyone.
EM: We won’t tell anyone, I swear.
Josh: HA! Man, this is going to be awesome. Everyone is predicting a title change, but I don’t think they’d open the show like that.
GW: Please. I’m so hungry. I miss my family.
Josh: Am I going to have to turn the hose on again?
EM: No! No more hose! I’ll do whatever you want.
GW: Carla isn’t moving. Oh God, Carla isn’t moving.
Josh: I can’t believe that Big Show is playing the face in peril.
GW: Carla?
EM: No. It’s a dream. I’m going to wake up. No.
Josh: Kane is kicking both their asses!
GW: Carla, blink if you can hear me!
EM: It’s a dream! IT’S A DREAM!
Josh: Kane rocked that shit! That’s why Kane is awesome!
GW: CARLA? NO! NO!
EM: DREAMING! DREAMING!
Josh: Not the best opener, but hey, they can’t all be five star PUT DOWN THE CELL PHONE YOU CUN…
The tape recorder goes off after that. I think it broke on some bitch’s head.
STAR RATING- *1/2. Would have been 2 stars but we all need to conserve in this time of war.
Coach interviewed Shawn Michaels, and he said he was reversing roles with Vince McMahon tonight. So Shawn marginalized the cruiserweights while Vince put on gay Jesus chaps.
Money in the Bank was next! Ric Flair was injured early on a Matt Hardy suplex off the ladder, but Ric Flair somehow summoned the courage to return from the back and compete. It would be a losing battle against impossible odds. Every time he would come close to attaining victory, he would once again fall down the ladder and his pain would just worsen making it even harder to climb up again. Yet climb up again he would, part of him needing to know that he was climbing up just to once again get knocked down. Mr. Flair, welcome to Matt Hardy’s LIFE.
Fit Finley was very impressive despite not taking any big bumps. That’s completely understandable as the WWE wouldn’t want to risk their rising young stars.
Shelton Benjamin was the stand out of the match, involved in most of the big spots, including a really cool one where he jumped off the top rope and landed perfectly at the top of a ladder and then beat the crap out of RVD. Shelton is slowly becoming one of the best wrestlers in the world, meaning that he’ll have a three month title reign five years from now when he defeats Carlito. He will then drop the title to Triple H.
RVD won when he knocked Benjamin and Hardy off a ladder and grabbed the briefcase. If you watch the video, you can see Hardy hit his head and neck on the ring apron. Rob celebrated his victory as Johnny Ace slid Hardy into a pauper’s grave and walked away whistling.
STAR RATING- ****1/2. My match of the night. A great showing from all six men, and it didn’t even bother me that two of them are gay in real life. We all know which two.
Josh Matthews interviewed Mean Gene about the Hall of Fame, but Mean Gene was interrupted by Randy Orton. In a cool bit, just as Orton was about to insult Gene, Gene basically told Randy to go f*ck himself and walked off. Orton wept.
Orton was talking about what hot shit he was when Batista tapped him on the shoulder. “Whoever wins tonight is just holding my title for me. Thanks to some new policies I might be coming back to Smackdown at 175 pounds, but by that time you’ll be 150 and I’ll still be a monster.”
Howard Finkle introduced the Hall of Fame class minus Bret Hart, who did not feel comfortable appearing at Wrestlemania. I’m glad. It’s called Wrestlemania, not Wrestlemoania. HA! Up high, people! No?
Vicki Guerrero got a standing ovation and hugs from Sensational Sherri and both Blackjacks. I would have hugged her too but she won’t let me comfort her, and I’m not going back to prison for trying to be nice to a widow. If she didn’t like the indoor pool I broke into her house to dig in her basement, fine, I can take a hint.
By the way, Bret Hart is living in Italy with his new wife, and one of his kids looked SO pissed when Bret brought her up and didn’t thank his children (at least in the televised version). I guess Ms. Blowjob Italy is more important than your seed and heirs, you selfish jerk. Bret screwed Bret’s kids.
JBL faced Benoit in what was sure to be an okayish match. At one point JBL did the Eddie shake and hit the three amigos. Then Benoit did the Eddie shake and hit the three amigos. The three Spanish friends sitting in the front row were then taken to the hospital.
JBL won when he rolled through the crossface and grabbed a rope for the pin. Man, if Angle loses that would mean that this might be the first Wrestlemania in a long time where no one taps out. I mean, unless Hunter taps to John Cena’s dreaded STF. HA! HAHAHAHA! Yeah, that’ll happen in a billion years.
STAR RATING- **1/2. This is going to shock most of you, but I like JBL now. Remember when I, when most of us hated him? He called us fags who hated him because we were jealous. My liking him now should be the absolute proof that we hated him because he SUCKED, and now we like him because he is entertaining. It’s too bad he’s peaked now that we like him, but screw that guy.
Jim Ross introduced Joey Styles as an expert in Hardcore matches. Joey replied, “Thanks. I’m honored to have been crapped on for months and now to have my life’s work marginalized.”
Edge came out with Lita for his match against Foley. They were wearing matching outfits, and Lita looks so much like a dude that I wouldn’t have been able to tell them apart if not for the red hair. Matt, send Edge some flowers as a thank you. Wait, I forgot, Matt Hardy died in the Money in the Bank match. I guess Edge wins that feud.
Mick came out and in a matter of minutes Edge speared Mick Foley. However, Edge was badly hurt while Mick was okay. Mick took off his over shirt to show that he was wrapped in barbed wire. Brilliant!
Big spots were…
Wait a second. Wouldn’t a spear just knock the barbed wire into Foley’s flesh? I mean, it’s not like a steal plate. Screw it, brilliant!
Big spots were…
How did the barbed wire cut Edge? Foley was wearing like six shirts! That was stupid! It was a stupid spot and I hate it! Nah, brilliant.
Big spots were all over the place in this brutal match. At one point Mick stood over Edge and pushed the barbed wire bat into his skin, and blood ran down Edge’s face. It reminded me of the Austin bleeding Wrestlemania moment, except Edge is just okay and Austin made more money than Edge can ever begin to imagine.
In a shocking twist, tacks were dumped in the ring and Edge landed on them. Man, I love it when the shirtless pretty boy takes the tack dive. I love it when a shirtless pretty boy rolls around in any kind of substance actually. Preferably hot oil. Sigh. Chris Masters. Sigh.
Edge poured lighter fluid on Mick Foley. Jerry Lawler said, “He wants to set Mick Foley on fire!” Styles replied, “You think?” Jerry said, “This is why we crap on you.”
Edge won after Lita hit Mick in the balls with a barbed wire bat and Edge speared Mick off the apron through a flaming table. Didn’t I see that on Seinfeld? WWE steals everything.
STAR RATING: ****. A great bloody brawl. I loved the Socko barbed wire on Lita. Anything that will prevent her from talking is okay with me.
In the skit of the night, Booker T walked around backstage and bumped into Paul Birchill doing his pirate thing, then Million Dollar Man (who was AWESOME) stealing money from Eugene, then Gene Snitsky licking Mae Young’s feet, then Oprahdust. Oprahdust told Booker to beat the Boogeyman by putting worms up his ass, then asked Booker why there were so many inconsistencies in his book.
Booker T and Sharmell lost to Boogeyman after a worm kiss and an A-Trainish choke slam. Guess who got what.
STAR RATING: ***** for the pre-match skit, ½ for the match, so *****1/2 stars.
Trish Stratus came out for her match against Mickie James, and the crowd LOVED Mickie and booed Trish. Jim Ross called the crowd defiant. Yeah, it couldn’t have anything to do with the following:
1. The build up had Mickie as a bit of an obsessed love struck sweetheart who’d do anything for her hero, sacrificing herself time and time again so Trish could retain her title.
2. Trish never thanked her and never told Mickie she didn’t like her, seemingly leading Mickie on before publicly telling her to stay away.
3. Mickie was portrayed as a hot lesbian. Yeah, that’ll get the crowd booing.
4. Mickie is something we have not seen before in professional wrestling. The last time we saw a new character who didn’t fit into some mold and do things the way we expected someone who looked like him to do things, it was Batista. When are they going to learn that originality of character is the key to getting someone over in this age where we’ve seen it all before?
But Jim Ross was probably right. Defiant crowd. It’s their fault.
Mickie and Trish had a stiff, very good match featuring a crotch snag, followed by a finger lick, followed by me pissing myself.
The ending was botched. I’m not sure who’s fault a screwed up Stratusfaction is, but shouldn’t a Stratusfaction be a faction of people who like Trish Stratus?
Mickie won with a chick kick, but Trish will get her rematch. She has to. She’s the only female face wrestler on Raw… no, in the WWE.
STAR RATING- ***. Would have been one of the best women’s matches in years if they hit the ending, but shit happens.
The McMahons had a family prayer. Vince told God he succeeded in spite of breaking all the commandments. “And God, thanks for making all the people I crushed along the way show up at MY Hall of Fame ceremony. It’s like knocking people down and peeing on them, and they open their mouths to drink. Awesome God. Danke.”
Undertaker fought Mark Henry in a boring casket match. Mark Henry wound up jumped on, tombstoned and buried. Undertaker then shot fireworks at the casket. What a jerk.
STAR RATING- 0 stars. Taker’s druid entrance was the highlight of the match, and we’ve seen Undertaker and his druids before. Nothing new, nothing exciting. Eh, one * for the leap over the casket to the outside. Still, worst match of the night.
Vince McMahon fought Shawn Michaels. Spirit Squad ran in and ran out. Shane McMahon got handcuffed to the ring and beaten with a stick. Then Shawn Michaels KILLED Vince McMahon.
First he shoved Shane’s face into Vince’s ass.
Then he hit Vince with a stiff chair shot that dented the chair and covered Vince in blood.
Then he hit Vince with a garbage can put it over Vince’s head.
Then he hit Vince with a ladder, then jumped off a giant ladder and hit a legdrop on Vince.
Then he shot Vince.
Then he raped Linda and made Vince watch.
Then he performed a root canal on a perfectly healthy McMahon tooth.
Then he penetrated Vince in every hole.
Then he gave Vince a crotch chop. Talk about Christian behavior!
Then he kicked and pinned Vince.
STAR RATING- **1/2. I’ve already seen the Passion of the Christ.
POD came out to sing Rey Mysterio’s shitty theme song. It sucked really badly, and Rey came out dressed like an Eagle or something Aztec I guess. Somebody wants some casino rights.
The triple threat started with a triple German suplex, which was pretty cool. The rest was your basic three way action, where one guy watched and jerked off while the other two went at it.
Kurt Angle was a monster in the match, kicking out of everyone’s finishers and making both men tap in the first ten minutes of the match. Incidentally, it was also the last ten minutes of the match as the match was under ten minutes. Rey hit Randy with the 619 and West Coast Pop for the win.
STAR RATING- **. That was the Smackdown main event? I’ve taken longer pisses.
Vicki and Chavo joined Rey on the stage and they hugged and pointed up. I assume the bookers were hanging out in the rafters.
Candice Michelle and Torrie got naked and rolled around. The one girl at the party I was at noticed how fugly Candice Michelle is. She’s a pudgeball with no ass, and yes, I’d still do her. Still, I f*ck boards with holes. Not even fur lined boards. I drill a hole, don’t even sand it, and I f*ck that board and wind up with a cock full of splinters.
STAR RATING- *. Torrie hit a suplex and some punches. All she needs is an STF and she has Cena’s move set down!
A shockingly good Wrestlemania was coming to a close. Funny skits, a nice moment in Rey winning the title, two four star plus matches, a great woman’s title match featuring a crotch snatch and finger lick, unpredictable outcomes and Fit Finley. Nothing too memorable, nothing too awful.
Then things got weird.
A new Motorhead song played, something about a king. Video footage showing what looked to be an old, poorly made movie about the crusades played as Hunter rose from below the stage on a wooden thrown wearing animal pelts, a corset and a crown, completing the look with a plastic bottle of water. His real music hit and he did his usual entrance, but man, he was wearing animal pelts and a crown.
Then a history of the Great Depression in Chicago played on the Titantron, basically telling everyone how great gangsters were for Chicago because they did what they wanted regardless of who liked them or hated them. Then a bunch of OVW wrestlers came out in an old car dressed as gangsters and waved tommy guns. The star of this entrance? CM FUCKING PUNK! CM Punk made his WWE television debut as one of John Cena’s tommy gun waving gangsters. CM Punk is the future of 1930’s Chicago gangsters who support John Cena. Heh.
Oh man, they should bring him in as Doink 2006.
John Cena appeared in a trench coat and shot off a tommy gun. Three people were killed.
The match began with Triple H having his way with Cena. He made Cena his bitch and did him in the butt several times. It would have been romantic in any other setting. Then Cena fought back with some punches. Then Triple H hit some knees and a long ass sleeper hold. Then Cena hit a suplex. STFU (right, Hunter’s tapping out to that), ref bump, Trip with a sledgehammer shot, 1, 2, KICK OUT! OH MY GOD! FU! 1, 2, KICK OUT! PEDIGREE? NO, CHAIN WRESTLING TO STFU! ARM IS DROPPED ONCE! ARM IS DROPPED TWICE! 3 TIMES? NO! HUNTER IS FIGHTING BACK! HE’LL NEVER TAP, HE’LL… HE TAPPED! CENA IS THE NEW SUBMISSION SPECIALIST! AHHHH! BLAHHHHH! LAHHHHH! MAHHHHHH! FAHHHHH!
STAR RATING- ***. It was okay. Lot’s of knees and punching. Great ending.
And that was Wrestlemania. I’ll never forget CM Punk in the gangster outfit or HHH in the animal pelt corset. The Benjamin jump to the ladder was cool, as was the hardcore match. Still, this will for me always be the Wrestlemania with the crotch snatch finger lick.
This column is dedicated to the crotch grab finger lick.
