Tommy P’s Raw Coverage: 4/3/06


Evening everyone, I’m Tom Pandich. Wrestlemania was last night and my pics were fantastic. I missed four matches but when you consider that I picked three of them to be contrary just to make things interesting for the roundtable (I picked Mark Henry, Booker T, and Angle) and the other missed pick was “Shawn wins unless Bret interferes. I think Bret does interfere”. I didn’t think Hart had that much integrity so sue me. So yeah, I get to brag about picking Kane/Big Show, Cena, and the rest of the matches while sacrificing the rest of the well known. In case you missed Wrestlemania”¦. well”¦

So yeah, Raw should be pretty crazy tonight. The Spirit Squad takes on The Big Show and Kane for the tag titles. Plus other stuff! Keep it here all night while we get Wrestlemania fall out.

Things start out with massive boos for Mr. John Cena. Joey Styles says that most people don’t appreciate the “new school attitude” of John Cena. Cena revels in the boos as he says “the champ is still here”. Cena is booed and here comes Triple H with new music. The Hs says that he’s pissed, not at Cena, but at himself. Triple H underestimated John Cena and he won’t do it again.

Here comes Edge (without music) and he’s saying how Triple H doesn’t have a rematch clause and that now Triple H goes to the back of the line. Edge is a complete and total mess right now. Edge says he’s undefeated at Wrestlemania and that he destroyed Mick Foley. Triple H counters saying how many of those matches were in the main event. He tells Edge to run to the back and hang out with the other curtain jerkers and let the main event guys do their business. Edge counters saying that he’s main event, he just doesn’t dress like Conan the Barbarian and that Edge beat Cena for the title. Triple H says he took a nap for twenty minutes and missed the whole damn thing. Edge says that he could have taken a nap, but he stayed up to watch Triple H tap out. Cena tosses out the idea that Triple H and Edge have a #1 contender’s match. He also offers Lita some medicine to stop the outbreak on her face.

Edge refuses this match and says “how about Triple H and I team up to take on your bling bling ass?” Cena says he should kick Edge’s ass just for using the term “bling, bling”. Triple H challenges Cena. Edge adds in that he shouldn’t let his chain gang members down now, the few that are left. Cena makes like he’s going to leave but accepts for later tonight. Great, great promo.

We’re back and its tag title time.

The Big Show and Kane vs Mikey and Kenny: We’ve got a squash, yes we do!

Kane dominates really earlier until Kane rams his shoulder into the post. Mikey works over Kane and tags Kenny in. Kenny works over Kane. Quick tags until Mikey puts a hammerlock on Kane. Kane hits a samoan drop on Mikey and the Big Show dominates. The ref takes a bump and five on one. The Spirit Squad picks the Big Show up for their drop. Kenny comes off the top with his spirit leg drop and it is over!

Winner and New Tag Team Champions: Mikey and Kenny!

The Spirit Squad celebrates taking the belts off of Kane and the Big Show a night later then most of us thought. That takes us to commercial.

We’re back and we get a Spirit Squad recap. Maria, the cutest Diva on Raw, interviews the Spirit Squad. The Spirit Squad does a cheer and continues the hilarity. had 35 million page views today. Time for a recap of Money in the Bank. We get most of the high spots. Here comes Rob with briefcase in tow. Rob says he’s had a lot of names in the past and now people are calling him Mr. Money in the Bank. Rob says he’s been asked a lot of questions when he is going to cash in money in the bank. Rob says that he’s not waiting as long as Edge did. He says that good timing is extreme or some stupid thing essentially saying that he’s cashing it in at Second Night Stand. Eh, moderately weak promo, says I. That takes us to commercial.

We’re back and Chris Masters screwed up last night. Now it’s time for him to squash some poor fool.

Chris Masters vs unnamed jobber: Yep, this one’s over

Masters destroys the jobber. Press slam. Masterlock. Done.

Winner: Chris Masters

Here comes Carlito. Carlito takes a big bite of his apple, chews it up real nice, and spits it on the jobber. They hug and everything is fine”¦UNTIL CARLITO HITS A BACKCRACKER! Carlito goes after Masters and beats the hell out of him. Carlito picks up the apple, tosses it down, and simply spits in Masters’ face. Thank goodness for this turn! Masters is pissed, Carlito is smug. Time for a commercial again.

Shinedown provided one of the Wrestlemania theme songs. Meh. Speaking of theme songs, here comes Shawn Michaels! Man oh man, he looks fly as hell in one of the nicest suits in the history of Raw. Shawn Michaels went DX on Vinnie Mac last night. Big HBK chant starts out. Michaels talks about how his match with Vince last night was everything he’d said it would be. It was violent, brutal, and it got downright ugly. Shawn talks about why he hits Vince with as much shit as he hit Vince with. Shawn says he did what he did to Vince to take him to hell. Shawn now can finally move on. Shawn says that seeing that popular thing right now is wanting to beat up John Cena so why can’t he for the WWE title?

Here comes Shane McMahon. Shawn Michaels welcomes the newest member of Vince McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass” club. Shane introduces Vince?!? Here comes Vince neck brace and all. Vince says his entire family has been scarred by Shawn. Linda was backstage as well as Stephanie. Furthermore though, Shane was emotionally scarred most of all. Vince says there’s no chance in hell that HBK will get a title match. Vince has two words for Shawn. Shawn interrupts Vince saying that he has two words for him. Crowd shouts out “suck it” and a decent size DX chant breaks out. Vince says that those two words are divine intervention. Last night it was Vince vs Shawn”¦. AND GOD! Vince starts yelling at God and Shawn interrupts him asking what’s the point?

Vince gets to the point saying in four weeks at Backlash, it’ll be a tag team match. “Shawn Michaels and God versus Vincent Kennedy McMahon and the product of my semen, Shane”. The look on Shane’s face is priceless. Commercial time.

WWE Rewind is brought to by Bowflex. We get still pictures of Mickie James’ victory. We get a recap of The Spirit Squad’s tag title victory and the Masters/Carlito break up and here comes Trish. Tag match time.

Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson vs Mickie James and Candice Michelle: Holy Shit, Divas with last names!

Mickie James has a somewhat new opening and has dyed her hair blond! Mickie James is also in a Trish like outfit. Hahahaha. Trish starts things out with Candice. The match is utterly brutal with Candice in the ring. Torrie gets tagged in as does Mickie. Mickie attacks Trish on the apron. Torrie hits a few kicks on Mickie. Mickie turns this around quickly and wins this thing with the “Mick” kick.

Winners: Mickie James and Candice Michelle

Post match has Trish with the belt and Mickie snatches it out of her hands screaming. What a brutally bad match. Commercial time.

We’re back and it’s time for a recap of the Hall of Fame. Only the USA broadcast is recapped though so its only Mean Gene, Eddie, and Bret that get their part of the induction shown. Bret’s speech was as classy as it could be.

Here’s Chavo. Chavo gets a big Eddie chant. Chavo says he’s never been more proud in his life then he was last night with Wrestlemania. He puts over Eddie. He puts over Rey. He says his only regret is that he didn’t get a chance to go for a championship. Big Chavo chant starts out. Tonight is Chavo’s chance to win a title. Big Chavo chant. He’s ready to win the IC title tonight. That takes us to commercial. It should be an interesting match.

Chavo Guerrero vs Shelton Benjamin: Finally, a Guerrero milks the Eddie heat

Shelton comes out with shades on. Chavo and Shelton do some of that amateur shit until Chavo hits a side suplex for two. They lock up and Chavo eats a knee and a slap. Chavo unloads on Shelton with some European uppercuts and kicks. Shelton gets the upper hand and launches Chavo to the outside. Chavo lands on the apron, but misses the shoulderblock and eats a nasty, nasty kick. Shelton follows Chavo to the outside and drops Shelton across the apron.

Shelton lays on Chavo with a side headlock and Chavo unloads on Shelton. Shoulderblocks, dropkicks, and it’s crazy. Shelton gets an eye poke but misses the huge stinger splash. Chavo does an Eddie shake and hits the Three Amigos. He points up to the sky and goes up top”¦FROGSPLASH MISSES. EXPLODER! It’s ovah!

Winner and still champion: Shelton Benjamin

It was a hot match and Chavo is disappointed in himself. Chavo glances up and looks upset. He’s talking to Eddie apologizing. The camera follows Chavo up looking sad. Do I smell a losing streak gimmick? Cena vs Edge/Triple H is later tonight. Commercials are now though.

This week in wrestling history it was”¦ Clash of the Champions VI! Ric Flair and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat had a two out of three falls match. “The Dragon” won the third fall retaining. Huzzah. Also on WWE 24/7, Papa Shango vs Scotty 2 Hottie!

On WWE Unlimited, Chavo says he has let everyone down and ends up quitting wrestling. Poor Chavo.

WOOO! Here comes Ric Flair. Flair tosses out a woo and says he has had some unbelievable moments in Chicago “like that’s a shocker”. Flair clarifies that he’s also had some great moments in his career. Flair came up a little short last night and Flair is interrupted by a dirty Mexican named Alejandro Armando Estrada. He’s speaking too damn much Spanish for a racist bigot like me too care. Estrada’s eyes are popping out. He puts himself over by talking about his broken ass TV and watching Ric Flair in Cooba, wherever that is. Estrada enjoys money, women, and the other finer things in life. This gimmick is too damn annoying. Estrada is going to introduce someone, but Ric stops him.

Ric is quite pissed off at the Cooban. Flair says bring it on. Here comes “Oomaga”. The two beat Flair up and a new feud is born. “Oomaga” hits a few head butts and then takes Flair up in torture rack and drops him with a neckbreaker. The Coach says we’ll be talking about this at the water cooler tomorrow. Oomaga tosses his Hawaiian shirt on a prone Flair. Handicap match is next!

In Smackdown news, Mysterio defends against Randy Orton this Friday night on Smackdown!

Ozzie Guillen is in the house. Edge and Triple H are in the back talking about how they’re going to beat Cena’s ass. Triple H says he’ll let Edge get the win. Edge says the same thing, only vice versa. Triple H gives a mean look after Edge heads out.

Edge and Triple H versus John Cena: The definition of “angle enhancement match”

Triple H comes out to the classic music. And we go to commercial? Fantastic. We’ll get a good three minutes of wrestling in this match, won’t we? Edge’s back is scarred badly. Triple H sits on the rope allowing Edge to go after Cena. Cena hits Edge in the back and Cena wails on Edge. Edge gets the advantage when Lita grabs Cena’s foot. Big “Cena Sucks” chant starts up. Edge gets dumped and Cena wants a piece of Triple H. Edge nails Cena before they go at it. Cena tries for an FU but Edge hits an Edgecutioner (now called a COD, Concousion on Demand) that gets two. Double clothesline and both are down. Triple H comes down and he’s looking to measure Cena up. Edge goes for a spear and Triple H catches it.

Cena unloads on Edge in the corner. Triple H is up and pulls Cena off of Edge only to unload on Edge. Triple H and Cena unload on Edge. Triple H hits a spinning spinebuster on Edge. Cena goes for a Five Knuckle Shuffle but KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! Triple H pins Cena!

Winners: Triple H and Edge

Edge is pissed. Cena is out. Triple H is smug. That’s it for Raw.

As far as Raw goes, this was a decent show. The opening promo between Edge, Cena, and Triple H was fantastic. HBK also cut a great promo tonight. Crazy Vince will be a fun change from the normal Vince. The wrestling though was pretty lacking. Chavo’s match with Shelton really was the best “wrestling” match. The women’s tag was filled with blown spots and the Flair beat down was pretty lame. Still, the Spirit Squad as tag champs is an interesting choice and Cena/Edge/Triple H is one of the most potentially interesting combinations we’ve had in a long while. Thumbs mildly up for this show.