A success.
Champions?
We have a few…
Edge – probably dead… on:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
And now bringing in the new season of Raw – they are my own personal Spirit Squad. Please, everybody put your hands together for:
BILL – He’s got the fever.
CHRIS – He’s hot
ERIC – He can’t be stopped.
HERNANDEZ – How funky is your chicken?
JENNA – How loose is your goose?
MIKEY – Is your goose totally loose?
NINA – Now shake your caboose!
DANI – Gimme an R A B
…and finally, gimme a B L E – it’s Me, James Hatton.
Now before we get going, I need to address two things. First, the Wan files keep getting pushed back. It’s my fault – and as soon as they are done I’m going to put together one big file you can all go and view the Rabble Profiles from.
Now here’s Penny with our weekly commentary from Canada:
Just a note this week. I got Married on Saturday, (Gotta LOVE Canada’s marriage
laws), and fire reigned down on us, so we beat Dani and James to it so HA!
Okay it wasn’t fire, it was the massive discomfort caused by my mom’s drunk friend,
but hey, I’M MARRIED! TO A WOMAN!
My WM moments – Shelton’s Ladder-run Moonsault. All of Mickey/Trish. Triple H’s
Conan bit. (Come on that was f**king awesome!). All of Foley/Edge. The “F**K YOU
CENA” Chant. Shawn’s Ladder on Garbage Can Elbow.
I’d go more into detail but I ramble to begin with.
(Interested in telling Penny what you think? Email me… I’ll get it to her)
Last night – was a little thing called Wrestlemania, and now the champ is heah!
So Cena comes on down – and gives a mixed face/heel speech. Even as he gets a screaming ‘Cena sucks’ chant. He is about to address his booing and Trip’s new music starts up.
“Think he’s gonna come down on the throne with wheels on it?” – Hernandez
“Isn’t that just a wheelchair?” – Me
So Trips struts down to the ring – and his new music is growing on me pretty quickly. The crowd isn’t sure what to think about this entire affair – and Trips offers Cena a hand.
“Hand the belt over… just walk away” – Eric
Cena finally goes for it… and Trips pulls his hand away.. awww psyche.
Trips announces that Cena actually found a way to win and he’s pissed off about it. He’s pissed off at himself, because he has made the same mistake that everyone else has. They underestimated him, but now here comes the ‘YOU TAPPED OUT’ chant.
“Hear that – that’s the rub..” – Hernandez
“You might not like Cena – but it’s easy to hate Triple H” – Me
“Tonight.. on a special monday night raw” – Dani
Hunter is out here for a reason that everyone knows apparently.
“Why’s he out here?” – Bill
He wants another shot at the title, but here comes Edge.
“You’re alive!??!” – Eric
Edge wearing bandages and Lita with a butterfly stitch on her lip and Edge has got a huge staple up his forehead… he addresses that Hunter lost last night and Edge won a match against a legend in his enviornment.
“The Serengeti” – Chris
Hunter wants to know whether that was a main event match.
“Pull out your abacus” – Bill
Hunter thinks Edge should head on to the back with the other curtain jerkers.
“Jericho is here?” – Hernandez
Edge announces he was the champ. Hunter states that he took a nap for twenty minutes and missed his entire title run.
“Bullshit – you were comatose.” – Bill
All the while Cena watches on – “Well I see He-Man and Skeletor have some unfinished business…..” Nice bit, and as Edge tries to call him She-Ra Cena offers them a one on one match for number one contendership.
Edge now thinks due to his injury – it might be better if it’s Hunter and Edge versus Cena… Now they ask the crowd whether they want to see them kick Cena’s ass – cheep pop.
“Edge and Hunter are like Wildchild and Sabretooth” – Dani
So Cena is about to bail, but then takes the challenge – bitches.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back and we have a match for the tag team belts! It’s the BIG KANE taking on our favorite bouncies.. they are the S.S.
BIG KANE vs. SPIRIT SQUAD
Rah!
All five of them come out..
“I miss them as the posse” – Mikey
They leap around until they get into the ring… and they have a trampopoline while Kane and Big Show look completely confused…and… upset.
Kane starting in the ring with Kenny. Big fists from Kenny – who goes and dances then gets a choke drop and then Kane drops him hard.
“Aww the monkey found a toy” – Jenna
So now Kane hiptosses in Kenny and they start throwing him corner to corner. Sideslam from Kane. He hits the top turnbuckle clothesline and then a big fist clears out the ring – and as he charges … one of em… he goes shoulder to turnbuckle.
Now they have Kane in the corner and one of them drop down on him…. Kenny is in the ring and we have a long discussion of trying to figure out which Spirit Squad members are in the ring at all. Mikey now has Kane in an armlock and he gets heaved up into a samoan drop.
“Shades of Tatanka” – Mikey
So Kane goes and tags in Show and now it’s clothesline and boot city. Mikey into the ropes – and into the ref…. oop… now all of them run in and four corner throw of the BIG SHOW! That’s gotta be that. Kenny top rope leg drop – square on Show!
WINNERS: THE SPIRIT SQUAD
The Rabble is popping – and if you don’t like it – you got NOTHING!
“So do you think the band is going to break up now?” – Dani
“In a few weeks” – Me
“Yeah just like the Buddy Bears” – Mikey
COMMERCIAL
That’s right – the Rabble likes the Spirit Squad. You think that’s bad, a friend of mine from the IP Forums actually pops for Chris Masters. You have a problem, you go find him.
COMMERCIAL
And we get a replay of the STUNNING UPSET of the Spirit Squad! Even as Coach and Styles refer to it as the biggest upset in WWE History.
Now in the back… IT’S MARIA and she introduces the SPIRIT SQUAD and they have an idea..
“Yeah stop blocking Maria” – Bill
“Let’s gangrape Maria!” – Chris
…no, a cheer and they introduce themselves. Kenny, Mikey, Mitch
“ME!” – Chris
“EGON!” – Hernandez
We get a flashback to the Money In The Bank Ladder Match from last night, where, if you didn’t know – RVD took it home. And in 30 seconds we’ve seen 30 spots! Now lets bring out the whole damn show….
RVD comes out with his case. RVD coming down in tiger stripes.
“He’s GGGRrrrreeaat” – Bill
RVD grabs a mic – announcing his new name is now Mister Money In The Bank. He likes that. He broke through the glass ceiling, earning a shot for the world title.
“Thank you for telling us the rules” – Chris
So RVD announces when he’s going to cash in the briefcase – he’s not waiting as long as Edge did. He’s waiting until it’s… EXTREME. So there we go.
“At least he kept that short…” – Mikey
“He forgot it all.” – Eric
COMMERCIAL
SO we get a flashback to the titles being defended last night…
“So much for that.” – Hernandez
It’s time for Masters who runs into the ring, hurting Bill’s chance to scream Powdered Toast Man.
In the ring he’s with a jobber – and he spinebusts him – clotheslines him – press slams him – Masterlock – That’s that.
WINNER: CHRIS MASTERS
“Who did he face?” – Dani
“Conquistador number 3.14” – Me
Now though it’s time though for someone who spits in the face of people who aren’t cool. Masters means business, he takes off of the tape.
“Why even put it on Chris?” – Eric
“It wath cutting off my thirculation” – Me
They get into the ring.
“I want a hug” – Chris
Carlito starts chomping on an apple… and Masters is yelling at him. Carlito turns to the jobber and spits the apple on him and hugs Masters.
“I got my hug!” – Chris
The music chimes in and Carlito – out of nowhere – BIG BACKBREAKER to Masters followed up by a round of stomping! Nicely done.
“But… after I got my hug” – Chris
Carlito grabs his apple, takes a bite, spits it into Masters face and Carlito’s music chimes up… telling us all that that.. was cool.
COMMERCIAL
Hey conveniently they play an ECW commercial.
“So hardcore, we wrapped our logo in barbed wire…” – Bill
“Nobody will be there, we all work for TNA now..” – Hernandez
Shawn is here, and he’s wearing a suit… he struts into the ring.
“His suit paid for by last night’s match” – Hernandez
Shane’s got a mic.
“He found his smile – Vince had it this whole time” – Me
Shawn says last night’s match was everything he wanted it to be. It was dirty, it was brutal, and it got ugly.
“He looks ten years younger” – Hernandez
“They sanded off the wrinkles” – Bill
Last night wasn’t about a wrestling match – no – no – no.
“Last night was about a paycheck” – Dani
It was about Vince’s personal hell. There is now a weight lifted off Shawn’s shoulders..
“A cross if you will…” – Me
“*trumpet fanfare*” – Chris
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Vince Needs Jesus
“Everyone does..” – Bill
“I do.” – Chris
Shawn now wants to discuss moving on – and the popular thing seems to want to beat up John Cena – why can’t ‘I’ beat up John Cena… but wait a second..
HERE COMES THE MONNNEYYYYYYYY!
“You know what’s awesome – ice cream and Shane” – Dani
Shane is out here and he doesn’t look happy…… and before he can talk, Shawn wants everyone to give a warm welcome to the newest member of the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass club. Shane again.. unthrilled.
Shane now introduces, Vince McMahon.
“Old Ironsides” – Bill
Vince comes out in a neckbreaker and a bandaid.
“And he’s still wearing the garbage can” – Bill
“He looks happy…” – Mikey
Vince wants to know if Shawn has any idea what he’s done. Linda had to watch it happen. “My sweet innocent daughter Stephanie….”
“Miscarried” – Eric
Shane’s been put through emotional scarring by shoving his head up his father’s rectal cavity. Shawn may not care, but Shane has been psychologically and emotionally scarred for life. Yet Shawn wants to move on for a championship match. He’s got two words for Shawn…….
WAAAIT a second. Shawn’s got two words for Vince!
“JESUS SAVES!” – Me
SUCK IT!
And the DX signs are everywhere…. fantastic!!!!!
Vince’s two words though are – divine intervention. Vince states that Shawn had help from God, making it a handicapped match of Vince versus Shawn and God.
“Wrestlemania 23 – Vince versus God.” – Me
“Shane versus Jesus” – Hernandez
“Trish versus Mary in a bra & panties match” – Me
Shawn wants to know if not only is Vince crazy… but does he have a point? Vince’s point is that he will never win the war against the McMahons… he’s in a war, and it’s going to continue because at Backlash there will be a tag team match. Shawn and his favorite partner, God – versus Shane and Vince….
Yes… God.
COMMERCIAL
Flashback to Mickey versus Trish.
Then we get the 10pm review of everything that’s happened in the first hour… how…errr… lame.
Trish comes down – looking a bit naked….
“How’s your knee sweety?” – Hernandez
She’s wearing a cute little half corset and she’s limping obviously into the ring. Here comes Torrie…
“She has to wrestle Torrie?” – Dani
“Bumped to the bottom of the ladder” – Bill
Now though here comes Candice… so it must be a tag match.
And Mickey comes on down with the giggle from Trish’s music, and she’s come on down with blonde hair and a mini corset…. just like Trish.. it’s AWESOME!
“Mickey’s like Venus De Milo – beautiful, and not all there” – The King
Starting in the ring, Candice with Trish.
“Because Candice can wrestle…” – Dani
“She won’t get hurt at least” – Me
Trish drops her down into a sideheadlock – a weak kick – and a scissor throw. Trish tags Torrie, and Candice tags Mickey… and Mickey wants Trish, but runs past Torrie to hit her.. Trish is out now. Mickey throws a chick kick and wins it.
“Most insulting name for a move” – Dani
“But the most effective move ever” – Bill
“Hey, Bob HOlly had the Hollycaust..” – Mikey
“And he’d only use it against Goldberg” – Me
WINNERS: CANDICE & MICKEY
COMMERCIAL
A flashback to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony.
Hogan inducts Mene Gene.
Eddie gets the big chant this year and Rey inducts him with Benoit and Chavo and his wife, and there isn’t a dry eye in the house.
Stone Cold inducts Bret Hart… looking very pale and old.
And now, for the cheap shit heat… here comes Chavo! He’s got a microphone.
“My name is Chavo Guerrero”
“NOT EDDIE OR VILLANO NUMBER FOUR!” – Hernandez
He wants to thank the crowd for keeping Eddie’s memory arrive. The Eddie chant goes strong.
“Is Rey here?” – Bill
His friend – his brother – Rey Mysterio won the world title. He is upset that he didn’t get to fight for a belt. Tonight though, he gets to fight for the Intercontinental Belt – and tonight is HIS Wrestlemania….
“And he’ll win it, because he dedicated it to Eddie… seriously, Barry Horowitz could face Batista, and if he dedicates it to Eddie, he’ll win!” – Me
“HOROWITZ WINS! HOROWITZ WINS!” – Mikey
COMMERCIAL
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Hey… Chavo gets a win?
So here comes Shelton wearing black sunglasses…. bell rings.
Lock up to start – Shelty uses a technical belly to back take down but Chavo hits with a back suplex for two.
Lock up, and Shelton hits the knee to Chavo – a slap from Shelton and a knee to the gut from Chavo and he just beats Shelton down into the corner stompity stompity down.
Throws Shelton to the ropes, throws a dropkick, misses it and as Shelton goes for his legs to set up the monkey flip – Chavo flies to the outside and as Shelton charges punches him. Shelty pushes him and Chavo takes a mean back bump to the outside….
Shelton brings Chavo back into the ring and right into a chinlock. Chavo fights out of it and elbow to Shelton to break it. Followed up by a big dropkick from Chavo. A big back bodydrop, a toss-up dropkick for two. Hot action between these two.
Chavo picks up Shelton and eats a thumb to the throat, but Chavo in the corner – Shelty charges in and Chavo ducks out of the way of the splash – then Chavo hits the spinning tiltawhirl headscissors.. he hits the three amigos suplexes.
Chavo is climbing up to the top. He flieeesssss and MISSES! T-Bone Exploder from Shelton and That. Is. That.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
“Toldja” – Me
Chavo gets to his feet – apologizes to the skies and leaves to a chant of Chavo.
“Maybe if he got Pepe back he’d start winning again” – Mikey
COMMERCIAL
Hey – a Flashback to Clash of Champions II… Flair and Ricky in a 2 outta 3 falls.
During the commercial break – Chavo was discussing how he left the fans down, his family down, and Eddie down. Chavo cries and decides that maybe he shouldn’t be a wrestler… he quits.
“I’m gonna be Kerwin White again” – Bill
Hey…. Woo?
It’s Naatcha Boy.. in a suit..
“Because there is no wrestling tonight” – Eric
Ric grabs a mic – he’s had some amazing moments in Chicago
“Her name was Rita…” – Me
“I remember that fire.” – Bill
In 1982, he wrestled his ass off and lost. He still believes there is a 17th title run in him. Wait a sec… there is a new guy here.
His name is Arando Alejandro Estrada.
America needs a new hero and his name iiisssssssss–
“You are the foreignor here – we speak slow to YOU” – Bill
So he’s from Cuba.. shocker.
“Where’s Savio Vega and Los Borriquas?” – Hernandez
Anyway – he enjoys the dinero..
“He’s the Cuban Million Dollar Man!” – Me
Wait Ric asks after Estrada goes on for five minutes – Ric wants to know why he’s yelling at the Natcha Boy. Seems that Estrada is a manager and he is going to introduce the new wrestler…
“Giant Gonzalez?” – Hernandez
We now get… Umaga…. who is, as pointed out by Hernandez – Jamal dressed up as our newest Samoan. He throws Ric into the corner – but squashes him – and then hits his finisher – a sloppy torture rack – samoan drop – neckdrop – thingy.
COMMERCIAL
In the back Edge and Trips are talking – and they are arguing about who gets to go out and beat on Cena…
They agree to both do it. Even though Trips is not thrilled…
EDGE & TRIPLE H vs. JOHN CENA
Nobody gets cheered tonight….
So the commercial hits during Triple H’s entrance – so Cena gets his whole entrance. Sadly, no Tommy Guns….
Trips is sitting on the turnbuckle gesturing for Edge to go in and they show Edge’s back and it’s just a pincushion.. ouchie.
Cena locks up with Edge. Cena gets a belly to back lock up and pushes Edge into the corner and then a backchop.. ouchie.
“Dare I hope… Krispy Kreme eyes?” – Bill
Lock up again and Cena punches Edge sending him down to a crowd of boos… Edge throws Cena to the ropes and Lita trips him down to a cheer! Edge now with the fists to Cena’s head to a ‘Cena Sucks’ chants. Now Cena grabs Edge by the hair, Irish whips him and tosses him over the top turnbuckle.
Triple H is laughing on the top turnbuckle – they go face to face.
“Flying Pedigree” – Bill
So they get reaal close to fighting, when Edge charges in and Trips hops back up on his turnbuckle. Cena goes and gets up for the FU, but Edge escapes it and hits him to the back of the neck. A high end DDT for two from Edge.
Punch to the gut from Edge to Cena – and now both are down…. Cena fights to his feet as Trips now inches his way towards Cena. Cena turns around just in time to see Trips, but Edge primes for the spear – Cena moves! EDGE SPEARS HUNTER!
Cena with the clotheslines – the shoulderblock – the bodydrop. Now Cena goes nuts on Edge as Hunter comes in THROWS CENA and goes after Edge and now Trips and Cena hit Edge back and forth…..
Nice – Edge is down – Cena goes for the five knuckle – hits the ropes – EATS A BOOT FROM HUNTER – PEDIGREE – CENA IS OUT!
WINNER: TRIPLE H
What an amazingly strange ending, the face and heel lines are so drawn now it’s almost damn interesting!
So what’s the opinion?
“Not to bad – shockingly” – Chris
“I stand behind Cena… good last match” – Bill
“At least Triple H won tonight” – Jenna
“It would have been nice if there were more matches, but it was pretty good” – Mikey
“A little too much talking, but Triple H strategy was sweet” – Nina
“I’m HBK’s partner…” – Eric
“Nice follow up to last night” – Hernandez
And my opinion? I say that they are moving us into a world where our main eventers are all tweeners and nobody knows what to do with it. The next few weeks of wrestling are interesting times indeed….. too many interviews, not enough wrestling, but we’re moving into some at least different spins on the last few storylines.
Thanks all for the night.
