Okay, so remember how last week I tried to psyche all you out by saying there’d be a merge, and La Mina would get Pagonged, and I tried preemptively closing the column? Well I did, but I then went on (at considerable length) about how that notion was most likely false, and analyzed different scenarios for Survivor.
To make a long story short, I should have save the extra hour, and ended the column right then and there, as I had pretended to do. Not only am I pissed about the outcome of Survivor last week, but I lost that hour of my life to making the column meatier. Now I’m doubly pissed, because with Daylight Savings Time, that’s two hours of my life totally wasted in the past week. I just can’t win.
So this week, call me a bitch (which you were going to do anyway), but I’m getting redemption, and reclaiming that hour! That’s right, you all have been duped by (cue dramatic music) … The Express Column. Limit nine items per customer.
Why, you ask? The obvious answer is that I can. The other answer is that I don’t think I could write anything productive about Survivor until I know more of what is going on. Sadly it’s almost apparent that La Mina will be Pagonged for at least one more week. Yes, Terry has the talisman (even that word is losing its touch), so a Casaya could be sent home in that instance. But it appears as if La Mina as a whole is up the proverbial creek without the proper equipment. Like Yaxha last year, one of the tribe could make it, but as a tribe, they are doomed.
Dammit.
Also, before I begin the Rundown, I just want to say how pissed off I am at CBS. CBS has played some pretty tricky things on us, hinting at things that never amounted to anything significant, but they flat-out lied to us last week. Emergency situation, with a rescue boat and someone being carted off at night? They definitely advertised that, and there was nothing of the sort that even resembled that preview scene. Okay, so Bruce and Nick are idiots who don’t know machete safely (both are fully to blame). That was NOT was we were promised. Why don’t they just say that next week will feature excessive non-blurred nudity for your viewing pleasure? Of course it would just be Austin without a shirt, but that’s almost the same, right? It makes no difference, because apparently now it’s okay not to back up what you say.
So before I punch THROUGH my keyboard keys, it’s time for the Rundown. This week has some movers and shakers. With what I said a little bit ago, La Mina as a tribe is screwed, thus none of those three will have stellar rankings. I cannot in good conscience give Terry even one more week at #1. At least not until something big happens, if it does. But that leaves us with an interesting predicament. Terry was such a clear-cut choice for #1, that no one else emerged as his possible replacement. Now I have to replace him, and someone who may or may not be ready to head the Rundown is in charge. This tribe has leaderships problems, such that they can’t even decide who among them is the best. As always, the Rundown promises to be at least 120% right, or it’s on the house. By that I meant it ranks players’ likelihood of winning it all, relative to everyone else, given current level of game play.
Loser’s Lounge:
16- Tina Scheer
15- Melinda Hyder
14- Misty Giles
13- Ruth Marie Milliman
12- Bobby Mason
11- Dan Berry
10- Nick Stanbury (4). I had just got done saying how Nick was less likely to be sent home than Austin because of Austin’s cranium (ie, Nick’s lack of an adequate one), and Nick is voted out because Austin played with some slight trickery. About Nick, it’s sad to see him go, because he was just so … anonymous. He’ll probably go back into the Survivor shadows, and that’s it for him. He seemed like a decent guy (not bad looking either), despite listing the Olsen Twins as his favorite actresses. One more thing about Nick: you don’t cut TOWARD someone. My mom still yells at me for doing that with a bagel, let alone a huge machete. It’s okay Nick, Bruce seemed to deserve it. So thanks for the laugh. That’s your Survivor Legacy you leave for us.
*Loser’s Lounge update* This is the last update from the lounge for the season, as next week I will report live from the scene of the Jury Junction (I know, I hate that term too). And sadly, that is the only pressing news to report from Loser’s Lounge: there’ll be no more subsequent news.
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9- Austin Carty (5). It looks like he’s next. He does have a couple outs, however. They could target Terry this week, in which case, someone else goes home. After that, they could go back for Terry, and Austin’s in the final seven, where drama could occur. I think that’s really his only chance. My men were the first two out after the merge in Guatemala too (Brandon and Bobby Jon), and I may have to do the same to my guys this season too.
8- Shane Powers (10). Okay, go ahead and argue that he’s in a good leadership position, and played well this week, and in a majority, perhaps even with one or two allies. Argue it some more, to which I say you have good points. However, Shane is target numbers one, two, and three if any coups were to happen. Also, even IF he avoided such – and this brings me to my main point about him – his chances of winning it all are nearly none. The Rundown ranks likelihood of winning, and Shane ain’t got no shot. Problem solved, and he’s at the bottom.
7- Sally Schumann (6). I have to drop her slightly only because of her La Mina status. While I think she is most likely to overcome this obstacle, I cannot keep her higher than others who are in better positions at the given time. Her rank may increase soon, however.
6- Bruce Kanegai (8). What was he doing this week? First off, you don’t stick your hand in the fire to see if it’s hot. Similarly, you don’t lean over a sharp steel machete. With respect to game play, I respect his not switching sides. But man was he indecisive. Or worse, he was cocky about his swing vote status. Christy Smith Syndrome is not a good disease to catch on Survivor, and if Bruce flaunts his power like that again, they’ll oust him stat.
5- Aras Baskauskas (9). Aras climbs four spots this week (impressive in any week, however moreso now with fewer spots to rise), yet surprisingly does not get player of the week honors. Why? He only rose four spots because I was too harsh on him last week. He did do well by doing nothing this week. As I always say, if you do nothing while others around you are screwing up, you are a better player because of it (which is totally why I do not disagree with the under the radar strategy). True, Aras isn’t under the radar per se, but he is not in as glowingly worse positions as others. Right now, he’s okay.
4- Terry Deitz (1). It may be done for Terry. Yes, he’s guaranteed at least two more episodes, but I got a really weird Gary Hogeboom feeling about him when I started this column, which is not good. I can’t shake the notion that everyone’s gunning for him just because he’s Terry, and some people will not be able to rest until he’s out. Sadly, I think at least five people on the island feel this way, and that’s a majority. Of course, he’s got outs, and could probably win immunity far enough, THEN use the talisman, by which time people like him. I just don’t see it, given his current status. Of course, there’s always a ‘however’ attached to it. If anyone can do it, it’s Terry (aka Mr. “My daddy’s a fighter pilot and yours is a chimney sweep,” or Tom Westman, Beta Version). Come on Terry, get back up to your #1 spot!
3- Courtney Marit (7). As with Aras, she rose four spots, yet does not get player of the week honors. And for the same reason of Aras – her rank last week was too low. Dear god, I just realized I said her rank was TOO low, and she’s ranked higher than Terry. Anywho, she’s doing fine by doing nothing, and just kinda waiting for something cool to happen. In the mean time, she’s pretty comfortable being in a majority, and one with two oddballs like Shane and Bruce in it. ‘Let’s see, I’ve currently got the numbers, and there’s two other people who will take the hit before me, even if my world comes crashing down’ is probably what she’s thinking. Keep doing nothing to piss people off Courtney, because May is only a few weeks away, and I can see you still in the game at that time.
2- Danielle DiLorenzo (2). Not even with Terry vacating the top spot can Danielle take over #1 (ie, reclaim it from Terry, who replaced her many weeks back). Now obviously one would argue that if #1 is longer fit to be top dog, and nothing is wrong with #2, then #2 almost automatically fills in the place. And normally I would agree. But. Watching last week, I got a slight attitude vibe from her. And I got a weird feeling that this ‘tude would rear its ugly head in future episodes, and maybe cause trouble for her. I know it may seem far-fetched/unmerited, but I can’t shake this feeling. Granted it’s not enough to penalize her any points (see what I assumed Courtney was thinking in Courtney’s blurb), but it’s definitely something to consider.
1- Cirie Fields (3). This is who I give player of the week honors to, folks! Granted, she only rose two positions, but when you don’t see anyone else as deserving of this honor, you have to give it to the person at #1. With Cirie this past week, I saw her make a good decision (for herself anyway). Why go from a comfortable six person alliance to a new six person alliance with strangers, and in doing so, piss off four others? You don’t, which is why she was correct. Also, she’s shown she has a level head (but not too shady), and no physical ability, so she’s not a threat to anyone. To add to it, she’s down-right personable. But most of all, she’s in an alliance with two other question marks and a yoga instructor who would prefer to find energy in the woods than firewood. You tell me who has the advantage. In other words, Cirie could support this whole Casaya thing, and let it take its course. Or, if a coup is formed, it would be against one her allies. So Cirie would be totally safe. For me, that’s plenty to give her the top spot. In a related story, Cirie was ranked #14 of 14 after the second episode (Melinda), and now she’s #1 – running the whole gamut of the rundown. Try to tell me she does not deserve to be here.
Considering that, my cool column closes. Feel free to email me about my bad alliteration or my column’s contents. I guess it wasn’t so “abbrev’d” after all.
So until next time, when we discuss “it,” and why “it” must be pumped (louder), stay cool.
~Dora
