Welcome To My Nightmare

My shout out this week goes to Fabian. Yeah”¦THAT Fabian. He sent me a brief email that was either very gracious and professional or the single best use of sarcasm in print form that I’ll ever see. As you can imagine, I wasn’t sure what to think. Hell, I’m still not sure I know what to think. I haven’t written him back yet, but I will before the week is out. I guess the best I can hope for is that he’ll eventually write a Thunderbolts story that resembles something more along the lines of his New Warriors and X-Men stuff, which wasn’t bad. I know a lot of you folks love his Cable/Deadpool. I don’t read it because I don’t care about either character, but if that’s been good and his previous work at Marvel has been good, then there’s still hope for the Thunderbolts. If he writes something that really gets me energized in a positive way, I’ll be the first to sing his praises from this, my virtual rooftop. Until then”¦.

I got to thinking about something I wrote last week. I said near the end of my First Comics column that Dark Horse has carved a nice, lucrative niche as the primary publisher of licensed materials. And I read a few of those, especially Star Wars and Conan. Cary Nord, baby! But there are so many more properties I’d love to see in comic form. It’s a brilliant medium and lends itself so well to a stronger marriage with television and Hollywood. So often, all we see is “the official movie adaptation” of the big movie of the year—Star Wars, Men In Black, Batman Begins, X-Men 2, heck, I even have a comic version of The Last Starfighter squirreled away somewhere. And hunger for more. Hollywood has been fast-tracking comic book properties left and right these days. But lets reverse it, and see if we can’t get some good comics out of Hollywood properties!

Call it the TiVo imprint, if you will. It’s my wishlist of comics based on television and movie properties that I think would be at the top of my pile every Wednesday, if they were to exist.

‘24′ – I think there’s actually been a ‘24′ comic, but I never found it at the shops I haunt. I am not quite two discs into Season 4 and am not around at night to watch the show when it airs, so don’t send me any spoilers! I know where you live! I’ll send you copies of Thunderbolts #100 to taint your collection! The show is tremendous, and I always wonder about the parts we don’t see. What did Michelle Dessler (mmm…Reiko Aylesworth) do before arriving at CTU? Same for Chase Edmunds, what’s his “origin” story? Show me how Jack infiltrated the Salazars before Season 3. Show me how he ended up with the Department of Defense before Season 4. The beauty of this is that people who watch ‘24′ LOVE ‘24‘. It’s not a casual viewing show. You don’t do the NY Times crossword while its on. You save it for when UPN is on. Using a comic to bridge gaps and flesh out characters would draw people in to the comic shops to find the ‘24′ comic, and who knows, maybe they’d leave with a couple of trades of Gotham Central too. My creators: Greg Rucka and Gene Ha. Greg cut his teeth on mystery, and I believe ‘24′ is a mystery at heart. Sure, you pretty much know who the bad guy is and what he did or is doing early on, but the mystery is how are they gonna screw with Jack and which of his family, friends and coworkers are going to die? Rucka can do this. Gene Ha does realism well and has a great eye for detail. Anybody who hasn’t read Top 10 by Alan Moore and Gene Ha needs to leave this page immediately and get over to Amazon. Then again, Greg Lark does a great job with gritty, realistic material too”¦or Alex Maleev. Or maybe all three. Gene can draw the President Palmer scenes, Greg can draw the CTU shots, and Alex can handle Jack in the field.

Firefly – The only (and arguably) unsuccessful Joss Whedon venture I can think of. I’ll never understand why, so I’ll just assume the Fox execs have no idea how to market or shepherd a program if it doesn’t pull Simpsons-level ratings right out of the gate. There was a Firefly miniseries, three issues to sort of bridge the end of the Firefly television show to the Serenity feature movie. I believe that a lot of Firefly/Serenity/Joss Whedon fans are also comic book fans. This has a built in audience who’s already at the comic shop, just waiting to get their hands on it. I’d love to know more about the Blue Hands, more about Book‘s early adventures, more about the war Mal and Zoë found themselves on the losing side of, more about Was’s plans for his future with Zoë, assuming of course that these stories would mostly take place before the events of Serenity. Or we could do two series, Firefly taking place before and after the TV show but before the movie, and Serenity taking place after the movie and beyond. Everyone loves prequels and sequels, just ask Hollywood. If a comic a company gave Firefly a better chance than Fox did, the book would succeed. My creators: Joss Whedon (uh-duh”¦you didn’t think I was going suggest Fabian, did ya?) with maybe a guest arc by Nathan Fillion (Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, who loves the role—though I have no idea if he can write. Joss can help him, right?) And Greg Land on the art, because he’s gotta draw Inara!

The Boondock Saints – I suppose this one’s pretty similar to the Punisher, but it’s funnier by far. The story of two Irish brothers and their crazy walking arsenal of a father dispensing hollow-point justice in Boston could make for an excellent comic. Cameos by everybody’s favorite, flamboyant FBI Agent Smecker, would keep things edgy. I’d love to see a “Rocco the Funny Man” miniseries spin out from it. If you haven’t seen this movie, and you’re over 17, go out and find it. It’s one of the most quotable movies I’ve ever seen. The one-liners in it are priceless. There’s a sequel to the film in the works, but I’ve heard Troy Duffy, the original film’s writer and director, is a really difficult cat to get along with and there’s been a variety of snags with getting the sequel done. In fact, somebody last year made a documentary about Duffy last year. While fans of the film wait with dwindling patience for a film that might never be completed—the first one was deemed so violent that it only ran for a week or two in Canada and went direct-to-video in the States so it’s already an uphill battle—they’d jump at the chance to follow the Saints adventures in 4 color glory. My creators: I’m torn between Brian Azzarello and Peter David for the writing chores. Brian is at his best with gritty crime tales and Pete’s used humor to great effect in his writing for years. Maybe Brian writes the Saints and Peter writes Rocco? I’d like to have Tim Bradstreet do the whole thing art-wise, but if he’s only doing covers I’ll take ChrissCross, whom Peter worked with on Captain Marvel. He does great facial expressions.

13th Warrior – This was the first DVD I ever bought. It’s also the ONLY Michael Crichton movie that didn’t completely suck. Think back to when you were a kid, and your local UHF station would run something along the lines of “Sunday Movie 2″ or “Saturday Matinee Surprise” for a couple hours mid to late afternoon. We don’t get much of this in St. Louis any more but there was a time not that long ago when Saturday afternoons featured the likes of the horrendous 1991 Captain America movie. But when I was young, it was always something like The Blob or The Sons of Katie Elder–usually a decent western or a somewhat classic horror flick or a really boring drama nobody else would ever want to air. And from time to time there would be a poorly acted Viking movie depicting the warriors as violent, booty obsessed barbarians. And by “booty obsessed” I mean both sex and loot. That was what I thought of when the words “Viking” and “movie” were spoken in the same sentence. The 13th Warrior changed all that. These guys were noble, likable and honorable. They fought hard, played hard and lived hard. They would give themselves their last rites before battle because they would fight to the death and there might not be anyone left alive to do it later. They didn’t charge into battle making a lot of noise–that was the Scots, apparently–they were like a SWAT team with swords. Since Marvel killed off Thor (and I can’t even blame Fabian for that) I need my bad-ass Norsemen fix. Conan’s pretty great, Red Sonja’s not too bad herself, but I can’t get around Bart Sears’ wildly inconsistent art on Warlord and I don’t think there’s much else to choose from in the barbarian hero genre. Besides, Antonio Banderas’ character is no where near critical, you could do without him if likeness rights were an issue. My creators: Roy Thomas with Crichton consulting and art by Leinil Yu. Leinil’s art has a regal dynamic to it. I suppose I would need to find him a background artist though, since Yu sometimes seems to suffer from Whilce Portacio Syndrome. Roy Thomas wrote some of the best Avengers and Conan comics of all time. He should be right up there with Stan and Jack when the topic of all-time greats of the industry comes up. I’m sure he could tell some outstanding tales of King Buliwyf and his noble band of warriors.

Bourne Identity – Grand high adventure and government sleeper agent intrigue! I can’t believe nobody’s doing this already. Robert Ludlum’s terrific character has already been featured in two movies with a third in pre-production planning already. Matt Damon is one of the few reasonably believable action stars Hollywood has produced in the last decade. I think a comic adaptation of the Ludlum series followed by original stories of Jason Bourne’s life before and after the novels could be a consistent seller and offer new possibilities for movie sequels. When you think about it, comics books are the first cousins of movie storyboards–the shot by shot pictures directors use for reference during the shooting of a movie. Comics are storyboards with the script cut up into word bubbles. And a Jason Bourne comic could practically be the blueprint for a new original film. I have long believed that American comics need a break from superheroes. There’s no reason non-superhero comics shouldn’t sell. A Jason Bourne comic could also be a great way to spawn completely original and cape-free books. It could be, in a nutshell, Sleeper without superpowers. And who do you suppose wrote Sleeper? I think Americans would be open to comics like this if a movie-base property led the way and I nominate Jason Bourne to lead that charge. Then again, anything would be better than Tom Cruise and Mission: Impossible. My creators: Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting. Steve’s doing a fabulous job, as always, drawing Captain America, and Ed has made Captain America more compelling than he’s been in years. I think some of the manipulations Jason Bourne has suffered have parallels to Bucky’s ordeal as the Winter Soldier. The more I think about it, I wonder if Ed drew any inspiration for Ludlum? And, oh yeah, Ed wrote Sleeper too!

National Treasure – I didn’t think I would like this flick at all. Nick Cage is just always so”¦Nick Cage. I mean, I liked Face/Off and The Rock (though The Rock doesn’t hold up particularly well) but I didn’t get all lathered up over Cage. And as best as I could tell, this movie was going to be a Disney-style Raider of the Lost Ark. But I am also a bit of a conspiracy theorist (which probably surprises nobody) and found the pull of a film that confronts the mystery of the Free Masons, even a Disney film, irresistible. And I really enjoyed it. Of course, it never hurts to have Sean Bean in your movie. The man is gold! He would have made a perfect John Constantine, though I didn’t hate Keanu’s portrayal at all. Jon Voight is always good and Diane Kruger is gorgeous. I impatiently await a sequel! And while I wait, I wouldn’t mind seeing what other conspiratorial mischief Ben Gates gets himself into. It would be a shame if this was a one-and-done movie instead of a franchise that could almost certainly get one if not two more films made before Harrison Ford, Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas get their acts together for Indian Jones IV. That’s the Roman numeral for 4, not the intravenous drip Harrison will have to carry with by the time it gets made. He almost looks older than Sean Connery. Everybody likes a good conspiracy, and a good adventure, and a loveable loser as the hero. National Treasure has all that. I could even see a comic series taking a whole different track, with all original characters, and I’d have no problem with that. It’s the kind of theme that lends itself well to short arcs with plenty of opportunities to create new characters. My creators: Warren Ellis and Tony Harris, with The Mignola on covers duty. Warren would probably sooner swallow a shotgun blast than write a Disney-related book, but I can’t think of anyone better to write about conspiracies right under our noses. Global Frequency, Planetary, Transmetropolitan–his bibliography is the perfect resume for the job. Tony Harris of Starman and Ex Machina fame seems comfortably adept at drawing books that don’t seem to have a lot of action sequences all of the time that somehow aren’t even slightly boring. And The Mignola? Just because he’s The Mignola. He can draw a Care Bears comic and I’ll buy 5 of them every month. Besides, would a National Treasure-Hellboy/B.P.R.D. crossover not rock?

Highlander – “Here we are! Born to be Kings! We’re the Princes of the Universe!” Everybody can find something they like in the Highlander mythos. Want more from Connor and Duncan Macleod of the Clan Macleod (I know, it sounds redundant but they say it all the time and they got swords under their coats, so who am I to argue)? Here you go. Want more of Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez, Chief Metallurgist to King Charles V of Spain? Yeah, who doesn’t? Here you go. Want more of the Kurgan, and Joe and Richie from the TV show? More of that guy who used to be in Fine Young Cannibals? More of Methos, the eldest Immortal? Damn skippy I do. Want some Cheesy-Poofs? Hells yeah I want Cheesy-Poofs! I want any excuse to pop the “It’s A Kind Of Magic” CD from Queen into my stereo while I read of secret societies, Immortals warring upon each other down through the centuries and beyond into the future. There was an animated series that took place in the future, focusing on a character called Quentin Macleod, but I never watched it and I don’t believe there’s been any kind of comic push for it previously. There no reason a Highlander comic shouldn’t do just as well as all the Hyborean (that’s Conan and Red Sonja for you non-Robert Howard types) comics today. And if there’s not enough money in the pockets of the consumers for Conan, Red Sonja, Warlord and Highlander? Well, those first three have all had series before, and in the end, there can be only one! It’s time to thrill to new adventures of Connor Macleod without fearing that Christopher Lambert will accidentally kill somebody on the set. My creators: I’m going to cop out just slightly here and go with Ron Marz and Luke Ross, famed for a variety of things but perfect for the job as demonstrated by Samurai: Heaven and Earth. A fun romp through the France of the Musketeers with a poignant splash of Japanese swordsmanship and honor. Look for the trade and think how easy it would be to have a couple of barbaric Immortal kilt-wearers in there. Oooh, how wonderful would some Cam Kennedy covers be!

Harry Potter – Oh my Odin! How did the comic industry not grab this bull by the horns with a handful of crazy glue? Freakin’ BILLIONS of people have read Harry Potter books. If a tenth of those bought a comic version, especially if they told new stories, maybe filling in the gaps in his life when he’s not at Hogwarts, it would outsell the rest of the Diamond Top 10 combined! I’m not ashamed to admit that I haven’t read a single page of the novels. Why? Simple, I don’t want to ruin the movies. I usually like the books more, so I’ll wait, enjoy the Hell out of the flicks, and then paint an even richer picture in my head of the world of Harry Potter as I read the books. And Just think, adapting the novels into comics could take several years alone! It’s guaranteed to work at least however many years it would take just to adapt Rowling’s material. After that, the desire for new stuff gives any smart publisher an audience bigger than those interested in Superman or Batman. They’ll buy ANYTHING with Harry Potte’s name on it. I know, there’s actually kinda sorta already a comic in this vein: Vertigo’s Books of Magic. And yeah, I know Tim Hunter was around first, or at least close to, and he’s a right English fellow wot sports roundish glasses and dabbles in the mystic and the arcane (and Daron, don’t edit “wot”, it’s a word in the English of England, ye bloody yankee wanker!). But he’s in a Vertigo book, and there’s a goodly number of retailers who don’t carry the line. It’s got some pretty dark tales that might spook the tots. But Mister Potter appeals to everybody. Even my father, the “Dungeons and Dragons is satanic” type, has read one of the books and seen at least the first two movies. This movie NEEDS to be converted to comics to draw new readers into the shops, and of course make Ms. Rowling richer than Oprah in the process. My creators: Neil Gaiman with Mark Buckingham and Steve Leialoha and covers by Charles Vess and Kevin Nowlan. Big money, no Whammy, STOP! Neil is of course one of the authors of the first Books of Magic miniseries and Vertigo’s Sandman, as well as several novels including the awesomely excellent American Gods. If anyone should be allowed to adapt Rowling, it’s Gaiman. Mark and Steve are artistic tandem on Fables, one of the most consistently good reads on the market today (well, the reading part is to Bill Willingham’s credit, but Mark and Steve do a beautiful job every issue making the world of Fabletown seem both tangible and fantastic). It’s my opinion that you can’t do a good fantasy book with out at least one Charles Vess cover, and I’m greedy so I say give him the job on a regular basis, with fill-ins by Kevin Nowlan, who I think would draw a really cool and menacing Professor Snape or Lord Voldemort.

So there you have it, a second straight positive/mostly positive column. Don’t get complacent, I’m working on a couple mean and meaty ones. Feel free to send me your Hollywood-To-Comic ideas and I’ll run a Mail Bag column if I get a good handful. With my luck, you people will send me messages about wanting to make comics out of Timeline, The Fifth Element and Freddy Got Fingered.

Welcome to my nightmare.