Being a wrestling recapper, as well as a member of IP, I guess it’s kind of mandatory that I post my WrestleMania thoughts.
1; Tag Titles. The wristlock by Carlito to Big Show was hilarious. I’m a bit annoyed that Carlito and Masters didn’t win the belts and that the Spirit Squad did (take this into consideration: I’m more macho than they are, and less annoying. Somehow), but it puts the Squad over more than a Tag title reign for Masters and Carlito would have. And I’d like to see the Spirit Squad swap the belts around between the five of them, with no specific Champions being crowned. But I liked the match, it was fun.
(NOTE: We ALL know why the Spirit Squad won the Tag Team titles. It wasn’t to get them over or to add another team to the division. It’s a f*cking popularity contest. And the Cheerleaders ALWAYS win the popularity contest.)
2; Money In The Bank. A different kind of good to last year’s. Anyone else notice how Shelton Benjamin is the only member of the MITB Club to have wrestled in both matches. I hope they keep this tradition alive, every WrestleMania have him as Intercontinental Champion and lose the MITB, until another major five hour WrestleMania.
(NOTE: We ALL know why Rob Van Dam won. The stoner’s always get the highest.)
3; Chris Benoit vs JBL. A lot better than I had expected, and a lot longer, and a lot less opening match. There’s not really anything else anyone can say about this match.
(NOTE: We ALL know why JBL won. Jillian Hall lost her mole, they needed something big to replace it with. Speaking of Jillian Hall by the way, me and my friend noticed something. You could advertise Goodyear on that chest.)
4; Foley Vs Edge. Duh. If THIS doesn’t make Edge legitimate, then there’s only one thing they can do . . put these two in the ring again.
(NOTE: We ALL know why Edge won . . . and I quote, “why not?”.)
5; Handi-Cap Match. This was worth it just to see the freak segment that proceeded it. Admit it. This entire match was worth it. You loved it.
(NOTE: . . . Admit it. You got turned on by OphraDust too.)
6; Women’s Championship. I’m saying this in the most simple way I can; this was the best wrestling match that was hot ever. Would you ever see Benoit and Angle do something like the “Crutch Grab Finger Lick”? Hell no. But, then again, neither’s really all that attractive. But that was HOT.
(NOTE: Still gay. Very, very gay)
7; Casket Match. Like I said before; so long as it didn’t go past 10 minutes then it would be perfectly fine for me. Compared to what this could have been thank your lucky starts it was what it was.
(NOTE: I’m seriously shocked that the Piledriver didn’t break Mark Henry’s neck. A tombstone on a man his size is easily f*cked up, let’s not forget.)
8; No Holds Barred. I know I’m not in the majority here, but I hated this match. Why? Watch Velocity – with some random WWE Contracted wrestler taking on a guy with a job for one night – add some weapons, add about 50 years combined worth of age, make it twenty minutes long, and you’ve got the squash match forever known as Shawn Michaels Vs Vince McMahon. This wasn’t even Vince McMahon Vs Zack Gowen in my books. However, none the less, it was fun for what it was.
(NOTE: Does God wear tights?)
9; Triple Threat. Yeah, I know I’m in the majority here, far too shot and not really all that it could have been. I love moments where it’s Finisher after Finisher and so on, but not when that’s the entire match and especially considering the context . . you know . . World Heavy Weight Championship. WrestleMania.
(NOTE: Don’t worry, only two more notes to go.)
10; Playboy Pillow Fight. Much like the Casket Match, this was a lot better than I had expected it to be. Torrie Wilson performing a suplex isn’t something you see everyday. And Candice Michelle isn’t terrible in the ring (compared to what she could have been. Compared to what she once was.).
(NOTE: I’ve never understood the idea of having a bed in the ring, but at least they used it to some degree.)
11; WWE Championship. Can I add anything to this match that hasn’t already been said? Nothing at all. So I’ll just say what I think: Lesnar and Goldberg thought THEY were embarrassed at WrestleMania? I’m surprised Cena didn’t break down. It’s pretty obvious now that the WWE Creative Team wants us to bleed a stone before they get the title of Cena. That’s okay. It’ll be more memorable when he does lose the title.
(NOTE: I suppose the WWE didn’t notice my theory. Hm.)
And on a sad note, I have been sick as sick can be … okay, not plague sick or anything, but still pretty sick, this week. It’s such a shame, I rarely get sick but when I do get sick, f*ck do I get sick. And it’s ALWAYS a headcold with a sore throat. And it didn’t help tonight when the DVD with SmackDown on it didn’t show up on the computer I was intending to write it on, but still showed up on my DVD Player. That so wasn’t the scare I needed, to think that my DVD Recorder still hated me.
SmackDown video package opens us up, not sure if it was the same one as before but it’s still pretty much the same as it anyways. And up tonight we’ve got Undertaker Vs Mark Henry, and Rey Mysterio defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Randy Orton.
Opening Contest: Hooliganz verses MNM with Melina
While doing her split legged entrance, Hooliganz come from out back and spin Melina around a bit, therefore making so many of you hetero blokes and lesbian chicks jealous. This leads to a brawl on the outside which the Hooliganz win. I dunno, I still feel a bit iffy about the name. Kendrick and London separate Nitro from Mecury, keeping Nitro in the ring for a double team elbow and keeping Mercury outside before Kendrick goes to his corner and it is London and Nitro, before London tags out to Kendrick. Ugh, one point automatically deducted. London and Kendrick get a double team hiptoss on Nitro and nail stero kicks to the chest and back while he’s down getting Kendrick a two count. Nitro gets some kicks into Kendrick and picks him up, irish whip into the corner is reversed by Kendrick with a headscissors, nicely done. “Nice dropkick” says Cole about a Kendrick dropkick, and I couldn’t agree more, which gets Kendrick a two count. Kendrick gets a headlock in which leads to the irish whip segment (which we all know I hate, and because I’m sick, it means I’m deducting another point) which then leads into Melina tripping Kendrick. Nice trip by Melina actually, before her and Mercury slam Kendrick onto the mats. I didn’t know Melina had that much strength in her, you go girl! Nitro gets a two count. Nitro nails some kicks to the gut before tagging out to Mercury. Mercury gets the reverse bearhug and Kendrick, from the middle of the ring, tries for the tag. Dumbass. Mercury forces Kendrick in the corner before Kendrick gets in an elbow and tries to tag London in, but Nitro quickly stops it by running in and kneeing Kendrick before throwing him outside. That wasn’t very nice of him, nor was it very nice for Melina to rake the eyes. Nitro drags Kendrick into the ring and Mercury nails a fall forward suplex onto the top rope for a two count, before reapplying the reverse bear hug. Tag out to Nitro. MNM whip Kendrick into the corner chest first and BANSHEE TIME! This is getting really old, really quickly, with my really big headache. Nitro nails his ballet legdrop on Kendrick for a two count before spearing Kendrick into MNM’s corner. Kendrick begins to mount a comeback with some elbows and gets a small package after reversing a suplex attempt by Nitro, the small package gets Kendrick only a one count thanks to Mercury distracting the referee. Cole calls it to be “at least a five count”. Someone needs to watch Sesame Street and brush up on their counting. Nitro gets a few stomps to Kendrick and nails some knees to the gut – with Cole calling Nitro Nunzio – before nailing a russian leg sweep and BANSHEE SEQUEL TIME . . and why the f*ck am I putting in caps for? Hm, I’m weird. Nitro gets a two count. Nitro blatantly chokes Kendrick at the ropes, breaking it before the five count, before Melina secretly kicks Kendrick in the head. That’s what we need more of – kick ass managers. Kendrick tries to nail a few kicks to Nitro, but Nitro drags Kendrick to his corner anyways and tags out to Mercury. Double team legdrop – Mercury to the throat, Nitro to the groin, gets Mercury a two count. Another two count. Another two count. And another two count. I’ve never understood that philosophy, never, which is why Raw 2 was so wasted on me. I could get 45, maybe, 58 pinfalls within two minutes? Tag to Nitro, and Mercury gets Kendrick in a backbreaker position and Nitro gets an over the rope elbow drop onto Kendrick. Nice. Another Banshee Moment (NO CAPS . . oh, damn!) by Melina gets Nitro a two count, broken by London. Nitro gets a reverse headlock and Kendrick flips Nitro over and tags to London but wouldn’t you know it? The referee was distracted by Mercury! Who saw that coming? One point down the toilet. The referee stops London attacking Nitro which allows Mercury to come on in and him and Nitro stomp away on Kendrick. MNM go for a double team back body drop, but Kendrick flips over and does some gymnastics over to tag out to London. London elbows down Mercury, elbows down Nitro. Punches out Mercury then Nitro. Dropkicks! Irish whip sends Mercury into Nitro and back into a kick by London for a two, broken by Nitro. London gets a dropsault, kicking Nitro and pinning Mercury for a two count. Suplex reversed by Mercury, but London gets behind Mercury who elbows London and gets behind London, Mercury runs the two into the ropes – London holds on and Mercury rolls back, and Nitro drops London’s neck on the top rope, and London stumbles back into a school boy from Mercury for a two count! Snapshot set up by MNM, but Kendrick takes down Nitro! Nitro rolls out of the ring and Kendrick jumps over the rope and takes down Nitro with a clothesline while London gets Mercury with a sunset flip for ALMOST a three! Kendrick is sent into the security rail by Nitro and Mercury gets a headbutt to the stomach of London. London gets the upper hand quickly, however, and goes up top for the London Calling! Melina distracts the referee, while Nitro comes and pushes London off the turnbuckle. Mercury trips London, Kendrick runs in and knocks Nitro out of the ring, and London gets a small package for the victory!
Winners: Hooliganz
Okay, well, I deducted three points, why? For those who have been following London and Kendricks tag team matches then you’ve certainly realized the little formula they’ve developed, with the difference being that this week they run a match with it, let alone the sheer stupidity with London and Kendrick’s first move in the actual match being a tag pretty much. Still pretty darnged good none the less, and it got the crowd warmed up like nothing else. 5 out of 10. Though don’t let this turn you off the match.
Backstage, Booker T and Sharmell reveals to Teddy Long that he’s gotten a restraining order against the Boogeyman. 100 feet. And if he comes within 100 feet, then Booker will sue SmackDown. Nice moment, when Sharmell whips out the contract, Booker T goes “BAM!” and Sharmell’s got the movements to match it. Classic. Long looks kind of sad when he gets the restraining order for Boogeyman but, then again, wouldn’t you?
“Rey Mysterio’s Road To The Championship” Video, covering the Royal Rumble. Meh, nothing we havn’t seen 37 times beforehand.
Commercials.
Sharmell and Booker T make their entrance, with Sharmell doing her best Praying Mantis and Queen impressions.
Second Contest: Booker T with Sharmell verses Gunner Scott
Gunner Scott isn’t all that good looking, for those that give a damn. Booker takes Scott down quickly. Lock up and Booker gets a hammerlock into headlock into irish whip, with Booker get a shoulder block. Scott with a drop toe hold to Booker. Lock up and Booker gets some knees to the gut of Scott and gets a scoop slam, followed by a rear choke hold. Scott gets Booker up into an arm drag, some punches, and gets poked in the eye by Booker. Suplex reversed by Scott but Booker gets a superkick to the jaw of Scott. Chop by Booker T, irish whip into forearm smash by Booker T, but Scott begins to get some right hands! Off the ropes and Scott runs into a Spinebuster by Booker, who begins to pose – and the Boogeyman’s music begins to play! Scott gets a roll up with bridge on Booker and gets the victory!
Winner: Gunner Scott
Certainly didn’t see that victory coming. Long comes out from backstage and announces that Boogeyman’s music playing was a miss-cue, before reminding everyone that the winner of the match was . . Gunther Scott. Wait, is it Gunner or Gunther?! Meh, either way, 3 out of 10.
Still to come: Undertaker verses Mark Henry!
Another Rey Mysterio video. This time covering No Way Out and Mysterio being announces as a part of the WrestleMania Triple Threat Match.
Still to come: Randy Orton verses Rey Mysterio for the World Heavy Weight Championship!
Commercials.
Recap of Gunner Scott defeating Booker T.
Gunner Scott’s backstage and gets congratulated, intensely, by Chris Benoit.
Simon Dean begins making his way out, but doesn’t even get to the ring before Chris Benoits music hits.
Third Contest: Simon Dean verses Chris Benoit
Remember what Simon Dean was doing this time last year? The events after WrestleMania? Getting his ass kicked by Stone Cold Steve Austin. Dean tries to run over Benoit with the scooter thing, but Benoit knocks him off. Wow, it’s almost right out of an action film. Benoit gets some knees to the gut of Dean before pushing him in the ring. Benoit slams Dean into the corner and gets some punches in, before a snap suplex in the middle of the ring. Chop, punch, and knee by Benoit is followed by a back body suplex. Running elbow drop to Dean by Benoit. Irish whip on Dean is followed by a kitchen sink knee. Scoop slam and another elbow drop, this time missing. Dean tries to get some offence in, but only really gets to rake his eyes before nailing some punches and getting a bulldog on Benoit. Some knees to the head of Benoit before Dean locks in a headlock. Dean gets some elbows in too. Suplex by Dean for a two count, before Dean locks in a Cobra Slutch, musn’t be very effective because Benoit escapes. Triple Germans to Dean turns out only to be two before Benoit locks in the Crippler Crossface for the victory.
Winner: Chris Benoit
Following the match, a pro-US video plays, and he invites us all to his celebration next week. Perfect video, with the narrator trying to get a JBL chant going. Perfect video, I repeat. 3 out of 10 because the match wasn’t terrible or anything. But still rather, you know.
Up next: the World Heavy Weight Championship!
Commercials.
Rey Mysterio video of Rey winning the belt at WrestleMania.
Backstage, Randy orton is hyping himself up when Kurt Angle comes in and is acting all intense and stuff – I don’t mean to sound like a stereotype right now, but when the camera zooms out, tell me if you notice Orton’s crutch a bit more than usual. It’s weird. Anyways. Orton’s all “I’m gonna be champion”, and Angle nails him with the biblical bitch slap and Orton runs off like a little girlie girlie girl while Angle yells “YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!” . . . Rightio.
Orton makes his entrance, which obviously means . . .
Commercials.
Fourth Contest: World Heavy Weight Championship: Randy Orton verses Rey Mysterio (Champion)
Eddie chant, obviously starts us off. The two delay for a little while. Another Eddie chant continues. Now they’re just doing it because’s it’s somehow cool. Dunno how, but it is. Lock up and Orton takes Mysterio into the corner and towers over hi. Orton shoves Mysterio, and Mysterio shoves Orton back, and Orton is all like “OH NO HE DIDN’T GIIIIIRRL!” . . Alright, so, he isn’t exactly all like that but you know what I meant. Another lock up and Mysterio gets a headlock, needing to ground Orton so he doesn’t pick him up, taking Orton down with a headlock slam but Orton gets Msterio with a headscissors. Mysterio gets out of it and Orton gets him straight back into a headlock, irish whip and shoulder to Mysterio for a quick count. Mysterio gets a kick to the face of Orton, but Orton is quick to get the advantage back with a club to Mysterio. Orton takes Mysterio into the corner and whips him into the opposite corner, Mysterio flips over a running Orton, who is quick to get on his knees and get Mysterio with an uppercut. Hm, kind of weird seeing someone need to kneel down for an uppercut, you’d think Orton would just punch him down or something. Orton gets a two count. Rear choke hold applied by Orton. Mysterio gets to his feet and escapes the headlock, but his bodyscissors bulldog fails when Orton slams him down onto the mat, one count follows and the Rear choke is reapplied. Mysterio back to his feet and is about to reach the ropes, but Orton clubs him down. Orton with an irish whip, but Mysterio gets a headscissors! One of those ones that’s like a carousel on drugs. Orton gets set up for the 619, but Orton lays down and rolls out of the ring and Mysterio nailing a swinging baseball slide through the second and bottom ropes, before nailing a Seated Senton from the top rope to the outside. Mysterio gets a two count, in the ring . . pinfall. Mysterio gets a ten punch in the corner, and decides to add to it, with the fans counting along to another ten count. Orton reverses the irish whip and gets the necbkreaker for a two. Nicely done. Orton puts a Rear Hold, Tazz making sure to remind us that he’s putting all his weight and strength into it, and of course the fans begin chanting Eddie. Mysterio tries to escape, but Orton slams Mysterio back onto the mat for a two, keeping the forearm on the face, and reapplies the rear choke. Mysterio tries to get to the ropes, Orton drags him back into the ring and clubs him a bit. Orton with an irish whip and Mysterio holds onto the ropes, big boots to the face of Orton, and Mysterio goes to jump off the apron into the ring but Orton dropkicks Mysterio out of the ring!
Commercials.
We’re back with Mysterio in a sleeper hold with bodyscissors to Mysterio but Myterio gets to the ropes. Mysterio in the corner goes for a headscissors, but Orton simply slams him down face first for a two count. Orton mounts Mysterio’s back and locks in a sleeper hold (you thought I was going to say something dirty, didn’t you?) but Mysterio obviously almost fan favorites out of it. THIS TIME Mysterio reverses an irish whip and Orton holds onto the ropes, with Mysterio slamming down into the canvas after a dropkick attempt, as opposed to the rest of the match which was the other way around. Orton goes up top with a elbow drop, but Mysterio gets a foot up to Orton’s throat. Doesn’t work as well as usual, whenever that does work, because you can always tell when they’re going to get the feet up. They should ban that move. Orton “magically” ends up on the second rope and Mysterio misses the attempt at a 619 because he’s TOO DAMN SLOW, idiot, and nails some kicks and chops to Orton. Irish whip and Mysterio gets a springboard and lands onto Orton with the bodyscissors bulldog, nicely done with the springboard, for a two count. Mysterio gets the Seated Senton, dropkick to the back of a sitting down Orton’s head, for a two count. Orton gets a eye poke, followed by an irish whip, which allows Mysterio to get a Lionsault onto Orton and after about three seconds Orton just falls, though it looked like he might reverse it. It was a bit weird. Mysterio gets a two count, almost three. Apparently Mysterio nailed a DDT from the Lionsault, though I didn’t see it. Mysterio goes up top and goes for a Crossody but Orton gets a dropkick to Mysterio’s gut, and Mysterio gets his foot on the rope just before the three count. Orton begins to get ready for the RKO, which is one of my favorite ways to set up for a finisher, and instead ends up tapping on Mysterio’s shoulder – but Mysterio gets a spinning heel kick and knocks Orton down! Orton gets a kick to the gut and sets up for his falling neckbreaker but Mysterio falls behind, goes into the ropes, and comes back into a clothesline by Orton into a two count. Orton gets Mysterio in the corner, nails a right, and irish whip into the corner. Orton takes a run at Mysterio but Mysterio runs out of the way and Orton goes into the steelpole! Orton gets a breather at the ropes, while Mysterio nails a 619 using the steelpole! Mysterio nails another 619! Mysterio up top with a leg drop for the victory!
Winner and STILL Champion: Rey Mysterio
Pretty good. Nice psychology, and I loved the continuity with the ropes. Ten out of Ten. Though, I might be one of the few who would rate it that highly, I still stand by my rating.
Still to come: Undertaker verses Mark Henry.
Commercials.
Palmer Cannon says that . . wait, Palmer Cannon is still alive?! Anyways. Palmer Cannon that the views and commentary expressed in the following bla bla bla, you’ve seen a DVD yeah? Insert that thing at the beginning here.
Mike The Miz video. Mike throws Water Balloons at the cars below and continues to have fun around the WWE Studios, and takes a Pilates Class. Man, I can’t wait for him to debut, it’s going to be so fun.
Recap of Mysterio retaining the Championship.
Kristal interviews Mysterio backstage. She looks terrible with her hair, though she’s improved literally out of nowhere. I suppose the nerves are gone and stuff. Mysterio thanks everyone, and then thanks his family. As though he hadn’t done beforehand like a good family guy would have. Instead he has to wait to do it.
Backstage, Regal runs into Sinbad Burchill. Regal offers him a suit and wants to forget the entire thing of Burchill as a Pirate. Burchill admits it’s a lot of fun, with Regal being as sarcastic as possible the entire time in the British dry wit humor. Burchill brings up his current undefeated streak, as opposed to Regal’s current losing streak. Threats and stuff are exchanged, before the two decide to make a stipulation for the next match. Whoever wins gets to choose the loser’s clothing. Burchill reveals that Regal will make quite the wrench, and Regal covers his nipple in response. Classic.
Commercials.
Fifth Contest: William Regal verses Paul Burchill
The fans are really getting behind Burchill, don’t you think? Lock up to start and the two take it into the corners, with Burchill getting the advantage. Regal with a headbutt by Burchill gets am armdrag. Regal with some elbows, Burchill with some forearms. Regal gets an elbow to the gut of Burchill followed by a headlock, Burchill pushes Regal into the ropes and gets a shoulder back toss for a two. Uppercut by Burchill, kick to the gut by Regal followed by another uppercut. The two exchange uppercuts and Burchill gets the advantage, knocking Regal down for a two. Irish whip and Regal gets a Half Nelson Suplex onto Burchill. Nice. Regal with some elbows and knees to the head of Burchill before slamming him face first onto the mat, following up with an uppercut at the apron, and then kicking Burchill’s head into the steel pole. Back in the ring and Regal gets a one count, and three others. Another Raw 2 moment. Regal gets a knee to the face of Burchill, but Burchill begins nailing some punches to the gut. Regal gets a headlock in but Burchill nails a back body suplex. Regal gets a knee to the gut, fails the running knee and Burchill out of nowhere nails the C-4 for the victory!
Winner: Paul Burchill
Well, on the upside, it’s not as though Regal hasn’t dressed in drag beforehand. I remember him on the Raw Roulette episode in drag and he looked pretty good for an old drag queen. By pretty good I mean not as tragic as most old drag queens do. Seven out of Ten.
Commercials.
Teddy Long announces he’s bringing back the King Of The Ring Tournament! Long announces the first match to be Kurt Angle verses . . . Randy Orton. Kurt Angle continues his earlier comments of “YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!” . . . Geez, what’s in his drink tonight? Even RVD had more of a vocab when he was teaming with Kane.
Mark Henry makes his entrance. Mark Henry makes a speech. Mark Henry makes a Sweater in the ring using just the Force. Yeah, okay, not true, but still . . Much like last week, Mark Henry’s improved on the microphone. He’d perfectly suit a Preacher Gimmick with how he speaks, don’t you think?
Commercials.
Oh, it’s an Opening Round Match . . . Wait, is that Quarter Final or what?! Either way, the full brackets will be on WWE.com this weekend.
Main Event: The Undertaker verses Mark Henry
Henry tries to attack Taker from behind, but Taker moves and pummels away on Henry. Henry gets an elbow to Taker and gets a clothesline. Headbutt by Henry and Henry nails a punch, before choking Taker at the corner. Irish whip into the opposing corner and Taker gets a big boot, and some punches before nailing Old School. Taker goes for the STO but Henry slams him down for a two count. Kick to the gut by Henry and Henry follows up with a headbutt in the corner. Irish whip by Henry and Taker gets the flying lariat before Taker big boots Henry out of the ring. Taker slams Henry’s face into the steps before sliding Henry’s body into the ring, head on the apron, and nails Henry’s neck with an elbow before nailing the leg drop. Henry slides out of the ring as Daivari begins making his way down to the ring with Dalip! Wow, he really is big! Very stone like face, and Dalip is even taller than Taker! Taker nails two right hands, but Dalip chops Taker down . . right. Taker sits back up but Dalip grabs him by the throat – and tears the turnbuckle pad! Sweet! Dalip slams Taker’s head into the steel, headbutts to the back of the head in the middle of the ring. Dalip kicks Taker right in the head and poses over him. Wow, he’s massive, they should have had him play Juggernaut instead of Vinnie Jones (that is his name, right?). Dalip and Daivari posing over Taker finishes the show.
Winner: No Contest . . I suppose.
Well, I can’t really rate the ending match, since t wasn’t really anything at all . . just a way for Dalip to debut. Though since it WAS a match, I’m sorry guys, -3 out of 10. Though I could still watch it none the less! So our SmackDown this week is;
Hooliganz vs MNM: 5 / 10
Booker T vs Gunner Scott: 3 / 10
Chris Benoit vs Simon Dean: 3 / 10
Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio: 10 / 10
William Regal vs Paul Burchill: 7 / 10
Undertaker vs Mark Henry: -3 / 10
SmackDown 7 / 04 / 06: 25 / 60
Nothing anything, you know, this week, though nobody really expects much from the post WrestleMania show do they now? Until Velocity, ciao y’all!
