Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
I’ve officially decided to resume the S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team. Warren Woo, if you’re reading this, get your ass back here, otherwise we’re going to fire Gregory Wind, and it shouldn’t have to come to that.
Notice that the Pulsemeter’s been pretty up-to-date lately? That’s ALL me. Is it true what they say about the Mexicans doing all of the jobs that nobody else wants to do?
Widro’s birthday was this week. Fingers started a thread in the writer forums (as expected), Tom D’Errico added his two cents (as expected), and Gordi Whitelaw, we want you back in music. If you don’t come back to this section, we’re going to fire Gregory Wind, and nobody wants that, except maybe that cad Ryan Closs, who’s all but poised to take over that coveted #5 reviewer spot.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (ONE-WORD EXCLAMATION EDITION)
In the next edition of The Saturday Swindle Sheet, we’ll begin the epic MAY MADNESS series. Until then, here are one-word exclamations…
NEWS TO USE
Marion “Suge” Knight filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Tuesday, for both himself and Death Row Records, claiming that while he and the label have a net worth of less than $10 million, his debts have exceeded $100 million. The decision was apparently made after a judgement against Knight for $107 million, as his former business associates Lydia and Michael Harris were suing him after claiming that they helped him start his rap empire, but never received any compensation. While Knight claims that the bankruptcy is because he can’t afford the amount in the ruling, Lydia Harris’ attorney argues that Knight makes several millions of dollars each month in royalties. Knight was supposed to lose the Death Row Records company in the ruling, but after filing Chapter 11, he was able to dodge that bullet, and is still able to operate it. Plus, he was possibly looking at jail time for contempt after failing to show up in court, but his attorney claimed that he was never subpoenaed, so the judge ruled that he is not guilty of contempt. When a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet caught up with Suge Knight to ask him about the Chapter 11 filing, he said, “I’m not Suge Knight, I’m actor James Avery, who played Uncle Phil in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! But if you really want, I guess I can stab you with a fork or something.”
Just a few months after remarrying his former ex-wife, Kim Mathers, Eminem has reportedly filed paperwork for a divorce. His report states that “[t]here has been a breakdown in the marriage relationship to the extent that the objects of matrimony have been destroyed and there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved.” Since the two filled out a prenuptial agreement prior to their re-marriage on Jan. 14, their property will be divided according to the specifics of the agreement. Shit, I’ve really got nothing here. This story is just a big turd. It’s times like this that I wish I hadn’t retired the 50 Cent Looks Like jokes.
Thomas Dolby said in his blog on Wednesday that professional piece of shit-turned-rapper Kevin Federline illegally used his 1983 song, “She Blinded Me With Science,” as a backdrop for his new song, “America’s Most Hated.” The beat was actually aped from Mobb Depp, who got clearance for it for, “Got It Twisted,” off of their 2004 album, Amerikaz Nightmare. “Mobb Deep came to me and asked for a license … We issue licenses all the time, for movies and TV shows and so on. I was aware of the Mobb Deep one, but I certainly never issued a license to Kevin Federline,” Dolby said. “[He shouldn’t be able to] just take a very well-known piece of music and add [his] own vitriolic rap over the top of it and get away with it … If anybody’s going to sing nasty lyrics over my music, it’s going to be me.” Federline may have thought he could use the sample without much repercussion because Mobb Deep’s label, Jive Records, is home to Federline’s wife Britney Spears, who reportedly has more sway than Ryan T. Murphy. However, he probably didn’t consider Dolby, who, after finding out that the Federline song was recently played on VH1, will more than likely be seeking legal action. “It’s airing on TV, and there’s no question it’s taken from the Mobb Deep record,” Dolby added. “It’s like what Vanilla Ice did with ‘Ice Ice Baby,’ although I think Vanilla Ice is a superstar compared to this guy.” OUCH!! Kevin Federline’s album, Playing With Fire, is scheduled for an August release. Since M(S^2) is actually our resident venom-spitter re Kevin Federline, I’ll let him have this one and run with it, and simply add that Kevin Federline sucks at life, and that Coca-Cola Blak is terrible.
The People’s Republic of China has decided to uphold the decision to keep the Rolling Stones from performing four songs when they play for the first time in the country, in Shanghai, on Saturday. The decree was made in 2003, when the band was originally supposed to debut there, but that concert was scrapped due to the SARS outbreak. Authorities said that due to their suggestive lyrics, “Brown Sugar”, “Honky Tonk Women”, “Beast of Burden”, and “Let’s Spend the Night Together” would need to be left off of the band’s prospective set list, as ruled in 2003. Also added to the list was another song from the band’s latest album, A Bigger Bang, which is presumed to be “Rough Justice”. “We kind of expected that. We didn’t expect to come to China and not be censored,” Mick Jagger told reporters at a press conference on Friday. “Fortunately, we have 400 more songs that we can play, so it’s not really an issue. … [I’m just] pleased that the Ministry of Culture is protecting the morals of the expat bankers and their girlfriends that are going to be coming.” He then chuckled to himself and was promptly beaten by military police.
Gene Pitney was found dead in a hotel room in Cardiff, Wales, on Wednesday morning. The 65-year-old singer, who was said to be in good health by family and friends, seemed as if he had passed away in his sleep, having just performed a concert for his British tour. According to a post-mortem examination performed on Thursday, it was ruled that the singer’s death was due to natural causes.
Former Van Halen singer David Lee Roth recently told reporters that although he’s gotten a lot of static from CBS Radio executives for his morning radio show (which replaced Howard Stern in some markets), he doesn’t plan on quitting, saying that he’s “invested too much in [the] show.” Roth was forced over the past week to get rid of three on-air personalities from the show, along with background music, after being threatened with “termination or disciplinary action.” When asked what this meant for the show, Roth told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “Hey, at least I’m not Gary Cherone.”
Singer/American Idol judge Paula Abdul filed a police report on Tuesday night with Hollywood police, claiming that she was assaulted at a private party by a man that she apparently knew. Abdul reportedly sustained a concussion and spinal injuries after the as-of-yet-unnamed assailant grabbed her by the arm and slammed her up against a wall. As of Thursday night, no charges had been filed, and Abdul would not allow police to photograph her injuries, saying that she would return at a later date.
Enrique Iglesias has been served with a lawsuit alleging assault, battery, and malicious prosecution, by paparazzo Angel Mora, of Miami, who claims that he and his pregnant wife, Celia Oliviera, were roughed up by Iglesias’ bodyguards in August 2002. According to the report, the two were taking photos of Iglesias and Anna Kournikova at a restaurant when the singer ordered his bodyguards to grab their cameras, and as they did so they struck Mora and his wife, who gave birth four days later. Mora also claims that Iglesias and his bodyguards lied to police to get the two arrested, although the singer’s pending criminal charges were later dropped. Why in the f*ck would you have your pregnant wife (four days away from giving birth) taking photos of celebrities? Shouldn’t she be resting, or eating chocolate-covered anchovies or something less confrontational? On the other hand, Enrique Iglesias should have his ass kicked. I proclaim this one a draw.
Hank Williams Jr., who had had an arrest warrant issued on Monday over the assault of a 19-year-old waitress last month, surrendered to Memphis police on Tuesday. According to Williams’ attorney, the woman had reportedly sent Williams a letter asking for “an outlandish amount of money,” and after he refused to respond to it, the arrest warrant was issued. The entire suit stems from an incident at a Memphis-area restaurant, when Williams had tried to kiss the waitress, and when she refused, he lifted her up off the ground by her throat, spiked her on the ground, and shouted, “Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?!!!” [Editor’s note: Some of the preceding story may have been fabricated.]
Damon Albarn told reporters for the BBC on Tuesday that chances are that Gorillaz will be splitting up, as the concept has seemingly gone as far as he wants to take it. “At the moment we’re like, that’s probably the last album we make, I don’t think we could make a better album than Demon Days really, for what this is and how it works,” Albarn said. Moreover, it has been speculated that Albarn is putting the kibosh on the Gorillaz project because he and Blur bassist Alex James have been in talks to start up that band again for the first time since 2003.
Quick Bits
Radiohead has put out an official statement warning fans in Britain that a July 8 concert announced for the Somerset House in London is a hoax, and not to send money to any organization claiming such. The band does have a real tour coming up in May, however, and all of those dates have been confirmed by the band.
Snoop Dogg announced on Tuesday that he has reunited with former Tha Dogg Pound mates Kurupt and Daz Dillinger, and the group will release a new album on Koch’s Doggy Style Records, scheduled for June 27.
Rapper Bubba Sparxxx recently told reporters that he wants to be known for his lyrical skills, and not as a “total goof.” Oops… too late.
Tom Jones was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II last Wednesday. So was my cock! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Pharrell Williams will have some sort of a cameo on the Velvet Revolver’s upcoming album, while Scott Weiland will appear on Pharrell’s upcoming album. Has the world gone absolutely mad?
Despite a large diamond ring that she’s been recently wearing, which was believed to be an engagement ring from boyfriend Bow Wow, singer Ciara has broken up with him, according to her agent. When asked why she decided to end the relationship, she told reporters that she’d regained her eyesight.
The first show for this year’s OzzFest has been moved up from July 1 in San Francisco, to June 29, in Auburn, Washington. Already confirmed for the festival are System of a Down, Disturbed, Lacuna Coil, and Atreyu. Hopefully, this is the year that Jack Osbourne gets horribly deformed by pyro.
Wind-Up Records and MySpace are teaming up for a contest in which one unsigned MySpace band will receive $10,000 to professionally record one of their songs, to be featured on the soundtrack for and in the movie John Tucker Must Die. Plus, they will get a chance to personally meet the skateboarding dog.
Jessica Simpson is being sued by Tarrant Apparel Group, who is citing breach of contract, as they claim that the singer did not properly promote a clothing line that they teamed up with her to create. The company is asking for $100 million and a roll in the hay.
That Michael Bublé cover of The Drifters’ “Save the Last Dance for Me” is one of the most contrived, boring pieces of tripe I have ever heard in my entire life. It sounds like he’s reading off of a f*cking cue card. If anyone out there sees him, kick him in the balls for me.
Osaka Popstar (comprised of Jerry Only and John Cafiero of Misfits, Marky Ramone, Dez Cadena of Black Flag, and Ivan Julian of The Voidoids) will be releasing its debut album on May 23.
Harvey Warren, drummer for Broken Toyz, a Canadian Mötley Crüe cover band, filled in for an injured Tommy Lee (who is suffering from tendonitis in his right hand) during the band’s show in Red Deer, Alberta, on Wednesday. The band said that Warren did really well, but that his normal-sized cock “just wasn’t the same.”
Def Leppard will be touring this upcoming summer, starting June 23 in Camden, N.J., in support of a new cover album, called Yeah!. It will feature covers of songs by David Bowie, Thin Lizzy, T. Rex, Sweet, Badfinger, Anal Cunt, and Mott the Hoople.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Underground Inc…
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ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on iTunes as I wrote this week’s column…
Erasure, “Take a Chance on Me”
Foo Fighters, “Monkey Wrench”
Nine Inch Nails, “Head Like a Hole”
Beck, “Sexx Laws”
Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons, “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)”
Gene Loves Jezebel, “Kiss of Life”
Led Zeppelin, “Over the Hills and Far Away”
Martha Reeves & the Vandellas, “Nowhere to Run”
Dilated Peoples, “The Platform”
Atari Teenage Riot, “Fuck All!”
Santa Esmeralda, “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood”
MDFMK, “Now”
Babes in Toyland, “Sweet ’69”
Anything Box, “Living in Oblivion”
Van Halen, “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”
Joy Division, “Incubation”
Sniff ‘N’ the Tears, “Driver’s Seat”
The B-52s, “Private Idaho”
Consolidated, “Brutal Equation”
The Living End, “Roll On”
Cypress Hill, “Insane in the Brain”
Jay-Z, “Can I Get a…” [f/Amil and the Catfish]
Starsailor, “Alcoholic”
2Pac, “Hit ’em Up” [f/Tha Outlawz]
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Harraj Mann, a 23-year-old British citizen of Indian descent, was escorted off of a London-bound BMI Airlines flight at Durham Tees Valley, in Darlington, in northeast England, and questioned last Thursday after Special Branch received information that implicated him to be a security threat. Mann was eventually released after being questioned and cleared as a threat, although he did end up missing his flight. So what does this have to do with music, you ask? It was later discovered that the person who notified the Special Branch (Britain’s homeland security department) was the cabbie who had driven Mann to the airport. Apparently, Mann had plugged his MP3 player into the taxi’s stereo system, and the driver became suspicious after he began singing along to “London Calling,” by The Only Band That Matters,” specifically getting hot and bothered by the lyrics, “Now war is declared, and battle come down.” Mann, who was “bemused” by the entire incident, added that he had also been listening and singing along to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles during the trip.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Kyle David Paul on Monday, followed by the rest of the weekly lineup. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova(r) in the sky.
Cheers
-JF2k6!
