My name is Iain Burnside and I write the Anti-Pulse. Well, except for last week when el eagero beavero Will Cooling filled my slot… or at least considered it whilst covering my gap… or perhaps even pondered that as he stormed my section… or… well, you get the idea. My idea is that I shouldn’t have typed ‘well’ two times in quick succession but, well, you know, I like it. I like it well.
Thank you, Will.
Will has been busy doing a four-part feature for us in the Comics Nexus over the past couple of months on the extraordinary British artist Brian Bolland. Click here for the first part and just keep going. There should also be more funky Nexus Files articles in due course. Unless Will decides to go and hide himself in the Politics section again, where none may dare tread.
Secondly, I have to do what every other worthwhile wrestling column on the internet has been (or should be) doing, which is putting in a copy of this photo…
Conan the Camp? Genghiz Cohen the Gaseous Cockslayer? Druss the Dribbling?
I’m all out of fantasy barbarian types but, really, the jokes about a man dressing like that to make his ring entrance just go without saying. Let’s not forget the true humour of this, which is that Triple H actually thought he looked cool and not like some bloated Santa Claus from an S&M club in Amsterdam. You can just imagine the backstage conversations on the day of the show.
RVD – “Hey Hunter, since I’m gonna get this briefcase thing, can I use it to keep munchies in or what?”
HHH – “I’m busy, Rob. Getting my outfit done.”
RVD – “You’re always busy, man. Geez, you’ve done more to put Lemmy over than you’ve done to put me over. And how come you won’t spring for Pantera to do my music no more?”
HHH – “What? Never mind, check this out. The fur really brings out my sledgehammer!”
RVD – “…”
HHH – “Huh? Huh? You like it? Yeah, got a mini one ready for the baby too!”
RVD – “…Dude.”
Yes, congratulations must go to Triple H. Nobody thought that he would be able to do it but he actually found a way to give us an even lamer Mania memory than being made into Warrior Warrior’s bitch. Special mention must go to the artificially inflated sledgehammer, which is fooling absolutely nobody.
Oh, and let’s hear it for Chicago Mafioso Punk too…
I am 90% certain that I took a screengrab of the right guy. Still, DDP made his Mania debut as The Honky Tonk Man’s cadillac driver and went on to become a World Champion (of sorts), so things may yet turn out hunky-dory for Mr. Punk and no I can’t keep a straight face typing this, sorry.
Anyway, WrestleMania has been and gone. Or, as the predictive text on my phone called it, WrestleManga. The general consensus seems to be that it was a surprisingly good show, which I for one would like to downgrade to simply being a good show. There was nothing particularly surprising about it (apart from them actually being foolhardy enough to go ahead with the Mysterio and Cena victories like I told you all they would SMUG) at least with regards to match quality and spectacle. Shawn, Shelton and RVD all jumped around nicely. Bret didn’t turn up, thankfully. Cena and Orton didn’t embarrass themselves completely. Taker did his thing. Angle gave us the condensed milk version of the Three I’s. Booker and Goldust stole the show. Lots of people chanted for Eddie. Lots of people booed the faces. A Canadian and a fat guy had a nasty fight. All in all, it lived up to expectations under rather trying circumstances and despite a shambolic build-up. Considering the booking standards are unlikely to improve at any point in the next year, it bodes well for a memorable WrestleManga XXIII.
Of course, the biggest myth about WrestleMania is that it marks the end of some supposed season in WWE. Yes, people still bang on about how the post-Mania Raw is meant to be the can’t-miss show of the year – despite the fact that this has not been the case since 1998, when more people wanted to see Sean Waltman than Hulk Hogan. Utter bollocks. Sure, there might be one or two new people debuting (no, Umbro the Samoan Jungle Bunny doesn’t count) but April and May are, for the most part, going to be packed full of rematches and rehashes, the calling card of the native lazy booker. Things will get a bit more interesting when ECW looms its ugly head again, complete with an RVD and/or Mysterio world title match of some sort – not to mention the draft lottery and the return of Batista (coupled with the temporary loss of Michaels and Orton’s enforced absence). For now, we should expect nothing more from WWE than fairly decent shows on Friday nights that not very many people are watching.
Still, since I’ve had the Week From Bizarro-Hell and haven’t the time to write a proper Anti-Pulse, I thought that I would play on the end-of-season idea a little bit and compare where everybody is now to where they were this time last year, then see who has actually made some positive progress.
I’ve taken these roster lists off of WWE.com by the way, so don’t blame me if they are hopelessly naive in certain places…
RAW:
Armando Alejandro Estrada:
This Time Last Year – Was called Osama Rodriguez Alejandro, was half-Cuban and half-Palestinian, had a sidekick called Robbie Dawber and was trying to raise some sort of Spanish offshoot of OVW to piss off the natives.
This Time This Year – Is called Armando Alejandro Estrada, is entirely Cuban, has a strange pet Samoan thing called Umaga and is apparently trying to prove that Ric Flair should have retired by now. Hot on the heels of the Flair/HHH and Flair/Edge feuds, this is proving to be quite a constant thorn in our sides. Try not to laugh at the idea of WWE putting a Flair/Jamal match on PPV, as they surely will at Backlash. Still, Estrada could prove useful. I’m surprised WWE has more tact than to just pair him up with Carlito.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Ashley:
This Time Last Year – Was about to enter the Raw Diva Search, so presumably she was busy thinking up new and innovative ways of satisfying The Coach. How utterly depressing.
This Time This Year – Kept her job when Christy Hemme lost hers but Mickie James and Candice Michelle have surpassed her on the wrestling and T&A fronts respectively. It would be surprising if Ashley stayed with the promotion much longer, particularly now she is dating Matt “Kiss of Death” Hardy. Had she shown any improvement or aptitude for her job then she’d get thumbs in the middle but, as is…
Verdict – Thumbs Down
The Big Show:
This Time Last Year – After suffering the deeply unpleasant task of touching Akebono’s naked, moving flesh and having Akebono do the very same to his, Show moved on to a completely forgettable feud with… um, I forget. Wait, it was Carlito. He refused to become his bodyguard and so took an F5 from Matt Morgan, who wanted the role. Since he clearly had nothing better to do, Show was soon switched to Raw.
This Time This Year – Having racked up an impressive 154 days with the World Tag Team Titles (a longer reign than anybody since Owen & Bulldog in ’96/’97), he and Kane lost them just the other day to some guys. Show once again has nothing to do but hopefully they will go back to the pre-Kane plan of building him up as a ‘special limited attraction’ of sorts. Let him chuck some no-names around, impressing the rubes in the crowd whilst keeping him far away from yet another title push. You just know they’re dying to do a Show/Mysterio title match though…
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Candice Michelle:
This Time Last Year – Apparently, she was a ‘make-up artist’ on Raw. Shows what I care, since I thought she turned up in the Diva Search just last year rather than the year before.
This Time This Year – She’s had her fifteen minutes of fame courtesy of some crappy commercial and some identikit Playboy spread. Having successfully set the women’s rights movement back thirty years, she should soon saunter off to a lame reality TV show near your local cable station within the next twelve months.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Carlito:
This Time Last Year – Apparently, as we’ve just heard, Carlito had brought in Matt Morgan to be his bodyguard and beat-up The Big Show. He had also just started the Carlito’s Cabana segments on Smackdown, following on from his brief appearance at WrestleMania XXI when he was beaten up by Austin and Piper. In WWE terms, that means they like you.
This Time This Year – Well, he’s won and lost the Intercontinental Title. He was jobbed out to Foley for no discernible reason. He found himself in an uneasy alliance with Chris Masters. So far, so poor. However, he has also shown a rather likeable tendency to feel the fire that certain people in the company have been lighting under his ass and actually work a match at a decent pace. He’s recently been turned face, kinda, which will probably mean that he is the next one the fans turn on as the company progressively castrates his individuality along corporate lines. Still, the future looks bright for the hairy one – not least because apparently he calls one of his moves the Twisty McDeathsault.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Chloe:
This Time Last Year – She had just found out that Clark was vulnerable to Kryptonite.
This Time This Year – Dunno, I’m still downloading this week’s episode. Last week she shot somebody though. What? Oh. Right.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Chris Masters:
This Time Last Year – Still doing the insipid Masterlock Challenges, which at least did not involve him trying to work a wrestling match.
This Time This Year – Still trying to work wrestling matches, which at least could involve some interesting parties rather than the Masterlock Challenges. No matter what, it isn’t enough.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Danny Basham:
This Time Last Year – Still teaming with his brother Doug on Smackdown as part of JBL’s Cabinet, though they had left by mid-June and Danny came to Raw by the end of that month.
This Time This Year – Astonishingly, Danny was offered a new deal by WWE in March. Not-so-astonishingly, Danny gleefully accepted it. Despite not appearing on TV since September, Danny Basham is still employed. Hey, good on him.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Edge:
This Time Last Year – The shit hit the fan as Edge stole Lita away from… Kane.
This Time This Year – Miraculously, WWE did not manage to completely negate Edge’s substantial heel heat – although he has had to work rather hard to keep it. Strangely, he now seems to have a lot of the fans on his side since many of them felt it was unfair that his title reign was cut short and that he was subsequently locked out of the title scene for WrestleMania. If he doesn’t get a second title reign at some point in the next year then something is seriously wrong.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Eugene:
This Time Last Year – He was injured and wouldn’t return until July, when he won Angle’s gold medal.
This Time This Year – The gimmick has more or less run its course but could still be tolerable in small doses, such as the Dibiase skit from Mania. It’ll be a long, long time until he gets to hang in the ring with the likes of Angle and Triple H again though. Oh, and his Uncle Eric is gone.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Gene Snitsky:
This Time Last Year – He was out of action due to a blood clot in his stomach but would soon return to feud with Chris Benoit for some reason that was not his fault.
This Time This Year – On-again, off-again tag team partner Tyson Tomko has left WWE but Snitsky is still there, hanging on for dear life. His job isn’t really in jeapordy, of course. If the company is so desperate for wrestlers with a naturally big-build that they would bring Henry Godwinn back for a trial then Snitsky’s not going anywhere except straight into a tag team with…
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Goldust:
This Time Last Year – Was arrested in Florida after a domestic dispute with his girlfriend at a hotel, prompting his release from TNA. Well, that and Dusty’s departure.
This Time This Year – More than ten years on from the debut of Goldust (and some eight years since they first tried to destroy the gimmick) he is right back in WWE, filling in matches on Heat, turning up on Raw from time-to-time, apparently teaming with Snitsky, and once again teasing us with the delectable delights that could be had from a Goldust/Booker T sitcom.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Hulk Hogan:
This Time Last Year – Had just turned up for the WrestleMania weekend and was being coerced into… one… more… match… by Shawn Michaels.
This Time This Year – Has just turned up for the WrestleMania weekend and was being coerced into… one… more… match… by WWE.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Jerry Lawler:
This Time Last Year – Outdated, unfunny and generally confused.
This Time This Year – Ditto.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Joey Styles:
This Time Last Year – Leeching off of society as part of 1wrestling.com.
This Time This Year – Leeching off of society as part of the Raw announce team. That’s a good thing though. I was just being difficult. Not “carrying on with 8 Simple Rules after the dad died” difficult, more like “having to change the lead after just one season of Doctor Who” difficult. Still, the jury is out on the new guy.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
John Cena:
This Time Last Year – Lots of people seemed to be generally quite happy and excited that he had just become WWE Champion. He was still feuding with JBL and was about to debut the spinner version of the title belt, which was probably the moment the shark was jumped with regards to his championship credentials.
This Time This Year – After moving to Raw and feuding with a lot of people that are more welcome than he is (Christian, Jericho, Angle, even Gay Conan) it is apparently not looking very good. At least, that’s the obvious thing to say. The peculiar truth is that right now I don’t want Cena to turn heel. I don’t want them to continue to try and rack up the babyface sympathy odds. I want them to continue to walk this fine line of sending Cena out there to both piss people off and make people happy in equal, opposite and oh-so-very-vocal measures. It really does make for some compelling viewing – far more so than it would were Cena simply yet another bland wrestler with an inane gimmick. The only thing that I would like to see is Cena playing directly to the crowd reactions more often, both positive and negative. Other than that, he really isn’t in as much trouble as everybody round here seems to think he is. Should he be the champion at this particular moment in time? Probably not, but it says a lot about the state of the industry when the only credible alternatives on Raw are the boss’s son-in-law and a guy that f*cked another wrestler’s girlfriend. Mock this verdict if you must, but…
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Jonny:
This Time Last Year – As Johnny Jeter, one half of the Thrillseekers with Matt Cappotelli, he was just about to drop the OVW Southern Tag Team Titles to the Blonde Bombers, who would later go on to become Dicks and then get fired for being actual dicks.
This Time This Year – He’s not doing much of anything, really, so let’s throw in some random trivia… At Vengeance 2003, Jonny teamed up with Rob Conway as Los Conquistadores for the APA Bar Room Brawl.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Johnny Parisi:
This Time Last Year – Down in developmentals, somewhere. Presumably he was doing… something…
This Time This Year – Um… yeah…
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Jonathan Coachman:
This Time Last Year – Valiantly pursuing his noble quest to nosh off Eric Bischoff at any possible moment.
This Time This Year – Bischoff is gone, JR is gone, Coach’s chances of being a play-by-play man are thankfully gone but so are his backstage interview skits, leaving him with the unfortunate task of sharing witticisms with Lawler ’06. And he didn’t even get to sit beside the other announcers at Mania! Never mind, if they do another Diva Search then he’ll be knee-deep in, um, vegetables for months. Love them vegetables. Five portions a day and all that.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Kane:
This Time Last Year – He was feuding with Viscera. Yeah, remember that? Wow. It was like watching the irresistible suck meeting the immovable lame.
This Time This Year – For a psychotic, half-zombie, necrophiliac, serial-killing love machine, I’d say that losing the tag titles to a bunch of cheerleaders was fairly embarrassing. At least he had some fun in between these two moments of dreck.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Kenny:
This Time Last Year – Oh, I don’t know. He won the TV title in OVW last summer though.
This Time This Year – And they say he’s the talented one…
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Lance Cade:
This Time Last Year – He had been out of action for nearly a year due to injury but was rumoured, again, to be returning soon as H-B-Cade, an unwelcome protege of sorts. Perhaps scrapping that was what ultimately led to Mickie James.
This Time This Year – He turned up on Raw briefly the other week, helping Trevor Murdoch, Carlito and Masters out against Kane and The Big Show. It remains to be seen whether or not his presence there was actually scripted or if he just happened to come across them beating up the fat giant and thought “What the hell?” and joined in. Don’t think you wouldn’t.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Lilian Garcia:
This Time Last Year – Not much. Still a few months until she did things with Viscera that people should really not ever do with Viscera.
This Time This Year – Became the first female ring announcer to work WrestleMania. Throw in her first appearances in Diva magazines and DVDs and it has been a fairly busy year for wee Lil’.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Lita:
This Time Last Year – You all know this one.
This Time This Year – The same, but with less wrestling and more boobage.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Maria:
This Time Last Year – Not much of anything besides flubbing her lines.
This Time This Year – Has an actual character. As stunning a development as that might be in WWE these days, it is downright astonishing when you consider that it is one the audience actually likes and sympathises with. Okay, so it isn’t exactly high-concept material but, hey, it works. Now she hosts her own segment on Unlimited.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Matt Striker:
This Time Last Year – Gearing up for his second Angle Invitational appearance after being released from his teaching job in Queens.
This Time This Year – Busy wrestling nothing matches against nobody opponents on WWE.com but, hey, he’s wrestling so he’s happy. He was also in GQ a couple of months ago.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Mick Foley:
This Time Last Year – Fat!
This Time This Year – Fatter!
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Mickie James:
This Time Last Year – Plans were afoot to call her up to the main roster from OVW alongside C.M. Punk. Said plans were not met with much enthusiasm by those in power that bore witness to the end results.
This Time This Year – After one of the most celebrated storylines that Raw has seen in a long time (and simply one of the best women’s wrestling angles ever), she is the reigning Women’s Champion. Punk is auditioning for a role in the 1930s. Huh.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Mikey:
This Time Last Year – Another one that was in OVW, answering to the name of Mike Mondo.
This Time This Year – He’s the other one that’s World Tag Champ.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Mitch:
This Time Last Year – He was the guy that was on Tough Enough a couple of years ago and by this point was being trained in Deep South prior to heading to OVW.
This Time This Year – He’s injured at the moment but making his mark as “the one with the megaphone”, which more or less makes him into the leader of the Spirit Squad.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Mr. McMahon:
This Time Last Year – Don’t really remember, to be honest. I think he was probably still recovering from breaking his ass at the Rumble ’05 show and didn’t really turn up again until the draft lottery kicked off. Well, except for that bit with the NWA World Heavyweight Champion Christian Cage that we are not supposed to even want to remember.
This Time This Year – They said it would come down to him going one on one with God and, well, come the 30th April that is exactly what will come to pass. I guess that Shawn Michaels will play Ricky Morton for his team. I guess that Vince being on the cover of some gay porn magazine has gone to his head.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Nicky:
This Time Last Year – He was in OVW as Nick Nemeth and by September was caddy to Kerwin White. Say, whatever happened to that guy?
This Time This Year – Yeah, cheers, whatever. Apparently this guy is an accomplished amateur wrestler though, so let’s not write him off entirely so soon.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Rene Dupree:
This Time Last Year – His last major contribution to Smackdown had been getting Tombstoned by The Undertaker.
This Time This Year – Officially he’s on Raw now. Unofficially he’s competing for Deep South. For some reason, he recently received a new contract offer from WWE. Unsurprisingly, he accepted.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Ric Flair:
This Time Last Year – With Evolution but a fading memory, Flair took some time off to prepare for his return as a face in August. Unfortunately for him, by that point his wife Beth had filed for divorce and disclosed a number of unsavoury (and alleged) details about her husband’s behaviour.
This Time This Year – Stuck in a nothing feud with a nothing wrestler with precious little hope of getting that 17th world title anytime soon, if ever. His personal life has also been dragged through the mud over the course of the year, with the combination of owing the government millions in back taxes and an arrest for road rage brought on by roid rage and alcohol abuse rumoured to have Flair placed on an unofficial ‘death watch’ by WWE. That sounds kind of like the episode of My Name Is Earl I watched yesterday. At any rate, the sheer fact that they continue to allow the unstable fifty-seven year-old to wrestle on a full-time schedule makes a mockery of the Wellness Program.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Rob Conway:
This Time Last Year – Still impressing nobody worth mentioning as part of La Resistance, alongside the substantially less impressive Sylvan Grenier.
This Time This Year – Having managed to ‘kill’ such towering ‘legends’ as Doink, Greg Valentine and Koko B. Ware, Rob’s newfound Con-Man persona has stalled. In fact, it is pretty much moving in reverse now, leaving him lucky to even get a place on Heat anymore. Given his well-known wrestling abilities, Conway is one of the few that would be better showcased in TNA.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Rob Van Dam:
This Time Last Year – Still recovering from reconstructive knee surgery he had in January ’05. At some point after that he had a conversation with Vince McMahon about possibly promoting an ECW reunion show. I believe you may have heard of it.
This Time This Year – He is back, with an untwistable knee (cheers, Homer). His matches also haven’t really been that great since his return – but then his matches have been against the likes of Snitsky, Carlito, Masters and Murdoch. The fans still love him anyway, as evidenced by that rather wonderful photo-opportunity of Our Rob leading the capacity crowd at Mania in an R-V-D chant as he perched precariously on top of a ladder. Now he is Mr. Money in the Bank II and on course to face some kind of a World Champion at the next ECW show, as he not-so-subtly hinted at this week on Raw. It could be Triple H, it could be John Cena, it could even be Edge, who knows? Don’t forget that ECW’s very own Rey Mysterio is already the World Heavyweight Champion…
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Shawn Michaels:
This Time Last Year – Gallantly gathering the gullible crowds on Raw together to worship at the tanned teat of Hulk Hogan for some ungodly reason. Since the end result was the second most profitable SummerSlam of all time, I doubt that anybody in the company really cared about what the non-gullible section thought.
This Time This Year – He seems to be teasing the fans with the return of DX but, just like the teased return of Bret Hart, this is something that is better off not happening. Then again, he is meant to be teaming up with God at Backlash and we all know what DX alumnus can lay claim to that moniker in WWE’s worldview… would they dare go there? Would they arrange a run-in by Mohammed? Will Comedy Central wuss-out on showing the next episode of South Park? Who is Eric Cartman’s father? Why have I gotten so far off-topic? How many questions can I ask? STOP-OK. Don’t expect Michaels to be around beyond Backlash, at least not until the Road to WrestleMania XXIII.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Shelton Benjamin:
This Time Last Year – Reigning Intercontinental Champion, had just impressed the hell out of everybody with some great moves during the Money in the Bank match, was being tipped for greater things.
This Time This Year – Reigning Intercontinental Champion, had just impressed the hell out of everybody again with some more great moves during the Money in the Bank match, is still being tipped for greater things. Oh, and now he has an unfunny sitcom albatross in his corner on occasion.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Stacy Keibler:
This Time Last Year – She was Super Stacy, valet to Rosey & The Hurricane. Yikes, that trio sure has changed…
This Time This Year – Her WWE contract expires in July and she more than likely won’t re-sign. She writes a fitness column for Stuff Magazine and has become rather popular thanks to some dancing show or other. Look for her to turn up on some dire sitcom in the coming months, possibly with some random appearances on Scary Movie 5 or Deuce Bigalow: African Gigolo or something else as equally intellectually stimulating. Hopefully for her TNA will still be in business in 2008.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Stone Cold:
This Time Last Year – Had just made a random appearance at WrestleMania XXI to put over that prodigal young talent, Roddy Piper, whilst helping out the likes of Carlito, Hassan, Daivari, Maven and Simon Dean by beating them all up. Just ask his girlfriends how that one works.
This Time This Year – Could possibly, just possibly, by some form of divine intervention, be preparing for a match with Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania next year. In any event, his WWE produced movie should be heading towards a bargain bin near you by the end of the summer.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
The Rock:
This Time Last Year – Yes, WWE.com continues to list him as an active member of the Raw roster. File that under Let It Go Already. Anyway, last year he was a gay bodyguard in Be Cool and had a really, really big gun in Doom, neither of which I bothered seeing. Apparently he had also tried to bag the role of Willy Wonka in the Tim Burton remake but, since his name wasn’t Johnny Depp, he missed out.
This Time This Year – At the moment he has three movies due out over the course of the next twelve months. First he’ll be playing an action movie star with amnesia in Southland Tales (made by Richard Donnie Darko Kelly, also starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as a porn star). After that comes a football comedy, Gridiron Gang, and the much-anticipated (by me) Johnny Bravo in November. Not to mention Instant Karma, Spy Hunter or Kamehameha I, so I won’t. All very cool, but what does it have to do with wrestling?
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Todd Grisham:
This Time Last Year – Backstage muppet.
This Time This Year – Backstage muppet who made a funny about TNA on Byte This.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Torrie Wilson:
This Time Last Year – Thin!
This Time This Year – Thinner!
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Trevor Murdoch:
This Time Last Year – Wrestling as one-half of The Dupps with Bo Dupp under the name Stan Dupp. That’s a lot of Dupp.
This Time This Year – Has gone from TNA to OVW to Lance Cade to World Tag Team Champion to singles superstar jobber to WWE.com movie reviewer. Still waiting for Harley Race and Ric Flair to be proven correct about his wrestling talent.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Triple H:
This Time Last Year – Had just been beaten at WrestleMania. Was gearing up for another crack at the champion at Backlash. Que sera sera.
This Time This Year – Has just been beaten at WrestleMania. Is gearing up for another crack at the champion at Backlash. C’est la vie. The big difference is that Stephanie will give birth to his child in three months time, thus cementing Trip’s billion-dollar legacy once and for all.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Trish Stratus:
This Time Last Year – Being stalked by Kane at Lita’s behest. She would turn to Viscera for help, thus giving us a dreadful excuse for a wrestling match at Backlash. Stratus then suffered a herniated disc and took a few months off, taking the Women’s Title with her. Really, why not?
This Time This Year – There are now a grand total of three proper female wrestlers on Raw, which means that she doesn’t need to have the title all the time and doesn’t actually hold it at the moment. With a bit of luck the boos she received at Mania might be a precursor to a heel turn, since she is far, far more entertaining as the bad guy. Oh, and since the Raw commentators have taken to calling people “future Hall of Famers” in their over-zealous announcing, should this not apply to Stratus too?
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Umaga:
This Time Last Year – Working for various overseas promotions, including NWE in Italy and AJPW.
This Time This Year – Made his return to Raw because lord knows WWE cannot be Samoan free for any given length of time. In case you’re keeping tabs on this sort of thing, Umaga is Jamal and Jamal is Eddie Fatu and Eddie Fatu is Solofa Fatu’s brother and Solofa Fatu is Rikishi and Rikishi is the cousin of The Rock.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Val Venis:
This Time Last Year – Just doin’ his thang.
This Time This Year – Still doin’ that thang.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Victoria:
This Time Last Year – Survived the cull that claimed Gail Kim, Nidia and Jazz and thankfully beat the crap out of the Diva Search contestants in an apparent heel turn that actually got her over with the crowd as a face.
This Time This Year – Doing some kind of a quasi-lesbian thing with Candice Michelle. Briefly part of the stillborn Vince’s Devils trio. If they ever actually let her and Mickie James have a proper title feud with one another, we could be in for a little treat. As things stand, she’ll probably be joining Gail Kim and Jackie Gayda ‘down south’ before the year is out. Then again, we’ve been saying that for a while.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Viscera:
This Time Last Year – Inflicting manhood upon Trish Stratus.
This Time This Year – Attempts to inflict manhood upon Momma Benjamin were curtailed by injuries to her and to his tag partner Val but don’t worry, Big Vis always finds a way. Considering just how long this guy has gotten away with doing so very, very little on such a major stage, I can’t possibly give him any other verdict than…
Verdict – Thumbs Up
SMACKDOWN:
Batista:
This Time Last Year – Let the word go forth from here – DAVE is the most popular World Heavyweight Champion of all time. Okay, so the “all time” part actually only stems back as far as September 2002 but the point still stands. I imagine that Matthew Michaels is probably getting all riled up whilst reading this but, hey, that belt has nothing to do with WCW so just accept it already.
This Time This Year – His reign as World Heavyweight Champion was longer than anybody else’s has been. More impressively, he was just as popular at the end of his reign as he was at the beginning of it, having more than made up for his rather poor JBL feud with his determination to act like a true champion and work through his injuries following Eddie Guerrero’s death. In fact, at a time when babyfaces are finding it harder than ever to get fan support at the top end of the card, his injury may have been a blessing in disguise. It certainly prevented us from having to suffer through a lacklustre Batista/Orton match at Mania – though that will in all likelihood happen next year. It also gives DAVE some time to adjust his body and workout regime to the, er, more organic stylings of the Wellness Program in order to make a pleasing comeback. Let’s hope that the big guy can work it all out to his satisfaction. He is one of the few main event superstars that they could possibly hope to pin any long-term booking plans on (can Batista fight his way to WrestleMania XXIII to reclaim the title he never lost?) without losing fan support, for the simple reason that the fans chose him of their own collective free will. As I’ve said before, when it comes to World Champions, people want them to be men like Batista or Triple H and not boys like Cena or Orton. And for the love of all that is sensible, do not put him in a match with Mark Henry ever again.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
The Boogeyman:
This Time Last Year – He was not The Boogeyman and he was not coming to get you.
This Time This Year – He is now The Boogeyman and he is in fact coming to get you.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Booker T:
This Time Last Year – He was trying to stop Kurt Angle from having bestial sex with his wife Sharmell. Uh-huh, sorry for reminding you about that one.
This Time This Year – Keeping the animalistic sexual activity theme going, his big contribution to WrestleMania was losing a match to the guy that kissed worms into his wife’s mouth. Nice! As seemingly the sole benefactor of WCW since 2001, however, Booker has actually been turning in some highly entertaining performances as of late. Various injuries have kept him from wrestling any proper matches for a few months now but his personality has really been shining through in spite of any physical setbacks. Let’s hope that WWE do give him the colour commentary position he craves so badly. Ditch Coach and Lawler, send Tazz to Raw to team with Styles and have Booker join Cole on Smackdown? Why, that sounds like A Good Idea…
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Brian Kendrick:
This Time Last Year – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE in ROH.
This Time This Year – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE on Velocity.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Chris Benoit:
This Time Last Year – Feuding with Edge over the rather disagreeable ending to the first Money in the Bank match. Remember, the one where Benoit worked his ass off, did one of the greatest selling jobs in recent memory and made everybody think he had legitimately broken his arm, only for Edge to sit outside for the majority of the match and then win it at the last minute? Yeah, it still irks.
This Time This Year – Now he’s back on Smackdown and still doesn’t really have a lot to do. It wouldn’t surprise anybody if he wound up back on Raw by the summer, since Benoit has switched brands more times than any other WWE superstar since the initial draft (4 times), but the problem is that he really doesn’t have a great deal of potential there either. Given his age, his neck problems, the warning shot of Eddie’s death and the fact that he could walk into a comfortable road agent job in WWE at any given moment, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Benoit was gearing up for retirement in the coming year.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Daivari:
This Time Last Year – Managing the colossal mistake that was Muhammed Hassan, feuding with Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan on Raw.
This Time This Year – He took a wee holiday after being Tombstoned by Undertaker on SNME but is still apparently managing Mark Henry on Smackdown. Oh, and Dalip Singh. However, since neither of them are anywhere near as embarrassing as Hassan was, this must be seen as a step in the right direction. Can you believe this guy is only 21?
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Doug Basham:
This Time Last Year – Still teaming with Danny, still on Smackdown, still in the Cabinet.
This Time This Year – Was last seen losing a dark match to Val Venis on Raw, despite officially still being a Smackdown wrestler. Attempts at turning The Bash Man into a viable singles wrestler were half-hearted at best. The same goes for OVW’s attempts to remodel him as The Superstar Of Superstars and then to bring back his Machine gimmick. Still, he got a new contract, so I’m sure he doesn’t mind too much.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Eddie Guerrero:
This Time Last Year – Was alive and about to enter an angle where the World Heavyweight Champion may or may not have been his best friend.
This Time This Year – Is dead and in an angle where the World Heavyweight Champion is another one of his best friends.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Finlay:
This Time Last Year – Was working with the Raw Divas, trying to get the Women’s Division up to scratch. This was not being helped much by WWE releasing all the women that could actually wrestle except for Victoria and Trish Stratus (who owes Finlay a lot), but Dave had his heart set on a wrestling comeback anyway…
This Time This Year – Has finally returned to action, having previously retired from active competition in 2000 due to injury. Is currently knocking six lumps of shite out of Bobby Lashley and having half-a-dozen lumps of crap knocked out of him in return. It is deliciously evil viewing.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Funaki:
This Time Last Year – Being hawsum.
This Time This Year – Still being hawsum. And employed. Strange but true!
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Gregory Helms:
This Time Last Year – Gearing up to win the World Tag Team Titles from La Resistance alongside his sidekick Rosey as The Hurricane.
This Time This Year – Has an injury perhaps best described as being “gnarly” – a broken nose – and missed WrestleMania because of it. Then again, he probably wouldn’t have been doing much there had he been fit and healthy. Still, ditching the Hurricane gimmick at long last is a good thing… right? Right?
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Gymini:
This Time Last Year – Bounding around Deep South as The Regulators.
This Time This Year – Bounding around the bowels of Smackdown as The Gymini, a.k.a. Simon Dean’s bitches, a.k.a. The Shane Twins. They don’t even get separate profiles on WWE.com.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Hardcore Holly:
This Time Last Year – Um… no idea…
This Time This Year – Out recovering from various injuries and teaching at the Bob Holly Academy in Mobile. Best place for him, really.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Jamie Noble:
This Time Last Year – Working the indie circuit to try and prove himself worthy of getting another contract with WWE, which most notably took him to ROH and soon after made him into their champion.
This Time This Year – Since he returned to Velocity in December he really hasn’t done a hell of a lot, getting even less camera time than he did during his initial stint with WWE. It is endlessly frustrating for fans to see guys like Noble and Kendrick forced to work three-minute nothing matches with one another when we know that they could quite easily improvise a thirty-minute classic if the opportunity presented itself, so lord knows how irritating the wrestlers themselves must find it. Then again, Noble played for his current role and got it in style, so who are we to criticise the man’s fulfilled ambitions?
Verdict – Thumbs Up
JBL:
This Time Last Year – Continuing a rather uninspired feud with John Cena over the WWE Championship he had just lost. He had also just gotten married to a FOX financial analyst. His best man was Ron Simmons, while Eddie Guerrero and The Undertaker were ushers.
This Time This Year – Recently defeated Benoit to become the United States Champion. Depending on your point of view, this may also make him a Triple Crown Champion too. I think it’s fair to say that JBL is too comedic and too old to be a permanent main event player, but this upper-midcard role he has found himself in lately is a perfect fit. If they have Lashley chase him for the better part of the year then it would lead to one very memorable title change.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Jillian Hall:
This Time Last Year – Was managing the once and future Dicks in OVW.
This Time This Year – Hanging out with JBL, sans facial blemishes.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Joey Mercury:
This Time Last Year – Had almost debuted on Smackdown to be overshadowed by Melina.
This Time This Year – Still a WWE Tag Team Champion. Rumoured to have dated Mickie James and Christy Hemme over the previous year.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Johnny Nitro:
This Time Last Year – Had almost debuted on Smackdown to be overshadowed by Melina.
This Time This Year – Still a WWE Tag Team Champion. Rumoured to be dating Melina.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Josh Matthews:
This Time Last Year – Commentating on Velocity and being far better at his job than most people seem to think he is.
This Time This Year – Ditto. Also now hosts Lunchtime Suicide and was possessed by The Undertaker in December. Ya WHAT?
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Ken Kennedy
This Time Last Year – In OVW as Ken Anderson.
This Time This Year – Injured but ridiculously popular among the supposedly “kewl” fans for some vague reason. His big talent is saying his own name! Damn, there are some easily impressed people in this world of ours…
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Kid Kash:
This Time Last Year – Pissing people off in TNA, most notably AMW, who he bad-mouthed in a radio interview. He was also rather irked about TNA understandably not wanting him to appear at WWE’s ECW One Night Stand. Throw in backstage confrontations with A.J. Styles and his release was all but inevitable.
This Time This Year – For whatever reason, WWE decided to hire a cruiserweight with a well-known bad reputation who had proven to be rather injury prone over the years. I’m betting it had something to do with Taker’s Kid Rock fetish, in which case Kash deserves all the credit in the world for his scary dedication to his profession.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Kristal:
This Time Last Year – One of the pre-contest Diva Search skankettes.
This Time This Year – Has been ‘feuding’ with Jillian Hall. I put ‘feuding’ in inverted commas because it implies that people care.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Kurt Angle:
This Time Last Year – Followed up the classic match with Shawn Michaels at Mania 21 by trying to do the nasty with Booker T’s wife. Yeah, good one. He was also separated from his own wife in real life.
This Time This Year – Recently ended his impromptu World Heavyweight Title run at Mania 22 but has reconciled with his wife Karen. He also gave us perhaps the greatest quote of his entire career back at New Year’s Revolution… “I hope we lose the war in Iraq. My favourite country is France. I’m not a fan of the black people. And if I had a time machine, and I could go back and apply my ankle lock to any figure in history… I’d choose Jesus.” This has led some to speculate that we could yet see the start of the Church of Angle. They don’t break communion wafers, they break ankles. They don’t drink red wine, they drink milk. They don’t sing hymns, they chant “You suck!”. And so on.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Lashley:
This Time Last Year – Was wrestling Raw and Smackdown dark matches. He was also allowed to have a forename, Bobby.
This Time This Year – Has more or less been accepted as a genuine possible future main eventer, by virtue of his Black Lesnar status. Shame the company is so down on forenames though.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Mark Henry:
This Time Last Year – Was safely concealed from the wider world in OVW whilst recovering from a torn quadricep.
This Time This Year – Returned, looking more like The Predator than ever before, and has still yet to do anything even remotely of interest. Don’t get too downheartened though, his contract expires in August.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Matt Hardy:
This Time Last Year – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
This Time This Year – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Melina:
This Time Last Year – Had almost re-debuted on Smackdown to overshadow Mercury & Nitro. I say re-debut because she had originally been seen on Raw in November ’04 on the show where Randy Orton was General Manager for the night. He signed her and booked her in a lingerie show. The next week it was Chris Jericho’s turn and he put her and the other Divas into a limbo contest. Then she went to OVW. True story.
This Time This Year – Oh, you know, just killing time until she gets drafted to Raw.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Michael Cole:
This Time Last Year – Michael Cole, pre-Byte This.
This Time This Year – Michael Cole, post-Byte This. Shame they couldn’t get that Talkin’ Smack show sorted out, actually.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Nunzio:
This Time Last Year – Same old, same old.
This Time This Year – Furthermore. He did just help his brother win $25,000 on Deal Or No Deal though.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Orlando Jordan:
This Time Last Year – In the midst of being the longest-reigning United States Champion in WWE’s history. WELLTHEREYAGOTHEN.
This Time This Year – Don’t push me cos I’m close to the edge, I’m trying not to lose my head…
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Paul Burchill:
This Time Last Year – Busy training down in OVW and Deep South. Was not a pirate.
This Time This Year – Feuding with William Regal. Is a pirate. Honestly, as random as it may seem, it is probably a step in the right direction for his career. Yes, I really did just type that.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Paul London:
This Time Last Year – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE with a 450.
This Time This Year – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE without a 450.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Psicosis:
This Time Last Year – Feuding for the rights to the Psicosis name in AAA.
This Time This Year – Still hasn’t won the tag titles on Smackdown. Bah.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Randy Orton:
This Time Last Year – Was out of action, recovering from a shoulder injury, which automatically earns him a hearty lump of sympathy from my hollow tin heart to his unsympathetic self. Did that sound gay? At any rate, Orton was still on course for a second world title victory by Mania 22…
This Time This Year – … which did not materialise, clearly. And thank goodness for that, otherwise I would have proven wrong in the WrestleMania Roundtable instead of being proven so completely and utterly correct. Now he’s facing a 60-day suspension on suspicion of being a dickhead, which is probably fair enough. If he wants to find that destiny, he really should have himself a deep-rooted personality transplant. To paraphrase Bret Hart’s Hall of Fame speech, life has less to do with what you learn along the way and more to do with what you already knew from the start.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Rey Mysterio:
This Time Last Year – Not the World Heavyweight Champion.
This Time This Year – Is the World Heavyweight Champion. Booyakah, booyakah, six-one-nine, et cetera.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Road Warrior:
This Time Last Year – Old! Fat! Lame! Possibly Gay!
This Time This Year – Older! Fatter! Lamer! Possibly gayer!
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Scotty 2 Hotty:
This Time Last Year – Employed!
This Time This Year – Still employed!
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Sharmell:
This Time Last Year – A newly-wed! Kurt Angle’s throbbing bald head! Oo-er!
This Time This Year – Hey, any woman that will agree to let a guy with a mouthful of live worms kiss her for the ‘benefit’ of the show is alright by me. Not that I would really want to do such a thing.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Simon Dean:
This Time Last Year – Training Maven on the Simon System. Maven was released, so he became Hollywood Nova again for a while, until Da Blue Guy was released and Big Stevie Cool went to hide in his parent’s garage.
This Time This Year – Busy jobbing to all and sundry. In between he watches The Gymini and tries to get that old Divinyls song out of his head.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Steve Romero:
This Time Last Year – Who?
This Time This Year – Seriously, who?
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Steven Richards:
This Time Last Year – Counting the days until the ECW reunion.
This Time This Year – Counting the days until the next ECW reunion, where he will carefully avoid JBL at all costs.
Verdict – Thumbs In The Middle
Super Crazy:
This Time Last Year – Not doing much of anything, it would seem.
This Time This Year – Not really doing much of anything, but at least doing something and getting paid for it.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Sylvan:
This Time Last Year – Nosh, nosh, nosh? Patty, Pat, Pat-Pat? Hmmm, let’s not even go there.
This Time This Year – Apparently hates Americans again after the metrosexual gimmick bombed. Kinda weird they would have even tried it considering that Batista made such terrific advances for metrosexual equality, but whatever.
Verdict – Thumbs Down
Tatanka:
This Time Last Year – Off doing things elsewhere.
This Time This Year – GO AWAY.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Tazz:
This Time Last Year – Failing to be convinced by RVD, Heyman, Vince or anybody that he should work a match at One Night Stand.
This Time This Year – Presumably more of the same. Is also meant to be starting a radio show with Michael Cole on the Howard 101 station.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Theodore Long:
This Time Last Year – Black Penfold.
This Time This Year – Still the GM, having survived the misfortune that was Palmer Canon, the Junior Division, several amusing encounters with The Boogeyman, and the example that Raw has been setting of arranging matches without needing an on-air authority figure. Go on yersel’, Teddy.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
The Undertaker:
This Time Last Year – 13 and 0.
This Time This Year – 14 and 0.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
Vito:
This Time Last Year – Had been signed away from TNA by OVW. He had been a member of the New York Connection stable with Trinity, Glen Gilberti and Johnny Swinger.
This Time This Year – Still doing the heterosexual life partner thing with Nunzio. Due for another FBI reunion in June.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
William Regal:
This Time Last Year – Still teaming with Tajiri, who had not as yet retired. In fact, I think they were the reigning World Tag Champs.
This Time This Year – Feuding with the pirate bloke. Burchill, that’s the chap. Cried at the Hall of Fame. Has a very good autobiography out. Nice person.
Verdict – Thumbs Up
So, there you go. By my reckoning the fortunes of the rosters are, by and large, heading in appropriately upward directions for the most part – particularly those on Smackdown at least.
If you’ve sent me an e-mail and I haven’t replied to it, I apologies. As I mentioned, this has been the Week From Bizarro-Hell and has involved a whole lot of crazy that has kept me either away from my computer or out of town altogether (or just plain out of it altogether), so the inbox has kinda been flooded, mainly with Nexus related inanity, which has buried the more interesting e-mails away off in the distance. I might get to them eventually. Why not just send me another one, time how long it takes me to reply to it this time around, and then let me know if I have broken my record? Life’s a gas. Then you condense.
Other news? Not really. Randy Orton’s suspended for being Randy Orton (and a hepatitis test really wouldn’t hurt your chances, mate). Bret and Eddie beat Sting and Steiner in the ratings last weekend. WWE will be releasing the Ultimate Hulk Hogan Collection on 3DVD set, as well as collections for Roddy Piper, Brian Pillman and, in the greatest display of ego yet, Vince McMahon. Still no word on a decent collection for The Rock, probably because he has too many movie projects on the go to spare the time to contribute to it in any form. Carlito is apparently disgruntling certain people in the company for being a little bit too in-character during mainstream press interviews. He hasn’t gone as far as spitting fruit at anybody but he has been more than a little abrupt and arrogant, which is hardly beneficial to WWE’s reputation.
And… that’ll do for now. Apologies for cutting it short but I am still rather out of it and just generally feeling odd. How odd is odd? Odd is this odd…
And that’s pretty damn odd.
I’ll be back with the full Anti-Pulse treatment next week. For those of you who are into this sort of thing, there may even be new comic book reviews up by tomorrow.
Until then, this’ll be now.
