Welcome to AM Raw, where a wrestler’s worth can be judged by whether or not they get a 30 second entrance on an hour long show.
The intro kicks off the festivities with a lot of black and white footage to make the WWE look like an important, historical institution.
We were live at one point from Chicago, and we start things off with the champ…already in the ring, getting booed unmercifully. The King points out, “This is amazing.” Yes, it is amazing they kept the belt on Cena. Cena looks like the boos may be getting to him. I can’t wait for the promo where he snaps and starts screaming, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!” That will be awesome. Alas, that is not the case today, as Cena explains that the championship means that you rise to the occasion. Guess the “occasion” has nothing to do with putting on a decent in-ring show. The Cena sucks chant doesn’t let up, and the crowd pops the moment Triple H’s official promo music hits. That is an enjoyable little tune there. Joey Styles points out that, “Triple H certainly does appeal to a lot of traditional fans.” That must mean fans that can remember his matches from the year 2000. The King wonders aloud why anyone would waste their breath cheering for Son-in-Law Man when he obviously does not care about those cheers. Wait, did Stone Cold care? Shockingly, Trip has a microphone and has something to say. Before he can say it, the crowd reminds him that he tapped out, which is immediately followed by boos. Your guess is as good as mine as to who is being booed at this point. Trip sticks his hand out for a hearty handshake. Wait, do they really think people will boo Trip because he does the old handshake pull away thing? Yes, yes they do. It doesn’t work. Trip compliments/gives Cena a back handed insult, saying, “You’re a tough kid.” The “You tapped out” chant gets louder and Trip acknowledges that yes, he did indeed tap out, but that was because he underestimated Cena, which will Never…Happen…AGAIN. Trip wants a rematch, and he wants it now.
Now we are going to get our Edge-ucation, as Edge comes out, sans intro. Edge hits supposed-to-be-unintentional comedy gold when he quips, “That’s the problem with you Hunter; you think you own this place.” Ah, the beauty of a worked shoot comment. Edge points out that Trip lost his match and did not have a rematch clause in his contract, thus Trip goes to the back of the line. Somehow I doubt that. Edge wants someone that won at WrestleMania to get a title shot. Go Boogeyman! Someone that is undefeated at WM. Go Undertaker! Trip asks about Edge’s little undefeated WM streak, “How many of those matches were in the main event?” Zing! Trip tells Edge to run along to the back with the rest of the “curtain-jerkers,” and let the main event players handle their business. Edge fires back that he is a main event player that doesn’t need to dress up like Conan the Barbarian. Burn! Trip hits back, saying he knew Edge had been champ but he had missed it because he took a 20 minute nap in the back. Super Burn!
Oh wait, Cena is still there. The Champ wants to take his leave since “He-Man” and “Skeletor” are arguing, but Edge tells “She-Ra” to stay put. So who is Courtney Cox’s character from the live action “Masters of the Universe” movie? Cena then suggests an Edge verses Trip match for the #1 Contenders spot, which the crowd actually would like to see, judging by the cheers. Cena also offers some ointment to Lita for that little facial break out she seems to be having at the moment. Edge says that, instead of the match the crowd wants to see, he and the H Man should kick Cena’s “hip-hop bling bling ass.” Ok then. Cena and Trip both agree that THEY should kick Edge’s ass for using the term bling bling. It’s like a bunch of third graders in the ring, taunting each other into a recess fight. Edge asks the crowd if they want to see a two on one match and the crowd says, “No, no, we do not want to see a two on one match.” Cena says that he should turn tail and run, but he is a tough SOB and so they will have the match the fans do not want to see.
It took those three fifteen minutes to set up the main event for the show. Well, at least those cracks on one another were enjoyable. Poor, poor John Cena.
Kane and the Big Show will face the Spirit Squad, which means this must be the annual day after WrestleMania title change. The first time I can remember that happening is when Chris Jericho lost the European Title to Eddie Guerrero after WM 2000. See, they started jobbing out Jericho a full two years before he would be bitch slapped by Triple H at WM 18!
Commercial for Nashville Star. Who is watching this?
The Spirit Squad actually gets their entrance today. They truly have made it in this business. Kane and Big Show are already in the ring, with no entrance at all. I wonder who is going to win. The Coach asks, “Did you guys know that male cheerleaders are some of the greatest athletes in the world?” The King thought that male cheerleaders were athletic supporters. The wit does not stop on AM Raw! The usual stuff from Kane to start, which includes a sidewalk slam and a top rope clothesline to Mikey. Kane throws Mikey into the corner, but as he charges in the rest of the Squad moves their friend in danger out of the way, leaving Kane’s shoulder to eat ring post. Kenny is tagged in and begins a barrage of punches and kicks on the Big Red Machine Head. Mickey is back in and unleashes some behind the back arm twisting, but Kane is able to reverse this into a Samoan Drop and tag in Show. Biggie starts tossing little Mikey around, picking him up and accidentally hitting the ref with Mikey’s feet. The ref is out, which means the entire Squad is in to do their little toss up in the air attack, which leads to Kenny hitting his top rope leg drop that looks awesome, which leads to new tag team champions. Well, at least the belts are off of the gruesome twosome.
Commercials for the WrestleMania replay. Speaking of WM, only two people in the Roundtable picked Cena as the winner, and I happened to be one of those two. I am some kind of genius or something. I thought Edge and Foley had the match of night, what with the flaming table and all. Of course, the SmackDown! main event WOULD have been the match of the night if it had been given more than three minutes, Rey Mysterio didn’t come out as the Ultimate Aztec Warrior, and the WWE actually gave a crap about SmackDown! in the first place. Oh, and next WM they should have Cena and Trip take on Brock and Goldberg, just to make it a little more surreal.
Monday on Raw, a new game begins! Hey, that is what the commercial said.
The WWE Rewind has the two guys that just lost their titles beating Carlito and the Masterpiece(ofcrap). This leads directly to Chris Masters himself, who would have gotten his usual entrance if he hadn’t stomped down to the ring while his music played to beat up on some hapless jobber whose name we are never told. I always wondered why they would have the announcers say they didn’t know the name of a participant in a match. It doesn’t make any sense. If your job is to call the match, and you supposedly know what you are doing, how do you not find out the opponent for one of your “stars” that night? It’s just something that has bugged me for a while. Anyway, Masters throws Mr. Jobber around for a minute and applies the Masterlock for the win. The match was literally so short I didn’t have time to look up from the screen. Carlito’s music hits and he is milking his entrance time. The lug in the ring raises his arms and is ready to throw down some more crappy offense for his fans (consisting of his mom, dad and any old time WBF fans), but Carlito just looks at him and begins to chew an apple. He spits the apple all over Mr. Jobber and raises Masters’ hand in victory. How cute, they made up. Wait, no they DID NOT make up, as Carly hits a back cracker on his former buddy from behind and begins punching the man with no talent. Masters, not the jobber, who may actually have talent. Carlito then actually spits on Masters, with no apple, and walks out of the ring with his exit music. It sounds suspiciously like his entrance music.
We cut to the graphics for the Cena vs. Edge/Trip match, and for some reason Edge is two times bigger in this graphic than Trip. Styles wonders, “How will the WWE Champion contend with two men that want to destroy him?” With guts and moxy, that’s how! No, seriously. It’s not like Cena is going to wrestle. He has to do something in the match, so guts and moxy it is.
Commercial for The Benchwarmers. Every commercial pushes John Heder farther and farther away from Napoleon Dynamite.
Monday on Raw, there are new champions, vendettas, and determination. Also, the commercial gives this show’s ending away. Great guys. Thanks.
Back in the ring, HBK (no entrance) is discussing his match with Vince, saying it was violent, brutal and down right ugly. Shawn knows he could have ended the match at any point with a little Sweet Chin Music, but he wanted to make sure Vince endured his own personal hell. Wouldn’t Vince’s hell consist of Ted Turner, Stephanie McMahon and Astroglide? Shawn says a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he doesn’t have to deal with Vince strutting his orange tinted body down to the ring. As for his future plans, he muses, “I thought, since the popular thing these days is to want to beat up John Cena, I thought, hey, why can’t I beat up John Cena?” This brings out Shane-O-Mac, who always deserves an entrance. Oh crap, he is introducing Vince, who comes out in a neck brace. Joey says he would have bet a paycheck that Vince would not be here. You might want to reconsider that one Joey. Those paychecks may not be appearing so regularly after One Night Stand, what with Jim Ross enjoying his time back in the booth and all. Vince is pissed, of course, because Linda and Stephanie had to watch that horrific beating that Vince took at Shawn’s hands. Evidently Steph is only six months pregnant, though she looks about 11 months along. Vince then says that the person ho suffered the most was Shane, when Shawn “took his [Shane’s] face and jammed it up my rectal cavity.” Fun imagery for the whole family! Vince says there is no chance in hell Shawn gets a title shot. Vince feels Shawn had outside help to win their match at WM, help from…God. Vince actually starts yelling at God. Shawn interrupts and, while not trying to judge Vince (what a good Christian), he does want to know if he has a point. Vince’s point is that the war will continue at Backlash, where Shane and Vince will face Shawn and…God. USA cuts the “product of my semen line” from the original broadcast, which makes me sad. The King says that Vince has just booked God.
Just…Wow. As commercials play, a couple of quick questions:
Will God do the job?
Can God turn heel in the match?
If God said he was a Cena fan, would everyone cheer Cena or boo God?
If Jesus does a run-in, will Triple H come out and cut a promo on him about who the real King of Kings is?
Who bumps harder, Shane or Jesus?
Back from commercials and here comes Tris…I mean Mickie James, who now has the Trish laugh in her intro as well as blond hair. It is Crazy and the newest Playboy Slut verses Trish and the other Playboy Slut still with the company. Trish and Candice start, with Trish immediately putting Candice in a headlock. Candice is out and goes on the attack off the ropes, but Trish does the MaTrish, followed by a Whirling Board. Trish tags in Torrie while Candice does the same to Mickie. Mickie ignores Torrie and taunts Trish, getting a face pop in the process. Mickie hits a cheap shot on Trish’s injured knee, then ends the mess with a Chick Kick to Torrie’s head. As Mickie celebrates, Trish grabs the Women’s Title, but she calmly hands in back to the psycho. I have to admit, their match was pretty awesome at WM. Of course, I am talking about Candice and Torrie.
In the back, Triple H and Edge are talking about who should kick Cena’s ass in the match. Edge walks off and Trip does his “I secretly hate you” look behind Edge’s back. He looked like he passed uncomfortable gas.
Commercial for the upcoming house shows. You know, those WWE events where no titles change hands and nothing that happens there actually counts. It’s like the preseason, but all year long.
And the Champ…is here. Cena’s entrance is still entertaining. The crowd murmurs its disapproval. Edge and Trip are already in the ring. Trip hops up on the turnbuckle, just wanting to watch the festivities. Styles points out that the match is two on one, so Trip can participate anytime he desires. Edge and Cena lock up to start. Cena pushes Edge to corner, turns him around and smacks his back, which is all scarred up from the WM festivities. We leap ahead in the match, which has Cena setting up for the F-U but Edge getting out of it and hitting a good looking DDT. Edge is on his feet first, but Cena starts to come back with punches to the gut. Cena comes off the ropes and hits Edge with a clothesline, then waits for Edge to stand up to continue his offensive onslaught. Meanwhile, Trip has decided to play, as he comes off his perch and sets up to attack Cena. John’s spider-sense goes off and he turns to face Trip, which gives Edge a chance to go for the spear. Unfortunately for Edge, Cena moves and Triple H eats the bad end of it. Cena then clotheslines and shoulder blocks Edge to oblivion, much to the displeasure of the crowd. Cena hits a backdrop on Edge, then punches him in the corner until Trip comes up and pushes Cena out of the way. Evidently Trip now wants to hit Edge. Cena and Trip pass Edge between one another with punches until Trip hits the spinebuster on Lita’s man. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but eats a Pedigree, allowing the son-in-law to finally get a pinfall victory over Cena. The show ends with Trip victorious on the ramp as the other two look on.
Well, there was a lot of talking in this one, and not much in the way entertaining wrestling. The opening interview was enjoyable, but the rest was pretty forgettable. I for one cannot wait to see God’s finishing move. I hope it’s the leg drop.
See you here next week for more AM Raw! Well, I won’t SEE you, but you know what I mean.
