Yeah, like I’m concentrating on this with the Masters on. Bitch, please. Be happy I’m doing this in the first place.
Besides, I’m all over the site this week. Guest on IPSR, a quickie movie review, a missive in Lambert’s column…yeah, that’s the way to take it easy after Wrestlemania. Hey, I’m going to take it as easy as Ben Crenshaw. There is a discernable pattern there, you know. 1984…1995…2006? That’d be the freakiest f*cking thing ever in golf, and I saw Jack twenty years ago and what he did on the back nine on Sunday. Of course, I wrote that before his Saturday collapse, which means I cursed him. Beware my power.
Well, the final NFL schedule is out, and the Bears open and close with the FudgePackers. If Hick Hamlet does come back, this’ll almost certainly be his last year, which means his last game will be played against his arch-nemesis and longtime bitch. Fortunately, the Bears do have the weakest strength of schedule this year, which will mean a winning season and another trip to the playoffs (or it simply means that they have to play the rest of the NFC North, the NFC West, and the AFC East Coast Bias, which would weaken anyone’s schedule). And I get a premature birthday present on November 26th when they get to beat the piss out of the overrated, faggy Patriots, at Foxboro no less. Super Bowl XX forever! Even the Sox have good news, since the Faggots/Colts game will be on November 5th, which means the Sox will now get the cover of Sports Illustrated when they repeat instead of being bumped for that overrated yee-ha and that asswipe from Michigan.
Well, at least the venom’s still going. Turning on Smackdown must have started the juices flowing again, making me remember Wrestlemania. Just the memory’s enough to piss me off, not to mention having to deal with the aborted placenta known as Rey-Rey, World Heavyweight Champion. Let’s just dive into it and see if I can keep it going…
…but, first, things must be mentioned. Roland Lanye Shaffer and Leith Rylan Shaffer made their tag-team debut (via the side entrance) early on Saturday morning and exhibited sufficient workrate to be signed on a long-term basis. This gives IP three new signings this past week alone, thus showing our commitment to growth. Big congrats to Jed and the spouse.
Now on to the stuff…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results
Paul London and Brian Kendrick over Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, London pins Mercury, rollup): First, let me comment on the commentary. Tazz got off one of the best zingers yet with his line asking Cole why he’s getting a hysterectomy. And yet more proof that they watch me: Cole used my “Memo To” line. You’re getting closer to being in big trouble, bitch boy.
Now, the match. Well, they had to get some competition for MNM sometime. Fortunately, they chose the best team for that purpose. Naturally, Cole didn’t help matters any by denigrating them a number of times during the match. Yeah, the marks don’t take them seriously yet (while we smarks certainly do), but don’t shove everyone’s faces into the fact that what push they’ve had has come on Epilepsy. Pimp them a little, be neutral about them, but don’t bad-mouth them. Do you really think that it made the result more of an upset, or that it elevated them more than if they’d been pimped a little? No. Talent shines through, even if it’s two cruisers who’ve been shoehorned into WWE’s cruiser-denial style. As for getting the belts, that won’t happen soon. Judgment Day? By the time they get to Phoenix, they’ll be buried.
Entrance interruptus
Jim Korderis, Retard-At-Large
Brent Alb…sorry, Gunner Scott over Booker T (Pinfall, rollup with bridge): So what’s wrong with “Brent Albright”? It’s a perfectly good name. Oh, that’s right, it’s not as easily trademarkable as “Gunner Scott”.
Ah, anyway, Brent, enjoy those Sean Waltman Dreams that you have right now. You might think things will turn out all right, but you just have to look over to the other show to see what they did to another bearded former OVW champion. Guy by the name of Nick Dinsmore. Be thankful you still have a storyline IQ above room temperature at this point.
You always remember your first win in the bigs. Even if it is with Boogeyman’s assistance.
Our Lord and Savior over Simon Dean (Submission, Crossface): Well, there goes that possibility for the main event at One-Night Stand. Guess they’ll just have to do that championship match that they’re planning.
If we’ve told you once, we’ve told you a thousand times: DO NOT PROVOKE THE BORG!
Rey-Rey over Randy Orton, World Title Match (Pinfall, Drop The Dime): You know, I don’t think I’ve cared about a world title match less since…oh, hell, let me put it this way: if Flex and Wife-Beater came back and had a world title match, I think I’d actually care more about that one. It barely held my attention long enough to get a screen cap. And it had to happen during Masters Week, too.
The muted response to Rey-Rey made me wonder this: what happens if Rey-Rey goes into audience apathy before DAVE’s ready to return? What happens if Orton’s still on suspension when it happens? Do they turn Angle and give him the belt again? The entire SD upper card is now Rey-Rey and Angle. By default, you’d have to include High-Quality Speaker Boy and Benoit, but they’re still screwing around with the US title at this point. They are REALLY f*cking lucky that they don’t have a PPV until next month, because if Backlash was an SD PPV, they’d be in really big trouble right now. If it were, you’d probably see a main event of Rey-Rey and Angle versus High-Quality Speaker Boy and…oh, hell, who?…Finlay, maybe. If they insist on Booker still f*cking around with Boogey…
…is it possible for your head to hurt and weep out of pity at the same time?
One other thing: I was talking with Flea, who reminded me that he tried to convince me that Cena would beat Trip at Wrestlemania (fine, Fleabag, you were right, I was wrong, but I explained my very personal reasons why I didn’t want that to happen), and he and I ended up talking about Rey-Rey’s championship reign and what can be done with it. He hadn’t seen Smackdown at that point, while I was in the process of watching it (I was right at the Regal/Burchill match), and I made two points that attempted to justify that this reign is not going to go very high on the card: 1) This match was the first title defense for Rey-Rey, and it was on the first post-Wrestlemania show, and it went off as the transition match instead of the main? What the hell’s going on here? 2) Rey-Rey pulled out his family in the promo afterward. Unfortunately, that reminded us of Dominic’s existence. How did Rey-Rey tell Dom that his daddy was dead?
Orton proves to Rey-Rey that only cartoon characters can do the “running on air” thing
Paul Burchill over Mister Regal, Loser Gets A Wardrobe Change Match (Pinfall, Cutlass-4): Short but good. After all, they do know how to work with each other. I don’t think I’ve seen as many European uppercuts per minute in a match. However, it does display the mentor/student relationship between the two that WWE’s tried to establish, so I regard UppercutMania as one of Haley’s Little Things. As for Regal having to wear a dress…well, he’s done more humiliating things in WWE rings. The Kiss My Ass Club, The Real Man’s Man, etc. In fact, this should count as his yearly push, instead of doing something with him like putting him in the US title mix like they should. You have to wonder if Regal has the breasts to pull it off. High-Quality Speaker Boy, yes, but not Regal.
Burchill goes for a ride. Right-hand drive, of course
The Undertaker versus Mark Henry, The Wrestlemania Rematch We Didn’t Want To See (Which Goes Along Perfectly With The Fact That No One Wanted To See The Original Either) (ND, Dalip-ference): Sooooooo…okay, Dalip Singh is big. Really big. And Calloway will sell some stuff from him, but not much, which is about the best you can do as a rookie when put up against The Dread Lord Of No-Selling. This, of course, is our first obvious match for Judgment Day, although it’ll end up being a tag match. Why am I getting the feeling that the Draft will take place prior to Judgment Day and TBS somehow finds his way to Smackdown? Or Kane? Just so that they can brag that this is the biggest agglomeration of “talent” (and I use that word very loosely) collected in one tag match?
Of course, there’s another question to go along with this: how long is Singh going to last? Will it be long enough to fill Henry’s shoes when Henry’s contract runs out and he becomes Rhiyno’s mystery opponent at Hard Justice or No Surrender? If things go as they usually do, UT’s going to destroy him and totally ruin any credibility he might have. So it’s back to OVW or Deep South for him, and Daivari’s got to end up looking for another patsy in his ongoing feud with UT. Of course, I don’t give a shit about Singh and won’t unless his first name is Vijay. Especially this weekend.
Speaking of Daivari, are they trying to do a Heenan Family type of thing with him? He’s now on his third proxy facing UT, and this nicely-hidden feud has lasted almost a year now. Will Shaun ever get to go over, or is Calloway pulling strings to stop that from happening?
How to make sure you get winded doing a headbutt
Angle Developments:
I’m just imagining the judge’s first question to Booker when this motion came before him: “You want a restraining order against WHO? Should I give you one against the Easter Bunny while I’m at it?”
It must be like Jenna Jameson telling you that you give good head
“Let’s see, your suspension starts right after our match next week. If you want to do an injury angle, I’ll happily beat the living shit out of you.”
And you wonder why they lost the empire
As for the revivial of King of the Ring, it’s still too soon to make any judgments. But I’ll end up judging anyway. The first-round matches have been announced, so, given that this is WWE, you should be able to project the entire tournament. Now, who’s facing whom?
Angle/Orton: Orton’s suspension starts right after this match, so I think we can make a pretty firm assumption about who’s going to win.
Booker/Hardy: Could be an Angle Advancement Match, might not be. The question is who’s getting buried worse at this point. That would have to be Hardy. But Boogey-ference is written all over this thing. I think that’ll wait until the second round, if at all. Booker goes over.
Benoit/Finlay: Obviously the best first-round match. I’m split as to whether Benoit’s going through or some shenanigans are going to happen. We should know next week if the Benoit/High-Quality Speaker Boy program is continuing. Angle/Benoit in the finals is such an obvious choice to restore the profile of KOTR that it would be a surprise if they didn’t do it. However, Finlay’s the type of wrestler they always used to promote in KOTR. Oh, I don’t know. I’ll go with Finlay for now, mostly due to the person who would be his second-round opponent.
Lashley/Henry: Like Finlay, Lashley is the type of guy that a KOTR push was suited for. Besides, you still have the UT situation to take care of, so Henry’s otherwise occupied. Lashley’s going over.
That gives us the following second-round matches:
Angle/Booker: A pair of five-time world champions meet in what Cole will probably end up calling a “Pay-Per-View-quality match”. If they give it time, it’ll be good. Regardless, Angle goes over.
Finlay/Lashley: The showcase match for KOTR. Here’s where Lashley’s major push begins. Finlay’s going to make him look very good, but he’ll still come out on the losing end.
And your finals:
Angle/Lashley: Yeah, it’s face/face, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. They want to push Lashley. Who better than Angle to give him a mark-cred boost and an “endorsement” (as in the post-match handshake and arm raise)? Angle will have no problem giving the rub to him here, but does he have to lose to do it? I think so. KOTR is traditionally a jump-off point for bigger pushes, and they want Lashley at US-title level by no later than SummerSlam.
Your winner – Bobby Lashley. Not the person I first thought of, actually, but the one that makes the most logical sense.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results
A. J. Fuckin’ Styles versus Abyss (ND, Christian-ference): Gee, wasn’t this a PPV main event not too long ago? What’s it doing jerking the curtain on Impact? Couldn’t they have reserved this for next Thursday? Weren’t previous matches between these two not glorified, extended Abyss squashes? And doesn’t this pairing deserve better than an Angle Advancement Match? So many questions, so few answers.
Low bridge!
Bob Armstrong over Konnan, Arm Wrestling Match (DQ, Hernandez-ference): This was so embarassing on so many different levels that, out of pity, I will refrain from commentary. As for Sheremetyevo’s new member, I will quote Lambert, who summarizes things perfectly: “He’s not Low Ki, so I really don’t care.”
Oh, yeah, a real clash of the titans here, folks
Alex Shelley over Roderick Strong and Chase Stevens, Team USA Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Shelley pins Strong, Acid Drop…okay, it’s technically the Sliced Bread #2, but it’ll always be the Acid Drop to me): Not bad. Not your normal X Division match, because it’s rare that they have three ground-based guys in there. Stevens showed he can hang in singles, Strong showed that his suspension has pretty much been served by doing the job, and Shelley was the right guy to go over (not to mention the obvious guy to go over; if you didn’t figure out who was getting the pinfall from the introductions, stop watching wrestling, please). So, I’m not bitching. I just wish it had been given a little more time, that’s all.
A little-acknowledged part of Strong’s deal to come back was that he had to sniff Alex Shelley’s crotch
Angle Developments:
Cacaphony: An Anthem Match? What the f*ck? Look, honestly, does anyone want to hear the ex-Dudleys sing The Star-Spangled Banner? Honestly, does anyone anywhere want anyone to sing The Star-Spangled Banner? The music sucks. You can tell the lyrics were written by a lawyer. It’s one of the worst national anthems in the world. Oh, Canada blows it away. Deutschland, Deutschland, Ueber Alles shows why this is the country that brought the world Bach, Haydn, Beethoven, and Schumann. I mean, let’s face it, you can’t even use the title for a good punk song unlike other national anthems we can mention. We have some perfectly good substitutes for that song written by good American tunesmiths like Irving Berlin. Hell, I’d even take Neil Diamond.
I’m really hoping that Team Canada goes over in that match, but you know those unregenerate rednecks won’t have that. So we get to hear a shitty national anthem totally mutilated. Unless Buh Buh Ray has a great singing voice.
Borash is shocked, shocked, I say, that someone would make gay jokes about him
You don’t do that to our interview subjects, bitch
And you don’t do that to guys I like
As for the whole Sting thing, does anyone give a shit anymore? I mean, I left loads of room in the corner for you to join me back when the announcement of his return was rumored. There’s still a bit of space, and we are providing punch and cookies.
Oh, Impact sucking ass just turned me off of doing anything else for this column. Sorry, but I’ll break here and see you Tuesday. Remember, this puppy goes up a day early starting next week thanks to Impact’s move, so stay with us.
