Let’s do this.
Wrestlemania? I Hope They Have A Cure For That
I’m going to go with the quick hits review and offer elaboration where it is warranted. And yes, some it will have to do with John Cena because a lot of you people out there are still acting like morons.
Get Your Head X-Rey-ed
But first, something else that is getting blown out of proportion – the championship victory of one Rey Mysterio Jr.
If you need something to take the bitter taste out of his win and the whole death of Eddie thing, just sit down and tune your memories back to a few months ago. You are going to have to rely on memory because I think it will be a lot easier than actually digging through the Pulse archives for the actual news story. Remember when a news bite popped up about more and more WWe viewers being Hispanic? I am willing to wager you that Rey’s win has just as much to do with that as it does Eddie.
One of the major problems with Internet wrestling fans is this intense myopia we have about how important we are. We suffer from it because we have seen our efforts to influence the actual product come to fruition on more than one occasion. The most recent one was getting Matt Hardy his job back after he was unduly fired. We take these outcomes though and blow our influence way out of proportion. We only see things the way we think they ought to be and leave out other, more realistic considerations.
Rey Mysterio story is a prime example. We take the few news items we’re given and churn them over and over on discussion boards. Yes, Rey is in this position because he was Eddie’s friend and yes, other wrestlers have had some issues working with a storyline that contains a lot of emotional material. What we are failing to see, in my opinion, is the business aspect behind this. Probably because it’s not being spoon fed to us by any of our usual sources.
More people of Latin American heritage are watching the product and it only makes sense to prominently feature wrestlers they want to see. I can’t think of anyone better suited for that role than Rey. Ya know, him being from Mexico and all. The story of him fighting for Eddie’s honor probably interests them, too. My guess is that they don’t have this whole issue about how appropriate it is like a lot of people I’ve read recently because, well…they probably think it is appropriate. And it makes them feel good. Who are you to argue with that, white boy?
That’s another thing that bugs me. If you buy into the Mick Foley idea that the championship belt is like an Oscar award given to a great performer, then why can’t we get behind the story of Rey Mysterio, wrestler, winning the belt in honor of his fallen friend, Eddie Guerrero? It’s a really nice story and it’s not like Rey is undeserving as a wrestler. Shit, didn’t he pretty much revolutionize cruiserweight wrestling? Hasn’t he had plenty of high-quality matches with wrestlers twice his size? I definitely don’t look at Rey and think undeserving.
I guess some people can’t get around the idea of “if Eddie hadn’t died, there is no way Rey gets the belt”. Is it possible, though, that he was going to get it eventually anyway? Maybe, perhaps, in conjunction with marketing to an increasingly Hispanic audience? And that Eddie’s death just sped up the process? Would it make you feel better if he got it for that reason instead? Do you think WWe would do something like that? You should. Or has anyone thought about these things at all? I doubt it.
It’s a different age, people. A publicly traded company like WWe has to engage in the same type of business practices that your typical manufacturing conglomerate has conducted for decades. If you think the pristine sanctity of the WWe title is somehow immune to this, then you are are living in the past.
Here is a little thing for you while I’m at it. Did you see Rey on SmackDown thanking his family members? That type of thing resonates with Hispanic viewers. It’s all part of the marketing process and is not accidental. A lot of things in life are not.
Not Fighting Flair
I rarely agree with FLEA on much, but I have to admit that a screed he penned a few months ago has dawned on me.
It’s getting hard for me to watch Ric Flair perform these days. A 50 something year old man should not getting suplexed off a ladder like that. A 50 something year old man shouldn’t even be in a wrestling ring unless it’s for limited duty. A promo here, maybe a match there, but not what Flair is doing. He is killing himself and it’s pretty obvious it is because his wife is taking him to the cleaners and he needs the work and money.
I’m not surprised that Vince is squeezing all the life he can out of a non-Stamford product, too. He is going to make Flair earn every cent he needs to do whatever it is he needs to do with the money. That includes the sick bumps and putting over this new wrestling abomination on Monday. More on that in a second. Flair’s situation though is different from Shawn Michaels who I believe is putting himself through the grinder so his kid can watch him perform. Or Mick Foley who shows up for one program per year and is free to vanish whenever he likes.
No, Flair has to endure this role and it is his own awesome ability to take punishment that gives Vince the justification for placing him in that role. That and the fans never seeing past Ric Flair the wrestling character, cheering it all on because they selfishly don’t want to see him go peacefully. What Flea actually got wrong about Flair is that these stunts are not tarnishing his legacy one bit. On the contrary, I think instances like that ladder spot are actually making fans hungrier for more of that ability to take punishment in the ring – even if he has very little left in the tank. These deeds aren’t diminishing Flair’s legend. Flair’s legend is actually creating more demand for these deeds. It’s sick.
I have an idea that WWe or anyone can feel free to steal. Vince, create a legends division for guys like Flair, Jake Roberts and Tony Atlas. Consider it welfare for wrestlers who make poor decisions, but also consider it an idea that fans would enjoy. Sign these guys up from the homeless shelter, AA meetings, and wherever else and trot them out as a dark matches for all of your shows. It will be fun for the fans and you could help spare some of them their dignity. You might even make some money off of it. You didn’t pay any healthcare costs while they worked for you or give them a pension after they worked for you, so any extra money you earn off of it would be gravy, actually.
C’mon. Have a heart.
Apologies to anyone who has thought of this idea before me.
Cena Before, Cena Again
Ah geez, people. The guy has resorted to Myspace blogs about how he just wants to perform and doesn’t care what his reactions are. Would a man who really doesn’t care about reactions post about it on myspace? I doubt it. Is that really his blog on myspace? I also doubt it. Lots of doubt in this column.
One thing I am certain about though is that I would not take that belt off of him anytime soon. No way. I know what you are saying right now. WWe should do what the fans want blah blah blah. Jokes on you, actually. WWe IS doing what the fans want. Or, more accurately, they have created the conditions where the fans strongly demand to see something happen, ie, Cena losing the belt. That doesn’t mean they have to give it to them right away. Like so many things in life, it will be much sweeter (and more profitable) to sit on this for a little while longer. Make the fans tune in to see who is going to dethrone him. And make sure the guy who does it not only deserves it, but can do something with the massive amount of heat he will get from doing it. This is why HHH didn’t need to beat Cena at Wrestlemania. Some law of wrestling physics that Eric knows probably can prove that no net heat would have been created with that title change. Cena would have lost all of his and HHH is already over and can generate his own easily. Better to give that heat to someone new in the hopes that they will become self sustaining as well. Pick your guy. In the last elimination chamber match at New Year’s Revolution, I believe it was, you saw Carlito come close to eliminating Cena and getting a taste of what that heat would be like. That’s kind of the direction where I’m leaning with this.
And don’t give me that X-Pac heat thing with Cena either. X-Pac heat is a stupid term used by stupid people. Heat in wrestling is just like publicity in Hollywood – having zero is the worst possible thing, it’s better to draw some reaction.
Oh and I still think the people who are booing Cena can suck it. I don’t care if he is a pretty boy jock, I have a major problem booing 1)nice guys and 2) guys who try hard. Cena seems to be both of these things, but then again, I haven’t talked to any airline employees recently.
The Little Things
Yeah, I think I can conjure up a few of these for the past month or so that I have been out of the Monday rotation.
1. Water, Water Everywhere
Everyone has made fun of this, but it bears mentioning here. HHH – when you are attempting a Conan the Barbarian impersonation, you might want to leave the Dasani back at the castle. That idea probably seemed really cool when they were drawing it up, but I guess you still have to make room for the spitting ring entrance. Yeah.
2. Takes A Licking
It also has been discussed everywhere, but will not go unmentioned in this column. Mickie James, that thing with the licking the finger put a lot of boys through puberty on Sunday. Congratulations. I love it that she fights out of my hometown, too.
3. Urine Ass
Say, all of you people who wonder why Vince gets the billing as a main event, Wrestlemania caliber heel? Besides the fact that he is the Chairman of the company and all? Well it is because of little things like getting doused in the face with a urine specimen and actually licking it to check to see if it is urine. Funny, funny stuff.
4. Once Again
I really like the Boogeyman. Even despite the fact that his name reminds me of Jimmy Valliant. The worms, weird make-up on his head, the fact that he is announced as fighting out of the Bottomless Pit.
Sorry, I can’t help it. I also do not care if he is green in the ring and being protected from getting exposed. Charisma, people. I don’t think a lot of wrestlers could have done what Marty has done with this character. They’ll help him learn. I hope.
5. A Little Bit of Monica
This new Jumanga character sucks. The little thing I am not going to let go of until it is explained is why a Cuban playboy is hanging around a jungle freak. Do they have jungles in Cuba?
When Kim Chee was Kamala’s manager, it made sense because he had the safari outfit on, ya know? I could ask my Dad about those details, like where is Uganda and why is his manager dressed like that and it all made sense.
So, why is Jumanga hanging out with the dude who sang Mambo Number Five? The hell if I know. Bah.
(For the record, I know Lou Bega is from Europe. Germany, I believe. I do my homework most of the time)
That’s it for me. I promise I’m going to go back to my happy self sometime soon. If you all would let me anyway.
Haley
