Pitchfork Media posted a most lovely interview with Neko Case this week. Read the whole thing and its brilliance when you’re done here, but if only for this:
When I hear auto tune on somebody’s voice, I don’t take them seriously. Or you hear somebody like Alicia Keys, who I know is pretty good, and you’ll hear a little bit of auto tune and you’re like, “You’re too f*cking good for that. Why would you let them do that to you? Don’t you know what that means?” It’s not an effect like people try to say, it’s for people like Shania Twain who can’t sing. Yet there they are, all over the radio, jizzing saccharine all over you. It’s a horrible sound and it’s like, “Shania, spend an extra hour in the studio and you’ll hit the note and it’ll sound fine. Just work on it, it’s not like making a burger!”
There’s more where that came from.
I think this chica is my long lost twin.
Alice In Musicland
And now, my favorite. NEWS! Weeping for humanity is a great way to start the day.
From Blabbermouth:
Launch Radio Networks is reporting that the reunited ALICE IN CHAINS will play at least five shows in the U.S. before heading overseas for a series of summer European dates. The band have revealed on their web site that the first date of their U.S. tour will be May 18. No city or venue has been named yet, but a message posted at the site reads, “While we can’t yet share too many details about this tour, we can tell you that all the venues will be clubs, which will give fans an intimate AIC experience. We can also tell you that every city the band plays in has its own major league baseball team.”
The band has also confirmed that COMES WITH THE FALL vocalist/guitarist William DuVall will sing lead vocals for the group on its upcoming run, along with a few “special guests.”
DuVall performed two songs with ALICE IN CHAINS last month in New Jersey at a taping of the VH1 Classic series “Decades Rock Live!”. He has also sung ALICE IN CHAINS material as part of guitarist Jerry Cantrell’s solo touring band.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WRONG.
Could you imagine Nirvana touring with a replacement for Cobain? That’s the sort of gravity we’re talking here. It’s bad enough that The Doors go out with a Morrison imitator every now and again. These are bands where the vocalist made the band. Yeah, Cantrell writes too, but Staley was the mastermind. These other guys are turning their legacy into a trumped-up cover band.
And they’re starting this tour on my birthday. It’s bad enough that I’m getting older — they’re adding insult to injury.
I’m in a city with a major-league baseball team and all I have to say is… stayyyyyy awayyyyyyy.
In other abortions, again from Blabbermouth:
AVENGED SEVENFOLD frontman M. Shadows has told MTV.com that his band wants to set the record straight so there’s no confusion: they are a heavy metal band.
“When you go to our live show, it’s a full-on heavy metal show, and we don’t need  I mean, no offense to 10-year-old and 11-year-old little girls, [but] they’re not going to understand the experience,” he said.
The clip for the first single, “Bat Country”, spent more than a week as the “TRL” audience’s top pick. “We want our shows to be respectable heavy metal shows. We’re a rock and roll band, and we want kids to know that.”
AHAHAHAHAHHH… AHAHAHAHA hahahhahahaha
When should I stop laughing here? When they take off the eyeliner?
When even Allmusic.com places you in the “emo” category, it’s time to throw in the towel and accept it.
Are they more metal than many? Sure. I’ll give them that. But they’re certainly no more “metal” than the overwhelming numbers of post-hardcore bands that can’t seem to decide whether they want to be angry or whiny. Iron Maiden didn’t whine. Until they sold out, Metallica didn’t whine (okay, I’ll give you “Fade To Black,” but just this once). Megadeth most certainly didn’t whine, at least not before 1992. And Slayer? If you accused them of whining, they would write a song about you being molested by serial killers and raped by priests. Avenged played the Warped tour, not Ozzfest. Is any of this sinking in?
Playing loud guitars does not make you metal. Just like wearing a bullet belt doesn’t make you punk, dyeing your hair black doesn’t make you goth, and carrying a glowstick doesn’t make you a raver.
Speaking of whiners. This is awesome:
According to one BLABBERMOUTH.NET visitor, music fans who showed up at Detroit’s State Theater on Friday, April 7 to see ROB ZOMBIE, LACUNA COIL and BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE were informed that BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE had been taken off the bill. Speculation at the concert was that they had been kicked off the tour, although this has **NOT** yet been confirmed by any official source. (NOTE: The band’s web site administrator has now confirmed that the group are no longer on the tour.) In addition, BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE’s official web site and the web site of their American record label, Trustkill Records, are no longer listing any of the remaining ROB ZOMBIE tour dates which were scheduled to feature BFMV in the opening slot.
BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE made headlines on BLABBERMOUTH.NET on Thursday (April 6) when the band’s guitarist/vocalist Matthew “Matt” Tuck slammed ROB ZOMBIE in an online post, claiming that his band was “not being treated well” on the ZOMBIE tour and calling the headliners “money-grabbing f*cks” for allegedly seling their t-shirts for $40 a piece and making the support bands do the same. “As I write this, I’m sitting on the f*ckin’ floor of the venue ‘coz we don’t have a dressing room again, ‘coz f*ckin’ Zombie takes them all for him, his band and crew,” Tuck wrote at the time. “Basically, we are shit to him, but f*ck it  if this is what it takes to get a name over here, then it’s gotta be done. I’m not one to f*ck around with words, so yes, we are not being treated well on this tour. Oh yeah, we don’t get a soundcheck either. Fuckin’ pissed at this tour, man.”
A few hours after making his original post, Tuck returned to BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE’s official message board to apologize to Rob and Zombie’s crew for his earlier remarks, explaining, “I was really out of it this morning and let shit on the road f*ck with my hung-over head. I’m truly sorry if any of my comments about this tour were out of line and totally exaggerated. This is our first real tour in the States and with lots of personal shit happening to me from home I just lost it. We really have been totally f*ckin’ thrilled to have the chance to play on this tour and are grateful for every new fan we make. It means everything to us to be able to play our shit for new fans. I’m really sorry to have offended anyone and look forward to putting this behind and getting back to the metal.”
First of all: as far as I’m concerned, Rob Zombie can piss on everyone. He’s above reproach. He rules and I’ll ride his nuts like a cowgirl. Whiny bitches should have been neverendingly grateful from the start, even if Rob made them eat corn out of his shit. The end.
Second of all: note to Bullet For My Valentine and all of these other similar bands (Atreyu, Poison the Well, Avenged Sevenfold, Alexisonfire: this means you) — if you want to be metal, you have to learn how to play the metal game.
WRONG:
1. Whine about poor tour conditions ON A FUCKING INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD;
2. Apologize;
3. Get kicked off tour.
RIGHT:
1. Punch the asshole treating you like shit (warning: getting your ass kicked in return may lower metal cred points);
2. Get kicked off tour;
3. Raise your middle fingers in the air. NEVER FUCKING APOLOGIZE. EVER.
Optional: challenge the asshole to another fight.
See? It’s not so hard.
Your Band Here
Whee, it’s MySpace land! I’ve got quite the pile of bands to trudge through. Hell, just while writing this section, three more glommed onto the list. This should be less a deterrent and more a motivation to contact me or add me to your MySpace friends list. This isn’t limited to just metal bands or Minnesotans/Wisconsinites either, despite an overwhelming tilt in that direction.
Concentual:
Hey, a Minneapolis band! How crazy! Anyway, Concentual accurately calls themselves “anthemic pop/rock.” In fact, they fit this description so well that upon first listen I was instantly transported to ’90s rock radio. Great musicians though, especially the vocalist, as it seems to be an overwhelming trend these days that sub-par singing is acceptable.
Highlight: The songwriting is beyond tight. Whoever is producing them did a fantastic job. And “Go Ahead” shows some left-of-center chord progressions that give them promise of being more than just emulators, and “Atmosphere” manages the quintessential pop element: snagging the emotions of the listener.
Lowlight: This sound is very dated. When I’m immediately thinking Gin Blossoms and Hootie and the Blowfish, something isn’t right. They sound great, but lack identity. I would jokingly suggest they all wear flowers on their heads, but honestly, a little experimentation and innovation is what would change them from being merely pleasant to outstandingly superb.
Cradle To Grave:
Southern metal out of Canada. Man, I love oxymorons. Then again, if there was ever a genre that could use some freshening-up, it would be southern rock. And I’m really delighted to hear not only the swagger remains intact through the metal guitars, but the pop sensibility does, too. No, Cradle To Grave is not pop, but their songs will stick in your head.
Highlight: It’s the first thing you hear when you hit their MySpace site, and with good reason: “Projectile” is stronger than half the signed metal bands I hear on a regular basis. Incredible song.
Lowlight: The vocals have a tendency to get a bit out of control, where at times the energy doesn’t really match the music. Other than that, some lazily repetitive songwriting could be tightened up and a little more adventure outside of the boundaries of structure could really set them apart.
Soulscape:
First of all I have to say that I got quite a shock when I threw on these Minnesotans: the music is like Nickelback got kicked in the ass by Tool. When the vocals come in, I’m wondering which emo band lost their singer. But with more listening, it works a lot better than one would expect. It’s an interesting experiment.
Highlight: The solo breakdown section in “Bitter Cold.” The intro to “Pieces.” The guitar work is f*cking incredible. Musicianship aside, while the songs still sound pretty rough, they’re actually well put-together.
Lowlight: As an experiment, it does need its work. The drumming falls off-time or becomes awkward in more than one spot, and the harmonies on “Escaping the Routine” are painful. But give these guys another year to tighten up and they could really be doing something amazing.
Before I exit this section, I want to take the time to hype a few Your Band Here alumni:
The Rad Ones
Our own Kyle David Paul wrote a book, in case you haven’t heard. See, Scott Keith? You’re not the only big pants in the house anymore.
Fernandez showed up to the party this week!
Always props to Eric Szulczewski whose name I can now spell without looking.
Lucard talks disembowling. This is why I hang out with him.
Iain Burnside writes about some Comics stuff. He hasn’t written any music stuff in a while. You feel me glaring, boy?
Do you watch TV? I don’t. Matt Basilo always sounds like he knows what he’s talking about though.
Outro
Even after listening to all of these bands for the column, I still have the same song stuck in my head as when I started: :wumpscut:’s “Soylent Green.” I couldn’t even tell you the last time I heard it.
But anyway, this is completely off any sort of topic.
While trolling the news every day, I came upon the existence of Minneapolis Mayhem, a metal festival hitting Star Central in August. I’m only familiar with a couple of the artists on the bill so far, but I can fake it if only for the joys of metal.
One thing does amuse me though: Star Central is at the end of a strip mall (with a sexy bullethole in the glass of the door, I might add). It’s directly attached to a Family Dollar or something similar. It’s a popular spot for metal acts though, but that doesn’t stop me from giggling every time I go there. I can only imagine f*cking Usurper popping over to the dollar store to buy some candles for virgin sacrifices. Good times.
And although there could be a lot more to say, I need to go put my kitchen back together. Leaky drains are not my friend. They are, however, metal. Tee hee har.
Soylent grün ist ein Produkt aus Menschenfleisch,
–gloomchen
